"I am outside, and I've been waiting for the sun,
With my wide eyes, I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry, with words I cannon verbalise
Tell me why, we live like this
Keep me safe inside, your arms like towers,
Tower over me"
31st August 1976
When I was seven years old a wolf tore my mother's throat out. Bone and blood and congealed warm breath spilling into the night air, the smell of copper, the sharp, frost covered soil bleeding crimson. Her chest heaved and stopped, slowly, then all at once.
I remember everything about that night; the smell of the rain soaked grass, the way the moonlight made her blood shine black as it pooled beneath her, staining the shrapnel blades of grass and the frozen earth beneath with a crimson stain I am sure I can still see if I look hard enough. I remember her breaths, quick and shallow and distant. I remember her eyes, the soft honey gold mirroring my own. I remember the pain in my shoulder; the feel of the wolf inhabiting my brain forever, like my soul was being ripped apart but it was as though someone beside me was feeling it; some form of second being inside myself, no- I endured a very different brand of agony that night.
She held my hand as she died. The slick blood coating the numb warmth of my fingers the last thing she ever felt. The moon reflected vacantly on her stark white face, she couldn't talk anymore, she didn't try and reach for her wand; she just lay there and watched me. In my memory it never ends. The light never leaves her eyes and we just stare into each other forever. They say your brain has natural defences against things so powerful they tear your soul. I guess that's what happened because the next thing I remember is waking up in St Mungo's, a sullen redheaded nurse telling me my mother was dead, my father had ran and of the curse I had to bear for the rest of my life.
My body was no longer my own; I was a monster- not a scared seven year old with no one in the world- no, I was a snarling, filthy beast who should have be put down; or so she said. I wasn't long for this world anymore. I saw the fear and repulsion in her eyes as she changed my bandages, I saw how her hands flinched away from the ugly, apple sized scar on my shoulder, but I didn't cry. I endured because even at seven I knew what my mother had done for me, I could almost hear her soft voice as she lay on the hearth rug listening to her old muggle vinyl's telling me not to cry. She taught me to be strong, so I would be, for her. But Merlin it was hard.
I stand there now. I haven't seen this garden, the small patio and the creaky wooden fence for eight years. The grass is crisp, and littered in the debris of the autumns fall, the moon almost as full as that night all those years ago. I watch the ground where she fell, I imagine I can still see the black blood staining the green of the well tended lawn, but of course, I can't. I thought it would feel different here, maybe the air would be charged with the ghost of the past, or the wind would wail its condolences. Perhaps I thought the ground would rise in anger at the horror and violence the earth absorbed, but the night is cool and calm, it betrays no evidence of the crimson teardrops that reside here. The last traces of summer are begging to turn to a dull orange, eradicated by the persistent crisp death that so inevitably comes to claim it and I shiver in the seasonably chilled air. If the muggles who now own this house peeped from behind their netted curtains they would get the shock of their lives. People generally don't take well to seeing a sixth foot adolescent in a long black coat, with scared hands and eyes that shine amber stood in their back garden at 3am but never the less I'm reluctant to leave for a moment. I feel as if the longer I stare at the one unremarkable patch of grass, the more chance there is that she might rise from it and once again tell me not to be afraid.
I stand with my back to the house, my silhouette framed against the orange haze of the gas lamp flickering on the street beyond. I take one last sweeping look at the house with the darkened square windows before I walk away. I wish I could go inside; walk into my old bedroom and graze my fingertips over the hearth run my mother used to lie upon, singing her obscure muggle songs, wand tucked behind her ear, pretty chestnut hair framing her face, telling me to be a big boy and not to cry, but of course I can't, so I keep walking. I walk away and know that I won't come back here. This was a mistake, picking at old scars isn't going to do any good; my mother knew that; she wanted, me to keep going.
My feet drag a little but I don't stop until I know the house is out of view, then I turn and apperate back to the other side of London- back to the small, obscure violet coloured cottage with the slightly over grown lawn and the cliché picket fence. I silently let myself in the front door, shrugging my travelling cloak from my arms as I go.
I pad up the stair and into my bedroom, passing Cecily's door with the upmost care. I'm almost impressed with what Sirius would refer to as my 'ninja abilities' which was in actual fact the masked animal stealth because I don't hear her stir beyond. Cecily is good to me; she was always good to me. I don't want her to know I've been out, she'll worry and if there's one thing that gets to me it's seeing the little crease on her forehead, or the flicker behind her blue eyes.
From this point onwards you might think my story is all tragedy, I assure you it's not. Perhaps without people like her it would be, I guess I just hit the jackpot of lucky. Cecily found me in the hospital, she was the only Healer who wasn't repulsed by me; I remember she used to give me the first pick of cookies before the other kids could get their hands on them, and she would sit me on her knee and read me some sweet muggel fairytales that almost let me pretend it was my mother rocking me in her arms, well at least for a little while. She didn't mind when I had to be on a closed ward once a month, or that afterwards she had to stay behind after her shift to patch me up because none of the other healers would do it. Then one night she just took me home with her. No one questioned it; what's one missing werewolf? They were going to put me in a home where they kept you in silver cages, what I later found was called a Reformatory. I guess the hospital assumed I'd ran away. I remember her driving me home in her small muggle Ford with the scratched blue paint and putting me to sleep in a room with a slanting roof and a circle window. She was only about 25 at the time, not even fully qualified, but she loved me as much as my mother did, and for a long time, she was the only one.
I think about going into her room for a moment. I'm sixteen now and the notion seems absurd so I shake it off immediately, but when I was younger crawling into her bed was a nightly occurrence; whenever the nightmares crept a little too close. I'd nestle into her soft blonde hair and watch her blue eyes flutter as she acknowledged me for a moment before flashing me a sad smile and tucking me in to her side.
Sirius, Peter and James love her too, especially Sirius. I guess sometimes we're both in need of a little motherly affection. I smile as I think of them. The clock on my nightstand says 3.30 AM and considering I have to be up for 8 tomorrow to make sure I'm packed and can get to Kings Corss on time I figure I should try get at least a few hours sleep. Of course Cecily insists on driving in her battered old Ford, even though it's about as reliable as a bunch gold guzzling goblins, however she refuses to get rid of it, insisting the 'old girl still has life in her yet'.
I pull the linen blankets up to my chin and watch the crevice of pearly light spilling onto the bed covers through the small round window set on the slating roof of my bedroom. I thought going back there tonight would settle my turbulent thoughts, but apparently not. Call it wolfish intuition or something more but I've had this feeling in my gut these past weeks, like something's coming; a storm. I can feel it changing out there, like on the night Greyback attacked but worse, much, much worse this time; so much angrier and all together more furious. I thought I'd feel closer to my mum, I thought maybe she'd help me understand- but she's gone and Cecily's calming breaths from the next room remind me that this is my life now, and whatever comes, will come; I'll face it when it does.
I fall asleep quickly, Sirius's voce telling me 'I worry about nothing at all' steeling into my mind; chasing away the invading nightmares.
1st September 1976
The morning dawns bright and warm, like the summer is giving us one last evasive bout of warmth before it disappears for good. Cecily waits for me in her time bomb of a car, a bagel clasped between her pink finger nails, cassette blaring; oblivious to the hostile looks the neighbours are throwing her way on their daily commutes to work. Cecily's muggle born so she doesn't believe in taking short cuts, and uses every possible excuse to lecture me on how doing things 'properly' is 'character building'. I hop into the front seat, and as she pulls out of the pebble drive way still humming along to the tape I take one last look at the little pale purple cottage. It's offensive colour ensures a lot of complaints from the neighbours don't go amiss, but she says with the amount of charm work it took to get it that colour she doesn't plan on changing it anytime soon- besides, she doesn't know the counter charm and as unmanly as it is, I won't be helping her anytime soon; my secret love for the fairy tale house burns strong.
"Just wait, you'll be the one ferrying me about next year!" she laughs, pulling out onto the busy motorway.
"Yeah, because I'm obviously going to pass my driving test first time around, in a muggle car."
"I did" she chirps happily.
"Yes and you've only told me 5 million times" I roll my eyes.
She scowls my way and I smile at the contempt on her face.
"Will wanted to come see you off but he had to work this morning" she said smoothly, one foot still tapping to the music.
Will is Cecily's boyfriend of five years, his actual name is Daniel but he was Cecily's boss at work and she got so used to calling him by his second name that 'Healer Wilson' just kind of stuck, so she compromises by calling him Will.
"Oh, tell him its fine" I smile. I like Will, he has warm eyes, and the round kind of boyish face that makes you smile just looking at him, and he has the roguish charm that seems to make everything funny. "You two will be glad to have the place to yourselves; with three of us crammed in it's kind of like living in a shoebox."
"No darling" she says making a sharp left onto the junction leading further into the winding labyrinth that is central London. "We love having you around, pht it's nice to have an almost civil presence, that man drives me crazy." She huffs but her eyes travel to the picture on her dashboard of the pair arm in arm, laughing at the camera and she smiles absently.
"Well don't nag the poor sod so much and he'll calm right down."
She sticks her tongue out at me, keeping her eyes on the snaking line of traffic before us, her gaze anxiously flittering to the small watch around her wrist; 10.35 am.
The flow of cars breaks off slightly as we pull into the car park ten minutes later and she goes to pull my trunk from the boot. I beat her too it, hauling it effortlessly onto the concrete behind me. Turns out wolfish strength can come in handy now and again.
"Come on, let's go find those hooligans you associate with" she smiles.
"Oh, no doubt they'll have a few dozen detentions already" I grin, but my heart picks up at the fact I'll see them in a few moments.
"Indeed" she smiles as we approach the barrier. The sky smiles down at us through the tall grimy windows framing the exterior of the bustling station, and she places her hand on my arm, her eyes meeting mine before I walk through. I'm reminded of my mother for a minute in the intensity of her gaze, but I immediately swallow lingering impressions of last night; I don't want her to know where I went. I place my hand over hers and steadily return her gaze.
"Hey before you go charging off to meet your merry band of idiots at least let me get a bit emotional" she says lightly but I can tell she's upset. Cecily hates letting me go, maybe she views me as a little more fragile than most sixteen year olds- which is pretty ironic considering I could rip most sixteen year olds to shreds and do my homework at the same time. No it's more likely she's worried with the recent tightening on werewolf identification, that every time she says goodbye it could be her last. Something in her goodbyes always seems a little too solid for me. I pull her into a sweet, short hug and smell her vanilla around me.
"Be good" she whispers and tugs my suitcase from my grip, disappearing into apparent solid wall right before me. I blink for a moment and follow her.
The seconded I step through the barrier a sleek black haired force of reckoning hits me like a mini tornado, barrelling me backwards almost right back out to the station beyond again. I get a brief second of Sirius pulling me into the least manly hug possible, smelling his cinder and thunderstorm smell around me, before he pulls away, a massive grin on his face. James stands behind him, mirroring his goofy grin, only intruded by the dirty look periodically he throws at Sirius.
"You didn't great me like that mutt" he huffs.
"Well you aren't my Remiekins" he jokes, ruffling my hair affectionately.
James laughs for a moment before looping an arm across my shoulders. "Missed you bro" he says "this mutts been driving me mental half the holiday!"
"Oh so your parents went away then" I say as we walk towards the train doors, Cecily and Mrs Potter already laughing together a little way along the platform.
"Yeah, thank God, they buggerd off about three weeks in, apparently I'm to 'uncivilised' to be allowed to such pureblood trifles" he rolls his eyes "so I was left under the 'care' of the charming Kreature, anyway I ran off to Jamie's first chance I got."
"Yeah, and you've been driving me mental ever since" James says, elbowing Sirius in the ribs good-naturedly, "come on Pete's saving us a compartment" he says pulling us towards the scarlet steam train puffing billowing clouds of white steam in the autumn infused air.
"Ok" I say "just going to say goodbye to Cecily." James nods and walks away, ruffling his hair and casting glances in what he clearly assumes is a casual way at Lilly Evans who stands a little to the side with her beaming parents and sour faced sister. Sirius hangs back. "Hurry up Remie" he coo's, laughing because he knows how much I hate that nickname.
"I'll be five minutes" I say, walking back towards Cecily her turquoise coat and purple scarf clearly visible in the steam clouding the platform.
"I'm going now Cee" I say, kissing her lightly on the cheek. She beams down at me but something twists in her face for a moment.
"Have a good year then sweetie!" she says. Mrs Potter huffs, her long red hair clasped in a tight bun. "Far be it for James to say goodbye to his dear old mother".
I smile up at her. "He's maraudering about with Sirius."
"Oh and no doubt trying to impress that Evans girl he's been eyeing up since first year" she rolls her eyes.
"I'll let him know you said bye" I say, giving Cecily's hand one last pat. "Bye" I call as I mount the steps to the train, but the smoke is to thick and the chatter of the station to bright, so I smile and board the train, hoping to Godric's sake Potter hasn't purposely chosen Evan's compartment again this year, in the hope of wooing his 'precious Lilly flower' nice and early.
The ride to Hogwarts passes in a haze of idle chatter, and a few well aimed hexes from Lilly. Sirius moans he's hungry whilst Peter treats us to a blow by blow account of the Cannons last match and James try's to figure out how to transfigure his ears back to their natural colour and huffs silently at his 'precious Lilly-flowers' latest rejection. One down and we haven't even got to Hogwarts yet; he certainly isn't wasting any time this year.
The great hall is positively glowing tonight as we sit down in our usual space at the top end of the Gryffindor table- a notable distance from Lilly and her friends. Sirius groans as he sees the long line of first years snaking through the double doors.
"I'm hungry" he moans.
"You ate not ten minutes ago on the train" James rolls his eyes.
"The moste noble and ancient heir of Black will find himself as hungry as he see's fitting!" he says indignantly, puffing out his chest.
"The moste noble and soon to be disowned heir of Black will shut up and watch the firsties" I laugh "anyway I thought you were still in protest of Hogwarts food!"
"Only because it's made by house elves" he says "they scare me!"
"The moste noble and ancient, soon to be disowned heir of black scared of a few house elves" James raises his eyebrow, making his glasses fall crooked on his nose.
"It's their ears" Sirius huffs indignantly "they creep me out, I mean come on, if you where raised with six of their dead heads on your walls, you'd have a right to be a bit grossed out that they were making your food!"
"Fair point" I laugh as James chortles and McGonagall sets the old, three legged stool down with a final clang, muting all conversation.
Sirius of course takes this as an excuse to talk that little bit louder, nudging me in the ribs playfully.
"So Remiekins, which young ladies have you been courting in my absence" he practically announces to the Gryffindor table at large. "I mean I know my antics are anything but subtle, but I we all know you're really the super slut!" He winks at the third years sat a few spaces along from us who giggle silently.
"You know I only have eyes for you dear" I joke, "besides where I come from the only women to 'court' are Mrs Twig my crazy old neighbour and her twelve year old niece."
"Ooh kinky" he whispers audibly and James throws him a disgusted look.
"You're incorrigible" he says.
"Don't pretend you know what it means"
"Bite me Black"
"Well if you insist..."
"SIRISUS DON'T YOU DARE, EEWWWWW"
Professor McGonagall rolls up her parchment with far more force than necessary, and as the last frightened looking first year scurried off towards the Hufflepuff table she drew her eyebrows into a tight line.
"Potter, Black, if you don't shut up this instance you'll have another dozen detentions under your belt before the end of the first day; or are you going for a record this year?"
Sirius looks as though he has every intention of declaring that, yes, he does indeed have that particular record to break but I elbow him silently and he shuts up; his mouth a tight smirk. She stalks back to the staff table, leaving James to nurse the bite wound on his hand.
"You know it's a figure of speech right Pads" he sighs.
"Yes but my delectable friend you taste quite-
"Oh thank Merlin!" Pete exclaims; James's hostility diapering at the sight of the mounds of food now basking on the golden plates before us. Pete looks up his mouth full of mashed potato.
"So who have you been courting then" he says, although it come out of more a series of grunts and gasps as his mouth is so full. Sirius shoots him a disgusted look and resumes the attack.
"Yeah Remie, which Ladies have you been seducing with your wolfie powers"
"Can you two shut up, I told you, no one!"
"Oh come on don't give me that garbage" Pete pipes up, his airways thankfully clear of all substance. "James and Sirius practically went through James's entire village, it was a nightmare"
"Really?" I raise an eyebrow,
"Oh Gods we had to keep them on a leash around Pads- figuratively of course" James says "that would be kinky even for us, but yeah, apparently the 'ridiculously long haired with two sizes to tight jeans' look works wonders."
"Oh yeah" Sirius laughs "and the 'lanky four eyed wanker' look works every time."
"Guys, seriously, you two both need to be on leashes, you're ridiculous!" I sigh, loading the Hogwarts perfected food onto my plate; I mean Sirius could say what he wants about house elves, but their cooking is to die for.
"Yeah well, it's not my fault the charming ladies of Little Surry couldn't keep their hands to themselves, but then, with my care free good looks, and cutting charm can you blame them" Sirius states grinning lazily.
"Oh and your elegant modesty?" I say, raising an eyebrow.
"Of course, we even found a nice rodent for Pete didn't we?" he says as Pete turns a delicate shade of crimson and feebly protests through a large mouthful of Yorkshire Pudding in which the words 'don't' and 'very pretty' can be distinguished.
"Pete?" I say inquisitively while James chortles into his goblet.
"Oh yes" James says, emerging from his pumpkin juice, "our little Wormy has been wooing no less than the prestigious Mary Abbott!"
I glance over to the Hufflepuff table where a small brunette, with dull features and a very high, keen, laugh is sat talking animatedly to a group of equally small and giggly girlfriends who are all watching her admiringly.
"Hey Jamie, I think her friends got her eye on you!" Sirius laughs, as Peter looks up from his plate to flash Mary a large, lingering smile of true devotion before once again divulging in his mountain of food, with almost the same enthusiasm.
"What, Irene Danvers?" James snorts watching the curvy blond cast him hopeful looks over her goblet "she's all boobs and legs- sure she's good to look at, but come on, she's got nothing on my Lily-flower" he says, absently ruffling his hair and looking down the table to where said redhead sat; amerced in conversation with Marlene MacKinnon, her emeralds flashing slightly as she caught his eye, quickly looking away.
"Fair point mate" Sirius says casually "there's no real pride in going for girls like her, you want those cute little Ravenclaw's, all buttoned up- the ones Remie here seems to enjoy courting so much!"
"Actually Pads it's called tutoring."
He snorts. "Oh yeah." he makes his voice high and clutches my arm, fake swooning. "Remus, I don't understand this be a dear and help me out" he mocks. "Oh! Oh Remus could you possibly help me with this, oh and Remus would you like to look over my homework, oh oh and Remus, ravish my naked body!"
James dissolved into fresh laughter and I hit Sirius on the side of the head, his hair absently flopping down into his eyes on impact.
"Sirius, I swear to God, you are incorrigible; do you ever think about anything else?"
"Sure! Just interested in your love life Remie- as a good friend should be- wouldn't want you dating one of the Bullstorde sisters on the sly" he wrinkles his nose.
"I swear to Godrics grave, one more word mutt..."
I swear the half light of the dormitory has never looked so inviting. The moonlight flooding the room with and ethereal, lamenting glow, the fours beds lying around the circular room, tall and lean their crimson covers looking as welcoming as ever. Peter stumbles across the room and onto his bed in a matter of seconds, heaving a sigh of relief.
"Jeeze Pete" Sirius says as he walks over to his own bed "I'm surprised we didn't have to roll you up the stairs the amount you just ate."
Peter shoots his the finger from his pile of blankets. I walk over to my bed, and sit down on the covers. The pillow looks soft and warm, James retreats to the small bathroom, and Pete closes his hangings to change into his pyjamas. Sirius comes to sit next to me, sinking back into my pillows. He always insisted my bed was the comfiest; I always argued it was because mine didn't have all manner of unidentified organisms and week old litter in it but he always insisted I somehow charmed it comfier and was refusing them the knowledge. Well that or he'd insist I performed sexual favours for the house elves to get it made up extra nice. Gods that boy really did have some kind of strange fixation with house elves.
He stretches aristocratically and absently loops his arms around my shoulders. I laugh because there are about six hundred female, and possibly some male members of Hogwarts who would give their first born son to be where I am right now. But that's just the way we've always been; physically closer than the others. I don't know why, sometimes I just think his life's been a little bit starved of affection, and James wouldn't put up with his unmanly bullshit.
"I missed you this summer Remie" he says.
"Bullshit, you and James had heaps of fun without me, poor Mrs Potter's looking greyer by the day!"
James's voice comes from the adjacent bathroom "Oi you lanky prick don't call my mother grey!"
Sirius pulls me closer.
"No" he persists "I missed you." He pouts in a very childlike way, that would make anyone else look ridiculous, but like everything, he seems to pull it off effortlessly. "How was the moon?"
"Oh alright" I lie casually "the wolf was a little disgruntled without his pack but he adjusted." Actually the wolf had been positively furious about being locked in Cecily's basement all summer, and he had a few new scars to prove so, but there was no use worrying his midnight haired companion with this. Evidently Sirius could see the lie in amber eyes. Wow it really was unnerving how he could do that.
"I'll be there next time, I promise" he says suddenly serious. "I wish you'd let me come over in the summer!"
"Have you seen Cecily's house!" I laugh casually "it barely fits the three of us in!" He continues to look sullen; to I snuggle closer, knowing physical contact is the best approach when it comes to remedying Sirius. "I'm fine Pads, really."
He gives me one last long look before smiling at me, "well good, I need my Moony up and running- Oh" he adds as an afterthought "and able to do my transfiguration homework!" He waggles his eyebrows.
"Absolutely not! You haven't even got any yet anyway!"
"Yeah but I will" he sighs dramatically "And old McGonagills will be really grinding our noses against the text books this year, so I might as well ask now; I don't much like the sound of these OWL's".
"No, no, no. You have to do it yourself you silly mutt, because how do you expect to be the moste noble and ancient and disowned and all that bullshit heir of Black with no qualifications!"
"I shall rule on instinct alone! And I shall declare everyday 'hug-a-moony day!" he says with fake bravado.
I roll my eyes, "you're not going to be king Pads!"
"Have you met my family, sure I am! And my second act will be to get you to tattoo Kreature's corpse on your chest on pain of death!"
I laugh and push him backwards, but his hand loops around my waste and drags me down with him. James walks in to the room, eyes bleary.
"Ew, guys get a room!" he squeals.
"Never!" Sirius cries, pushing my struggling form back onto the bed.
"Black get off me before I hex you to Timbuktu" I say, laughing as he starts signing some old, hideous muggle love song he heard on one of Cecily's old cassettes. Damn I knew it was a mistake playing him them.
Eventually the Black heir stops molesting me and returns to his respectable bed. James turns the light out and we all lie in silence for a minute.
"Night" I say sleepily.
"Night Remie" I hear from the bed next to me. James yawns and then all is silent once more.
I pull the covers further up my body and fold gratefully into the warmth of the bed. I don't think of my mother's crimson blood blotting the ground tonight or the look on Cecily's face as she let me go this morning. I think of Sirius and his catatonically bad nickname, and the way he smells like the perfect mix of sweetness, cinnamon, masculinity and something reminiscent of an oncoming storm which is distinctly him. Sometimes it feels like I have two lives, one with dreams of silver chains and black blood, and one with rich food, bright colours and Sirius's arm around my waste. Somehow this lulls me into a warm sleep and as darkness steels the castle into its ice embrace I let my eyes flicker closed, and my deep contented breaths fill the room.
a/n: So yeah, are all feeling the sexual tension between the pups right now? I sure know I am... Anyway yeah, so I'm doing a wolfstar fic right now, it's only going t be short, maybe 10 chapters, and it's going to be from Remus's POV because come on, I love him. Sorry if the humour in this is shit, and it starts of really angsty which sucks, but it will hopefully get funnier (even though I suck at comedy, figured I'd give it a shot) Oh and I know Remus wouldn't technically be able to apperate at 16, but yeah, never mind, lets say the law was different at that age. Oh yeah, and warning this is going to get smutty Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
As always read and review and I and the pups will love you forever and ever
THBH x