Disclaimer: Saiyuki doesn't belong to me, but to Minekura and all parties associated. I don't get money for this at all. (As if anyone would pay for it...)
A/N: Yet another one shot piece of Goku angst, though not as strong as the others, methinks. And it's slightly longer--582 words.
I got the idea for this fic while listening to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I rarely listen to them but then I was just playing random stuff on winamp and they came on and I was only half-listening and I got an idea.
The second to last line is a quote from their song "Road Trippin'". I put it in italics cuz quotation marks just looked wrong.
And to anyone who doesn't know (though who doesn't?) saru is Japanese for monkey.
Smiles can light up a whole face. A true smile spreads from the lips to the cheeks to the eyes 'til your whole face is beaming radiantly, like the sun on a perfect summer day.
Your eyes say it all. It's your eyes that have to laugh, your eyes that have to cry.... Some people say your eyes are a mirror of your soul. I say they are a mirror of your emotions. You can't force expression into your eyes.
We all know this. Anyone who travels with Hakkai would. But I only truly realized it yesterday.
Gojyo said something to Hakkai, and suddenly Hakkai was smiling, his eyes were dancing... and then seconds later he fell back into his usual gloom and I could see as plain as day the misery on Gojyo's face.
That's when I realized just how right Sanzo is. Hakkai is an irritating smiler. He tries and tries so hard to pretend he's happy, he blocks himself from ever really feeling it. And the rare moments he does feel happy are wasted.
You'd think he wants to remain gloomy for the rest of his life, to wallow in his own pity party.
Not that Sanzo's any better.
At least Sanzo never pretends. He never tries to delude himself into thinking that he's happy. He accepts his emotions, which is why I have hopes that one day he'll find happiness. But Sanzo's lucky, because he has me. Because though I know he'll never accept me the way I want him to, I'll always love him. And because I can accept and live with this situation.
Gojyo can't. He needs love. He's had so little in his life that he could never love from a distance. He can't give and give and give and expect nothing in return.
Sanzo probably thinks I'm stupid for doing so. Maybe I am. Maybe I'll die lonely and cold and alone, but haven't I done that already? Five hundred years imprisoned in a small cave with no one to talk to. I suppose I can equal that to death.
Or maybe... Maybe one day the rejection I feel will all mount up, and I'll snap like a twig too long in the sun.
I don't care. I have to be happy for Sanzo. I have to show him I'll always be there, knowing that I'll never be thanked, or hugged... or loved.
I really am just a simple saru. Loving him is enough for me.
So everyday I smile for him when he glares. I laugh for him when he's sad. I live for him so that at least he can watch his reflection and know there is some joy in this world.
And I hope that one day the reflection will leak over and infect reality so that Sanzo will smile and laugh and live for himself.
This is how I know what a true smile is, because I need to produce it every day no matter how I feel. I must live another life until Sanzo will smile and take it from me, and only then will I allow myself to feel. I cannot do otherwise. A fake smile like Hakkai's would mean nothing to Sanzo.
For now, I will smile up at Sanzo while he takes and takes and takes from me, and think of the one thing I know that he doesn't:
These smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun.
…Sometimes I wish the sun wasn't so bright…