My Heart Only Shatters For You
It was stunning. The simple elegance of the solitary cushion cut diamond flanked by three luminescent pearls on either side, all encased so tastefully in white gold. When she found a little velvet box tucked safely in the spice cabinet – she hadn't expected that her latest attempt to cook for Oliver would lead her to such a discovery – she'd been too curious not to look inside it. Felicity knew she ruined the surprised but she could not find it within herself to be upset over it, and hopefully Oliver wouldn't either, because the man she loved beyond reason wanted to marry her. To spend their lives together. It meant the world to Felicity to know that Oliver felt that way especially after returning to Star City and taking up his quiver again.
The last few months had been difficult for so many reasons beyond battling Damien Darhk for the soul of the city. Where she had seamlessly slipped right back into their nightly activities Oliver had struggled to find his place on the team again, his relationship with John was still tense and there was the ongoing mêlée of keeping Thea … well Thea. Her resurrection via the Lazarus Pit had left invisible scars and it was so easy for her trip into going too far. Someone had always managed to pull her back, but the instances weren't abetting and, in fact, seemed to be happening more often. The worrisome burden of what could happen, what she could do was eating away at all of them, but there wasn't a choice to be made or if there was they had all made it along ago. They would stand by Thea, protect her from herself if needed be and if the time ever came, they would protect others from her.
This life, their life, was not idyllic. It was not the quiet, lazy mornings of their travels or the simple, settled life they created for themselves in Coast City. While Felicity loved that time they had, what it had given them – so much happiness after so much heartache, it hadn't felt quite real. If she was honest with herself she'd been waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. And it had when Laurel and Thea showed up on their doorstep seeking Oliver's help.
Until the moment Oliver told her otherwise Felicity had always believed that they could be together, be an us, be what they were and have their mission, because it had become theirs. No matter how much Oliver loved her, how many ways he showed her, it wasn't until she found the ring – proof that he believed in them as much as she did – that the last piece of her heart that had still been chipped by earlier decisions finally healed.
The moment Oliver asked to go away with him Felicity knew her answer. Yes. Wherever, whenever, for however long – after all the pain, the mistakes they both made, escaping together was all she wanted. No matter what the future would bring she knew with certainty Oliver would be in, by her side, but even as they built a home together marriage had never crossed her mind; and not just because in the eyes of the League of Assassins he was married man. If Oliver had asked to marry her before they returned to Star City and confronted everything that meant, she knew that doubt would always hang like a shadow over them.
Felicity did not question what her answer would have been if he would have asked then, it was the same obvious one she would give him now, a resounding yes, but the affirmative answer could be given with her heart whole, with no niggling trepidation. She prized Oliver's love, but the greatest gift he could offer her was his belief in them, against everything.
Giddy, Felicity couldn't resist the temptation to slip the ring on her finger. She held her hand out, catching the ring in the light and watched it sparkled. The weight of it felt right on her finger. The ring was an exquisite symbol of love, though she would have been content with just a wedding band declaring to the world that she and Oliver had chosen each other.
Logically she knew she had to take it off and place the velvet box back in its hiding place. Her Oliver was sappy, romantic and obviously had something planned. She didn't want to deny him that or herself, but now that the ring was on her finger she knew she would feel bereft without it. She was working to accept that decision, trying to content herself by picturing the look on Oliver's face (there would be soft eyes shimmering with love and that beaming smile she hadn't seen enough of lately she was certain) when he popped – and seriously why did people phrase it that way? – the question when a squeal of delight sounded behind her.
"He asked!" Thea exclaimed racing forward her as she spun towards the younger woman. Her hazel eyes had gone big and her cheeks flush with excitement. Felicity couldn't help but think it was sweet that Oliver had discussed proposing to her with Thea. She was going to correct the assumption when Thea squeezed her tight and dramatically breathed out, "Finally."
"Finally?" she repeated with a squeak. Thea was too caught in the joy of the moment; or rather what she thought the moment was, to register how she asked.
"He's had the ring for months," Thea confided as she took her hand to examine the ring on her finger. "The doofus was going to propose to you the night we showed up. Can you believe he stuffed the ring in a soufflé? So cheesy. I'm so thrilled he's finally followed through."
With those words Thea finally met Felicity's gaze and the sudden drop of the girl's grin alerted her to the fact that she knew something was wrong. "Felicity," the younger Queen said her name softly, in tone so reminiscent of her brother it made her heart ache.
Felicity felt the tears that had stained her eyes begin to drip and she brushed them aside quickly. "It's nothing," she said weakly. Thea cocked an eyebrow clearly indicating that she did not believe the statement she just made, not that Felicity could blame her. She had never been great at masking her feelings, the only thing that saved her early in their relationship was how obtuse Oliver had been, but one thing she had gotten good at was putting on a brave face. She forced a smile, knowing that it did not reach her eyes, and hoped that Thea wouldn't push. "He didn't go cheesy." He never would she thought bleakly, because a ring hidden for months sent a very clear message. Oliver had no intention of proposing. Though her world felt like it was ending she pushed through the sharp sting of her broken heart for Thea. "I think I would have liked it."
The younger's woman's eyes cleared of the most pressing concern and she rubbed Felicity's shoulder. "I'll remind him of that when he asks you to renew your vows."
Her heart swelled with affection for her would-be-sister even as she choked on the knowledge that that's all they would ever be. Almost sisters. To hide her distress Felicity threw her arms around Thea, pulling her close to whisper, "You're the best."
"Don't you forget it," she teased and Felicity was grateful that Thea seemed to understand that she needed a break in tension. She let out a laugh, not as forced as it could be, because the other woman's presence was a balm to her stormy emotions.
The chirping of the smoke alarm alerted them both to the impending disaster of her cooking attempt. "I think there are better ways to celebrate your engagement than cooking," Thea commented as they broke apart. Old hats at this situation, Felicity moved to the stove to turn it off and try to save the pan while Thea grabbed a dish towel and began waving it in front of the detector.
"Undoubtedly," she remarked drily as she dropped the scorched pan in the sink. Felicity took a deep breath and exhaled, steadying herself before she turned back to Thea. "I don't suppose I could bar you from the loft tonight so we—"
"Say no more," Thea shouted in mostly mock horror, waving the towel at her. "A sister does not need to know how enthusiastic her brother is with his newly minted fiancée."
Felicity couldn't help the embarrassed flush that turned her cheeks pink, but that unfiltered response erased the final dredges of concern from Thea's face and for that she was thankful. Once the detector was silent Thea threw the towel onto the shelf and crossed back over to her. "I'm really happy for you both," she said again hugging her, "and I'm going to be the best sister."
"You already are," Felicity assured her, relishing in last carefree embrace she would share with Thea. They squeezed each other hands before Thea slipped out of the loft as quietly as she entered minutes before. The tears she thought would let lose the moment she was alone remained determinedly unshed.
Sixty seconds, she told herself, closing her eyes. She would take no more than sixty seconds to wallow in the utter desolation she felt before doing what came next.
He was exhausted when he entered the darkened loft. Though it was still late, Oliver had half expected to find Thea and Felicity curled on the couch together with a bowl of popcorn between them and glasses of red wine watching a movie. Felicity was currently schooling Thea in classic slapstick comedy; "We need the laughs to counter the doom and gloom," she argued before putting on an old Abbott and Costello film a night a few weeks back. A few laughs sounded like the perfect remedy to the mental fatigue running for mayor engulfed him in.
Though they weren't in the living room waiting for him just the thought of coming home to his girls eased away the worst of the day's strain. The whole world could be falling apart around him, and often felt like it was, but as long as he had Thea and Felicity Oliver knew he could keep going, could keep trying to make a difference.
He kept his movements stealthy, so not to disturb his slumbering ladies, as he made his way through their home to the kitchen. As he munched on an apple, Oliver noticed the lingering smell of burnt food, which could only mean that Felicity had tried to cook for him again tonight. He shuddered slightly at the thought; her efforts were not for the faint of heart, but her continued persistence warmed his heart. Every crack was just another way for Felicity to show him that she loved him.
That knowledge continued to amaze and humble him. That she could love him, that she chose him – it was a wonder. Even before the island he'd done so many unscrupulous things that it did not seem possible that he deserved to be loved the way she loved him. He wasn't sure if there would ever be a time that he felt worthy of the adoration in her eyes, but knew he would never be able to live without it. She had sustained him through the worst and the only reason he'd been able to come through to the other side was because of Felicity.
His gaze drifted to the spice cabinet and his thoughts went to the ring he tucked away in there, the promise it represented, the one he was desperate to make to her. He wanted to marry to Felicity, had wanted to since the moment she said she'd go away with him. The only future he wanted was one with her by his side. They'd been so close to it, literally minutes away, when their past intruded on them.
He loved his sister with his entire being, but seeing her at that moment and knowing she was there to pull him back into the life that had nearly cost him what he loved most had devastated him. As had Felicity's quick radiance to return to it. He hadn't been able to reconcile being the Arrow and being with her previously making the decision to return Star City feel like she was choosing the mission over them.
Even though that hadn't been the case, would never be the case for Felicity, it had stung; so he squirreled away the ring. The question he planned to ask was locked inside him and Oliver hadn't been certain when it would come out, even after Thea found the ring and gave him hell for not proposing that night like he intended he hesitated.
He was waiting and Oliver knew it was foolish. His future was right there for the taking, all he had to do was ask, and longing for the day to call Felicity his fiancée, his bride, his wife would finally be over. At the end of eighty-six years he knew he would regret not having all of those days, but he had nearly ruined them thinking he couldn't have their mission and be with Felicity, even when all he want was to be with her. Each day he was able to come home to her was allowing him to accept that his earlier belief wasn't true. He wasn't a man torn in two, having to choose between what needed to be done for the greater good and his own desires because they were one in the same. He wanted to make a difference, anyway he could, and he wanted to do that with Felicity by his side in every way.
Felicity had always believed that was possible, but his faith had been chipped away over the years. To the point that he barely believed in himself, he had only known the promise he made to his father. One he intended to uphold no matter the cost. It had nearly taken his soul; it certainly would have if not for Felicity and Diggle. The last vestiges of what had been human in him had been saved and nurtured by them. The only reason there was an Oliver Queen was Felicity Smoak and John Diggle. He left the island, but they were the ones to bring him home.
He was finally beginning to trust that – that he was Oliver Queen and Oliver Queen was the Green Arrow, he could help the city and be in love and there for Felicity all at the same time. A simple truth for some, but an enormous revelation for him. One that was still settling in his soul. The second it did Oliver knew he would retrieve the ring and ask Felicity to spend the rest of their lives as husband and wife. Pleased at the thought of that future, Felicity Smoak-Queen – she was definitely a hyphenator – he tossed the apple core into the bin and headed upstairs thinking he'd make it worth Felicity's while to wake up.
His carnal thoughts came to a cold and screeching halt when he entered their bedroom. Felicity was awake and packing ... why was she packing?
His voice was stricken when he said her name, "Felicity?" Her movement stilled and Oliver felt his breath catch when seconds later she jerked back into action, folding the blouse and placing it the suitcase on the bed. There were two more packed to the brim on the floor and catching sight of them had panic skittering through him as he put the pieces together – packing meant leaving. Felicity was leaving him.
The very idea was unfathomable, because Felicity didn't leave; she stayed even when it was difficult because for her that was the most profound way to show that she loved someone.
His dread flared into anger when she ignored his presence and continued to pack. He had hundreds of ways of saying her name, imbuing it with meaning far beyond the ordinary meaning of a person's name. This time he ground it out, frustration event in his tone, "Fe-lic-ity."
She flinched and Oliver hated himself for causing that reaction, but he couldn't allow himself to wallow in that feeling. He had to find out what happened, what possible reason was behind her current course of action so he could fix it. So she would stay. He didn't think he'd survive if she didn't stay.
He watched as her spine straightened, Felicity could be unbendable when she needed to be, before placing the last folded shirt in the suitcase. She clicked it closed before turning to face him. Her face was pale and her normally animated cornflower blue eyes were dull. It occurred to him that she looked defeated, something he'd never seen before, and it made his chest ache.
"I found the ring." Her voice was flat and monotone, for the life of him Oliver could not understand why the discovery of the family heirloom he wanted to give her for their engagement elicited such a reaction. Even now in this bitter, edgy moment he did not doubt that Felicity loved him. That she wanted a future with him. Marriage shouldn't make her want to withdraw from him, from them.
He knew they were the wrong words, but they tumbled out of his mouth against his better judgement because she was all he truly wanted. "Marry me?" His question caused Felicity to wrap her arms around herself, providing support and protection against him. No physical blow he ever received hurt so much. Oliver stepped forward and she retreated back, the action broke his heart.
"Months," the word croaked out her brokenly. A sheen of tears cascaded over her eyes. He understood the importance of what she was trying to express, but the meaning of that single word was lost on him. Oliver wanted the words to ease the suffering etched on her face, but until he knew where it came from they were elusive. So he found himself begging, "Talk to me Felicity."
She dipped her head and took a shaky breath, everything about her seemed ready to shatter if he said or did the wrong thing. He couldn't let that happen. It was his duty, his sacred right really, to keep Felicity safe and whole.
"You wanted to marry me—"
"I still do."
She ignored his protest and continued on as if he hadn't spoken, "months ago, but then Thea and Laurel showed up and we – or maybe it was me – decided to come home and you changed your mind."
"No," he denied the trajectory of her thoughts.
"You never asked," the hurt in her voice when she said that nearly undid him.
"I mean to, I will – I just did," he threw out desperately because she was standing right in front of him and never felt further away.
She shook her head, "If you really wanted—"
"I do," he snapped and a tremor tore through her at his harsh tone. Oliver clenched his hands into fists at his sides. Every instinct he had screamed at him to reach out and sooth her, but he knew it was the wrong move. If he wanted to break through the wall of pain that had been erected between them instead of giving Felicity cause to bolt he had to use words to reach her.
"Not enough, not completely, because if you believed in us you would have asked me that night like you intended or any day after. Any moment before I found the ring and realized you'll never trust that we can be together and do what we do. For you it will always come down to an either or choice between us and our work and you won't choose me."
Each word felt like a slice against his heart and as the last of them hung heavy in the air Oliver couldn't fight the overwhelming need to close the distance between them anymore. He was clasping her face in his hands, making damn certain that her watery gaze was on his own when he reminded her, "But I did."
She finally succumbed to the tears then and he felt her body shake with them. "Only after the Arrow wasn't an option anymore." Felicity pulled away from him then, like that horrible night over a year ago in the hospital, he was left with the phantom feeling of her face in his hands as she sprinted from the room.
He wanted to chase after her, to refute her but the words he'd spoke less than a year ago kept him rooted where he stood. "Ra's took the Arrow identity from me. I couldn't be that person even I wanted to be. And I don't want to be. I told you that I couldn't be the Arrow and be with you. I want to be with you."
When it matter most he hadn't chosen her and when it mattered least he had. The unwavering belief Felicity had hadn't been able to stand up against the weight of that and Oliver had no idea if he would be able to restore it. The grief he felt was enough to swallow him whole, but he pushed it aside because the only thing he did know was that he was going to try, because as much as Felicity could not see it now, there no other choice but her for him.