This fanfic is based on a "what-if" scenario after Angel episode I Will Remember You from season one; season four of Buffy. It's a crossover between the two shows and is based around Buffy finding out that she's pregnant. I wanted to say ahead of time, some things may not match up to perfection. I'm not perfect therefore my stories couldn't possibly be either. I try my best to write according to the shows storylines. I do understand that because time was rewound in that episode that technically after the fact, Angel really couldn't have gotten Buffy pregnant. Well folks, this is designed to be a site where our imaginations run wild and our love for these shows and characters are expressed freely so I intend to let my mind wonder. Feel free to leave review, I do try to write some more of my work every evening but life can get pretty busy so I may or may not be able to do it that often. As soon as I complete a chapter I will update it here on this site and hope that you all enjoy it! Also, I own only the characters that I myself have created and the rest was all that of the amazing Joss Whedon who I owe a lot of gratitude towards. So with all that said, happy reading!
I lay here again, sprawled out onto the cold hard bathroom floor with my face over the toilet. Though the floor tiles are as cold as ice I still can't manage to lift myself from them. I can't seem to stand. My face feels flush and my head seems to have its own heartbeat. Thump-thump, thump-thump. The constant drilling and pounding into my head. Endless nausea flushes through me as I try desperately to regain composure. Difficult as it was, I was able to do so. How easily I remember now how much I hate being sick.
"I mean it this time Buffy, you need to see a doctor." I could hear mom urge from down the hall.
As I opened the bathroom door heading towards my bedroom I could see her standing, arms crossed, in my doorway. She had that look on her face, that look that I think all moms get when you're doing something that makes them worry. They want what's best for you of course I understand. But, why does she have to do this when I'm sick?
"Mommmm," I groaned. "You know how I feel about hospitals." I squeezed by her and into my bedroom. I plopped myself down into my soft comfy bed and let my muscles rest for however long I had before I take off running for the toilet again.
"Buffy, I meant the family doctor." She said sternly as she turned to face my direction. She walked further into the room and sat at the foot of my bed and stroked my face.
"I have the flu, Mom. And you and I both know that Dr. Hannon would have me strapped into a hospital bed with an i.v. in a heartbeat if I saw her today." I pleaded, "Just give it a few days to pass and then if I don't feel better by then I promise to make an appointment." I looked into my mother's eyes for some sort of compromise, a flicker of hope.
She sighed. Aha I found it. "Deal. Now get some rest and I'll be in a few hours to check up on you." She smiled and swept my sweat-soaked hair from my face. I turned onto my side and closed my eyes to possibly get some rest. Not a chance. A sudden sickness came back over me and I was high-tailing it back to the toilet bowl. A few hours of running back and forth between the bathroom and my bedroom went by but it seemed like days. Finally I was able to lie in bed for a few minutes…and a few minutes turned into one hour….and then two…and three. When I finally woke it was dark outside. What time, I have no clue. I reached over to my end table and focused my eyes on the big red digital numbers on my alarm clock. 5:37am. Morning. It actually made me happier to know it was a new day. Another day closer to being healthy again. And yes, I am counting down the days.
I made my way downstairs to the kitchen where my mom was preparing breakfast of some sort. I propped myself up on a chair around the small island table as I watched my mother the chef.
"Are you feeling any better?"
"Not completely but yes, better." Just then my stomach grumbled and I smiled. "I'm even well enough to eat. That's a plus."
"Well you should try to eat a little something to keep your energy up. Here, try something light."Mom looked cautiously as she slid a plate toward me with some scrambled eggs and toast on it. Something about the way the food smelt had put me off a little and made me question if I was really ready to try eating again. I don't want a repeat of yesterday.
I gave her a reassuring smile and lifted my fork to my plate. I winced as I put the food into my mouth. I spaced my forkfuls evenly apart, careful not to overwhelm my empty stomach. Over the next fifteen minutes or so the rumbling in my stomach had dissipated and I had started to build confidence in keeping my food down today. Now that I've mastered eggs and toast I can move on to bacon…and ham…and oh my god I need a chocolate milkshake…with hot fudge sauce and…pickles! I need pickles…I wonder if we've got any in the fridge…
"Buffy," My mom's voice startled me in my thoughts, "are you alright?"
I stopped what I was doing and looked at her. Somehow, lost in my thoughts, I couldn't help myself. Here I am, sitting in front of the refrigerator, door wide open in front of me, eating. What was I eating? Hell if I know. I looked down in my hands. Salami? Pickles? Sour cream? I hate sour cream. What the hell am I doing? What is going on? My eyes widened as I stared speechlessly at my mother. She looked at me like I had rabies. Maybe I do have rabies…
"I-I don't know what got into me…" That was all I could say. I repackaged what I hadn't already eaten and ripped apart. I scurried to pull myself off the floor and get out of the kitchen as quickly as possible before I was given the third degree. As I made my way up the stairs to my room, Mom was on my tail. I ran into my room, quickest I've moved in days, and shut the door swiftly behind me. I jumped onto my bed and watched the door, awaiting the dreadful pounding and stampeding that I knew was coming. And that it did…
"Buffy," She started, "there's something that's going on and we need to talk about it." She didn't sit kindly at the end of my bed this time, oh no, she pulled my desk chair up right in front of me and glared dramatically at me until I had to say something to break the awkward silence.
"Mom, I'm not seeing Dr. Hannon. We had a deal." I said sternly. Her expression didn't change. What does she want from me?
"Buffy, are you having sex?" She blurted it out so quickly that I barely heard her. She was somewhat embarrassed to have to ask so abruptly. But that didn't keep her from continuing. "Well are you?"
"Uh, I-I…what does that have to do with anything?" Come on Buffy, change the subject. Do not tell her anything. You know nothing. Sex? What's sex? I can still play the sheltered child routine. I mean, it always worked when I was younger. Innocence is the key. Right? Ugh, what's the point? She'll know I'm lying. After all, she knows about Angel a few years back…but that was so different. He was my everything…he's…different. Parker, I sneered at the mere thought of him-the thought of his name…Parker was a mistake. How badly I just want to forget that never happened. I can't tell her about that. It would break her heart, she would never trust me. I couldn't have her look at me like that…the way I look at myself…it makes me sick. But that was months ago. Now everything's turning around. I've got Riley now. He's such an amazing guy. We haven't really been having sex a lot. It's not like lustful teenage romance. It's love. So it's different. It's all very complicated. And then I heard that word. The word I hadn't really expected to hear in this conversation…pregnant. I returned my attention to her as she continued to talk.
"Did that get your attention now, Buffy?" She asked angrily. "Are you doing drugs?"
I scoffed, almost laughing. "Mom, you don't have to worry. I'm not pregnant and I'm not doing drugs either. It's just not possible." I smiled easily at her. The creases she had stressfully set on her forehead eased up as she settled.
"Are you sure? Absolutely, one hundred percent?" She urged.
"Yes, Mom. One hundred percent. You can trust me."That last part's a lie. I can't even trust myself.
She reached over and grabbed a hold of my hand. She squeezed tightly and let it fall gently beside me as she got off the chair and placed it back at my desk. She walked briskly towards the doorway and turned ever so slightly before she left. "I do." Great. Just rub it in. The words were like swords in my chest. Trust, something very important to me. And here I am throwing it before me like it means nothing. I don't know. I've got to get out of this house for a while. I've been cooped up for days. I grabbed a jacket from my closet and skipped down the steps. Mom was on the couch with Dawn looking at a catalog of some sort. "Mom, I'm going to Giles'. I'll be back late so you don't have to wait up for me."
"Guess you were right, flu must be letting up finally." I don't know if I'm paranoid or if she's really to thrust these swords deeper into my chest. It's all ridiculous though, once I really think about it. I'm feeling guilty because I didn't tell my mother that I had sex. I'm an adult, I don't even live at home most of the time, and it's not like I'm really hurting anyone.
"Told you." I said as I flung the front door open and practically leaped out, accidently slamming it behind me as I left. The fresh cool air was revitalizing. It's actually a really nice day considering it's almost winter.
Giles' isn't too far from my house and it's a nice walk especially being trapped inside for a week. As I strolled into his apartment, he was at the door to greet me in a hurry.
"Buffy! How are you feeling?" He rushed me into a hug and I can't say it wasn't awkward. Not as awkward as my mother talking to me about sex but yeah, still awkward.
"I'm doing better. Stopped vomiting my guts up so that's good news all around." I chuckled.
"I'm glad. There have been a few cases of the flu going around the college and some of them are pretty bad. Hospitalizations and whatnot. I'm very glad that you're turning around."
"So say all Buff." Xander called from across the room. He was so quiet that I hadn't even noticed his presence. "You know, Will and I were going to go see you the other day but you know how it is. When there's vomit involved I tend to stay away. No offense, Buff."
"None taken." I pulled my coat off and tossed it over Xander's face. "There, even now." We all had a good laugh and right as I started to settle in I felt a wave of nausea come on. Ohhh no not here. Not now…just when I'm finally feeling a lot better… "Ohhh I'm not feeling so well…Giles could I have a glass of water?"
"Sure, sure." Giles jumped from a nearby chair into the kitchen area and fetched a cup from the cabinet. I could hear the water running and I tried to focus my attention on the sounds around me. Water. Television. Breathing, steady breaths. Inhale…exhale….inhale…
Giles handed me the glass and I took small sips from it. I swished it around in my mouth a few times before I swallowed it. It eased the nausea enough for me to regain my attention and focus it on the people around me. "That's better. It comes in waves."
"Are you sure you're not pushing yourself too hard? You could stay home and rest a few more days. We've got patrolling covered so just take as much time as you need."
"No, Giles, really it's alright." I insisted.
"You need to be one hundred percent. With Adam out there-"
"I know, Giles. I'm fine, honest. I can handle Adam." What's with everyone? What with everything being one hundred percent? Can anything even really be one hundred percent? "You know, I think sometimes everyone expects me to be better. She's the slayer so she can heal faster, run faster, do everything at peak performance. But you know what, I'm human. I get sick and I make stupid mistakes just like everyone else. I slip up but I give it my all. So, if you're looking for someone who's perfect…you're looking at the wrong girl." And with that I stormed out of the apartment.
"What just happened?" Xander asked, mouth wide open.
Giles paused for a moment. "She's under a lot of stress right now. Physically and mentally she's exhausted. She just needs some time."
"Yeah you're probably right. I just hope she's okay. Should I go after her?"
"No, no. She needs some time alone. Going up against Adam is going to take a lot of will and determination from all of us, but especially Buffy. She's trying to handle everything at once and it's not going to be easy for her. Just give her some space."
No one is even following me. Do I really want them too though? What do I want? I can't even figure that out. What's going on with me? I feel so out of control, so lost. I have all these emotions all at one time and I don't know what to do with them. I'm sick, I'm hungry, and I'm tired. It was then that it came to me. A twisted thought, true, but a thought nonetheless. What my mother had said earlier…pregnant. But it's not possible. I've never been irresponsible in that department. Always safe…always. Could something have…could it have…? No, no not possible. Just not possible. I scrambled through my thoughts as I passed by a drug store. My answer could be just beyond those doors. A test could prove it once and for all. Of course, it's genius. It's obviously just to ease my mind. I've got the flu. That's all. I moved through the automatic doors before me and into the well-lit store filled with isle after isle of items. I found the family planning isle and walked towards the tests. There are so many kinds…does it really matter? I mean, they're all going to tell me the same thing. I grabbed one randomly off the shelf and headed to the cashier.
I didn't feel like going home tonight. I'd call Mom later and tell her so she didn't worry. For some reason my dorm room was more appealing. Willow would probably be over Tara's tonight and I'd have the room to myself. When I got there, I immediately took the test from its box and went into the bathroom.
"Com'on." I muttered at the small stick as I awaited the results. I know what it's going to say of course but a part of me just needed to see it. I needed to see it. If my Mom hadn't mentioned it I wouldn't even be here right now. I wouldn't have thought twice. But, if she asked again, I could tell her straight out, no baby for me-no thanks—not—and there before me were the results. I flung open the bathroom door and grabbed the instructions-whipping through it to find what I was looking for…and there it was. Not what I was looking for in the least bit…a little pink plus…bright as day there it was. This can't be. Something isn't right here. Something is messed up with this stick. And then it hit me…I hadn't had my period yet. I ran over to my calendar."Today's the…oh god…I'm late." I froze. This wasn't happening. I pressed my back against the wall and let myself slide down to the floor where I stayed curled up. Time went by, hours even. I didn't move. Not until I heard the door open and Willow drifted casually into the room. She looked toward me and panic struck her face.
"Buffy! What's wrong?" She gasped as she ran to my side. Her face was inches from mine and it was then that I realized I was crying.
"Willow…" I choked out. "Willow, it's…" I picked the test up off the floor and handed it to her. She took a minute to understand and then she looked back up at me. She tried to hold back her fear from showing but I could see it.
"Buffy," She whispered as she leaned forward and rested my head on her shoulder. I cried there for a while. My whole life is falling apart before me. Everything…everything good in my life is gone. "It's going to be okay. Riley's a good guy-he'll stay by your side. And you've got me and Xander and Giles too. You don't have to go through this alone, do you understand? You're not alone Buffy." She sifted her hands through my hair as she spoke.
"It's Parker….it's Parker…" I cried. I waited for a response. Aside from my sobs, the room was quiet.
"But you and Riley…"
"Yes, but we've only been together-together for a month." I paused. "I haven't had my period for two months. I didn't think twice about it last month. My period was late but I got it…at least I thought I did. I was spotting…it all points to Parker. We were safe, I swear! We were safe…we were safe…."
"It's going to be okay, Buffy." She insisted. Her voice was shaky and I didn't know if she was telling me that to make me feel better or if it was really true. How could this happen? How could I be so stupid? I couldn't help but think back to that night. How he fooled me into thinking he was perfect…his eyes, his smile, he was such a gentleman. It was all an act. I spent so long getting over him, trying to make everything okay-back to the way it was before. Heal my heart again. And I finally did…I finally got myself back. And now it's all for nothing. I'm still being punished. I'm stuck with the everlasting memory of that night for the rest of my life. I can't do this….I just can't…