Shade after shade, a naruto fanfic

Shade after shade

Disclaimer: Naruto is the intellectual property of Masashi Kishimoto. No money is being made from this story and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Note: I haven't written fanfiction in ages but Naruto somehow managed to bring me back to it. I wrote this for fun, for the sheer pleasure of writing, so don't expect anything too fancy. I still hope that you'll enjoy reading it. I certainly enjoyed writing it.

Temari doesn't think of herself as a girl.

Girls are innocent and giggly, with petty wedding dreams. They are weak.

She's never been allowed to be any of that, and she wouldn't want it any other way.

Women are even worse.

At least, girls still have a chance to evolve. They are young enough to learn that they can be something else than the shallow pretty things they are designed to be.

But women. They are so sure of their true nature, of what every single woman in the world should be. Always calm and considerate, sweet and gentle. Patiently attending to their family, welcoming their husband with a warm hug and a kiss when he comes home. Pregnancy after pregnancy, they will bring into this world the new generation of children that will be taught that girls can not be, should not be, anything more than girls.

Temari is female. She doesn't deny it. But she will never behave like a girl.

Her clothes are a provocation to all the good women of Suna. They cling to the curves of her breasts and hips in a way that is offending to the village's old crones. She takes pride in the elegant little snorts that escape the lips of young proper ladies as they cross paths.

When that boy from a ninja village grown too soft calls her a girl, it upsets her. Only a little. But a little is more than it should.

Because the fight has been fought before.

Women are a valuable asset in Suna, yes. As carriers, as breeders. Not as ninjas. The few women strong enough to defy conventions rarely go far in the ranks. Not because they don't have the talent. Men simply can't accept to see a woman being good at what is supposed to be a "men's thing".

Some find it easier to become medics, because in the ninja world, it is what they ought to be. Some become spies, and that is acceptable too. A woman's body is a jutsu in itself. Those who choose to be warriors, you don't see a lot of them.

She learns very early that a woman can't afford to be a man's equal. She has to be stronger. Men will not respect her or fear her if she defeats them. They will consider it a fluke and have to heart to prove that she really is as weak as they want her to be.

She doesn't let it get to her. Whenever she loses it is because her opponent is stronger than her, her gender has nothing to do with it.

There was a time when it enraged her to be underestimated so. Then, Baki told her : "You are a woman, as such men will always disregard your skills. You can be upset by it or use it as an advantage, your call." She made the intelligent choice, of course.

She is startled at first, to see that there are so many genin girls in Konoha. Female ninjas are a rarity in Suna, but all of them are strong. So maybe the Leaf isn't so weak after all.

She understands soon enough that she is wrong about that part. They are just girls who can never hope to understand the true meaning of the word kunoichi.

In Suna everyone knows what it truly means to be a ninja. When children enter the Academy, it is very clear to them. She doubts that it is the case in Konoha. She's never seen so many people less fitted to be shinobis gathered in one place.

From the boy's comment, she half expects him to throw himself at her and try to defeat her with raw strength. She almost immediately chases the idea away. She's seen his precedent match, he can use his brains.

It quickly becomes evident that it will be a battle of wits. That's fine with Temari. She's not only powerful, she's also intelligent.

He might be promising, but he's still just a boy. He can't surprise her; he's displayed his clan bloodline before her. A handy technique, granted. But it is easy enough to counter its effects once you know how it works. Therefore, she doesn't think him able to win.

However, strange as it might be, she is enjoying it. Fighting someone whose intelligence rivals hers doesn't happen that frequently. If that boy were from Suna, she would ask him as a sparring partner.

Halfway through the match, she realizes her mistake. She's underestimated him.

Still, he won't defeat her.

By the time she understands that intellectually he is superior to her, it is too late. She's already lost. To her defence, she couldn't afford to go all out, with the impending invasion of Konoha. Yet, it shames her.

It becomes worse when the brat decides that he doesn't want his win. What does it matter if he's low on chakra? Doesn't he know how to push himself? It infuriates her. How can someone that talented be that uncaring? As her adversary, she feels insulted. As a ninja she is disgusted by his behaviour. In Suna, someone with his strategic abilities would never be allowed such a selfish attitude.

When she is sent to rescue him, she takes satisfaction in it.

By the look of it, he and his opponent have been fighting for a long time. She's no fool. She knows all too well what kind of freaks Orochimaru keeps by his side. He would send his strongest and most dedicated servants for such a crucial mission. Shikamaru has been able to stand his ground against the Sound kunoichi. It is proof enough of his abilities. It doesn't stop her from enjoying the look on his face when she defeats the woman in a few seconds. Of course it helped that she'd already been weakened. But he doesn't need to know that.

It is only later, while they are waiting for news of his team mates in the hospital's corridor, that she realizes why he is so shattered. It was his first real mission, his first glimpse of what the ninja world truly is. She's well aware that her definition of dire danger is a bit messed up, from years spent around Gaara, but it is something she can relate to. You can have all the training you want. Nothing can prepare you for the first time you'll have to fight for your life, against an opponent you have very few chances of defeating, with only yourself to rely on. And she has to admit, he had it rough.

For all his intelligence, he's still just a boy.

You don't cuddle people in Suna. Being confronted to yourself is as much caring and comfort as you will ever get. What good has wallowing in self pity ever done to anybody.

She doesn't expect his father to scold him so sternly. From someone from Konoha, she expected warm hugs and words of reassurance. Not that. She wonders if Shikamaru is in a state to realize that the man is saying that only because he cares deeply about him.

She can't remember ever seeing a man cry like that, acknowledging his own weaknesses and mistakes. She didn't think it was possible. Especially in front of a woman who'd just humiliated him by saving his life.

But there he is, sobbing and hip cupping.

Strangely enough she doesn't despise him for it.

She acknowledges a truth that has been nagging at her for some time. Male, female, it doesn't make a difference. People are just people. They try to stick to what they were taught they should be. But maybe they are all wrong, maybe it doesn't matter. And maybe, maybe she can live with being a girl after all.

Things change after that. She changes.

She doesn't know what that Naruto kid has said or done to Gaara. He's never been so peaceful.

She's never dreamt that she'd ever hear him apologise.

Kankurou and her need to make apologises too. They've not really been any better to Gaara than the villagers. They've always been by his side, but most of the time, when they looked at him, it was Shukaku they saw. Gaara teaches them to see only Gaara.

She's never allowed herself to nourish sisterly feelings. There was no place for that in their lives. Kankurou and she have always been close, sure. She trusts him with her life and would never let anything happen to him. But in many ways, they are strangers.

Building their bond with Gaara, strengthening theirs, it is their personal battle.

They are not doing that badly she thinks.

As she travels back and forth from Suna to Konoha, she comes to understand that there is not only one kind of strength. You can be both human and a ninja.

Gradually, she allows a part of herself that she thought had died a long time ago to resurface. It is not much, but it is good to know that there is this tiny spark of innocence that managed to survive it all. She cherishes it.

When Gaara is named Kazekage, she knows that it is not entirely due to his abilities. The council members, the fools, want to keep him under control.

Gaara doesn't let it affect him. He takes his job very seriously. He wants to change things. She comes to believe that he will.

And then, there is Shikamaru. She doesn't quite know what to make of her feelings for him. There is respect and, more often than not, annoyance. Some days, she finds him tolerable, if asked, she would even admit to find his company enjoyable. But then, he has to say something and remind her how immature he still is.

Yet, there is something about him, between them.

They find themselves spending more time together. Whenever she comes to Konoha or whenever he comes to Suna. They always find time to see each other. Eventually, they acknowledge the fact that they are friends and end up sleeping at each other's place.

Unexpectedly, she learns to know him better. To her surprise, she even becomes able to read him. Now whenever she gets a "bothersome" out of him, she knows that she's actually managed to make him think.

It vexes her beyond belief when she realizes that it is attraction.

When on earth did her standards fall so low? Ok, Shikamaru isn't exactly bad looking, but he's definitely not the kind of man she would choose as a bed partner.

The fact that he is not her usual type is warning enough. There is lust involved yes, but it is mingled with something else. And it scares her.

Because of what it could mean.

Because of what it probably means.

Because of what it means dammit.

Denial won't help her here.

She was taught that it was not a thing for ninjas to share, but she knows better now.

So the real question is: what does she want to do about it?

The answer is very simple. Have as much as she can while she can.

She knows a tiny moment of doubt, but it doesn't last. He is attracted back, she can tell. She's seen the way he looks at her, and though he is more discreet than some, it is enough for her to notice.

The first time she kisses him, they are in the kitchen of his small apartment. He is incredibly clumsy. The mere idea of him not knowing about something as basic and simple as kissing has never occurred to her.

She doesn't make fun of him though, she's her first and it is much more important. Besides, he's a fast learner.

One of the things she likes about Shikamaru is that he knows his limits and isn't afraid to admit that some things are outside his rank of expertise.

He doesn't protest or question her as she leads the way to his bedroom.

Things remain unchanged after that. The only difference is that they sleep together now.

However, there is something that worries her. The man is lazy as hell. He would find it too tiring to woo a woman, even for the sake of having sex. So, maybe he lets her only because she proposes and because it doesn't require any effort from him. Or worse, he finds it too troublesome to refuse.

Well, she soon learns better about that.

They're sitting in a bar, relaxing after a long taxing mission when Kiba comes to join them. Now, she has nothing against Kiba, but her time with Shikamaru is precious. When it becomes clear that he's not planning to leave anytime soon, she resigns herself, and distractedly follows the two men's conversation. Shikamaru's hands are more interesting anyway. She's brought out of her reverie by Kiba's indignant cries.

"Waste, pure waste, it's all I have to say. I mean that hottie was offering herself to you! To you! And all you find to say is : you're bothersome!"

That makes her incredibly giddy. She's positive that it has never ever crossed the mind of Shikamaru to use the word "bothersome" while she was going down on him.

It is one of these days when she looks at him and is filled with tenderness. Which she would find absolutely ridiculous in any other woman.

"You're such an old man. You spend your days watching your clouds, you play go and shougi and always have something to complain about…"

She doesn't mean it as an attack, really. And her tone is warm.

"Whatever." He tries to sound aloof, but she can tell that he's a little hurt.

So, she's not the only one who feels insecure about that whole relationship thing. That's good to know.

"Believe it or not, I find it very endearing."

Shikamaru doesn't do much in bed. She doesn't mind. He's compliant and very responsive. And he moans beautifully.

She understands that it is not so much the laziness that makes him inactive than the fact that he doesn't really know what he should do, how far he can go, how much she will allow.

She takes it to heart to show him.

Sometimes, she goes with him, to watch the clouds. She knows that it is a privilege. There is only one other human being with who he shares those silent gazing sessions. At first she is lost. She is not used to it, not talking, not doing anything. When the thoughts come, unexpected, unwanted, she's not prepared for it. They lead her to places she'd rather not explore. It hurts. Because Temari rarely thinks about herself. But it proves to be soothing in the end. Her mind is always clearer afterwards. She thinks she understands why it is so important to him.

When they have sex, she takes her time now. She never knows if it will happen again. She wants to remember it all. The look in his eyes when she undresses, the feel of his hands when he cups her breasts, the way he looks with his hair down, the pattern of hard muscle and thin scars, the taste of his cock in her mouth, the feel of him inside her. And the rest, all the rest that she never has enough words to say, enough skin to touch, enough time to revere and cherish. Sometimes she feels desperate to kiss him, to hold him, to mark him, to make him hers. She licks and nips and bites until she leaves bruises. He never complains. He never marks her back.

He doesn't ask about her past. Not because he is indifferent, she's sure of that. He is intelligent enough to guess what it was like and to realize that she doesn't want to talk about it.

She ends up telling him anyway. He is looking at his clouds all the way, but she can tell he is listening. She doesn't expect tears. It is just a story that happened to her a long time ago. It should be no trouble, almost like making a mission report. Instead, her voice gets croaked and water is pouring out of her eyes. It's ok, though. She trusts him with her weaknesses.

He is not sure of how to react. Should he hold her, or will he be pushed away if he tries? She saves him the trouble. She throws her arms around him and buries her head in his chest. And for the first time in a long time, she allows herself to be comforted.

She doesn't ask about his life. There is not much to be said. He's had a normal childhood in a peaceful village, surrounded by loving parents and loyal friends. It would be boring to hear. Yet, she enjoys it, whenever he tells her about his team mates, his parents or his young students at the academy. He might complain a lot. But deep down she knows that he cares.

Shikamaru is a practical man and she's thankful for that. She wouldn't want any moronic idiot who thinks that because they bang each other and occasionally exchange tender gestures it means that she will marry him and bear his children.

Temari fought too hard to get where she is. She would not give up her independence for anything, or anyone. A kunoichi is what she is.

They are lovers and it is enough.

He understands that she will not abandon what she has for him. That means much more to her than any promises of weddings or sweet romance.

They don't discuss it. They both know how that discussion will end. They might be ninjas, but they're not fond of pain.

Their friends are starting to settle around them. Marriages and babies seem to be the only thing they talk about these days.

Temari and Shikamaru's relationship is not a secret and everyone wants to know when they will take it one step further.

Ino is the one who asks.

"So, Shikamaru when is it that you make an honest woman out of Temari? Hmm?" She says with a wink and a nudge in his ribs.

With no doubt, Ino is expecting the both of them to lose their usual cool demeanour, to blush, to stutter or something.

"I'm not getting married, Ino. Ever." He answers.

The room grows very cold after that. They're all looking at her, gauging her reaction. Feeling sorry for her she guesses.

She doesn't say anything. The others probably assume that she is too shocked to react.

"What!? What do you mean you're not getting married?" Screams the Yamanaka woman indignantly.

"Ino, drop it." Tells her Chouji.

"But…"

"It's ok. I don't care." Temari says.

Because in a weird twisted way, it is the most romantic thing he's ever said.

To most people, their relationship doesn't make sense. But their friends are ninjas. They understand that in their dysfunctional messed up world, whenever something works, you don't question it.

For the good women of Suna, her life is nothing to boast about. She's always been a ninja. All she's ever known is death and violence. She's barely a woman, she might have the looks, but underneath the clothes she's all scars, hard muscles and dry skin. She's nearly thirty and is not married. Never will be. Will never know the joys of pregnancy and children.

They couldn't possibly understand.

She was born in the Sand. She is a woman and a kunoichi. She became a jounin before her twentieth birthday. Her name is known and feared in all the ninja nations. She has two brothers. Both ninjas. Both alive and strong. She has friends she can trust with her life and secrets. She loves a man who's hers and hers alone and who will never try to tame her. She's got everything.

Thanks for reading! If you have something to say about this story, please feel free to let a comment. Positive or negative, I don't care, as long as it is constructive.

I will send a reply to any person who takes the time to review, if only to say thank you. If you don't have an account on FFN, it is not a problem, I accept anonymous reviews. However, I beg you, don't forget to let an e-mail address (don't worry, it won't be displayed on the site) where I can send an answer.

As you might have noticed, English is not my first language. So please forgive the faults that you most probably found in this text. Hopefully the story was good enough to make up for it. If it bugs you too much, please e-mail me and let me know what I've done wrong. You'd be a great help.