Only Love Will Guide You Home

A/N: Imagine if the 'Watershed' episode were split apart and in the middle was a separate story.

It is basically Canon up to when he angrily leaves her apartment. Make believe after that. The story will eventually come back to the last part of 'Watershed'. All mistakes are my own.

Disclaimer: Castle doesn't own my characters or storylines (only me) and I don't own theirs.

Thanks to: Kim, Deb and Bev for the medical advice. They are great people and if any of it is wrong… I'm sure they're sorry.

Also, thanks again to Detective Welsh of my local PD. She's a great sport. With the questions I have asked her and the scenarios I have proposed…it's a wonder the FBI isn't watching me. LOL or are they?

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Chapter 1: All that I'm Living For

I can feel the night beginning
Separate me from the living
Understanding me
After all I've seen
Piecing every thought together
Find the words to make me better
If I only knew how to pull myself apart

~ Evanescence

Kate Beckett stepped off the elevator and just stood for a moment, mentally bracing herself for another long night. Silence permeatedthe hallways for a change. After three weeks, she's learned to appreciate the quiet times. But the halls seem longer tonight...the shadows more pronounced.

Durable beige walls seem to echo with negative energy. The Trauma/ICU floor wasn't as busy as it usually was. Men and women in scrubs and lab coats worked and talked quietly among themselves at the nurse's station.

Kate sighed with relief at the sight of a friendly face.

Chloe Williams looked up as someone stopped in front of her desk. Her almond colored eyes contrasting beautifully with her dark brown skin and her plum colored scrubs. She offered an open, friendly smile when she recognized her visitor.

"Well, well…you're running a bit behind," she observed, arching one playful eyebrow at Kate. It was after ten p.m. Usually the exhausted homicide detective got to the hospital around eight. "I hope that means you finally got some real sleep in a real bed." She offered the younger woman a hopeful smile.

"Yeah….no…we were chasing down a lead on Castle's case all day." She attempted a smile for the nightshift nurse. They had bonded during this whole experience. "And before you ask, the answer is no. We didn't catch a break at all. Spent the whole damn day chasing our tails."

She couldn't contain a frustrated sigh. "How's he doing tonight?" She wasn't trying to be unfriendly, she was just anxious for some good news.

Chloe gathered Kate's hands up in her own. Something about this girl just tugged at her heartstrings.

That first night she came into the ER…she could tell Kate was struggling to keep it together. It was in her eyes. She was like an injured, wild animal. She was barely holding on to her thin veneer of control. And then on the second night…and how horrible that had been on top of everything else…Kate had been so pale and seemed so lost.

Well, she couldn't help it if she had become fond of the girl. Besides, she told herself with a shrug, a little mothering never hurt anyone, and Kate seemed like she could use some. Chloe could see that Kate was better now, but still struggling some nights.

"Oh honey, he's had a good day. You want me to give you the list?" She patted Kate's hands, her rich brown tones a perfect contrast to Kate's lighter skin. "Smile sweetie, it's good news," she assured her with a genuine warmth.

Kate allowed herself to relax for a minute. Closing her eyes, she took a breath. She opened them as she exhaled with a huff. She smiled a little more at Chloe, "Okay, let me hear it."

"No fever again today, his white blood cell count dropped quite a bit, his vitals have been steady all day…also they made good progress today weaning him from sedation." Her soft black curls bounced as she spoke. "And he is still out breathing the ventilator…fifth day in a row," she said with a smile.

"That is good news," Kate agreed, but her tone was flat. It wasn't the news they were waiting on.

"There was also some word from one of his Doctors, today." Chloe said in a singsong voice. She wanted to tease Kate, see her smile for a bit, but the poor girl suddenly looked so desperate for good news she didn't have the heart. "They're gonna wake him up and take him off the ventilator in the morning," she announced with a small flourish.

Kate leaned against the counter, resting on her elbows and grinned. YES! She drew in a shuddering breath… for a moment, it felt like the burdens she had been carrying got a little lighter as she exhaled.

"Oh, that's great news." Her eyes began to tear up but she soon got control of herself. Wiping at her eyes, she laughed softly, "That's the best news I've had in three weeks," she said, smiling widely at the nurse. She pushed herself off the counter intending to head to Rick's room…

Chloe leaned in to whisper so only Kate would hear, "Oh, his daughter's with him. You want me to let her know you're here or do you just want to go on in?"

"How is she tonight?" Kate asked, wondering if it was going to be another battle with Alexis. She hoped not, she was tired and just wanted to try to sleep for a couple of hours.

"About the same as last night," the nurse offered softly. "She's not saying much, she's pissed off and pouting.

Beckett sighed. "Just let her know I'm here, if you would please."

She walked over to the wall nearest the nurse's station and leaned against it, letting her head fall back in exhaustion. She closed her eyes and waited. A few minutes later she could hear Alexis's footsteps coming down the hallway, they stopped near her and she could feel the tension growing.

Would it be war or peace tonight, she wondered.

"You picked a hell of a night to be late."

War.

Alexis' temper and her ability to remain mad at Kate seemed to have no end.

"I have a HUGE test tomorrow morning. Thanks to you, I'll be so tired it'll be a shock if I even pass it."

'Oh shit! She forgot to…'

"I'm sorry, Alexis. I should have let you know that I was running late." She spoke softly, making sure to keep her tone neutral, calm.

"Not passing along important messages seems to be a thing with you lately. It's a good thing no one else is affected by your decisions! Oh, wait…They are!" Her voice was soft, but her electric blue eyes were glinting with emotions. Anger radiated from her.

All of it directed at Kate Beckett. Except Kate couldn't see it. And that just infuriated the young woman more.

"Everything always has to be about you, doesn't it? How about putting Dad first for once? God knows he's always putting you before everything else."

She took a few steps closer to Kate, her voice shaking with emotion. "He puts you before his family, his career…even his own life!" Alexis wielded the truth like weapons. "When is it going to be enough for you, Kate? When he's dead?"

She tried to maintain an outward calm, but inside her heart was breaking. She loved Alexis like she was her own. If not her own child, at least the younger sister she never had… and she hated how things were between them.

"Look, I get that you blame me for your world being turned upside down, but…"

"There are no buts!" Alexis jumped in. "Yes, my world has been turned upside down… I almost lost my dad, Kate…he's practically all I've got."

Kate turned to face Rick's fiery, redheaded daughter. "But your father is going to live, Alexis!...and all this anger is not good for you. You need to…"

"Don't you dare tell me what I NEED to do!" Alexis was still keeping her voice low, but that last one had some bite to it. "You are not my Mother."

That hurt more than Kate thought possible.

She blinked back the emotions that were trying to cross her face."You're right, I'm not. And I'm not trying to be." She sighed. "I just don't want you to end up making stupid mistakes like I did."

"Your concern is touching."

"You know what Alexis?" she said, throwing up her hands, "You wanna act like a kid on a tantrum, fine, go ahead. You're right, this is all my fault. I'm sorry. I couldn't protect him."

Alexis must have finally realized they had an audience, because she lowered her voice and spat out quietly, "You're damn right it is! And it wasn't couldn't,…Kate…no…it was didn't. I will never forgive you." Then she laughed…a short, angry sound, "I don't think anyone else will either."

Kate's day had been long, hot and unproductive. She was tired. She was bitchy. And she had had just about enough of Little Castle's mouth. But she didn't feel up for a fight tonight. As it was, they would be lucky if no one had called Security.

"If you're done blaming me for the night, you should probably try to get some sleep before your test. I'll text you if anything changes overnight." Kate said, taking a step back.

Alexis huffed in disgust, "Just have Grams let me know." She turned and walked away.

Kate waited until she heard her angry footfalls fade away, before she let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding.

Tears spilled onto her cheeks and dropped to the floor before she could hide them from Chloe's watchful eyes. She quickly swiped at them.

"Girl, why do you let her talk to you that way?" She handed Kate a tissue, a puzzled look on her face. "If her Grandmother heard her, she wouldn't stand for it. What's wrong with Mr. Castle is not your fault. You know that, right?"

"I know," she replied. She knew no such thing, but she nodded anyway.

She took the tissue and wiped her eyes as discreetly as she could. "I know…but she needs someone to blame and some time to wrap her mind around what's happening…and I'm a safe target. Please…don't say anything to his mother or anyone else…I will take care of this, but in my own way."

"Do they know?" Chloe asked, just as Kate blew her nose.

"Do they know what?" Kate froze, the tissue still hovering over her nose.

"Do they know about th…"

"Shhhh…no!" Kate sputtered, looking around to make sure they weren't being overheard. "No, they don't know. And it's going to stay that way."

"Sweetie, I just think they would feel differently if they knew…how much all of this has cost you, how affected you really are." Chloe gave Kate a pointed look, "Especially if they knew about…everything."

Normally, by this point in a conversation with her friends, Kate would let them know that they were nearing one of her personal boundaries and to back off… to quit pushing. But for some reason she couldn't find it in her to snap at the caring, older woman. Not that she looked old, but there was something maternal about her.

"It wouldn't change anything if they knew, Chloe. Just more for them to carry…and they have enough on their plates as it is."

"Oh, and you don't?"

"I'm trained to handle this, they're not," Kate argued.

"Baby, ain't nobody prepared for what you've had to go through." Chloe snapped at Kate.

She struck a pose that reminded her so much of Lanie, Kate almost laughed.

"I'm fine, Chloe. Trust me…its better this way …please?…You did promise," Beckett quietly reminded her friend.

"Katherine Beckett, the last thing you are is 'fine'. The trauma nurse wagged her finger at the stubborn cop. "And I'm beginning to wish I had never promised you I'd keep quiet. I'm just worried about you, is all."

Chloe reached out and patted the younger woman's hand, giving her a consoling squeeze before she let her go.

"Thanks," Kate smiled shyly at Chloe. "I, uh, I guess I'll see you in a couple of hours, then."

Beckett lifted her hand in a small wave. She smiled again and headed for Rick's room, trying to put the feud with Alexis out of her mind. She sighed, the good news they had been waiting on finally came today. She was smiling as she walked down the hall. He was waking up in the morning, starting a new phase in his recovery. Tomorrow and the next few days would reveal any lingering complications. For a moment, she allowed herself to believe that he would ever be able to recover completely.

All that I'm living for
All that I'm dying for
All that I can't ignore alone at night
All that I'm wanted for
Although I wanted more
Lock the last open door

my ghosts are gaining on me

~ Evanescense

She stopped in the sliding glass doorway of his room. It was so hard seeing him here…lying so still and lifeless. He was Richard Castle…Celebrity! Larger than life. Sometimes he was brash, sometimes sweet, but always so alive! His passion for life exuded from his pores and made life a little sweeter for everyone in his inner circle.

He should be up telling jokes or stories, or coming up with crackpot theories with a straight face just to see her roll her eyes…or messing with Javi and Kev…or posing for some ridiculous photo shoot with sexy bimbo's….anywhere…he should be in a hundred other places than here.

Because lying here, he was just Richard Rogers. Broken. Fragile. Human.

Kate walked farther in, placing her bag next to the reclining chair where Martha would sit and read to him during the day. Silently she stood over him for a moment. Tears filled her eyes as she moved as close to the hospital bed as she could. She leaned into him and gently kissed him hello.

"Hey babe… Sorry it took so long, but I finally made it back."

Both bones in his left forearm had been broken and he had a cast up to his elbow. But it wasn't attached to an IV, so she took his hand and held it for a moment.

"Did Alexis tell you the good news? You're getting up tomorrow…I can't wait…"

Her voice broke, but she continued…

"I've missed you so much, Rick. I just need to see you really alive…I need to see your beautiful blue eyes smiling at me, not just laying here with these machines attached to you. I need to hear your voice…I really miss your voice," she ended with a whisper.

She caressed his cheek softly with her other hand, letting her palm and fingertips follow the contours of his face while she spoke to him. He still looked beautiful to her, but his face seemed thinner.

"We caught a case tonight right before I was supposed to leave. So I just dropped by the scene…oh, Lanie says 'Hi'…anyway I got the basics, then I put the case notes in the system and came straight here." She wasn't going to tell him it was his case…she wasn't sure if he could hear or not so she wasn't taking a chance on upsetting him in any way. She made herself comfortable sitting on the edge of his bed.

She smoothed the hair near his forehead. She loved to twirl that little lock of hair, the one right next to where the part is. "I thought about you all day today," she whispered, leaning in close so that her face hovered over his.

She was unaware of how long she sat there, touching his face, exploring his features, memorizing every surface. Talking to him about her day, what was going on at the precinct…anything and nothing…until her own tears, landing on her hand, distracted her. She watched as another ran down his face, bouncing around the stubble on his cheek like a pinball.

His beard was growing in again. And although he looked rakish with five o'clock shadow, she didn't want it to get too long. "Looks like someone needs a shave," she told him with a smile.

Kate went to the sink area and turned on the hot water, letting it run so it could be warming up. She took out the deep healing lotion the nurses had given her and put it under the water's stream.

Adjusting the temperature so that when she was finished shaving him, the lotion would be warm and soothing, she grabbed the cordless razor. Even his shaving bag smelled like him. She smiled as she inhaled his fragrance. She missed him so much.

Keeping him groomed didn't take long, but it was something she enjoyed doing for him. It made her feel closer to him, even though he was unaware that she did it. When she was done, she couldn't resist rubbing her cheek against his, soaking up his nearness, enjoying the feel of his freshly shaved face against hers.

She returned the shaving kit, putting all his things in the blue canvas basket Martha had brought in to hold his toiletry items. After almost a month, a few little things had been brought in and his room didn't seem quite as sterile as it had.

She took the warmed lotion back over to the bed.

Gently she rubbed the healing balm over every inch of skin that she could expose. As she rubbed, she checked his wounds. The one on his forehead where the last bullet grazed him was going to leave a thin scar, nothing that should affect his vanity, she thought with a chuckle. The other gunshots were healing nicely…One on his right shoulder, the outside of his right thigh and a deep graze on his left hip. Carefully she ran her fingers and the ointment over the burn marks on his abdomen where the taser cables and stun gun had marred him.

The worst of the bruising and swelling had faded now, but the beatings had left him swollen and battered. The ugly, purplish green hues had turned into faint yellow splotches…all but healed.

He had some new scars to add to his collection, the new ones, where they had to remove his spleen, and a total of three on his abdomen. The long one curving around his left ribs still had some stitches, the other two, on his right side were already bright and healing. They would all eventually fade to thin silver lines…thanks to the talented and highly sought after plastic surgeon, who had come in to do the work as a favor to Martha.

It broke her heart every night seeing him like this, knowing it was her fault. Fresh tears fell as she remembered how he was those first few days. She had been scared so many times during the first two weeks. Kate was terrified that he would die and that their last words would be angry ones.

She felt so stupid…she had been afraid to talk to him about their future…for fear of losing him…and it had almost cost her that future. She was sure Rick would point out the irony…if he was still speaking to her when he woke up.

A flash of lightning drew her attention to the large window.

There were pictures sitting on the window ledge above the couch. The one of Rick and Kate was a candid shot Lanie took at his surprise birthday party…smiling into each other's eyes, their lips a hairs breadth apart. The love and happiness in that moment captured forever. Her eyes were drawn to them as she rubbed the warm lotion over his body.

There was one of Rick and Alexis…a professional pose of him perched on a stool and Alexis leaning over his shoulders. Her arms were wrapping her Dad up in a big hug. But her favorite was the one she took of him and the redheads one night at the loft.

She had caught the losers at Rick's desk, conspiring against her in laser tag. The three of them had their heads together, whispering and gesturing fervently. They were so busy plotting their three on one victory that they didn't see her until she already had her phone out and cleared her throat. The looks on their faces was priceless, a mixture of guilt, shock, fear and embarrassment. She clicked off several shots as good-natured teasing and insults were hurled about.

She remembers the moment with a soft smile…she didn't feel like a guest anymore after that night. They had all ganged up on her and she knew then that they loved and accepted her into their nucleus. She truly felt like part of the family.

Kate put the lotion away and made her way to the green reclining chair, and opened her backpack. She removed her PJ's from its depths and hung clothes for tomorrow in the little built in closet around the built in sofa, shaking some wrinkles out of them as she hung them. She would shower and change once a nurse got here. In the meantime, she would write. She reached for the journal on the bookshelf. Writing had become part of her nightly ritual.

They had all agreed that not knowing the details of what was happening while he was unconscious would drive him nuts when he woke up. And since they couldn't give him all that time back ,she thought they could capture it instead. As a writer, she reasoned, he would be glad to have a journal documenting his missing time. Martha and Alexis agreed and were happy to join in.

So she wrote to him about his condition, kept him apprised of any developments during the evenings, no matter how small. She added her information to the pages where Martha and Alexis wrote their parts.

On the days she had to go in to the precinct, she wrote about her day at work, told him about whoever had asked about him that day, or passed on any well wishes. Kate told him about the day's weather, people she saw if she went out, phone conversations…anything she could think of that happens in the course of the day…always trying to use enough adjectives so his writer's mind could create the imagery he needs.

She didn't write down that it was her fault. She didn't put on paper how sorry she was. How could that possibly translate?…so much emotion…she didn't know how to express it enough…'I'm sorry' just seems inadequate on paper.

She included a print out of the Visitors Report the officers guarding his room kept. She stapled the notes, charts and logs that she, Alexis and Martha kept throughout the day into the journal.

Finally, she pulled out her personal diary. She purchased it when she bought his journal. And although she wasn't sure at the time if she would actually use it, it had become somewhat therapeutic. Here she could write down all the things she could never work up the courage to say.

Kate put it all in the diary, all her feelings, every truth about herself, everything she wanted to tell him but froze when she actually tried to speak the words. She had always been better at Show than Tell.

He was a wordsmith…they came so easy for him, whether written or spoken…he always seems to know just what to say…she gets tongue tied just thinking about speaking about feelings, emotions, hopes and dreams. She's the type of person who needs time to collect her thoughts and make sure the words match her emotions. She needs to memorize what she wants to say…and practice her lines a few times. It's been so hard opening up to him….feeling like a klutz…tripping over her own words…not knowing how to even communicate her feelings and fears to the man she loves. This gave her an avenue for that. She had the time to organize her thoughts and write it all down.

If she could just hand him the diary and let him see.

She wasn't sure what she was going to do with it. She might keep writing, or she might give it to him one day so he could read what she couldn't say.

Then he would know how she feels. If she just had the courage to let him look…

If only she had been able to tell him sooner, none of this would have happened.

The sound of the door sliding opening brought her out of her reverie. She quickly closed the diary in her lap and stuffed it down inside the chair. It was too private.

"How are you doin', sweetie?" Chloe asked as she walked into the room.

"I'm tired tonight." Kate admitted with a sigh, briefly resting her head back in the recliner. "I think sleep sounds good right about now… I just need to shower first." She was so tired, she was almost tempted to skip it…but it was really hot today and she was sweaty and probably didn't smell too sweet, either.

Chloe put her hands on her hips and grinned down at Kate, "Well then you are in luck missy, because Mr. Rick was last on my rounds…as soon as I get him taken care of, I'm on break...and I'm plannin on sittin' my bones in that nice recliner…for ...say 15 or 20 minutes. It's not much, but why don't you go take a decent shower for once. Let it try to relax you some."

Kate nodded in agreement, "Let's get him rolled over and we'll manipulate his joints, then I'll grab that shower."

"No, not tonight…this is my job you know. I know you feel like you need to help…but tonight, why don't you just let me do this and you grab a shower."

"You are the best," Kate said with a huge smile. She stood and after a moment's hesitation, she gave the older woman a quick kiss on the cheek. Tears came to her eyes when Chloe wrapped her up in the most motherly hug she's had in a long, long time.

Chloe pulled away, wiping at a tear. "Look at us, cryin' like a couple of babies! …Now, get on in that shower and let me be."

Kate quickly gathered her things and headed for the bathroom down the hall.

Kate came back into the room about thirty minutes later feeling much more relaxed and cleaner than she had in awhile. Chloe smiled at her from the recliner as the door opened.

"Well now, I bet you feel a little better," she declared with a smile. She patted her knees, "Come sit in front of me, child."

Oddly, Kate found herself obeying…and was surprised when Chloe started brushing out her hair as if she was a little girl. She brushed and soothed with her soft voice and tender ministrations. By the time she had Kate's hair brushed out and pulled back in a loose sleeping braid it was all Kate could do to keep her eyes open.

Chloe tugged Kate to her feet and nudged her towards Rick's bed.

"He was agitated while you were in the shower…I personally think he knows when you leave the room. His stats start elevating some…not real high, just agitated." She chuckled at that.

Chloe had moved Rick over so that there was enough room for Kate. "So you crawl in beside him and get situated and I'll cover you both up. Then you'll see, his vitals will return to normal…damndest thing I've ever seen. I'll be back later for my rounds…but I'll try not to disturb you…tomorrow's gonna be a big day with him waking up. I can't wait to meet him."

Kate crawled in next to him, letting Chloe help her get adjusted so she wasn't on any tubes or leads. She fluffed her pillow and curled herself around Castle. She was asleep almost immediately.

The nurse stayed for a few moments watching as Mr. Castle's heart rate began to normalize and his breathing became deep and even. With a smile, Chloe patted Kate's shoulder and then slipped out of the room, drawing the curtain across the glass to give as much privacy to the couple as she could.

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A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Please take a minute to let me know what you think? Don't make me beg for reviews! Because I will…it's really kinda sad. Have a great day!