I know this song was originally about Vic's girlfriend and about cancer but I didn't know much about cancer and I thought depression fits too so here we go.
Trigger Warning: depression/suicide
A Match Into Water
"Beca?" A sixteen year old Chloe called out softly.
"Yeah, Chloe?" The brunette looked up at the redhead lying on her bed.
"Do you think I'm pretty?" Chloe sighed as she turned and lay on her back.
"You're beautiful, Chlo."
"Will you still think I'm beautiful if I had disproportionate facial features? Or if I was green, or-or if I had three eyes?" The brunette stifled a laugh. Chloe's mouth twisted into a small smile at the sight of that.
"You're beautiful all the time, you know that?" Beca smiled at the older girl. Chloe took a shaky breath and stood up, making her way towards the brunette sitting on the swiveling chair by the laptop.
"Can you promise me something, Becs?" Chloe's voice wavered but her eyes bore into Beca's. The small girl swallowed and nodded her head for confirmation. "Stay with me and conquer this world. There are too many things happening now and-" Chloe breathed in. "I know it's hard but-but please go through this with me?"
"Of course." Beca immediately agreed and linked her hands with Chloe's. Tears fell from the redhead's watery eyes and Beca's hand reached up the brush them away quickly. "Beca and Chloe against the world, eh?" The brunette grinned at Chloe. A soft chuckle burst from Chloe as she sniffled. Chloe pulled herself onto Beca's lap and Beca held onto her.
"We'll conquer this world. And I'll be with you till the end." Beca whispered and Chloe merely nodded and muttered a thank you.
I kissed the scars on her skin
I still think you're beautiful
And I don't ever wanna lose my best friend.
I screamed out, "God, you vulture (you vulture),
Bring her back or take me with her."
One year later
"Chloe?" Beca called out for the fifth time since she entered their shared apartment. The short girl peered through the kitchen and frowned. The apartment was unusually quiet, the redhead usually plays music through the day. Beca's heart pounded in her chest as adrenaline rushed through her. "Chloe?"
The door to their bedroom creaked open as Beca slowly pushed it. Her eyes widened at the sight that lay in front of her. The redhead lay lifeless on the floor, a huge gash on her left arm had crimson red blood covering it fully.
"Shit, Chloe!" Beca rushed forward and fell to her knees by Chloe's side, picking her head up and gently laying her on her lap. Tears gathered in her eyes as she struggled to breathe. "Chloe, wake up." Beca desperately choked out. Chloe's left arm was bloody with five letters etched deeply into it. Beca looked around for a note or anything at all but nothing caught her eye. Chloe's message was on her arm. 'Sorry' was carved in block letters on Chloe's arm.
Beca quickly dialed for an ambulance before dropping her phone and combing through Chloe's fiery red hair. Beca placed her hand right above Chloe's heart, trying in vain to feel the flutter of her heart. Beca was gone too long. She returned too late.
"Wake up please, it's not funny." The brunette whimpered helplessly as she vaguely hears the ambulance sirens wailing in the distance. The paramedics burst into a room with a stretcher but there was nothing more they could do. Chloe's lifeless body lay in Beca's embrace as she brunette held on tightly, refusing to let go of her lifeline. Her only hope in this fucking godforsaken world.
They somehow made it to the hospital, Beca didn't know how. All she knew was that her love was gone. Her life was gone. She stood, numb, beside Chloe's bed. No tears left her eyes. She was expressionless. The brunette leant down and pressed a kiss to Chloe's forehead, then her lips. Finally, Beca gently kissed Chloe's now cleaned up scar. The long vertical scar that ran down her right arm. The huge scar that covered the other smaller ones that littered Chloe's arms. Beca's voice wavered as she swallowed thickly before standing up.
"You're still beautiful." Was all Beca said before she pulled the sheet over Chloe's head. Reality hit her all over again as fresh tears fell from her eyes. Her small sobs became full on crying as she exited the room and bumped into Jesse and Aubrey. Aubrey had mascara tracks all over her face. Jesse pulled Beca into a hug, upon seeing her state. As Jesse tried to calm Beca down, Aubrey entered to say goodbye to her best friend.
Tear it down, break the barricade
I want to see what sound it makes
I hate this flavor with a passion and I fucking hate the aftertaste
The next few days were hell for Beca. The small girl still couldn't accept the fact that Chloe was gone. Everyday, she would enter their apartment after a tiring day of school and drop her bag by the island at the kitchen. She would call out for Chloe. For her love. And when she got no reply, the truth hit her right in the face and she would break down, curling up on their shared bed as she grasped tightly to the sheets that still had Chloe's scent lingering on it. Her face would be streaked with tears, her eyes rimmed red. Until either Jesse or Aubrey comes to check on her. It became a routine, really. Someone would come and made sure that Beca was fed. The brunette forced herself to go to school everyday.
Chloe would've wanted it. Chloe would've wanted Beca to continue.
But Beca wants Chloe back.
Beca knew Chloe was suffering. She knew the redhead would come home everyday and stare at her homework for forever, not knowing how to answer the questions on the piece of paper. She's seen Chloe's defeated eyes as she flipped the textbook over and over again. Some days when Chloe refuses to talk to anyone, including Beca, the brunette would feel a pang in her heart. When Chloe walks into the bathroom with her fists clenched and her eyes filled with tears, Beca knew she couldn't help anymore. The redhead would reappear in the room half an hour later, her arms crossed, hiding the angry red bloody lines that lined her forearms. Beca's breathing would become shallow as she turns around in bed and let Chloe in, pulling the taller girl in and rubbing soothing circles on her back. Chloe didn't hug back on these nights, but Beca didn't care. She needed to be here for Chloe. And she will be.
She still would be here, but Chloe wasn't.
Not anymore.
How does it feel? (How does it feel?)
How does it feel? Well it feels like I'm on fire!
Wake up, I know you can hear me.
Beca tried her best to go with her usual routine. Her school work and exams were keeping her busy, but once she relaxes, images of Chloe start flooding back into her mind. She would sometimes spend an endless number of hours by Chloe's grave, talking about her life and asking about Chloe's. She never gave up on trying to hear a reply from the redhead. But she never got one.
"Are you okay?"
Beca keeps hearing these three words.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
No, no she wasn't okay. Beca constantly feels empty. A gaping hole in her heart where Chloe should be. Her life was like a puzzle with a missing piece that was never coming back. Chloe was never coming back. Beca knew she should accept that fact but she couldn't let her go. Instead, she held on tighter. She refused to loosen her grip on Chloe.
Make me a promise here tonight, love like a tidal wave
Dreamless in early graves, I never want it to be this way
The chemicals will bring you home again
This is it, when it's done, we can say that,
When it's sudden death we fight back
(Oh, yeah)
Some nights when Beca's thoughts engulfed her, she thinks about suicide. She knows it's stupid and reckless, but she couldn't do this anymore. She could've helped Chloe, but she failed.
"Chloe have you eaten?" Beca walked into their apartment with bags of takeaway from a Chinese restaurant nearby. Chloe merely nodded as she stared back at the TV, her eyes glossed over. "Are you sure?" Beca asked again. The room was clean, the kitchen showed no signs of discarded food boxes or waste.
Beca sighed as she felt tears prickling her eyes. "Come on Chlo, let's eat." Beca sat down next to Chloe as she fed Chloe bit by bit, watching Chloe's face contort into a look of disgust as she struggled to force the food down her throat.
"They called me fat, Beca." Chloe whispered as she rejected Beca's outstretched chopstick.
"You're not fat, baby. Come on eat a little bit more." Beca urged as she squeezed Chloe's thigh. Chloe whimpered before standing up.
"I'm full, thanks." Chloe absent-mindedly pressed a kiss to Beca's cheek before turning to the bathroom and clicking the door lock. Beca could hear the gagging and liquid sloshing. She knew Chloe was forcing all the food out from her system. Tears fell from the brunette's red rimmed eyes as she dropped the boxes of food and took a deep breath.
The love of her life was suffering and she didn't know how to help, it's too late now.
Pretend like I don't entice you
I've seen you circling the sky above my head
You traitor
Beca would blame Chloe sometimes. When she felt like the world was against her. She had bad days often now, and when she did, she would walk outside in the cool crisp air of the night, looking into the stars. Somehow, she would find herself at Chloe's grave, sitting by her usual spot under the tree as she watched the shadows run around in the darkness.
You said we would do this together." Beca's tone was bitter. She faced Chloe's tombstone as hot angry tears fell from her eyes. "You said you won't leave me here." Beca accusingly pointed at the dark cloud drifting over her. "Why did you leave me here?" Beca screamed at the sky. A few minutes later, rain would fall. And Beca could swear Chloe was crying for her. She knew it was stupid to be angry at Chloe, but she couldn't help it. Chloe left her. Left her behind in this fucked up world.
Why did you leave me?
I will never be taken for granted again
Keep digging holes in the desert
Say a prayer for you
I know that you're in pain
But if we die at the same time does it still scare you?
Beca tried getting Chloe to a councilor but the redhead refused. And Beca knew better than to fight with her over this matter.
Chloe almost committed once, but Beca did come home in time. The redhead stood by the kitchen sink, a large knife in her hand. Beca arrived home just in time and rushed to her side, pulling her into a tight hug and searching for Chloe in those dark restless and listless eyes. Chloe eventually dropped the knife back into the sink as she clutched on to Beca for dear life, whispering apologies into Beca's ear. Chloe was scared, Beca knew. And she promised herself that she would protect the girl with all that she was worth.
Chloe got worse day after day, and Beca could only watch as her lover deteriorated. She tried helping, but there wasn't mush she could do when there were voices screaming in Chloe's head. A year later, Chloe tried again. And she succeeded this time, leaving Beca behind without even the smallest goodbye.
Beca was too used to goodbyes. She moved when she was seven, leaving her best and only friend behind. Her father left when she was ten. Her mother left when she was thirteen. But when Chloe left, she knew it was different this time. She wanted to leave too.
She's mine
You stay away from her
It's not her time.
'Cause, baby, I'm the one
Who haunts her dreams at night,
Until she's satisfied.
Beca blames god sometimes. She wasn't a religious person but she was constantly angry. She blames the world that forced Chloe away. She blames god for taking Chloe away. She blames Chloe for leaving her alone. But most of all, she blames herself for not being able to stop Chloe.
Eight months after Chloe left, Beca could feel herself detaching from the world. She was going to join Chloe again soon. She could be with her love again. She shouldn't be doing this. Her friends cared for her. But she was too far gone.
Make me a promise here tonight. Let's go!
Dreamless in early graves, I never want it to be this way
The chemicals will bring you home again
This is it, when it's done, we can say that,
Oh my God we're not gonna make it
Okay this was so goddamn depressing but hey I hope you guys enjoyed it.