Cursed

Author's Note: Nothing in this fanfic is outside of cannon. I didn't make anything up that's historical. What I did do was come to a logical conclusion and then pursue it as a plot bunny. I have no connection to the show and I don't own anything or make any money from writing this kind of thing. I make my money writing other stuff that bears no relation to this at all.

"He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came"

How to Save a Life, The Fray (2005)

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"Are you still in the mob?" Alexis asked him as he walked away from her trying to figure out a way to avoid the question. When he didn't answer right away, she turned to look at the tense lines of Julian's shoulders.

He sighed in defeat and leaned heavily against the back of the couch.

"Why? Your boss is dead. You could have left. I thought you did." She was calm - far too calm.

With another sigh, Julian admitted to Alexis the one thing he already knew was another lie.

"You thought wrong."

"It's because you lied to me. That's why. Because you lied and you told me that you had." Alexis's skills as a lawyer made her nearly impossible to argue with. She knew how to drive the knife into that tender part of his heart and twist it cruelly. Desperate to keep her in his life, Julian began to recite the defence he'd practiced over and over in his head.

"Please understand. I didn't have a choice." Julian moved to stand in front of Alexis.

"Really? So when you said you wanted to be a better man, and you wanted a better life, you were lying about that too? So, you just picked up the slack and filled the void left by your boss."

Julian looked away for a moment and forced himself to tell Alexis the biggest lie of all without flinching or giving anything away. He looked her straight in the eye and prayed he could pull this off.

"I can't be someone else. I am who I am." Julian watched as she hung her head in disappointment and hurt. It tore him up inside to do this to her. "I'm sorry I lied to you, but I'm still the same man you've always known. I'm still the same man that you fell in love with. Nothing's changed." Even as he said words he truly meant, Julian could see the bitter twist in her smile as she looked back up at him.

"Yes, it has. Yes, it has, and the fact that you can say something like that says to me that everything has changed!" Alexis' voice was weak at first, but it gained strength and purpose as she kept talking.

Julian reached out to cup her shoulders in his hands. "It doesn't change how we feel about each other, how you feel about me. You still want me. You still love me." Julian moved to hold her face in his hands and look her directly in the eyes. "I know you do."

He pulled her towards him even as he leaned in. Just before they would have kissed, Alexis pulled back and hesitated. She wanted to think and not feel. She was so predictable that way, and Julian knew that the only way he would be able to keep her in his life was to appeal to her emotions, not her reason. He put a little more pressure on the back of her neck and drew Alexis into a kiss.

The intensity that was always there when they touched flared to life. Julian pulled back slightly when he ended the kiss to drive his point home. "I know you want me. You know you want me."

Without giving her time to think, Julian pulled Alexis back into another kiss. As she responded, he groaned in pleasure and triumph. She wasn't pulling away from him, and she was responding to him. Julian called on an old ploy that had worked with Alexis before. He knew she couldn't resist him. He also knew that if he was a bit more dominant in their lovemaking that she was more overwhelmed by her emotions and less able to reason her way out of being with him.

It didn't take long before he had Alexis trapped between his body and the couch. She reached down to the hem of his t-shirt and tugged a little. Not wanting to give Alexis even a moment to reconsider, Julian pulled way long enough to pull the t-shirt over his head. He trailed his hands up her arms before he took her face in his hands and kissed her again. He felt a small sense of triumph when she reached for the buckle of his belt, undid it, and pulled the belt from his waist and quickly tossed it behind her, not caring where it landed.

He kept kissing Alexis even has he trailed his hands down the front of her body. A quick glance at her and gasped "yes" in response to his unspoken question, he grasped the sides of the open collar of her blouse and ripped it open, pushing it off of her shoulders. With her hands somewhat hampered by the blouse's sleeves, Julian kissed her again before attacking her neck – one of the most sensitive spots on her body. As she shed the remains of her blouse, he trailed kisses down her body until he was on his knees in front of her. With a light tug, he pulled her down to the floor with him and kissed her again.

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"I do love you. But, I am determined to keep my family safe. As long as you're in, I'm out." Alexis turned and walked out the door of his apartment.

Even slamming the door shut behind Alexis did nothing to stop the overwhelming pain that was swallowing him whole. He drew deep breaths into his lungs even as he clenched his fists at his sides. Nothing was working. Laughing bitterly to himself, Julian realized that nothing would work. Nothing would make the pain of Alexis' rejection go away. Nothing.

And that was the curse of the entire situation. All those years ago when they'd sat him down and explained what they wanted him to do, they'd said it wouldn't be difficult. He had no emotional attachments, they'd said. It made him perfect for the job. How wrong they'd been.

By the time they'd all realized his connections to Alexis, Sam, Danny, and Lucas it had been too late to pull out. Pulling out would have meant throwing 20 years of hard work down the drain. He was trapped. He couldn't waste all the years put into this, but he couldn't handle losing his newfound family either. He was caught soundly between a jagged rock and the hardest place he'd ever been.

It had all been so careful planned out from his arrival in Port Charles under the name Derek Wells to Sonny Corinthos getting his hands on that WBS file. It had been going so perfectly up until Sam had walked into his office wanting to put the story of Danny's Bone Marrow Donor Drive in the paper. He wasn't able to name what it was at the time, but he soon found out why Sam had been able to pull his heartstrings so easily with her story. He'd sensed a connection long before he'd pieced together who she was. He was stunned and yet unsurprised to discover that Sam was his daughter.

They hadn't been able to change that damnable character trait of his that made him so determined to protect his family at almost any cost. Once he'd figured out who the Davis clan were to him, it was over in some respects. He would throw away the plan in a heartbeat to protect his family. However, THEY had convinced him to carry on with the plan, claiming that it was the best way to protect his newfound family – the people that mattered to him more than anything else in the world now. THEY had been wrong, so horribly wrong.

He hated that he'd told Alexis only half-truths. She still thought the worst of him. Alexis was now convinced he never could or would change from that young man that had destroyed his own life in the 'business' all those years ago. True, the Cassadines had put her through hell already in her life. There was one huge difference this time around. She had someone who would love her and do anything to protect her – even kill to keep her safe.

She now thought he was calling the shots. If she knew the truth, she'd already be dead and there would be nothing he could do to stop it from happening.

Julian could only hope that when she found out the truth, she'd find her way back to him. Maybe she'd even forgive him for all the pain and terror he'd inadvertently brought into her life.

He turned to glance at his phone as it rang on the coffee table. Even without looking at it, Julian knew it was THEM calling. They'd want an update, and they were going to be very unhappy about him shooting Mickey Diamond. He shrugged. It wasn't as if the WSB wasn't used to cleaning up after their deep cover agents. They'd just have to get over their upset. At this point, Julian was pretty sure that the WBS owed him right now, not the other way around.

As he answered the phone, Julian had one final thought.

When it came to love in his life, he was cursed. Just plain cursed.