Haldir's Boredom

by Haldirsbaby

Rating: PG-13

Genre: General, Romance, Humor

Characters: Haldir/OFC, Erestor, mentioned -Orophin, Rumil, Legolas, Elrond, Galadriel and Celeborn.

Timeline: Modern times not book nor movie verse

Spoiler..Haldir is ALIVE!

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR or its characters. They belong to Tolkien. This story is for shits and giggles. I do not Know Peter Jackson, I highly respect his work. However the OC is mine.

Warning: AU...Sexual banter, implications. Some foul language, but not hardcore. Prepare to laugh, cry, and down right roll on the floor. Not responsible for soiling your drawers. Make sure a towel is placed neatly under your rear-end. Characters ARE OUT OF their own Character.

Summary: Haldir is bored and I am tired. Find out how he acts when I get home from work. HET.

NOTE:To TOLK fans and Flamers: This is my story and I am sticking to it...I understand you want more original but guess what..i am a fan fiction writer..I add my own flare. For those of you with open minds..Continue...its funny.

"Stop it, Haldir!" I screamed, slapping his hands away.

"No, lirimaer. I want to see what happens." he said as he began to pull my hair lightly.

"I am tired! Gods, been workin' all day, and don't feel like writing." I yelled at him.

Suddenly I feel a light tug on my hair followed by a hand full of moving fingers in my side. "Please." he begged. He is so cute when he does it, his voice coming out in a childlike whine.

I huffed out a breath, and began to feel agitated. "Haldir, please leave me alone." I whined out, as I begged.

"No! You are my woman, and I am your muse. I demand it. If you love me you will do it." he demanded.

I looked at him, the audacity of what he just said ran right through me his smug grin just made it worse. He was toying with me. "Haldir! How could you say such a thing? Of course I love you, but I am tired." I said standing from my chair, my feet, legs and back aching. "How could you?" I said placing my hands to my hips.

He smiled at me, then clapped lightly. He stood and came to stand in front of me. "There you are, my fiery little, love muffin!" he tried to touch me, but I backed away, appalled. The only time he ever taunted me like this is when he was feeling frisky. "I love it when you get all-" he stopped, his eyes flashed, "..defensive. Turns me on!" his cheeky grin so cute, so handsome.

My jaw dropped. "You mean, you were just playing me, to get me riled up so I would fight you!" I growled out in irritation. "Ooooh, Elves! Why I oughtta...!" I balled up my fist and shook it at him. Then eyed him, he looked so cute standing there, his cheeky grin, his crystal blue eyes shining brightly. I realized I could not stay mad at him. I sighed a deep breath, and looked to the ceiling then back at him. "Damn! I cannot stay mad at you at all." I told him honestly, my tone greatly lightened.

He smiled sweetly, then winked at me. "I love it when you get like this." he commented again.

"But, Haldir, why go to such an extreme? I am hurting, tired, sleepy, not to mention, there are parts of me that aches, I did not even know existed." I said to him as I took my seat at the computer.

"Cause, my sweet little flower, I know, that you know, that you need me. You say you hurt, then strip! I shall rub my big, warm callused hands all over you to soothe your aches." he wiggled his brows at me, and smiled. He lowered his voice, and spoke, his voice sent chills up and down my spine. "Or...we..could...get in the tub...and...you know." he said smoothing up behind me, placing his hands on my neck, lightly massaging the sore muscles there.

I breathed out a relaxed sigh, "Ah, that feels good." I relaxed a bit more, reveling in the feel of his fingers working his magic, I smiled to myself. "If you think this delicious neck rub will change my mind. Think again. I know what you are trying to do."

The fingers stopped moving, Haldir whined out a little. "Man! What do I have to do to get some action around here? Arlothiyenne needs that fight!" he said highly irritated.

I turned and stared him down, my brows cocked staring at him, my mouth pursed tightly closed. I felt my irritation with him, I must have looked a fright. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head seeing my expression. He laughed nervously. "Are you sure you are not kin to Elrond? Cause just now, you looked just like him with your brows cocked like that." he shivered. "Scary."

I smiled deviously, "Thank...you" I emphasized the words. "I take that as a compliment. I love Elrond, he is like the daddy to all of Middle Earth." I told him turning back and looking at my computer screen. As I typed in a message, silent between the two of us ensued...for a while.

Just when I thought things were going to get quieter, and relaxed, he started his junk again.

At first it was subtle, first it was deep sighs let out like he was bored. Then it went to humming, ' I'm Henry the eighth I am', which was getting on my nerves. I turned to him and stared him down, he got the point quickly on that one. He stopped and mouthed 'I'm sorry'.

Then Just as the silence was getting comfortable, he suddenly, in a burst of energy, hollered out, "Bingo!" his sudden burst of energy caused me to nearly pop out my skin, my keyboard went flying, the mouse fell from the pad, not to mention I nearly fell from my chair. I looked at him, and he was sitting on my bed, with no shirt, only leggings, his long fair blond hair hung loose, every taunt muscle displayed for my enjoyment, he was looking at and reading one of my romance novels. I furrowed my brows in confusion. "What on Earth was that about?" I asked, kind of curious.

"Oh, nothing" he said shortly, then pointed to the page, " The sex scene. Damn! This guy is good. Care to try what he did out?" he asked wiggling his brows at me, smiling cheekily, as he seductively rubbed the mattress beside him. I shook my head, rolled my eyes.

I stared at him. On any given night, when I was not tired, I would gladly take him up on that, but tonight I just wanted to relax. "Haldir. Will you please go do something else. Find Phin and Ru..or Leggy even..just leave me be." I begged him sweetly.

"Can't Sorry, my love. Phin and Ru are at some party with Leggy. Won't be back until later." he stopped, laid on his left side and looked at me. "Besides, I want to spend time with you."

Oh that did it! The sweetest thing he could ever say, but that did not help matters for him. I grabbed up my keyboard and mouse, laid them on the desk. "Haldir, as sweet as that sounds, and as much as I love you, your efforts are fruitless, now go bug the Lady." I told him.

"Can't do that either. Its hers and Celeborn's anniversary. They are doing who only knows what right now." he said sitting up on the side of the bed.

"Find Erestor or Glorfindel and play a game. How about Yahtzee? You like that game." I reasoned with him.

He smiled. "Sounds good, can we play in here?" He asked.

"Yes. But quietly as possible. I can handle the sound of the game cup rattling." feeling good that we made a compromise.

Fifteen minutes later. Erestor walked in the room with the game. I sat there watching these two beautiful elves sitting up the game. Few more minutes passed and I settled in to hearing the game, and having some peace.

Halfway through their game. Erestor yelled out. Now most think he is smart, and he is, but there is a secret about him no one knows about. He is dingy..you know blond joke type of dingy. (No offense to blond readers or elves for that matter.) he is utterly stupid in some things. Ever heard of Book smarts but no street smarts? Well that is Erestor all book knowledge, but no actual experience in other things. Like for instance, one knows never to sit below a low-lying shelf, especially when you are nearly six feet three. "Yahtzee!" BANG! Then a loud thud. He had jumped up and cracked his head on the shelf above his head. "Ouchy!" he said rubbing his head.

I laughed out when it happened, Haldir looked at me shooting a scowl at me, then to the esteemed counselor. "You alright, mellon?" Haldir asked concerned for his friend.

"Yes..let us continue..I think it is my turn again." he said picking up the cup, the dice and began rolling again. I watched a moment. He let the dice roll...another Yahtzee. I winced again as he jumped up.

BANG! Then the thud again. I giggled and Haldir began to fight the urge to laugh out. The whole thing seemed so familiar, you know the scene from that movie that makes fun of other scary movies especially when the theme was from M. Night Shamaylan's Signs. Well anyhoo...

"You know, maybe this game is not a good idea. Erestor...to the Closet!...Have Elrond look at your head while you are at it!" I commanded him pointing to the little room with all my clothes and other elves that seem to dwell in there at times. Erestor packed up the game, rubbing his noggin, I looked to Haldir. "Haldir, go with him." I said to him.

"No, I want to be with you." he said adamantly.

I sighed a little. "Alright. But be quiet." I told him, putting up my feet on the edge of the bed.

I began reading one of my favorite on-line stories again. A great one written by a dear friend of mine, who Haldir is really peeved at right now and even a little hurt...she killed him off in the story. He keeps mumbling, "Damn! I should be more famous than Glorfindel but I am not, Leggy is. Hell, I have died more than any one elf alive. Damn! Peter J for starting the whole thing!"

He said that around Leggy just the other day, and Leggy told him, "Well at least you are not the only elf in middle earth that is homosexual and pregnant all the time!" Haldir admitted he had him beat.

Just as I settled into reading the latest chapters. Not paying any attention to what was going, I suddenly felt my toes getting pulled and wiggled. Then the whispers of the old rhyme. "This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy had none, and THIS little piggy..." He stopped once he realized I had caught on, looked up, smiled deviously, then continued. He grabbed my little toe between his thumb and first finger. "WEE! WEE! WEE! all the way home!" he wiggled my toe really fast, causing me to laugh until I almost peed on myself.

"Stop it, Haldir!" I told him between giggles.

"Alright. How about this?" he asked, reaching out and grabbing me, pulling me toward him and kissed me. Fully, hotly, and passionately on the lips. After a few moments of moaning in the kiss, and nearly losing consciousness from lack of oxygen, he released me. "Better?"

I looked up in to his crystal blue eyes, took a hand and caressed his cheek. He smiled down at me.

"You know, elves are so immature when it comes to boredom, why?" I asked him.

He kissed my nose. "Because, my sweet, we are free-spirited." he kissed my cheek. "And when our lovers are tired, and hurting, we want to cheer them up. It's in my nature." he said looking deeply into my eyes.

"It is not in your nature. I just think it is because you have never truly grown up." I told him kissing his chin.

"Ah, yes, my smart little love did it again. She figgered me out!" he said looking around knowing he was caught.

"Haldir, you are like a billboard, Whoomp there it is!" I laughed out, his laughter joined mine, it was deep and heartily felt.

"Now, can I rub your feet?" he asked cheekily.

"Only if its only rubbing and not tickling." I told him.

The End...FOR now!

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