Rule Number I: Writers shouldn't stick their noses into characters' business
Hijikata Toshiro certainly had had better days. For example, he had days he did not open his eyes to another fucking fanfiction, for fuck's sake! He really had gotten tired of this. Every time some crazy fujoshi girl started to write, he would end up in weird situations with some certain stupid sugar addict. Wait that was the original Gintama and the one who was writing it wasn't a crazy fujoshi fangirl but it was an old man-gorilla! The difference between the writings of an old-man gorilla and a crazy fujoshi was the amount of this and that happening between Hijikata and that damn Yorozuya which was not something Hijikata was a fan of. "AT LEAST MAKE IT IN CHARACTER YOU STUPID WRITER! DAMN IT, I'LL KILL YOU!" he growled to the skies and caused a passing mother and child to give him weird looks. His growl also caused a poop to land on his face since he angered the holy and powerful fanfiction writer.
Cleaning his face with a napkin, he stopped at the most sacred place on earth which was nothing more than a restaurant that serve delicious Hijikata Special. Place smelt like paradise and old hag who was going to serve his food seemed like Buddha himself. While he was sitting on his usual spot, he got rid of all the unnecessary thoughts such as natural permed good for nothings and fanfictions, and started thinking about mayonnaise and how great it is, how much of a universal power it holds. When his bowl arrived he was making plans to take over the Bakufu with mayonnaise bombs and turn Edo into Mayo. "Thanks, Buddha." he said, without realizing he said Buddha instead of old hag. He was just about to start eating when something terrible, terrible happened. No, not now.
"Hijikata-san, Hijikata-san I have something to tell you." Sougo's voice echoed through the walls of the restaurant and then Hijikata heard a whisper. "Jump off a cliff and dieeeee."
"I'm not Hijikata, I'm his long lost twin brother, whazzup? Leave me alone you brat!" Ignoring Sougo, he started eating his Hijikata Special and he wondered what had he done to deserve this on his precious day off.
"I have another thing to tell you, Hijikata-san. Hang yourself and dieeeeee." whispered Sougo again. This was getting pretty annoying but when all things considered, restaurant was still standing and it wasn't shot by a bazooka.
"I'm not Hijikata, I'm his ghost. Drown yourself and die or I'll curse you for seven generations."
"Lose your dick and die."
"Losing my dick won't make me death."
"Have a heart attack."
"Have a brain."
"Run out of all the mayo in the world."
"OI TAKE THAT BACK!" yelled Hijikata and he face palmed, frustrated. "Don't you have better things to do? Go play with poisonous insects or something." All he wanted was some peace with his Hijikata Special and it was gone thanks to this brat. "Why are you here anyway?" he asked and continued eating.
Sougo seemed like he just remembered something he forgot and started talking in his usual calm voice. "I actually do have something to tell you. It's about Danna."
"Wha abot 'im?" Hijikata tried asking with a mouth full of Hijikata Special and a plain face.
"It seems he has disappeared without a trace. That china girl and glasses came to the station today and they were worried and stuff. I thought you would like to take over the case since you and Danna got along so well and I can go slack off."
In normal circumstances, Hijikata would tell Sougo that he was on his day off and to deal with this himself but there was an obvious truth that even a stubborn person like Hijikata couldn't deny and that was the fact that he owed the bastard. Also the thought of him being choked to death on his own vomit from drinking too much wasn't the best mental image either. Maybe he died of high sugar intake. Hijikata knew Gint-… that bastard was strong but maybe they got him drugged and he was getting raped right now. Maybe all three happened at the same time! While the urge to hurry up and find him taking over his body, he started running to the Shinsengumi quarters. Unfinished Hijikata Special was totally forgotten on the table.
When he finally arrived at the quarters after a while that seemed like a hundred years to Hijikata, he saw two extremely worried China and glasses sitting on the main entrance of the station. He lighted a cigarette and walked towards them carefully to not make them realize how worried he actually was.
"So when was the last time you brats saw him?" he asked calmly, not movie Dumbledore-like calmly but actually calmly.
"Toshiii!" China yelled getting up, apparently happy to see someone who could actually help her.
"Who are ya callin' Toshi?!"
"It was four days ago, Hijikata-san." said glasses. "He went on a job himself because our client asked for him to come alone claiming that it was a business that must remain secret therefore less people knew, better it would be."
"Do you know anything about this client?"
"Unfortunately we don't. Gin-san was the one who did the talking and he didn't tell anything to us."
"I tried finding him with Sadaharu but he brought me to a trash can-aru!" said China girl with tears beginning to form in her eyes.
"Don't make it sound like Gin-san is trash, Kagura-chan."
Knowing this China girl was so clever that she once put the plate she shouldn't break under her feet and step on it when they were playing with Yagyuu clan, Hijikata thought he should learn more about this trash can.
"Take me to this trash can."
Trash can was located in a little bit away from the Edo's center. It was standing in front of a group of regular houses and there wasn't anything that looked suspicious or out of the ordinary. Hijikata stopped the car when they saw the trash can and walked towards it.
"Do you think… do you think Gin-chan turned into a trash can-aru?" Kagura looked at the can and said "Gin-chaaan, can you hear me?"
Hijikata was about to roll his eyes but then he remembered he once turned into a screwdriver so he chose not to. He kicked the trash can and yelled "Yorozuya, did you finally decide to take your true form?" There was no answer from the can. Hijikata had given up on the trash and he went over to the nearest house to question the people who lived there to learn whether they have seen or heard anything out of the ordinary in the last four days. He knocked on the door but there was no answer. "Open up, it's Shinsengumi!"
"Toshi, it's Gin-chan! He is inside the house and he is fainted but he is breathing." yelled China girl, looking inside the house from a barred window. Her voice was extremely worried.
"Damn it, I'm breaking my way in." Hijikata said and he hit the door with all his might. This wasn't good. He needed to get in right now or it might be too late. Kagura ran towards him to help and both of them backed away from the door a little bit and then ran towards it again only to fall on their butts. "AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!" Both were overwhelmed by mixed feelings of fear and frustration but they continued hitting the door and hurting themselves until they heard Shinpachi's voice.
"Hijikata-san, Kagura-chan! There is a back door here!"
They were feeling like idiots when they were running the the back door but they didn't care in the slightest because both of them had only one thing in their mind. The door wasn't locked which was really strange considering how secure the front door was but this wasn't the time to worry about that. They easily got in the house. If Hijikata was a normal man who hadn't spent his life fighting with all kinds of things, this place would scare the shit out of him. The floor was covered in blood and there were all kinds of weapon everywhere but it seemed no one but Gintoki was there in the room. He was lying on the center of the room, covered in blood. Hijikata felt his stomach doing a back flip with fear. While he was running to him he was trying his best to keep his cool but he wasn't doing his best job. He kneeled down and put his hand under Gintoki's head and said "Yoroz-… Gintoki! Can you hear me? Gintoki!" Hijikata knew it would be easier for someone who is fainted or is shocked to come to their senses when they were called by their name therefore he shook Gintoki's head harder and he leaned into his ear and yelled "SAKATA GINTOKI!"
Gintoki opened his eyes slowly, coughed blood with a sad smile on his lips and then he said "THE HELL ARE YOU YELLING FOR, DAMN MAYORA?!" Hijikata, Kagura and Shinpachi were totally startled. Gintoki realized the position of Hijikata's hands and how close they stood then he grinned. "What is it, Hijikata-kun? Don't tell me you were about to kiss me! Gin-san will be very embarrassed if you start kissing him in front of the kids ya know."
Hijikata couldn't speak for a minute. When his brain finally perceived that Gintoki was somehow okay and he already started talking nonsense like the idiot he is, Hijikata was relieved so he immediately let go of him and said "Who would kiss your ugly face?! I would rather kiss a baboon's asshole instead of kissing you!"
"Oh so you like assholes? That's so gay."
"I don't like assholes, you asshole! I like assholes that are tight!"
…
Kagura and Shinpachi sent Hijikata reproachful glances for a few seconds and then Hijikata finally realized what he just said. "I mean… I DON'T LIKE ASSHOLES! I'LL KILL YOU!"
Gintoki looked scared for the first time since they got here and whispered "Don't yell, you idiot! She may come back."
"Who?" Shinpachi asked.
"Who do you think? The writer of this damn fanfiction!"
"The hell does the writer doing here? I thought she was in front of her laptop, going through hijigin tag on tumblr or something!"
"So the writer kidnapped you, Gin-chan? Don't worry, we'll save you-aru!" Kagura took the fighting stance with a determined look. She was ready to defend her precious Gin-chan no matter how strong this writer might be.
"Well first of all she didn't kidnap me. All she did was saying she was going to pay me if I stayed with her for a few days without telling anyone and I was like okay this is easy money but man, she is such a pain in the ass. I can't stand her! All she does all day is crying and hugging me and telling me that I didn't deserve any of these and it wasn't my fault. Apparently she reads the manga so she knows… things…"
Hijikata was a bit confused. "So she didn't hurt you?"
"Hurt me?" Gintoki laughed. "No way. See the blood on the floor? That's not even blood, it's fucking ketchup! And those weapons, they are fucking toys! She put them herself to make the readers think I was really kidnapped. So get out of here before she comes back and you ruin my job, you idiots!"
"Gin-chan, I baked you muffins~" An unfamiliar sing-song toned voice was heard and then a girl with pink hair entered into the room. Gintoki face palmed.