Against the Current

by Visionairy

Spoilers for 5x14. Famine is dead, and now Sam and Dean have to figure out how they can fight the apocalypse if one is hopeless and the other is dead inside. But first they have to get to Bobby's.

Chapter 1

Famine was dead, another Horseman down. Sam had reached inside and torn Famine apart from the inside out, and now - now he had to face the consequences. Breathing in great gulps of air while blood seeped off his chin, Sam tried to pull himself together. Looking across at his brother, he saw a mix of emotions stream across his face - fear, sorrow, horror, grief – they were all there.

With knees threatening to fold out from under him, Sam moved to the nearest empty table and dropped down - his recent actions beginning to filter through his pounding head. He'd broken – again. Again! Yes, he'd managed to deny Famine, to refrain from gorging himself on the blood of the demons in this room, but only because he'd satiated himself on the two Famine had personally delivered.

He was weak and self-centered, had no self-control. He had given in to the cravings and, now, once more, 'sorry' just wasn't even going to begin to cut it. Sam sunk down in the chair and watched warily as Dean gave Cas a hand up.

Dean, his brother, the one he had worked so very hard to make amends to over the past months. Sam dropped his head in shame. And just when they had begun to work things out, when they were beginning to feel a real connection with each other again. He had gone and thrown it all away. Sam shuddered. How could he face his brother now?

As Dean reminded Cas to grab the ring, he was already making his way over to Sam, and they both watched as another drop of blood splashed onto the formica tabletop in front of him. Dean grabbed some napkins and shoved them in his hand. When Sam didn't move, Dean swiped one under his nose, "Sam, hey, you okay?"

A rough laugh was his only response. The blood. He hadn't been strong enough to resist it. He had broken. After all that had happened, he had broken. And not just broken, he had shattered right along with the glass table-top as he taken the demon bitch down. Her blood had filled his mouth as it filled his soul, and he had been powerful again. He had been strong enough to protect his brother, and destroy Famine along the way. And yet, looking back, all he felt was weak.

"Sam, come on man – answer me." When Sam still didn't react, Dean began to wipe the blood off his chin. It was dry and crusty and wouldn't come off, so Dean grabbed a glass of water off the next table and used it to clean off the rest of the gore.

But now that that Sam's hunger was gone and his power had been spent, the thought of the blood - pooling in his mouth, running down his throat, flowing through his body - made him intensely nauseous. He had to get it out of him. And, as he saw Dean reaching towards him again, Sam stood and bolted out the door.

"Sam, No!" Dean's voice echoed in his ears – the same thing he'd yelled at Sam earlier, but he couldn't listen any more now than he could then.

"Sam!" Dean reached out to grab his brother, but the chair fell in his way, and Sam was already on the move.

Dean couldn't let him go – not now - not hopped up the way he was again. Dean raced after Sam, slamming the door open with enough force to rattle the hinges. "Cas! Move it - help me stop him."

And just as Dean made it around the corner of the building, he slammed to a halt. Sam was right there in front of him. One arm on the building, one on his leg, he was bent over retching and gagging – nose once again dripping blood.

Dropping a hand onto Sam's shoulder either for support or security, he wasn't sure yet, Dean held on to his brother as he vomited up the remains of his latest meal. Silence seemed the best course of action till he could see where his brother's head was at.

A couple of minutes passed before Sam was finally done. He spit one last time and pushed himself up again. Looking through his sweat-dampened bangs, he could see Cas standing at a discreet distance on the opposite side of him from Dean.

Dean watched as his brother looked around and tried to gauge what Sam was planning. Preparing himself for Sam's fight, flight or fall, Dean kept his arm on his brother as Sam started to move. But Sam only staggered a couple of feet away from the mess on the ground.

"Sam?" Dean stepped around to steady his brother, but Sam wouldn't have it. Instead he looked resignedly at the hand on his arm, and then away from him to where Cas was standing guard. Finally he turned to Dean, "You really don't have to, you know."

"What?" Dean kept his legs loose and ready to move.

Sam turned back toward him and swiped at his nose again. "You don't have to hold onto me, I'm not going to take off." His hand came back up to rub against the area between his eyes, but he noticed Dean's immediate adjustment in his stance, so he dropped his hand. "But I understand, I do."

Dean was wary, "What do you understand, Sam?"

Sam's voice came out resigned, defeated. "I'm not going to fight you, Dean. I'll do whatever you say. I'll just go away if you want." He looked up and then away, "Look, I know I screwed up – and I know … I know I let you down – again." He shook his head, "And, Dean, - I'd say I'm sorry, but … and I am … but…I ." His threw his hand out in frustration, "I just don't know what the hell to say. I can't make up for this – I can't make it better." His voice broke, "There just aren't words …"

He turned to Cas in his frustration, "Look, Cas, why don't you just do it already…" He gestured as if the angel should just get on with it. When he was met with the angel's stoic stare, his voice rose, "… What Anna was going to do. Just do it, and get it over with. I obviously can't be trusted. I certainly can't trust myself." He took that moment to wrestle his shoulder out of Dean's grasp, and yelled, "Just do it!" He dropped his chin to his chest, and his voice and belligerence dropped as well, "Believe me, Cas, you'd be doing me a favor."

Dean stepped back up to him and latched back onto his brother's arm, "That's not gonna happen, Sam!" He grabbed Sam's other arm and forced Sam to face him, "I don't know what to say here either, but I know you're sure as hell not committing angel suicide. Got that?"

Sam just studied the ground, and Dean watched his brother for a moment before dropping an arm to turn back toward the angel in question, "You still hungry, Cas?"

Castiel assessed himself for a moment. "No, the hunger is gone. I no longer wish to consume an abundance of dead meat."

Dean's deep voice pushed further, "Hungry at all, Cas. Anything?"

Castiel paused again before responding, "No, I have no such compulsions now."

Dean turned to look Sam in the eye. He grasped his brother's chin and raised it, "So, how about you Sam?" He saw bloodshot eyes, blown pupils, but still surrounded by a ring of hazel. Letting out a sigh, he added quietly, "Famine really did a number on you man, didn't he." He shook his head in irritation, "So, how're you doing? Wait,…" he added with his finger up, "Take a minute and really think about it, are you, Sam, are you still jonsing for it?"

Sam spun suddenly, only to empty more of his stomach onto the grass. Another minute passed while Dean watched his brother expel more of his insides, "No, Dean," he finally growled, "I don't … ," he wiped his mouth on his sleeve, "… I don't want it anymore."

But Dean held on and Sam wasn't sure if he wanted him to let go.

Dean studied his sibling, knowing he couldn't misread this – he couldn't risk it. "So, you're sure you don't want a hit?"

Sam straightened, "Look, Dean – I know I … I know what I did. And I know where I have to go now. And …," he shook his arm free, "and I know what I did is … is unforgiveable, but …"

Castiel spoke up, "Sam, what you did here, what happened to you, is not unforgiveable."

"Right," Sam gestured upward, "…cause we know how well this turned out last time." He shook his head, and then looked around, from Dean to Cass to the space in between. He didn't want more blood, but he didn't know if he could stay here after how badly he'd screwed up. How could he face Cas or Bobby – and especially Dean - Dean who had so recently finally accepted him back completely as his brother again.

Sam wanted so badly to believe the angel, but he was sure that the one person he needed forgiveness from would be the one that simply couldn't give it – especially not for a second time. This time … this time Sam had known how bad the blood was, what the repercussions were, and yet he had given in anyway. The anguish in Sam's face was palpable.

And Dean reacted, the only way he could. He stepped up to his tormented brother and pulled Sam close, wrapped his arms around his back, and held on – to the one person he knew he would always eventually forgive.

"Sammy, I know you tried. I know you didn't want it this time." He took a step back, grasped Sam's shoulders, and looked directly into his eyes, "This was different, Sam. You didn't lie to me or try to hide anything from me. You told me exactly what was happening to you, and we – neither of us, you or me, could stop it." He let go of one arm to gesture to the man standing off to the side of them, "Cas - one of God's freaking angels, couldn't resist Famine. You think he wanted to be eating day old maggot bait off the floor in there?"

"No, I did not." Castiel frankly informed them.

Dean looked briefly over at the understatement, but then focused back on his brother. "I'd be willing to bet that couple back in town didn't want to friggin' eat each other. How about those two with the gun? Ya' think they just figured, dinner, movie, murder-suicide? And I can say for damn sure I didn't want to get a hug from a naked Cupid – or a freaking Dr. Phil heart to heart with Famine either."

"He lied, Dean." Sam took a small step back, and his voice steadied – his eyes fixed on Dean's. "Demons, and apparently Horsemen, they lie."

It was Dean's turn to scoff, "And they tell the truth, Sammy. You know that, too."

"Maybe," Sam conceded, "But I would know, Dean. I would." Sam nodded pointedly at Dean, "Your 'heart' is still stronger than anyone I know. Despite all you've been through; despite Hell and all the shit that's happened over the past few years --- you - - you're the only thing I'm 100% sure of."

And damn if Sam's conviction didn't almost have Dean believing it himself.

tbc

It's been a while since I've posted anything, and at least I've enjoyed writing again. Please let me know what you think.