I do not own any Twilight characters. If I did, I would have Alice by me 27/7 telling me exactly what to do so that the future turns out
AN: I love Alice, and I love all things humorous, so I made a funny story about Alice. Enjoy!
Bella smiled at Edward as they looked down at their daughter, sleeping peacefully. Bella was about to put a blanket over her, when Alice came running in.
"Just in time!" she yelled, snatching the blanket from Bella. "If you did that, in a couple of hours she would get too hot. She would tell you she doesn't feel well, and you, being first-time parents will be sick with worry. You will call Carlisle at work, and while he is telling you that everything is just fine, he will hand Charlie the wrong pills. The pills will make him drowsy, but he wouldn't expect them to, so he will be driving home, and he will slowly inch off the road and end up in a ditch. And that blanket is a hideous shade of green."
Renesmee was hungry. Not thirsty, but hungry. She walked into the kitchen, kept full for hers and Jacob's benefit. She looked around the huge kitchen, her eyes landing on the fruit bowl. She reached for and apple, but at the last moment, her hand was swatted away by Alice.
"Sorry, Renesmee," Alice said, "But if you eat that apple, you will choke on an abnormally large seed. Jacob will get worried, and he will try to perform CPR. But he wont know CPR because he never learned properly, so he will break one of your ribs. You will be taken to the hospital, and while Carlisle is looking at your X-rays, one of his colleagues will see, and will be suspicious of your bones, as they are nearly indestructible, and of the fact that Jake was able to break one. You will both spend the rest of your lives in Area 51. Here, have a plum."
Emmett was thinking about pomegranates. He was wondering what the difference between a pomegranate and a Pomeranian was. He started toward the computer. Alice shoved the computer off the desk and it burst into flames.
"Alice!" Emmett screamed, "Now I will never know the difference between-"
"One is a fruit, and the other is a small dog," Alice said, "But theirs is going to be a thunderstorm soon. You would be on the computer, and you wouldn't be worried about the electricity. The computer would short circuit and burst into flames."
Emmett hugged her. "Wow, thanks for saving my computer!"
Rosalie walked in. "Why is Emmett's computer in flames?"
Jasper and Esme were playing Chess. Jasper moved his pawn. Esme reached for her knight, but Alice ran up and whispered something in her ear. Esme grinned and moved her pawn.
"Sorry Jazz," Alice said, "But if Esme had made that move, you would have one. Esme would have been sad, and she would have asked me what move she should have made, and I would tell her. Then she would demand a rematch, and she will make the move I told her to. But that would be a different game, with different moves, so she would have lost again, and asked me what move she should have made. It will become a never ending loop, and Esme would lose her mind. Carlisle would get mad at me for not preventing this, and I would lose all shopping privileges."
Carlisle was reading a book on a new medical theory. Alice suddenly ran in and grabbed his book from him. She tore out 27 random pages and ran back out, muttering something about crazed pomegranates. Or was it Pomeranians?