Disclaimer: Don't own them.
A/N: My inspiration for this little story is the movie "The Ugly Truth." Scully is not as bad as Abby (Katherine Heigl's character), but she's almost that bad with her nagging and uptight-ness.
It was Monday morning, and Fox Mulder sat at his desk. He should have been reading case files or writing reports, but he was throwing pencils at the ceiling instead. Unfortunately, his time spent throwing pencils at the ceiling was cut short when his reason to actually start working walked through the door.
Dana Scully walked straight over to her desk in the corner and flopped into her chair. A frustrated "ugh!" escaped her lips.
Mulder raised an eyebrow and asked, "Was your weekend that nice? I'm jealous. I sat at home again. Saw some good movies, though."
Scully turned her head to stare at him.
"Mulder..." she began, almost helplessly. She got up, walked to the door, peeked out into the empty hallway, and shut the door. She leaned against it for a second, looking at her partner thoughtfully.
Mulder was slightly disturbed by Scully's odd behavior, but he was too curious to actually care about that. He wanted- no- needed to know what she was thinking.
"Scully... do you have something you would like to share with me?" he asked, smiling and cocking his head to the side. He was amused by her apparent distress.
She walked over to stand in front of his desk.
"You're a man," she began, but paused to think of the best way to say what she needed to say.
"What an astute observation! I am, indeed, a man."
Scully did not roll her eyes at him as he had expected her to do. Instead she stood in front of him looking rather nervous, studying his features. This, in turn, made him nervous.
She took a deep breath and said, "Okay." This statement was, however, directed more towards herself and less at him. She walked back to her desk, grabbed her chair, and pulled it over to face him. She then took a seat. She leaned forward as if she were going to tell him a secret.
"Why do men not want to have sex with me?"
This was not the question that he was expecting. Not in a million years. They had never spoken of their sex lives (or lack thereof) to each other. Actually, Mulder was very careful to not even use the word 'sex' around her. It was true that he would occasionally hit on her a bit, but that was for entertainment. He liked to see her squirm.
"I had two dates this weekend. Two! And neither of them even tried to kiss me! I mean, I know I'm not ugly. I should be able to at least get a 'breast' man!" She leaned back in her chair to wait for his response.
"Um... I'm not sure that I'm the person you should be asking-"
Scully ignored him. "You know me, Mulder, and are a man, like I said. Is there something wrong with me?"
"Uh... no. No, there's nothing wrong with you... Just-"
"I don't like the way you said 'wrong.' Why did you say it like that? There is something wrong with me. I can tell that you're lying." Scully's sentences seemed to blend together.
"I'm not lying..."
"Yes you are! It's my hair, isn't it? It's too short."
"You're hair's fine-"
"Fine?! 'Fine' doesn't get you laid! Mulder, you're not being very helpful. Now tell me what's wrong with me!"
"That's what's wrong, Scully. If you talked to these men at all like the way you talk to me, then, no, they won't want to have sex with you! You're an OCD control-freak who likes to nag! It's not very sexy."
Scully glared at him.
"Hey! You asked," he reminded her, holding his hands up. "Your nagging alone could scare a man's penis away."
Scully huffed. "I don't know why I'm asking you, anyway. It's not like you've had sex recently either!"
"Whoa! Wait just a minute! I'm just being honest and trying to help you. There's no need for the attack my personal life!"
"It's true..." she said, shrugging.
"You don't know that..."
Scully crossed her arms and gave him a look that said she did.
"Okay, maybe you do, but that doesn't matter. This conversation isn't about me. It's about you. You're the one who's... frustrated."
"Okay, then, what do you say I should do next time?"
"Next time? Do you have another date coming up?"
"Yeah. Wednesday night."
Mulder thought for a second. He didn't really want to help Scully get laid. First of all, he didn't want her to be gloating that she had gotten some and he hadn't. Secondly, the thought of a complete stranger and Scully... He didn't even finish that thought.
"Why do you want to have sex with a complete stranger, anyway? Isn't that kind of dangerous?"
"Okay, Special Agent Fox Mulder! It's not dangerous if it's a friend of a friend because technically he won't be a stranger. I hate that you men think that all women want relationships and marriage, but I just want to get laid!"
"So, basically, you want a one night stand?" he questioned to make sure that he was clear on the facts.
"Basically," she confirmed.
"Why?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why don't you want a relationship?"
"Mulder, let's face it, what we do is weird. I don't want something to go on long enough for someone to think that I'm weird."
"You are weird..." he muttered.
Scully picked up an unsharpened pencil and threw it at him. "Not helpful!"
"Hey!" he said, laughing. "That's one of my projectiles! Easy now!"
Scully glanced up at the ceiling. She then ran her hands through her hair. "Again, I don't know why I started this with you."
Mulder shrugged. "Probably because I was the first man you came across. Hmm, I wonder how this would have gone if Skinner was the first man you came across..."
Scully laughed. "Mulder, that's not it! You're my friend. I knew that you would tell me the truth. Besides, Skinner would have turned red, mumbled something, and then would have quickly escaped."
"I think he would have offered his own services..."
"Ew! Mulder! He's our boss. How can you say that! Now I have a horrible mental image!"
"Me too..."
"Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Wednesday. What should I do?"
Mulder had hoped that he had sidetracked her on the subject. He had failed. He thought that he might as well tell her how he would like her to look and behave, if she were to be meeting him, and if he was a typical guy that just wanted to get laid, which, of course, he wasn't. If he were really going out on a date with Scully, he wouldn't change a thing about her. But he wasn't, so he was left to give his advice instead.
"Okay," he began. "Men are visual. If it were me, I would want to see you in a short little black dress with lots of cleavage. Visual, remember. Your hair really is fine- I mean, nice. Just keep it down, like it is now. As for your personality, at first, men really don't care about that. Honestly. Just laugh at any jokes he says, even if they're not funny."
"Even if they're not funny?! I don't want to be a bimbo!"
"Scully, it's not possible for you to be a bimbo. But... you need to act like you're not smarter than everyone else."
"I'm not smarter than everyone else-"
"I know," he said quickly, giving her a toothy grin.
"Hey! I am smarter than you!" she told him, slapping his arm.
"We'll leave that debate for another day... Anyways, it is intimidating for a man to be with someone who is smarter than he is," he told her honestly. He then cheekily added, "That's why you don't intimidate me!"
He finally earned an eye-roll from her. He mentally high-fived himself. He never would have thought that work was going to be this much fun today.
"Absolutely NO nagging or being a control-freak. If he wants to order for you, let him."
"What if I don't like what he orders."
"Deal with it. Most men like to be in control. When you try to take control it threatens our manhood, and we lose any sexual interest."
"I guess that I just can't win with men! You say that I'm too controlling, but all of my past relationships consisted of me being controlled. Neither have ended well."
"You said you didn't want a relationship," he pointed out. "I'm not giving you tips on how to get a boyfriend, here. These are 'how to get laid' tips. And, unfortunately for you, you can't be your lovely self. The real you would scare most men away."
"What if Mr. Wednesday is the type of guy who wouldn't be scared away?"
"Well, Ms. FBI, you'll just have to read the situation. If he's like most men, do what I say. If not, he's either gay and trying desperately to hide it, or he's weird, and you have nothing to worry about. You two could go be weird together..."
"You said that I would scare most men away."
Mulder knew that statement was going somewhere by the change of tone in her voice. She had gotten quiet, but she sounded curious. All joking had died down, and seriousness took its place.
"Yes..." he said, trying to get her to go on.
"What type of man wouldn't I scare away? Now that I know what to do with the type who would normally run as fast as they could away from me and my brilliance," she said, giving him a small smile.
"I'm not sure, Scully. You haven't scared me away. I'm still here."
"Mulder, we're forced to work together."
"That hurt's me, Scully," he told her. "What we have is a type of relationship. Not romantic or sexual, but it's still a relationship."
"Is it sad that the longest relationship that either of us have ever had is with each other? And it's a work relationship."
"It's a friendship, Scully," he corrected her. "And, no. I don't think it's sad. I just proves that at least there's one person that neither of us can scare away. Each other."
"Sometimes I wish that I could scare you away..." she muttered.
"Yep, but that will never happen." Mulder gave her his best and biggest smile. "You're stuck with me!"
Scully was sick of his smugness and decided that she would wipe that smile right off of his face.
"I have one more question."
"What's that?" he asked, still smiling.
"Have you ever thought of me like that?" she asked, her own lips forming a small, knowing smile.
His smile began to fade, and confusion took it's place. "Like what?"
"Have you ever wanted to have sex with me?"
Mulder looked shocked at the question, but Scully could tell that it was only to help mask his nervousness. She leaned forward in the chair, resting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands, and she waited for his answer.
It only took a few seconds for Mulder's smile to return. He shrugged, and simply said, "I'm a man."
A/N: Another note! Aren't you all excited! Not sure if I want to turn this into a short story or leave it as a moment. I guess I can take a poll. Anyone want a story? Or should I leave it?