THE KARAOKE SHORT THO

This is a complete and utter ripoff of the "What's New Pussycat?" post from tumblr. If you haven't watched it, you can find it here (with captions #blessed): [tumblr] post/126362001665/john-mulaney-the-salt-pepper-diner-since-this

"I wanted to tell you one story, uh, this is the story of the best meal I've ever had in my life, ok? It happened when I was some thousand years old in Beach City where I grew up with the other gems. I went to a place called the Fish Stew Pizza with my g-pal P-dot. We walk in to the diner one day and they had a jukebox there, ok? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in seven dollars and selected twenty-one plays of Donut Girl's jam 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?' And then we ordered and waited.

Here's the thing about when 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?' plays over and over and over and over and over again; the second time it plays, your immediate thought is not "Hey someone's playing 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?' again." It's "Hey, is this 'Party in the USA' or 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star'?" The third time it plays you're thinking "Maybe someone's playing 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?' again." The fourth time it plays, you're either thinking "Whoa, someone just played 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?' four times.". So the fifth time is the kicker, alright?

Now Peri and me, we're watching the entire pizzeria at this point alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what's going on and we're staring at this one guy and he's sitting in a booth with his kids noisily blogging around bout some mutant tuna and he's like, staring at his coffee cup like this *stares intensely and his hand starts shaking* - and he's been onto us since the beginning - and he's sitting there, and his hand is shaking and he had this look on his face like, oh like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management and he's staring like this *resumes intense staring* and the fourth song fades out, it's dead quiet, then - I don't know if you know this but the song begins very quietly; *guitar solo* "I can't help it if-" And he goes "GODDAMMIT!" and he pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic.

But a word about ma girl Peridot and what a genius she was, because when we first walked into the pizzeria, ok? And we first got there, and I'm punching in the 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?'s alright? I'd punched in like, seven at this point and Pear says to me "Hey Amethyst hey hey, before you code another 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?' into that primitive musical meep morp, let's drop in one 'Like a Star".

Oh yes, that is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?''s in a ro- it played seven; *singing* "4.2 light years away" and the sigh of relief swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France.

Ya know for years, human scientists have wondered; can you make grown humans weep tears of joy by playing ma man Krol's 'Like a Star'? And the answer is: Yes. You can. Provided that it is preceded by seven 'Haven't You Notice that I'm a Star?'s. It's true. And on the other hand, when we went back, holy smokes. 'Like a Star' fades out, it's dead quiet… *guitar solo* "I can't help it if-". It went insane, people went outta their minds, no-one could handle it, no-one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent twin that was just like *starts sweeping* "Yep, same crap as always." They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays and that was the best meal I've ever had."