I am American, and I'm not even going to try to sound British in this since I know I'll fail, so be prepared if it sounds inherently American. Also, this is my first P&P fic. Feedback=appreciated!
Mass text intercepted at 03:28 pm
From: Charlotte Lucas
To: Georgiana Darcy, Jane Bennet, Charles Bingley, Richard Fitzwilliam, Anne de Bourgh
Meet me tomorrow after school in the parking lot near my car. Don't be late.
"We have a problem," are the first words out of Charlotte's mouth as the gang sans Elizabeth and Darcy amble into her car. Jane and Charles look confused.
"A problem," echoes Jane. "What problem?"
"Two words: Lizzie and Will."
Richard smirks. "That's three, Charlotte."
"Shut up, Richard, or I'll castrate you with a spoon. As I was saying: Lizzie and Will."
"What about them?" says Jane.
Georgiana smiles. "They refuse to acknowledge their feelings."
"Their feelings?"
"Their very passionate feelings," tacks on Richard, the remnants of a smirk beginning to form on his face. Jane still looks confused.
"Their feelings?"
Charles sighs. "Jane, darling, the only people who can't see that they really need to date are themselves. And maybe you, but that's okay."
"I thought they hate each other."
Charlotte smirks. "That's what they think, but they're confusing passionate love with passionate hate."
"Oh," says Jane, still sounding confused.
Georgiana steps in. "They're always watching each other. And arguing."
"Isn't arguing a bad thing? Charles and I never argued," she says.
"But Lizzie and Will do, because they both like to argue. It's like perverse flirting. And besides, they have nicknames for each other. Lizzie won't call Will anything other than his last name, and he won't call her anything but 'Elizabeth'," explains Richard. "According to them , it's to annoy the other person, but really, why would they care?"
"Will did. Lizzie told him that it was either 'Darcy' or 'Fitz'," says Georgiana. "But Lizzie probably would have been fine calling any other guy by whatever they wanted to be called. Except for Charles, but calling him 'Chuck' is her idea of a joke, since Charles looks nothing like a Chuck."
Jane looks thoughtful for a moment. "Now that I think about it, you're kind of right," she says to the group.
Charlotte and Richard wear identical grins on their faces. Charles smiles lovingly at her. Georgiana says, "I can personally testify that my brother is not the greatest when it comes to dealing with emotions. Or Lizzie."
"I second that," pipes in Anne. "He's only ever said anything to me about his feelings when we agreed that, as cousins, we would never end up together and that my mother was born a few centuries later than she should've been."
"So what do we do?" asks Charles. Charlotte smiles.
"We make them get together, of course."
Phase 1: Make a Plan
"So how are we going to do this, again?" asks Georgiana. "I don't think that they'd react well to us setting them up for a dinner date."
Richard snorts. "No, they wouldn't. Let's not set them up for a movie date, either."
"No coffee dates," adds in Anne. Charlotte looks a little miffed. Jane and Charles don't say anything, but that's probably because they're too busy making out in the corner to respond.
"Oi! Ken and Barbie! Let's keep it PG in here, alright?" says Charlotte. Richard snickers. The lovebirds break apart. Jane's face turns the shade of Bingley's hair.
"Guys. Seriously. What are we going to do?" asks Georgiana.
Charlotte thinks. "First, let's make a list of all the people who would not want us to do this. Not including the Dynamic Duo themselves."
"The Dynamic Duo? Seriously? Lizzie's obsessed with The Dark Knight," says Jane.
"Exactly." Charlotte smirks.
"Oh."
Charlotte rolls her eyes. "List, guys. Think: the list."
"Our mom. And Lydia," says Jane.
"My mother," says Anne.
"Billy Collins," offers up Charlotte.
"The Wick-hole," adds Georgiana. Richard smiles at her gently.
"Caroline," enunciated Charles. The others look surprised that he—kindhearted, non-confrontational Charles Bingley—is even participating in this particular discussion, much less volunteering his own sister up. He shrugs. "What? You know it's true. She's been stalking him for years!"
Richard pauses for a moment, trying to see if there's anyone else, before saying, "The majority of the female population in this town."
Georgiana snorts. "Unfortunately, yes. Even though his idea of kindly rejecting girls is to be cold and arrogant."
"Which is why Lizzie won't acknowledge that she's in loooooooove with him," sings Charlotte. "Now, the point of making this list is that we have to keep our plan from leaking out to all these people."
"And our plan is...?" asks Richard.
Charlotte thinks. "We could set them up on a blind date," she offers.
"Blackmail them."
"Get them to go to Prom together."
"Make them 'accidentally' meet somewhere."
"Go group shopping and ditch them."
"Shove them both into a closet and lock them up until they admit their feelings."
Pause.
"Actually, Anne, that's a good idea," says Charles. The group nods in consensus.
Charlotte grins. "All in favor of Plan Closet?"
The entire group says, "Aye!"
"Okay, so here's what we're gonna do..."
Phase 2: Pre-Make a Couple Name
"Larcy?" suggests Charles halfheartedly. "That doesn't sound right."
"No, it doesn't," agrees Anne. "Fitzlizabeth?"
Jane makes a face. "Too many 'iz's."
"Elizabilliam?" suggests Georgiana. Charlotte nods slowly.
"That might work."
"Darceabeth?" suggests Richard.
"That would work, too."
"Felizabeth?"
"Too feminine."
"Elarcy?"
"No."
"I like Elizabilliam. And Darceabeth," says Georgiana. Charles nods in agreement. Charlotte pulls a whiteboard out of nowhere.
"All in favor of Elizabilliam?"
Georgiana and Anne raise their hands.
"Darceabeth?"
Charlotte, Richard, Jane, and Charles raise their hands. Charlotte smiles and satisfaction.
"Darceabeth it is."
Phase 3: Execute the Plan
Texts intercepted at 01:23 pm
From: Charlotte Lucas
To: Lizzie Bennet
Lizzie! You're free this afternoon, right?
Well, I have homework...
Perfect! Me and Jane and Gigi are going to Richard's house to study. You in?
Richard's house. WTF? Why Richard?
He's studying with us, too. And Charles.
And...?
Charlotte? You there?
Charlotte?
Charlotte Lucas! Answer the fucking question!
Sorry, Forster is like the texting Nazi. Dude. You're lucky you're in lunch right now.
Who else is going?
Who said anyone else is going?
Charlotte. Seriously. This isn't enough people for you. I can smell it.
Fine. Will's coming.
Shit. Can I opt out?
ELIZABETH BENNET! You are coming or I will tell everyone about that one time in preschool, with the spoon...
I'M IN. Jeez, did you have to blackmail me?
Yes. And it's a good story...
Charlotte.
Okay! You're in, right?
I don't have much of a choice, do I?
Nope.
Fine.
Text intercepted at 01:44
From: Richard Fitzwilliam
To: Will Darcy
Will. We're going to study with your other dear cousin this afternoon. And Bingles.
You, me, Charles and Anne? WTF? Are you sure Anne wants to be by herself with us guys?
Well...Gigi's going, too. And Charlotte. And Jane.
Lemme guess: And Elizabeth.
Well...yes. Lizzie's going. But jeez, Will, relax. It's only a study session.
Richard. You're up to something. I can feel it.
Now that you mention it, will you help me figure out how to ask Charlotte to Prom? Thank God she dumped Collins...
I never mentioned Prom...
That's what I'm up to. I'm hoping that with the girls around, I can manage to get Lizzie and Jane and Anne and Gigi to help, too.
And what's Charlotte gonna do?
IDK. Just...come, please?
Do I have to?
Yes. Or I'll tell everyone about that one time in Kindergarten, with the toilet...
Shit. But do I really have to talk to Elizabeth?
Yes. I'll see you after school, Darce.
"Why are we waiting for Richard to text you?" complains Lizzie. "I mean, can't we just go?"
Charlotte rolls her eyes. "It's awkward if we arrive before him. So we're waiting."
Lizzie harrumphs, but thankfully, she buys it.
Finally, Charlotte's phone pings. Charlotte glances at the text and types back a response, then looks up. "Let's go," she says, hopping into her car.
"Finally," mutters Lizzie, jumping in. The others quickly follow suit, and they're off.
{Excerpt from recently mentioned texting}
Intercepted at 02:45 between Charlotte Lucas and Richard Fitzwilliam
How's it going so far?
No disasters yet.
Have you bugged the closet? And the right closet, right? It has to be the soundproof one.
Yes. You know, it's really quite lucky that I'm a tech genius...
Shut up. Does Will suspect anything? And you might wanna hurry up, because Lizzie's getting antsy.
No, he doesn't. And you can leave now, thank you very much.
Took you long enough...
They've been studying (and studiously ignoring the Lizzie/Will tension) for about half an hour before the plan goes into effect with Charlotte's cue: an awkward, prolonged coughing bout.
Jane gets up, putting a hand over her mouth as though she is about to be sick. "I think I'm gonna puke," she mumbles and rushes off so that Lizzie won't see the telltale blush on her cheeks. Inside the pristine walls of the bathroom, she begins to make retching noises, loud and clear for Lizzie to hear. Charlotte expertly hides a smile.
After a few minutes, Lizzie gets up. "I'm gonna go check on Jane," she says worriedly, and hurries off. Charlotte turns so that Will doesn't see her grin.
Meanwhile, Jane flushes the toilet and gets up right as Lizzie comes through the door. "Jane? Are you okay?"
Jane grimaces. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just PMS."
Lizzie studies her dubiously, but accepts it. "Okay, then let's head back."
As they're walking back, they pass The Closet. Jane stops. "Lizzie, Richard needed a sweatshirt from the closet. Can you grab it? I'm starting to feel sick again."
Lizzie nods and opens up the closet. It's small and there's a lonely sweatshirt discarded in the corner, but nothing else. She leans in to grab it. Her fingers brush the material, and then suddenly she's shoved in, the door closes, and there's the formidable sound of the lock clicking.
"Jane! What the hell? Let me out!" she yells.
There's a beat of silence, then she hears a muffled, "Sorry, Lizzie," from Jane outside the door, and nothing more.
Jane heads back to the bathroom and begins with the same noises as before, just as loud and twice as painful-sounding.
Back in the living room, Charles takes the cue. "Will, come with me and see if Jane's okay," he says.
Will doesn't really understand why three people would have to go see a sick person, but he's not heartless, and Jane sounds really sick. So he goes.
Abruptly, the retching stops. The toilet flushes, and Jane walks out of the bathroom, looking slightly off-balance and dizzy.
"Jane? Are you okay?" says Charles, immediately reaching over to steady her. They both turn, fighting smiles.
"I'm okay," she says. "I think I just ate something at lunch."
They pass The Closet. "Oh! Richard mentioned that he needed a sweatshirt from the closet! Will, could you go grab it? Richard mentioned that the closet might be locked, though..."
Will unlocks the closet and takes a step in. He only registers Lizzie's shocked face before he's shoved in, stumbling, and the door locks behind him.
Heard via computer streaming through recording devices in The Closet
"What the fuck? What are you doing in here?"
"You were here first, Elizabeth."
"Don't call me that, Darcy."
"Don't call me that, Eliza."
"Dear God, Caroline Bingley is rubbing off on you, Fitz."
"Shut up."
"Great comeback."
"Anyway, it looks like the gang decided it would be a good idea to lock us up in the same closet. Don't they know we hate each other?"
"Of course they do. That's probably why they locked us up, Darcy."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Darcy. Don't be stupid. They're clearly expecting something to happen in here."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. But it's a little odd that they'd lock us in here for no reason."
"That's true."
"You know as well as I do that they won't let us out of here until the desired outcome occurs, whatever that is."
"Science nerd much?"
"Asshole much?"
"Well, that's too bad."
"Why aren't they doing anything?" demands Charlotte. "It's been fifteen minutes!"
"Maybe they have something against each other, still?" suggests Charles.
Georgiana shakes her head. "No, they've already resolved the Jangley issue, and the Wickhole issue."
"Then they're just in denial," says Anne. "Not much we can do about that."
"They're so stupid!" laments Richard.
That's when the characteristically kind and nonviolent Jane says something uncharacteristic.
"Well," she says thoughtfully, "We only have to wait a few more hours before they get thirsty enough that they do something together just to get out. Or, if they're stubborn enough, a few days before they die of dehydration."
"I have a confession, Elizabeth."
"I feel like a therapist now. But go ahead."
"I don't really hate you."
"You don't?"
Pause.
"No, I don't. I never have, I guess."
"Oh."
"It's okay if you hate me."
"I just—I thought that you found me 'barely tolerable'."
"So you hate me."
"It's hard to like someone who considers you only tolerable."
Pause.
"From that party? The first time we met you before I actually began going to school?"
"Are you saying you said it more than once? You're not improving my shaky opinion of you..."
"No, just checking. Wow, I didn't mean for you to hear that."
Very masculine nervous laughter.
"Obviously."
"I didn't mean it."
"Don't say that just to say it."
"No, I mean it. I hadn't ever laid eyes on you before saying it. I pretended to look in the direction Charles was pointing so that he'd leave me alone to be my crabby self while he danced with your sister."
"Oh."
Pause.
"Darcy?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't really hate you, either."
"It's starting to happen!" hisses Charlotte in excitement.
"I know, right!" squeals Georgiana. Even Anne bounces up and down on the balls of her feet happily.
Richard snickers a bit. "They haven't even gotten together yet, Charlotte."
"But they're getting somewhere!"
"You've gotta admit, Richard, that this is an improvement," says Jane.
"They officially don't hate each other anymore," elaborates Charles.
"We only have to get through a few more revelations before we can stop being stalkers," says Georgiana.
Anne smirks. "That's one way to put it, Gigi. Or we can count it as civil service."
"Darcy?"
"What?"
"You know who isn't going to be happy when she finds out about us being locked in a small, dark space together?"
"Who?"
"Caroline Bingley."
"Dear God. Can we not talk about her, please?"
"She's not the only one."
"Oh, really." [Sarcastically].
"How about the female population of this town? Minus Jane. And Charlotte. And Anne. And Gigi."
"But not yourself?"
"In case you haven't forgotten, I'm the one stuck in the closet with you. Therefore, my opinion is biased."
"What is your opinion?"
"Maybe you'll find out later."
"Ah. Well, then. I doubt Collins and Wickham will be pleased about this, too."
"Wickham is...let's just say that I'm glad I listened to you and Gigi and Richard. And that I managed to blackmail Lydia into staying away from him. And Collins is...he's...something else. Ew."
"Caroline Bingley is like the two of them combined. No offense to Charles."
"That I can't argue with."
"I don't really care what she thinks, though. I mean, half the time I have to talk to her, I try to annoy her."
"Really? I try all the time."
"Elizabeth Bennet, I officially am beginning to enjoy being stuck here with you."
"You know, Darce, I kind of agree."
"They're enjoying it now!" says Georgiana.
"That fast? Really?" says Charles.
Charlotte tries not to smirk. "Now that they're complaining about your illustrious sister, yes."
Charles grins. "That always works. At least Caroline's helping the Darceabeth happen, for once."
"She's not going to be happy about this," says Richard.
"She's never happy about anything," says Charles, snorting. At everyone's puzzled expression—Charles Bingley, Nicest Boy Ever, talking smack about his (admittedly smack-worthy) sister? Is the world ending?—he shrugs. "What? It's true."
"Ohmigod! Guys! It might be happening!" And with Charlotte's cry, everyone rushes to the computer.
"You know how I said that you were only tolerable at the party?"
"Yeah?"
"I didn't mean it."
"You've already told me this, Fitz."
"I know. I just—you weren't tolerable."
Pause.
"Oh, shit, that came out wrong. What I mean was, you looked more than tolerable. A lot more."
Pause.
"Elizabeth?"
Pause.
"Please say something. Or I might go crazy."
Pause. Very feminine uneven breathing.
"Thank you."
"I'm sorry."
"You've already apologized for that, Darcy, and you're forgiven."
"No, I'm sorry that I'm an asshole, Lizzie."
"You're not."
"I have been."
Silence.
"Believe me, Will, you're more than tolerable. A lot more."
"She called him 'Will'! She called him 'Will'! And he called her 'Lizzie'!" screams Charlotte.
"He's beginning to acknowledge his feelings!" says Richard. Charles grins like an idiot.
"She is, too!" says Jane.
"Ahhhhh!" scream Anne and Georgiana. "They're playing 20 questions now!"
"15. What is your favorite movie, and why?"
"Inception. That was mindblowing."
"16. Why are you so cold to people you don't know?"
"Because I'm shy."
"You? Shy?"
"I don't feel comfortable with people I don't know."
"That actually explains a lot. But if you push everyone away, how will you get close to people?"
"Some people are too nice to be deterred much, like Charles."
Feminine laughter.
"That seems like something he'd do. 17. Does your first name have anything to do with Richard's last name?"
"They're the same; what do you think?" [Sarcastically]. "It's a Darcy family tradition to name the first son after the mother's maiden name."
"18. How long has Caroline Bingley been stalking you?"
"Forever. The torture never ends."
More feminine laughter.
"19. If you could punch anybody in the world, who would it be?"
"Wickham. Duh."
"20. Any women in your life? Or hopefuls, anyway."
"Yeah."
Pause.
"Really? Who?"
"That's twenty, Lizzie."
"C'mon, Will. It's not Caroline, is it?"
"No. It's you."
"Don't play with me, Darcy—"
"I'm serious."
Pause.
"Since...since when?" [whispered].
"Since...I don't even know. Since forever, I guess."
Pause.
"You're so...so you. You aren't afraid of standing up for what you believe in, and you don't care what people think of you, and arguing with you used to be the hightlight of my day. And you have the most beautiful eyes. You're beautiful. And I think I might love you."
Silence. A shuffling sound. The female voice's location is next to the male voice's.
"Will?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I might love you, too."
The closet door clicks and slowly opens, but to Charlotte's surprise, they don't come bounding out the door. They don't even look up. No, they're too busy making out in the corner to notice much at all.
"Am I interrupting something?" she asks archly. The lovebirds break apart and stare at her, disoriented, before it clicks in their befuddled minds.
"Charlotte! Why on earth did you guys decide to lock us in the closet?!" says Lizzie. Charlotte grins.
"Evidently, it all worked out, so why are you complaining? C'mon, we need to get back to studying."
Lizzie and Will amble after her, his arm around her. Charlotte tries her hardest not to grin triumphantly and leads them back to where the others are.
"Did you record the audio?" she asks Richard.
"Yup. Anyone want an extra copy?"
Charles raises his hand like he's in school. "I need one to show to my sister."
Richard nods.
"Wait, what audio? Did you guys—did you record what we said in the closet?" says Will.
Anne grins. "We listened in, too."
Lizzie groans, banging her head on Will's shoulder. "Why, guys? Why?"
"Because," says Georgiana expertly, "you two were like the Dynamic Duo in pre-Duo stage. You needed a little push in the right direction."
"If we're Batman and Robin," says Lizzie slowly, "then what are you?"
Richard grins. "We're the Avengers."
Epilogue
The recording begins.
"He—she—they—closet—!"
"Yes, Caroline?"
"They—!"
"Yes?"
"They're together?!"
"Yes! Isn't it exciting? I've been waiting for them to acknowledge their feelings forever. Thank God we managed to get them in the closet and record it, right? This is the best thing ever!"
"They—"
"I'm so happy for them! Aren't you, Caroline?"
Pause.
"Yes. Very happy."
Footsteps. The door opens, then shuts, and she's all by herself in the room again.
An enraged scream echoes throughout the room, and Charles lets it reverberate before stopping the recording, saving, and pressing Send to his fellow Avengers.
Yeah, I know. It was kind of cheesy. Also, I've never watched The Avengers. Is it any good?
Thanks for reading, and the review button is calling your name...