Author's note: Yay, my first comeback fic! I'm so happy...anyway, this is a random fic I started writing a while ago and finally finished it. I was attempting to tie up the confusion I felt regarding Conrad and Julia's love. Hope everyone likes it! Read and review please!
See Right Through You
By Breathing Stars
He breathes evenly as he sleeps, and doesn't even stir as her soft, pale hands gently caress his shoulder. She gasps and her sightless eyes widen as her fingers meet his skin, but she doesn't recoil. It has been too long. The memories she and Conrart had shared together are burned into his body, etched deep inside his flawless skin from all the times they had held each other, all the tears he had shed over her. She removes her hand and steps back when he suddenly begins to stir.
Conrart's deep brown eyes slowly open, and one hand reaches up to shield them from the light that radiates from her ghostly form. Suddenly his surroundings fall into place, and Conrart stares in disbelief. He shifts quietly, shock completely replacing irritation on his face, and then the look falls to one of wonderment and joy as he confirms who stands before him.
"Julia?!"
She smiles as he runs into her arms. Conrart entangles his fingers into the long, silky blue hair that smells like cherry blossoms, the hair he had not entwined his fingers in for a many long, lonely year. He lifts her off her feet, crushing her body as well as her lips against his, feeling her power and energy tear through him like lightning.
Then they stand together, locked in a warm and tight embrace. Julia hears a small sigh of contentment escape her mouth and her eyes slide closed. Oh, how she had missed this. Even if it was only for this small amount of time, she could have Conrart back with her. She puts both white fists on his chest and gently pushes him back so their eyes meet. Not one of the deepest oceans could possibly hope to surpass the amount of love that shown when they looked at each other.
Conrart shakes his head. "Julia...what...how...?"
A small finger touches his lips to quiet him.
"I brought you here," she says with that gentle smile he had loved so much. "Because we need to talk." Then she steps out of his embrace entirely, a look of deep sadness replacing her smile as she retreats. Whenever she thinks about it, it seems she and Conrart have not been apart for long, but when she looks at him and feels him near she knows she is wrong. Her love for him still burns as strongly as ever, and from his reaction to seeing her, his love has found new strength. Because of her death and other obstacles standing in their way, their love had been wounded, but not destroyed.
And in her absence, Julia finds, Conrart has fallen in love with another.
He walks up behind her, head tilting to one side in curiosity and confusion. She gasps when he suddenly pulls her close against him, arms snaked tightly around her thin waist.
"What's wrong? Talk about what?" he says comfortingly.
Julia smiles at his familiar coaxing, and rotates in his arms so to look up at him. Conrart is confused when she pushes his hand away from caressing her cheek, sidesteps away from his embrace. Her pale eyes, he notices, have lost their lively flame.
"Conrart," Julia begins. "How have you been?"
The half human raises an eyebrow at her question, but answers nonetheless. "Um...in general, I'd say I survived." He turns from her when memories begin to resurface at the words. "When I lost you, I was pretty certain I would never be happy again."
"Again?" Julia says. She walks lightly toward him, puts a hand on his cheek to turn his head to look at her, and he notices she's serious. "I made you happy, Conrart?"
Outrage and yet more confusion blossom on the young warrior's face at her words. It still makes her chuckle with amusement. But Conrart is hurt. He steps back and slaps her hand away like one would a poisonous insect.
"Julia! What are you saying?! Of COURSE you made me happy! How can you ask such a -"
"Did you love me?"
Conrart stops cold. He feels his blood freeze. Julia raises her head, hair falling back from her face to drape her shoulders like deep aqua water, hands clasped over her chest. Her expression is dead serious, eyes clear and hard.
Conrart is angry now. He is getting frustrated with this strange woman before him. She has Julia's looks, Julia's voice...but does Julia's heart beat within her? Then he sighs and closes his eyes as he realizes he's being stupid and overreacting. The soldier's chocolate eyes slide open again and he looks away.
"You know I did," he whispers painfully.
Julia feels her eyes soften. She chokes back the urge to cry as her heart begins skipping beats. Taking a deep breath, the young healer walks gracefully past Conrart and sits down on a nearby bench. When he pivots to face her again, one hand falls upon the seat beside her, gesturing for him to join her. He hesitates at first, but soon is in her arms again, her lips pressed against his hair.
They stay like that for what seems the entire night, Julia's white light illuminating them as they feel each other's presence. Neither of them want to move. All they want is to stay like this forever, bitter words and memories abandoned...but it is Julia who finally pushes Conrart back, shattering the perfect moment. She can tell she is not the only one holding back tears.
"Conrart," she begins shakily. "Look at me."
It is a few minutes before he does so. He does not know what's coming, but he can feel the finality in it and he knows he won't like it.
Julia stares into his eyes, then starts again.
"Conrart...I apologize for all the heartache I have caused you, even when I still lived. It was foolish of me to think that I could carry love in my heart for both you and Adalbert."
Fires of hate ignite in Conrart's eyes at the name, which makes Julia want to cry again. She presses on, even though all she wants to do is break down.
"But no matter how foolish it was, I did love you both. And I am not ashamed to admit that." She turns away from his intense gaze. "Only...I am ashamed to say, that the man I truly loved was not my betrothed."
Conrart does not react. He does not even breathe. He just continues to watch her, waits for her to finish.
"Understand, I loved Adalbert dearly," Julia went on. "And I was incredibly happy with him and looking forward to our wedding." She turned and locked eyes with him, making Conrart breathless once again. "That is, until I met you. And Conrart, before I knew it, I had fallen completely in love. Not with Adalbert. With you."
Once again, there is little reaction from Conrart. He finds he cannot quite decipher what he feels. Her words make his insides melt, his heart weigh nothing as it soars and pounds with the purest happiness.
But...he also feels quite betrayed. He looks at her again, concern shining through her sky colored eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks.
Julia closes her eyes. A small sigh of sorrow and pain escapes her as she turns away again. Conrart cannot help reaching for her hand and entwining their fingers together.
"I was ashamed," she said. "Not of loving you Conrart, but that you were not my fiance. I kept asking myself, what would become of you if I married Adalbert? And what would become of Adalbert if I confessed to you? There was too much at stake, and too many unanswered questions." She paused, then said something that made his heart tumble: "I had made my choice. I was going to confess to you after the war."
After the war. Conrart feels himself break once again. After the war Julia had been dead. If things had gone differently, the way they were supposed to have gone, she would have come to him. He could have told her everything. Everything she was now telling him.
"Julia..."
Conrart can't stop everything from breaking lose inside him.
"Julia, why after the war? Why didn't you come to me when things weren't in total chaos? There was so much I was hiding from you, so much I wanted you to know, but I never told you because I didn't want to ruin your engagement! I thought being with Adalbert was important to you! If you didn't love him WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!" He tries, but he can't stop the tears from falling.
Julia holds him close.
"Conrart, I told you. I DID love Adalbert, if only in a different way."
"But you didn't love him enough to marry him!!! By the Great One Julia, you knew how in love I was with you, I didn't hide it! You should have said something!!!"
At that moment, Julia realizes just how much pain both her silence and her death had caused. Guilt washes over her like a dark storm wave, but she shakes it off. For nothing can be done to change the past. In the endless tide of the war she had died, and now she could call neither Adalbert nor Conrart her own. And she knows this. But there is something she can do to ease the pain, if not help it find closure. She holds Conrart as he cries, then raises his head to meet her eyes again.
"Conrart...I am so sorry. I was terribly foolish, and now you're paying that price. Both you and Adalbert." She gives him a smile, and that makes him smile as well. She continues.
"But I believe both of you have found ways to move on. Adalbert is strong and bold, he always was. Nothing holds him down forever. And you..." she lets herself trail off for a moment as she pushes dark hair out of his deep eyes. "You have found a new love. One who, unlike me, can give you love in return."
Conrart's confusion returns. He grabs Julia's wrist to get her attention, and pulls it down so it rests atop his on the bench. He stares at her, thinking perhaps he misunderstood.
"Julia?" he asks. "A new love?"
Julia allows herself a small chuckle and shakes her head. He is in denial, just as she knew he would be.
"Yes Conrart," she says. "A new love. Ever since the war you have clung to the past like no one else, but finally, the time has come where you have moved on from me and fallen in love again."
Suddenly, she's cut off. Conrart has torn his hands from hers, stood up from the bench. He is now staring down at her angrily, and she is confused.
"You're wrong," he states with absolute certainty. "You are the only one I have ever loved, and as long as I live there will be no one else. Julia, I do not know what has gotten into you. How can you possibly think I could ever love another, when you are everything that has ever made me whole?"
She hears the hurt in his voice, the outrage. But behind all that, she detects the tiniest hint of shame and guilt. Conrart knows who she is talking about, and feels like he has betrayed her.
Julia moves gracefully, and stands up beside Conrart. He tries to turn away, but she is faster. Her soft hands cup his face, make him look and listen.
"Conrart, listen to me. It is okay to love him. However, it is not okay to make yourself miserable the rest of your life with age old memories of me. I know that you loved me, and only I can know how deeply I loved you. I will always love you, always be with you...but I can never again complete you as I did," she explains forcefully, like that of a mother telling her child something of great importance. Julia allows her eyes to soften when she sees a flash of fear cross the soldier's eyes.
She pulls him close again. His arms wrap around her waist once more and her arms go around his neck. There is no anger or harsh words in this embrace, there is only love, and the deepest longing. Julia feels her tears welling up again, but Conrart's hands on her hair calms her into thinking straight.
"Conrart...I am dead. I have been dead for twenty years. The time has come now for you to accept that."
He stiffens against her and does not respond.
"You have found love in someone else, but you have not told him anything because you feel that by doing so, you will be betraying me." She pulls away to look at him, to make him smile again. "This is nowhere near the case."
Conrart meets her gaze, but does not return her smile. He feels lost. His eyes reflect it back at her.
"Conrart, all I want is for you to be happy, and if you deny yourself this love that is never going to happen." Julia reaches up to stroke his hair, then all of a sudden pulls him down and kisses him. Conrart is stunned, but doesn't object. For the first time, he loses himself completely in her kiss.
Suddenly, her light begins to flicker. The setting around them starts faltering, and becoming unfocused. Conrart looks around him, wide eyed with shock...then Julia is leaving him. Her hands leave his as she floats upward. He calls out to her, telling her not to leave, but she is fading rapidly.
"Go now. Tell him of your love. Everything will be alright." Just before she disappears completely, Julia turns and meets the half human's dark brown eyes with her cloudy blue one last time.
"I love you..."
The next thing Conrart knows, he is in his bedchamber. The window is open and the bright early morning sun is shining through, bringing comforting warmth to the chilly room. He is breathing quite heavily, looking around him for any convincing evidence of Julia's visit...and remembers. There is only one thing.
He dresses and hurries through the halls. It seems the castle is just starting to stir, and most of the devoted workers (aka Gunter, Gwendal etc.) are already up and working. Of this Conrart takes little notice. He is looking for one person in particular, and strongly hopes that that person is here.
Finally, he reaches the courtyard and brightens with joy. Gunter is standing over by the fountain...and he's talking with Yozak! Surprised at his good luck, Conrart hurries toward them and arrives just as Gunter has walked away. Yozak hears his approach and turns in greeting.
"Well good morning captain," he says in his usual cheery voice. "This is sure one of our more beautiful spring seasons, don't you think?" Yozak cheery smile fades when he takes a good look at Conrart's face.
"Captain?" he asks, concerned. "Is everything alright?"
Conrart looks at Yozak and sighs contentedly. It's all clear to him now. Why Julia came to him, what she wanted him to do, and now he understands that it's what he wants to do as well. Julia will always be in his heart...but now it is time for him to start expanding what love his heart could hold.
He flashes his best smile. "Everything is fine Yozak, good morning," he says. Then turns and gestures towards the upstairs. "I have something I need to tell you. Come with me?"
Yozak is confused, but shrugs and follows his captain.