Haldir's Big Problem (ReVAMPED)
by Haldirsbaby
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: LOTR Trilogy
Timeline: After the ROTK
Characters: Haldir, Rumil, Orophin, Elrond, Arwen, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Elladan, Elrohir, Erestor, and others by name only.
Warning: Mild description of body parts toward end. No Romance pairings, mild mention of homosexual nature. Go to bathroom before reading...not responsible for peeing on oneself.
Spoiler: Haldir is not dead, but has a serious side effect from being injured.
Disclaimers: I do not own ME, LOTR, Or its characters, those are property of Tolkien and his estate. Only borrowed characters for a bit of fun. Only things I own, is the side story and its humor...No money is being made from this work of fiction.
summary: And it was thought only Dwarves snored loudly.
Note: This story is dedicated to My EX HUBBY, Nathan, who one night decided to Snore too loudly in my ear...The Muses Struck, and this story was born...Thanks.
At dinner...
The Last Homely House was now full of guests. The table was now full, for the dinner to welcome the three brothers of Lorien. Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin. In attendance to this dinner party was also: Arwen and her new Husband, Aragorn, Elladan, Elrohir, Gimli and Legolas. Gimli and Legolas traveled to Rivendell with Queen Arwen and King Aragorn on their way to the Shire to attend the wedding of Samwise and Rosie. Haldir and his brothers were sent on an important errand for Lady Galadriel, 'one of great importance' as the prior note said with no more reason offered. While enjoying the comforts of good food, wine, and fellowship, a debate or should I say, more of a 'gang up on the dwarf' type of discussion soon arose that everyone in attendance seemed to delve into at once.
Legolas, who was sitting next to his dwarf friend, Gimli, began making comments on the strange ways of the dwarves.
"I tell you, laddie, I do not snore,h Gimli said irritated at Legolas.
Everyone at the table stopped eating and stared at him with eyes that spoke loud and clear, 'yes, you do'. All at the table had been in or around his sleeping form and knew well enough that is it was true.
Legolas looked to his friend, giving him the eyes of one that knew better. gYes, you do, my short, stout friend. What is really bad, is it gets worse once you are filled with ale.h He looked to Haldir, gIs that not right, Haldir? You were there when he passed out in Rohan after our little 'Drinking Game'.h Haldir looked up, stayed silent and nodded in agreement. Legolas looked to Gimli again. gI could not get a wink of sleep that night.h
Gimli now knowing that he had no way to fight this but to hold his ground, slammed down his glass of fine wine and stare at his elf friend. gI do not snore!h he said insisting that it was not true.
Arwen, daintily wiped food from her lips, sat forward and sweetly tried to damper the argument in her usual sweet way. gGimli, mellon, I am sorry to say, you do. When you attended mine and Aragorn's wedding, we had received complaints from those sleeping near your chambers about your problem.h
Gimli looked down at his place sitting, embarrassed and humbly apologized, he had been spoken to the morning after Arwen arrived and was married about the very subject. gAye, I am sorry about that your majesty.h
Aragorn, never one to keep a fight going, took initiative and added his own insights on it. gI remember many a night on our journey, being afraid that the Orcs could hear you, and find us.h He said looking back upon the time during the beginning of their journey.
Rumil being one that loved to 'keep the fire going' piped up and spoke. gWhile the Fellowship was in Lorien, my brothers and I would visit the little camp to keep all of you company, our conversations were always interrupted by the constant noise coming from your mouth.h Orophin smiled remembering it all, while Haldir remained silent only nodding.
Gimli, now thoroughly embarrassed and knowing that he was not to win this, finally had enough of the constant reminders. He shot back an admission with great irritation. gAlright, I guess I do have a problem.h He rolled his eyes and continued, gWhat is this 'gang up on Gimli' day?h
Arwen smiled sweetly, knowing that her friend felt discomfort in it all, and reached out across the table taking her friend's hand in hers. gFret not, Gimli, we still love you.h He looked at her, his lips pursed together and nodded silently.
Orophin, who had remained silent, smiled and took in all said. Thinking to himself, 'If only they all knew the real reason were are here.' he looked to Elrond, who was taking in the spectacle trying to hold back a small chuckle behind his wine glass. He looked over at Haldir, who sat there, drinking his sweet wine and smiling in amusement. Orophin shook his head in disbelief. 'My brother thinks himself perfect. He has no idea the true reason of our visit.' Orophin thought to himself.
A few hours later...
After the ganging up on Gimli was done and dinner was finished. It was time to turn in for the night. But what no one knew was, what kind of night it would be. The sleeping arrangements were set and the entire house was now settled into their own slumbers. Including on individual who felt the whole house and part of the valley had to hear it.
The tranquil night was interrupted when a loud snore sounded that rattled paintings on the wall and the window panes all throughout the house. It was long, drawn out and woke everyone up in the house, except the culprit that it came from.
The first to arrive in the corridor were Aragorn and Arwen, who had heard the loud noise from clear on the opposite end of the house. Then Legolas, who ran from his rooms carrying both his battle knives, drawn and ready for battle, wearing only his britches. The twins ran down the halls from their chambers with their swords drawn. Elrond, who was still up and in his library, stepped out into the hall looking from one end to the other trying to locate the direction of the shattering snore, his brows furrowed in thought. He saw the gathering there, in the corridors and stepped out to find out what had happened. But he noticed that all was there except for the Lorien brothers and Gimli. Everyone stared at each other in wonderment on what had happened.
In was in that moment, another snore sounded, this time worse than the last. Shaking the house as an earthquake would. Paintings fell from the walls, books flew from the shelves, and drywall fell in bits and pieces all at the same time. It was so loud, that Gimli bolted from his rooms wielding his ax and letting out a loud battle cry. Everyone stared at him in complete shock. He soon realized what he had done and put down his ax. Rumil and Orophin soon emerged from their rooms, hair disheveled but wide awake, smiling and stifling giggles. What in Middle Earth was going on? All was here, except one, and he had yet to emerge from his chambers.
It was at this moment, another snore sounded. This time it was so loud, that the cats and dogs could be heard screeching and howling mournfully throughout all of Imladris.
Having had enough, Elrond burst into the room from which the terrible noise was coming from. Everyone that stood in the corridor, followed him and looked within the room, to find the Mighty Marchwarden of Lorien lying there sound asleep, having no clue that all had been awakened by the horrid noises that was coming from his lips. Seeing that Haldir had no inkling of what was going on, Elrond turned and shooed them all from the room. Orophin and Rumil standing in the back of the small crowd, tried to sneak back to their rooms, but were soon snatched up by Elrond, who turned them around to face him. Elrond gave them each the 'arched brow', a look he was famous for that could send a thousand daggers into their scared faces. Both knew the secret was now out and looked to the floor in shame.
A snore sounded this time that rattled and shook the house so bad, that it nearly knocked everyone off their feet. The servants who had somehow eluded being drawn from their rooms, came like a flood, running down the halls screaming, gThe house is falling! Run for your lives!h
Elrond seeing his house slowly falling apart, looked to the two brothers for explanation.
Of Explanations and Confessions...
Before long the entire Last Homely House had been emptied, with the exception of the one that caused the snoring ruckus, and the residents was now gathered outside, in their night clothes in the gardens. Orophin and Rumil stood there, their eyes cast down as Lord Elrond paced back and forth in front of them. They jumped slightly as the Elf Lord's voice boomed out. gSo, tell me.h he paused looking for the right words to say, gThe note from my mother-in-law said that she had a favor to ask of me. When you arrived, it was expressed that you wait until the following day after your arrival to tell me. Was this atrocious display in there the reason for your visit?h he asked arching his fine brow at them both.
Orophin, being the middle brother, the oldest of the two standing there, spoke up. gWell, my lord, she was at a loss of what to do.h he was quiet, knowing the anger the Lord could present when needed.
"About what? That?h he boomed out, pointing to the direction of the house.
"Yes. She wanted you to hear it for yourself, so you would know how to help him. The snores started right after he was injured at Helm's Deep and has been getting worse by the day.h He looked at the lord, his eyes filled with concern. gCan you help my brother?h he asked humbly.
Elrond seemed a little perturbed by the question. gHow am I supposed to help him? I know not the reasons why people snore.h he said pausing a moment. Then it hit him, the looked of worry. To himself more than anything, he whispered loudly, gShe must be paying me back.h
Rumil, the curious one of all those there, scratched his head and looked at the Elf Lord in confusion. gPaying you back? My lord?h he asked the confusion laced in his voice.
Arwen gasped, shocked at what her father had said asked, gAda, what did you do?h
Elrond, knowing his mistake in letting it slip, looked around embarrassed and shot back, gThis is not about me. This is about the Marchwarden of Lorien waking up my entire house and trying to tear it down with his monstrous snores!h
Elladan began to giggle, being a playful sort of person, who was now thoroughly intrigued by his father's nervousness encouraged his father to continue. gAdar, you might as well tell us what you did. You have already 'let the cat out of the bag'. I know, I for one, am thoroughly interested in what you done to my grandparents.h
Legolas, who was standing there, listening to all in the conversation, and growing tired and irritated looked to Lord Elrond. gMy Lord, please just tell us. We are all fully awake now and it is unlikely that any of us is going to get to sleep any time soon.h
Elrond hesitated a moment. The irritation of how this was turning out, soon decided that it would be a lesson for his son's about not playing pranks on people. "Alright! The last time I was in Lorien, I played a foolish trick on the Lord and Lady." He said leaving the door shut to any questions, hoping that none would follow.
Elrohir smiled and said in great disbelief, "Ada, you played a prank on my grandparents? At your age? Adar, not even Elladan and I do that for fear of their wrath. " he stopped a moment, looked around at the shocked faces of all there, "Who would have thought, my adar, a five thousand-year old elf would do that."
Elrond's head shot to his son, "Yes! At my age. Unknown to many, I do have a playful side. Besides, they deserved it." He looked at everyone one by one. Shock written on their faces and their tongues speechless.
But that speechlessness led to the looks that all wanted to know more. He knew had to spill the beans.
Rolling his eyes, he began to tell the tale. "Alright! If you must know. Last time I was there, I got a little angry at them for something they said to me out of harmlessness. So I thought on how to get them back for it. I snuck into their bedchambers and poured oil all over the floor." he stopped thinking that was enough to pacify them all, but when he looked at each of them, he realized they wanted more. "What?" he asked seeing both his sons looking at him as if they wanted to know details. This was so not going how he had planned.
Elladan cocked his head sideways giving his father the look to continue, "And?"
Elrond knew the look his son was giving him, it was the same one he had used for many times over when the two of them would get into trouble. He knew he was beat and had to continue. "I also poured honey all over them and released fire ants into their bed. When the ants went to biting, they shot up, slipped, and fell on their keesters." He looked at all of them, dreading what would come next.
For a moment, gasps sounded out, stares of disbelief and shock came, then it happened...the laughter. Everyone there began to burst their sides laughing at what he had done. It was not what he had done that had them laughing, but the fact that a Five thousand-year old elf still played silly tricks.
After the laughter ensued for far too long to his liking, Elrond, who was not amused in the least, changed the subject. His voiced boomed over the others, "Enough! Now about the Marchwarden, what are we going to do with him? We all need our rest!"
Ideas then came...
Everyone, including the servants starting spitting out ideas. Some suggest about taking him outside the gate and down further into the valley, others said why not put him out into the woods, and another suggested putting a sock in his mouth. None of those would work. Haldir's brothers said all those had been tried without success. Soon, from the most unlikely person, Gimli spoke up gruffly, "Put him in the barn."
"That is not a bad idea. At least we could get some sleep," Aragorn said yawning and shaking his head in agreement.
"How are we going to get him there without waking him?" Orophin chimed in.
"I know! We could move him and the bed!" Elrohir exclaimed.
Elrond thought a moment, the idea sounded good to him, he looked up and agreed, "Alright, I need every able-bodied male to help me move him.h They all made their way back to the house.
As they approached the house, the snoring they noticed was even louder. Entering the house, the snores stopped. Silence came, everyone looked at each other, wondering what had happened. Perhaps Haldir had awakened. Then something happened they did not expect. It started again, but this time gThe One Snore to Rule them ALLh came out. Long, drawn out, deep and so powerful, that the windows throughout the entire house exploded, the support beams cracked, drywall fell from the walls in huge chunks, the cats and dogs howled and screeched, the birds in the gardens and in the trees, took flight as fast as they could. Everyone standing with Lord Elrond began to grab hold of anything that was not shaking to keep their balance.
Elrond looked up and said hurriedly, "If we don't get him out of here now, WE will all be homeless!" Elladan, Elrohir, Orophin, Rumil, Legolas, Elrond and a few other male servants went to work picking the bed up and made their way to the barn. As they did, Haldir snored again, shaking the bed, nearly causing them to drop the bed and him on the ground.
Upon arriving at the barn, it was noticed that the ladies of the house had already removed the horses from their stalls and tied them to the nearest trees. This was a precaution for their safety. After setting the bed down in one of the stalls, a maid brought Haldir's boots and clothes and laid them on the end of his bed.
Erestor being silent through the whole ordeal, thought on what he could do to help Haldir and Lord Elrond with Haldir's problem. After a moment, the idea hit him and he made his way to his personal library to look in a certain book in his private collection. As he walked from the vicinity of the barn, Haldir snored again, and those in the barn seeing to his 'tucking in', came out running, screaming and the horses outside the barn, began bucking and neighing wildly. He shook his head, what he had in mind had to work. With a little study on it, and permission, it could all be solved by tomorrow night.
The next morning...
The next morning came early. The sun shone brightly upon the valley. The birds chirped merrily, the animals seemed to move about with great joy of the new day. A now rested Marchwarden began to stir as his slumber came to a close. He opened his eyes, wiped away the sleep, he stretched his arms and yawned. It took only a moment for him to realize that he was not where he was supposed to be. He sat up and found that a rooster now sat upon the end of his bed, pecking at his blanket, but stopped to stare at him. Looking around, knowing that the chicken there was not supposed to be there, his eyes scanned the room. Or should he actually say, the barn. He cursed out loud to himself, gNot again! How many more times will I wake up in places I am not supposed to be!h Then it hit him. It must be another one of those blasted pranks that Elrond's sons just loved to play on him. They do this every time he comes here. It was a joke to them just to make him irritated. gWill they not grow up?h he said through pursed lips. He swung the bed covers back, the rooster squawked and flew to the floor. Finding his clothes, putting them on, he decided he would act as though nothing was different. He would pay them back, he told himself.
He made his way to the Dining Hall, surely everyone was up waiting for him to arrive. He was right at least in part. They were up, but as for the waiting, he was stunned by what he found.
Everyone sat at their plates, but not one ounce of food was touched. Haldir looked around, confused by what he was seeing. Elrond sat at his usual spot, but had his head resting on the back of his chair, eyes closed and softly snoring. Elladan and Elrohir were on the other side of the table, near the wall, on the floor sound asleep. Elladan had one thumb in his mouth and an old tattered teddy bear in the other hand. Elrohir was not far from him, fetal position, a tattered old blanket with silk edges in his hand, his fingers, slowly caressing the silky part. Haldir's eyes slowly moved around the room, seeing this sight. Arwen and Aragorn were at the table. Arwen's head in Aragorn's lap sound asleep; Aragorn had his head on the table, snoring softly and drooling. Legolas had his chair away from the table, his booted feet propped up on the table and his arms dangling lazily at his sides, his head back against the chair his mouth open and his eyes closed. A loud snore came and Haldir looked to see Gimli on another table, cuddling a half empty bottle of ale. Orophin was leaned upon the table, near Elrond, his face in his hands and his elbows propping his head up. Now the sight that caught Haldir's attention, held it, and caused him to laugh out loud, was the position in which Rumil was sleeping. There he was, his youngest brother and the cleanest minded of the three, passed out with his face lying down in the plate of food in front of him. Haldir chuckled out loud to himself. His only thought, 'What in all Middle Earth, is going on here?'
Haldir did not hear him or see him approach but sensed his presence after a moment of looking on at the scene before him. Erestor's eyes were glued to the sleeping forms. Without looking at that Advisor, Haldir spoke. gWhat in all Middle Earth happened to all of them?h he asked with great interest and a hint of amusement.
Erestor shook his head, his expression passive as if nothing was out of sorts about the whole scene. In his usual smart mouthed way, he spoke, gOh, the 'sleeping ones' here in the Dining Hall, you mean?h he said looking up at the fair-haired captain. He looked back to the party at the table. gOh, them, it was nothing. A certain someone decided to keep all of Rivendell, including members of Elrond's house, up all night with HIS powerful mighty snores.h The dark ravened haired elf lord looked at him and smiled briefly then turned serious again. gQuite damaging in fact. I had to contact the builders to come so they could reinforce the support beams and replace all the windows throughout the entire house.
Haldir looked at him stunned, never realizing he was the problem. He looked to the dwarf sleeping and snoring soundly on the next table over. gI knew Gimli was loud, but that bad.h Haldir said clueless.
"Oh, but Marchwarden, it was not Gimli.h The Elf told him.
Haldir looked at him confused. gIf it was not him, then who was it?h he asked, the confusion clear.
Erestor looked at him, smiled, and spoke on simple word, gYOU.h Erestor watched Haldir's face for a reaction to the truth. Haldir looked at him shocked a moment.
Insulted and shocked by what the Chief Advisor had said, Haldir spoke defensively, gYou are jesting! You are mad, I DO NOT SNORE!h
"On the contrary, your brothers revealed last night the true meaning of your visit to Elrond and all the residents in the garden. Apparently, the Lady was at a loss on how to help you with your dilemma, so she sent you here thinking that Elrond could heal you.h Erestor said, looking over at Gimli who stirred a bit and grumbled in his sleep and then looked to Haldir. gIt is also clear, that is has been going on since you were injured at Helm's Deep.h
Haldir still could not believe it, nervously he laughed out, gCertainly, you exaggerate.h he stopped and thought a moment, then the realization hit him, gWait, I it is no wonder that I kept waking up in odd places in and outside the city.h
Erestor looked at Haldir, who he could see was a little distraught from the realization of what he had done. He decided to add a little comfort to the unhinged Marchwarden, gThat is not all they talked about in the garden last night. Apparently, our dear Lord Elrond thought that the Lady sent you here with your condition as 'Payback'.h He smiled dryly at the thought.
"Payback?h Haldir smiled lightly, and shook his head. gAh, yes, I know what it was he had done to the Lord and Lady while there on his last visit.h he admitted. He looked down at the Elf Lord, gSo tell me, Lord Erestor, why is it that you are not asleep like the rest of them?h He asked waving his head slightly, in the direction of the sleeping party at the tables and floor.
Erestor made no expression, his voice came clear and calm, gEar Plugs! I made them from the wax of my candle.h
Hearing the reply, Haldir nodded and shook his head, pursing his lips together. Seemed a logical thing to do, smart not to mention. gOh.h was all he said.
Erestor, began to walk from Haldir's side to wake Lord Elrond. He commented as he walked, gOh, worry not Haldir, I have an idea on how to help you. I was on my way here to wake Lord Elrond and tell him of it.h
As the raven haired Lord approached Elrond, Elrond spoke out softly, gNo, not my house! Haldir, stop!h
Hearing Elrond speak such a thing caused Haldir to stop his approach. He felt such guilt for what he done. Erestor hearing HIS Lord speak the words, seem to be amused. He reached out and gently shook Elrond's shoulder.
Elrond shook awake. His eyes still drowsy, he looked to his Advisor. gYes, Erestor, what is it?h his voice boomed out lightly as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.
"My Lord, I may have a solution on how to help you with Haldir.h he said sounding optimistic.
Elrond sat up, looking relieved. He looked to Haldir, his eyes showing all the irritation towards him, that he felt. He looked to Erestor. gAh, good.h he stood up, gCome with me to my study and we will discuss it.h he looked to Haldir, with an arched brow, gHaldir, I trust you slept well.h he commented annoyed.
Haldir bowed his head in shame. gAh, I did, MY Lord. I was just made aware of what happened last night. Please accept my apology.h Haldir said humbled and remorsefully.
Elrond shook his head and began to lead the two down the corridors to his study, once there Erestor began to explain about the spell that involved both magic and hypnosis. Elrond seemed skeptical as was Haldir, but both were desperate. Erestor said that the spell had been known to work on humans, but on elves, there could be a small risk of side effects.
But that did not deter Haldir and Elrond. In an instant both spoke in unison, gWhat kind of side effects?h
"Well it is written that the effects would vary, from making strange animal noises to sleepwalking to having bad dreams.h he answered looking down at the book he had pulled from his robes.
"I can handle small side effects, let us do it, so no one else will be put out by my snoring.h Haldir said throwing in the proverbial towel. He sat down in the chair behind him looking at both Elf Lords.
Erestor and Elrond looked over the spell one more time, then began reciting the chant. Now all they had to do was wait for the night to see what would happen.
One Problem solved, another arises...
After an anxious day of waiting to see what would happen, it was finally time for bed. Elrond and Erestor decided to wait up in Elrond's library to see what would happen. If anything.
All seemed quiet. Haldir had long went to bed. The house was all settled in for their slumber, harmony for a moment seemed paramount. But then a commotion came from the corridor. A strange loud, unearthly laugh, followed by loud banging on the door. Elrond and Erestor thought it was an old friend, Lord Glorfindel playing tricks on them after he claimed he was going to bed, but soon found it was not him.
The two Elf Lords opened the Library door and found the entire household awake and standing in the door of their chambers, staring down the hall stunned. Some of the females and some males looked thoroughly looked flustered. Arwen stood beside Aragorn, her mouth practically on the floor. Both Elladan and Elrohir was moving their heads in disbelief, their eyes moving from their crotches and then back up and down the hall again. Elrond cocked his head wondering what could have happened. Everyone soon moved back again their doors as if to get out of the way of something. The unearthly laugh happened again, and this time, both Elf lords were nearly thrown back into the Library in shock.
Haldir came down the hall wearing nothing but a cloak, laughing, waving his hands, his eyes wide and a grin that could not be described with words. He laughed out into the shocked faces of the two Lords and opened his cloak. After showing off his 'elf love muscle and berries' he ran off continuing down the hall and back into his chambers, the door slammed and all the people in the corridor stared at the Marchwarden's door shocked.
Elrond and Erestor looked at each other stunned. Erestor shook his head, gWell, back to the drawing board. I told you that one of the side effects was sleepwalking.h He told Elrond.
Elrond smiled broadly. IT was amusing, this turn of events. gYes, you did, but you did not mention about him becoming a 'Sleepwalking Flasher'!h he giggled, sounding just like a child and looking on the bright side of things, gBut at least his snoring has stopped.h
THE ENDFor NOW!
Soon to follow, Part Deux of the story in the series...Haldir's Big Problem: What the Hell Happened to me?
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