Disclaimer
All names, places and concepts related to
Buffy the Vampire Slayer are the property of Joss
Whedon. This applies to the entire work.
I have given a rating of PG due to a few swear words
and light adult themes.
Buffy always said there were casualties in war. I was hoping for the lesbian, Dawn always had it coming to her, and Andrew was a given. Who could have thought it would have been me?
I often thought my life was simple. Becoming a vengeance demon, a bout of smallpox here, an evisceration there, but then I realised it can all be a lot more complicated.
There is more to it then two bodies' smooshing together. Well, that's the practical bit, but from that comes life. There is something more in all that sweaty goodness. Mind you, you have to plan for babies or they just run roughshod over your entire existence.
Once my parents smooshed the called me Aud. Oh, I was a pretty young lass, attentive, loving, then I met D'hoffryn. I was with a big, dumb guy who cheated on me, so, well; I kinda turned him into a troll. D'hoffryn seemed to think I had a knack for it, and at least I shared his views of vengeance... All men deserved it.
So then I was named again, Anyanka, and the next thousand years went by in a big blur. I mean, I was kept busy with work wasn't I? What else was there?
D'hoffryn taught me never to go for the kill when you can go for the pain, and I put that to good use.
I saw war and famine, and death and decay, most of which I was causing, but the world was filled with many more wronged women who needed my help. I had seen the worker overthrow absolutism, and lead the proletariat to a victorious communist revolution, resulting in socio-economic paradise on Earth. I wasn't that interested. I didn't need anything else. Vengeance was what I was.
So there I was, feared by men and loved by my peers, till I stumbled into a quiet little town called Sunnydale. Who could have thought that little Miss Slayer would have brought me so much trouble.
For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across the mortal globe. I had all that till the Scoobies took it upon themselves to smash my amulet. Then I was stuck at Sunnydale High, mortal, child, and what's more, flunking math.
I was human again. It was the beginning of the end.
I had time to think now, what, through a snake, a robot, a god, a veiny lesbian and The First Evil... Wait, okay, scratch that last one.
So I was Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, moved to Sunnydale from South-Eastern Indiana where I was raised by both a mother and a father. I was twenty two years old, born on the forth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life people, cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter then I am now. Well, that's what I told the Watchers' Council anyway. They didn't sound very ex-demon compatible to me. A year and a half before that I could have just eviscerated them with my thoughts. Then I could barley hurt anyone's feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
There was however thirteen useful, key points I learned from being a human.
1. Lesbians don't play Shiver Me Timbers.
2. Post holiday clearance is the cornerstone of retail. The money heaped upon you can be used for many things such as clothes, jewellery, or the ordering of obscenely muscular male strippers. It also teaches the steps to the dance of capitalist superiority.
3. Never call your progeny Rupert or they will inevitably eat paste and have their lunch money stolen.
4. If your demon past is ever brought into question, always accuse a close at hand witch.
5. Don't have a June wedding as vengeance calls are always at their highest.
6. Most people are too nice. Nobody says what's on their mind... Well, excluding me. Spike seemed to like that point.
7. When in post non-wedding vengeance mode, always rely on these wish basics:
"I wish his penis would explode."
"I wish he had tentacles where his beady eyes should be."
"I wish his intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside his lousy gut." [NOTE: Not to be confused in metaphor]
"I wish he felt the pain of a thousand searing pokers boiling his heart in its juices."
"I wish my ex would cannibalise himself." [WARNING: Even I had a hard time watching that, I can tell you]
8. The terms that should be left out of wedding vows are:
"Anachronistic and Misogynistic."
"Sea Captain."
"Little Mangy Stray."
"Sex Poodle."
9. When you have slaughtered frat boys with a Grimslaw demon due to rusty vengeance practices, put off by the unfamiliar screams and spraying blood of the victims, simply answer with:
"I have a new boyfriend now. He lives here. We just had lots and lots of sex."
10. When faced with a troll it is your mission to piss off, be sure to project:
"You're hairy and unattractive and even woman trolls are put off by your various odours."
"Your menacing stance is merely alarming! And your roar is less then full throated."
11. To accomplish hot, sweaty, big sex with Xander just tell him about the wrinkled man on TV you saw talking about erectile dysfunction.
12. There were many humans stranger then me.
13. Rules are stupid.
They helped me out for a while sure, but none of them were any use on the last day. The lead up was exciting, with a deranged priest, our imminent deaths and the frequent smooshing.
The night before I was sitting at the kitchen table with a girl and Giles and Xander, and Andrew dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Now I think about it, he was kinda gay.
So basically my Elf had got slaughtered in the first five minutes of the game. He evidently wasn't as robust and well proportioned as the one in those movies. You know the one, with the burning ring and all those homosexual undertones.
Anyway, sleepiness ensued and to my disappointment I wasn't thrust into a world of wood Elves, but into a room I had stood in two years earlier. I was with Xander and Willow and I felt sad. It was weird because I never feel sad. And before I could stop myself words were spilling out.
"But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, or she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why. I wish Joyce didn't die... Because she was nice. And now we all hurt."
Maybe that should have been the cue to flee, like a troll being hit with fruits and various meats. But I didn't and when the sun came up it was on... The last day of my life.
When I woke up I didn't realise what it would be like. The girls were quiet and Willow was unusually vocal for a few hours. None of us had seen Kennedy. I was all for enthusiasm for killing the demons. Go deadness for the demons. But when Buffy moved us out the tension was on. I was smart enough to hide it behind low key hostility though.
I took Xander with me to assemble the cannon fodder. Don't worry though; I didn't call them that to their faces. What, am I insensitive?
The broad daylight didn't seem to stem my fears; I was slight with the Wiggins when we went into the school. Don't ask me how it happened but somehow I got stuck with Andrew, me and the dungeon master in the North hall. I was sure to defend it with his very life and I felt slightly comforted that Xander gave me permission to use Andrew as a human shield. I thanked him heartily only to be interrupted by Andrew with some spiel of an acceptance speech.
I let my mind wonder for thirty seconds or so, flashes of the kitchen floor brining a latent smile to my face. I had to stop him or he would have gone on forever. It was a distinct nobody cares but with a loving little monkey at the end.
We had all separated and I couldn't stand Andrew much longer. He was humming and smiling. Geeze, I just wanted to eviscerate him right there.
It wasn't long before he shut it though because the lesbian had obviously worked her magic. I knew because it felt rather pleasant. But then it just got worse. I could hear the sounds of girls dying. I wasn't too fussed except that that meant I might have to fight.
The sounds got closer and I was terrified. I didn't think. I mean, I just figured Andrew would be terrified and I would be sarcastic about it.
I froze. But with a prompt from Andrew I just pictured the thing I feared most and Imagined hacking up those demonic fluffy bodies and sniffily, pink noses. Ironically it was the last word I ever spoke.
"Bunnies! Floppy, hoppy... Bunnies."
I always wanted to go out in style. You know? Big flashing red lights, and, and, and, one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie. And there's a whole bunch of, of coloured wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second, no the red one, and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left.
I wanted a Big Bomb Clock, but did I get it? No! Did I get killed by a god, or a medieval mob, or a cataclysmic explosion that ended the universe? No, I got killed by a scary-faced, lackey Bringer and his stupid pointy knife. And the injustice of it all is that Willow lived... Stupid lesbian.
But death isn't bad, besides the unbearable pain and piercing cries of terror that ensue from being cut in half. It is better then Earth here, more space and less bunnies. I was just glad that I didn't end up in the dimension made of nothing but shrimp.
I got into heaven. Well, my interpretation of it. I guess all the years of vengeance were outweighed by the fact I slept with Xander on a regular basis. It seems the fates deemed that payback in full with change and a twenty percent tip.
The one thing I will say as I face my eternity of shopping and salty goodness is that as I died, as the cold steel cut through me and my last breath left me, leaking out like my tormented soul, I thought back to my dream and I realised something. I died how I lived, mortal and stupid, and through a thousand years I concluded... That was the way I wanted it to be.
That's it guys, just a quick one from me this time.
Hope you enjoyed.
It was a bit lighter then the last fic I did.
Let me know what you think.
§ - sonofgloin
All names, places and concepts related to
Buffy the Vampire Slayer are the property of Joss
Whedon. This applies to the entire work.
I have given a rating of PG due to a few swear words
and light adult themes.
Buffy always said there were casualties in war. I was hoping for the lesbian, Dawn always had it coming to her, and Andrew was a given. Who could have thought it would have been me?
I often thought my life was simple. Becoming a vengeance demon, a bout of smallpox here, an evisceration there, but then I realised it can all be a lot more complicated.
There is more to it then two bodies' smooshing together. Well, that's the practical bit, but from that comes life. There is something more in all that sweaty goodness. Mind you, you have to plan for babies or they just run roughshod over your entire existence.
Once my parents smooshed the called me Aud. Oh, I was a pretty young lass, attentive, loving, then I met D'hoffryn. I was with a big, dumb guy who cheated on me, so, well; I kinda turned him into a troll. D'hoffryn seemed to think I had a knack for it, and at least I shared his views of vengeance... All men deserved it.
So then I was named again, Anyanka, and the next thousand years went by in a big blur. I mean, I was kept busy with work wasn't I? What else was there?
D'hoffryn taught me never to go for the kill when you can go for the pain, and I put that to good use.
I saw war and famine, and death and decay, most of which I was causing, but the world was filled with many more wronged women who needed my help. I had seen the worker overthrow absolutism, and lead the proletariat to a victorious communist revolution, resulting in socio-economic paradise on Earth. I wasn't that interested. I didn't need anything else. Vengeance was what I was.
So there I was, feared by men and loved by my peers, till I stumbled into a quiet little town called Sunnydale. Who could have thought that little Miss Slayer would have brought me so much trouble.
For a thousand years I wielded the powers of the wish. I brought ruin to the heads of unfaithful men. I brought forth destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across the mortal globe. I had all that till the Scoobies took it upon themselves to smash my amulet. Then I was stuck at Sunnydale High, mortal, child, and what's more, flunking math.
I was human again. It was the beginning of the end.
I had time to think now, what, through a snake, a robot, a god, a veiny lesbian and The First Evil... Wait, okay, scratch that last one.
So I was Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins, moved to Sunnydale from South-Eastern Indiana where I was raised by both a mother and a father. I was twenty two years old, born on the forth of July, and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life people, cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger, and therefore smaller and shorter then I am now. Well, that's what I told the Watchers' Council anyway. They didn't sound very ex-demon compatible to me. A year and a half before that I could have just eviscerated them with my thoughts. Then I could barley hurt anyone's feelings. Things used to be so much simpler.
There was however thirteen useful, key points I learned from being a human.
1. Lesbians don't play Shiver Me Timbers.
2. Post holiday clearance is the cornerstone of retail. The money heaped upon you can be used for many things such as clothes, jewellery, or the ordering of obscenely muscular male strippers. It also teaches the steps to the dance of capitalist superiority.
3. Never call your progeny Rupert or they will inevitably eat paste and have their lunch money stolen.
4. If your demon past is ever brought into question, always accuse a close at hand witch.
5. Don't have a June wedding as vengeance calls are always at their highest.
6. Most people are too nice. Nobody says what's on their mind... Well, excluding me. Spike seemed to like that point.
7. When in post non-wedding vengeance mode, always rely on these wish basics:
"I wish his penis would explode."
"I wish he had tentacles where his beady eyes should be."
"I wish his intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside his lousy gut." [NOTE: Not to be confused in metaphor]
"I wish he felt the pain of a thousand searing pokers boiling his heart in its juices."
"I wish my ex would cannibalise himself." [WARNING: Even I had a hard time watching that, I can tell you]
8. The terms that should be left out of wedding vows are:
"Anachronistic and Misogynistic."
"Sea Captain."
"Little Mangy Stray."
"Sex Poodle."
9. When you have slaughtered frat boys with a Grimslaw demon due to rusty vengeance practices, put off by the unfamiliar screams and spraying blood of the victims, simply answer with:
"I have a new boyfriend now. He lives here. We just had lots and lots of sex."
10. When faced with a troll it is your mission to piss off, be sure to project:
"You're hairy and unattractive and even woman trolls are put off by your various odours."
"Your menacing stance is merely alarming! And your roar is less then full throated."
11. To accomplish hot, sweaty, big sex with Xander just tell him about the wrinkled man on TV you saw talking about erectile dysfunction.
12. There were many humans stranger then me.
13. Rules are stupid.
They helped me out for a while sure, but none of them were any use on the last day. The lead up was exciting, with a deranged priest, our imminent deaths and the frequent smooshing.
The night before I was sitting at the kitchen table with a girl and Giles and Xander, and Andrew dressed as Little Red Riding Hood. Now I think about it, he was kinda gay.
So basically my Elf had got slaughtered in the first five minutes of the game. He evidently wasn't as robust and well proportioned as the one in those movies. You know the one, with the burning ring and all those homosexual undertones.
Anyway, sleepiness ensued and to my disappointment I wasn't thrust into a world of wood Elves, but into a room I had stood in two years earlier. I was with Xander and Willow and I felt sad. It was weird because I never feel sad. And before I could stop myself words were spilling out.
"But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, or she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why. I wish Joyce didn't die... Because she was nice. And now we all hurt."
Maybe that should have been the cue to flee, like a troll being hit with fruits and various meats. But I didn't and when the sun came up it was on... The last day of my life.
When I woke up I didn't realise what it would be like. The girls were quiet and Willow was unusually vocal for a few hours. None of us had seen Kennedy. I was all for enthusiasm for killing the demons. Go deadness for the demons. But when Buffy moved us out the tension was on. I was smart enough to hide it behind low key hostility though.
I took Xander with me to assemble the cannon fodder. Don't worry though; I didn't call them that to their faces. What, am I insensitive?
The broad daylight didn't seem to stem my fears; I was slight with the Wiggins when we went into the school. Don't ask me how it happened but somehow I got stuck with Andrew, me and the dungeon master in the North hall. I was sure to defend it with his very life and I felt slightly comforted that Xander gave me permission to use Andrew as a human shield. I thanked him heartily only to be interrupted by Andrew with some spiel of an acceptance speech.
I let my mind wonder for thirty seconds or so, flashes of the kitchen floor brining a latent smile to my face. I had to stop him or he would have gone on forever. It was a distinct nobody cares but with a loving little monkey at the end.
We had all separated and I couldn't stand Andrew much longer. He was humming and smiling. Geeze, I just wanted to eviscerate him right there.
It wasn't long before he shut it though because the lesbian had obviously worked her magic. I knew because it felt rather pleasant. But then it just got worse. I could hear the sounds of girls dying. I wasn't too fussed except that that meant I might have to fight.
The sounds got closer and I was terrified. I didn't think. I mean, I just figured Andrew would be terrified and I would be sarcastic about it.
I froze. But with a prompt from Andrew I just pictured the thing I feared most and Imagined hacking up those demonic fluffy bodies and sniffily, pink noses. Ironically it was the last word I ever spoke.
"Bunnies! Floppy, hoppy... Bunnies."
I always wanted to go out in style. You know? Big flashing red lights, and, and, and, one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie. And there's a whole bunch of, of coloured wires, and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut, but I guess the green one, and then at the last second, no the red one, and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left.
I wanted a Big Bomb Clock, but did I get it? No! Did I get killed by a god, or a medieval mob, or a cataclysmic explosion that ended the universe? No, I got killed by a scary-faced, lackey Bringer and his stupid pointy knife. And the injustice of it all is that Willow lived... Stupid lesbian.
But death isn't bad, besides the unbearable pain and piercing cries of terror that ensue from being cut in half. It is better then Earth here, more space and less bunnies. I was just glad that I didn't end up in the dimension made of nothing but shrimp.
I got into heaven. Well, my interpretation of it. I guess all the years of vengeance were outweighed by the fact I slept with Xander on a regular basis. It seems the fates deemed that payback in full with change and a twenty percent tip.
The one thing I will say as I face my eternity of shopping and salty goodness is that as I died, as the cold steel cut through me and my last breath left me, leaking out like my tormented soul, I thought back to my dream and I realised something. I died how I lived, mortal and stupid, and through a thousand years I concluded... That was the way I wanted it to be.
That's it guys, just a quick one from me this time.
Hope you enjoyed.
It was a bit lighter then the last fic I did.
Let me know what you think.
§ - sonofgloin