Disclaimer: This piece is a work of fanfiction/I do not own TMNT

A/N: 2007 Turtles. Raph's darker thoughts about his brother Leo. This short story will be in two parts. It takes place after the events in the 2007 film.
Warnings: swearing

Settled Dust

Part 1

Rattle.
Howl.
Thunder.

The damaged walls surrounding him wailed and moaned . The dust was like smoke that made the air thick and hard to breathe, little particles visibly falling from the ceiling and rising from the floor with every careless shuffle of his feet.

The building was condemned, that was obvious. Printer paper scattered the floor, abandoned desks and stacked chairs lined the walls, and the faint smell of mold was present by the broken windows. Raph stepped further into the room, glass crunching under his feet. Outside the ramshackle walls, rain was coming down in buckets. The high winds blew cold water in behind him, creating a puddle that mixed with collecting dirt and dust. It was a chilly night, Autumn in New York, and he felt the cold in every bone of his body.

"Fuck." he cursed and rubbed his arm across his damp face. The rain water had drenched him, not an inch of him didn't feel like he had just crawled out of a cold shower

This place... It hadn't been his first choice of a rain shelter, but the other was littered with cops. A drug bust or something. He didn't know.

As for going home- HA! Well, that was out. He didn't leave on good terms and he didn't dare go back. Nah, not yet. He needed to cool down. Of course, the "cooling down" idea seemed ridiculous now that he was topside, dripping head to toe, and shivering like a goddamn dog

A COLD dog.

But the cold was the least of his problems. Things weren't alright here... with him.
Things, family things, were all messed up and it was his fault-

"Eh, my fault?" Raph rolled his shoulders irritably. "No." No, not completely anyway. Things were messed up and it was Mmmmshhhhh 70% his fault?

80%?

Maybe 90?

Shit. "Oh man." Now he was starting to sound like Don.
Well, he could live with that. He could handle being a little more like Mr. Brain-iac once in a while. Donnie was always fair. Donnie let him be, he saw the signs. Donnie understood him. Donnie never made him feel worthless.

It was Leo whom Raph couldn't stand.

"Yeah, I noticed you got quite a temper"

Mikey was fine enough, that nutcase. Sometimes the little runt dug around in his business, but a good few beatings showed that prankster exactly where Raph's line was. He wouldn't forget that Michelangelo could make him smile on a good day.

"Risking the safety of our family? Come On! What were you thinking?"

Master Splinter understood him too, but not the same way Donnie and Mikey did. Sometimes it felt like his sensei was tolerating him, kind of like he tolerates Mikey; the difference between Mikey and Raph being that Mikey was air-headed and annoyingly oblivious, Raph was dangerous, rebellious, outspoken, hotheaded... you name it-he'll admit it.

And then there was his oldest brother,

You're impatient and hot-tempered..."

The fearless leader.

"And most importantly,"

Splinter's favorite.

"I'm better than you."

His fist collided with the wall beside him, breaking through the plaster and hitting the metal beam behind it.

"DAMMIT!" For years he'd tried being all those things his father favored in his "perfect" older brother, only to have royally fucked up and been looked at, once again, like he was the loose-cannon, the unstable fire cracker, the problem.

He punched the wall again and again until his fist was sticky and the walls hummed in warning. Dust heavily fell from the ceiling

The foundation quaked,

Control yourself. Control...

The scene he and Leo had made on the roof that night was not so lost on Splinter, Raph was sure. Raph hadn't been entirely truthful when explaining and Splinter never questioned... Still, the old rat knew what had happened, why they'd gone topside to fight those monsters to begin with-
Not to save the world... not entirely.

To save Leonardo.

"And why did Fearless need savin'?" He grumbled to the quiet around him.

The answer was simple.

"Because of you."

Had Leo been right? Was he a danger to the team?

A danger to the family?

Leo never spoke to him about the run-in with the Nightwatcher, in fact he didn't care to speak to Raph about that night at all. The red-banded ninja tried once or twice to bring it up, if only to make a small attempt at an apology, but Leo would pick a fight and interrupt Raph before he could even get the words out.

The rain picked up. Heavy water thundered against the glass and lightening lit up the sky, momentarily illuminating his dark rundown hiding space.

The noise mocked him, it laughed, it cackled! It sneered and jeered and made him hate himself more with every passing moment. Every memory of their fight, every step, every swing danced before him like some sick ass ballet that he was being forced to watch again and again and again and again-

And Leo,

Raph chuckled into the dusty air.

Leo, again, had come out on top. He was the hero, the leader, perfection! And Raph was- What? The second rate? The anti-hero? The rebel that had to be reminded of his place, and who screwed up so badly it nearly cost him his family?

But no... wait... Raph had made an effort to be a better team player. He thought about it every day! He tried every time they went topside to blend instead of rashly act! And while he worked to improve his demons,

His arrogant prick of an older brother hadn't changed one bit.

"Hn." The ninja turned his head up to the cracked ceiling, a small curve at the edge of his mouth. Against his saner mind, he found himself wondering,

What if he had done it?

What if he had run him through and watched his brother die. What if he had stuck his sai straight through Leo's smug-ugly-heart with such force that the tip imbedded into the cement under his back? How would they all react? Hm?
Donnie and Mikey would hate him, of course, demand to know why and then never speak a word to him again. Master Splinter might even go as far as to kill Raphael after having lost his perfect little student, his fucking little favorite, and at the hands of the family's black sheep. His dark victory wouldn't have lasted very long, there were so many downsides. He could just imagine that damned smirk watching him from a shitty golden cloud, laughing as Raph's soul was pulled down to wherever the fuck he'd be sent to after his last breath.

But he hadn't killed him. He couldn't... WOULDN'T

He hated Leo. HATED HIM. The jerk was his brother, and Raph loved him, but the fact remained that Raphael absolutely, positively, undeniably HATED Leonardo. It didn't quite make sense, he'll agree, but hating a family member isn't exactly as easy and snipping them out of your life and forgetting they ever existed.

After all, he'd already tried that once...

"Raph?"

And Ol' Fearless came back.

"Raph." Leo sighed. "God, what the are you doing in here? This place looks like it's about to collapse!"

Taken off guard, Raph had visibly jumped at the sound of his name. He couldn't turn to face him. He'd punch him. He'd attack- He could feel the muscles in his arms tense, his twitching fingers brushing against the sais waiting ever so patiently in his belt.

"What're you doin' here, Leo?" He grumbled, facing a stack of old rotting chairs. Behind him, Leo seemed to be catching his breath. -the hell? Did he run here?

A crunch of glass, a single cough, and his brother replied "I followed you."

The turtle's lip curled. "Followed me, huh?"

"We need to talk."

Raph barked out a laugh and wiped a hand down his damp face. "Well, congratulations! You got yourself a captive audience." He gestured to the downpour and lightening. "Followed me all the way out here in a fuckin' hurricane just to talk, jungle boy?" he feigned a pout. "Was big brotha' worried?"

"Yes." Leo replied as if the comment wasn't meant to be biting.

Raph tilted his head, taking in his brother's shadow. There was no ill in his voice at all, to his suprise. Considering Raph had stormed out while Leo was yelling at him earlier, the lightness in his brother's tone was in fact annoyingly soothing. It was friendly and calm and... not condescending. The hot-head recognized it as the tone Leo usually saved for Mikey (in Mikey's better moments) or for Don on special occasions. As a young turtle, he remembered going out of his way sometimes to hear that motherly side of his oldest brother. It was so unlike Leonardo's usual high and mighty self... he was a little embarrassed just thinking about how much he'd craved the older ninja's attention back then.

As time went on, however, Raph had realized that the tone was manipulative. Leo wanted him to calm down and forget his anger. He wanted the sai wielding turtle to come home and regroup so the cycle could begin again. Leo would ignore him for a good week, keep his distance until there was a mission, and then start chipping away at Raph's sanity once more.

It was almost worse than constant torment.

He'd let his guard down and be hurt all over again,

But not this time.

"Well? Let's hear it, Fearless." Leo's heavy breathing ceased. Maybe it surprised his brother, being called "fearless" again. Over time it had become Raph's cruel name for him. The single word bled cold mockery and it had been a long time since Raph had let the name fall from his lips. Its retirement was not because they'd gotten along so well Raph hadn't found use for it, but because the word reminded them both of that night.

"Are you serious?" Leo snorted. "What is it now, Raph? Let me guess," The crunch of glass was barely heard above the storm as he stepped even closer to the younger turtle's back. "Poor Raphael. Nobody understands you. Everyone tells you what to do. Everyone's out to get you-"

"Watch it, Leo..." His fists clenched and he whipped around, locking eyes with the other turtle. Leo was closer than he thought, standing only about three feet away. The master ninja had one hand on his katana.

Above their heads, the ceiling creaked.

"No, you watch it." Leo spat. "You're attitude is out of control. We're supposed to be a team! And instead of talking this out, you run away like a coward-"

"A coward?" Raph shouted over the rain. "I tried to talk this out, you son of a bitch! It's YOU who only wants to talk about how I'm the screw up and I'm the problem! WHAT ABOUT YOU?" Raph took a step back. He wasn't a coward. He wasn't intimidated by his brother at all, dammit! He just needed some fucking space!

"Oh! So sorry if I, the lowly Leonardo," The turtle bowed his head in derision. "told the great Raphael that he was wrong. How dare I comment on the fact that you were the reason Donnie almost fell into a vat of liquid metal."

"That's not what happened, and you know it!" Raph reclaimed his step and took two more so that his face was inches away from his brother's.

"Back down, Raphael."

"I'd never hurt Don!" Raph was screaming now. His tired eyes stung with angry tears, but he'd be damned if he let them fall. He knew the truth. He wasn't a danger to his brothers! "I had it under control, you piece of shit! I was under control! It's you who can't treat anyone with respect and have the nerve to demand respect from us in return!" Fuck this! He was sick of yelling, he was sick of defending himself... most importantly, he was sick of Leo and his damned superiority complex.

Just as his brother opened his mouth to reply, Raph gave in to his own burning need to reclaim his personal space. Planting his feet and reaching his hands out in front of him, he pushed hard against Leo's chest, nearly toppling himself with the force he put into it.
Of course, being the smug ass ninja he'd always known him to be, Leo had not been taken too off guard by the assault, only stumbling backwards a few steps. His hand automatically reached for his weapon, Raph noticed, and in one, swift, angry movement his older brother had given him a left hook to the face and shoved him in the gut with the grip of his katana

Raphael gasped and gracelessly doubled over holding a three-fingered hand over his bleeding mouth, the other clutching his middle.

"shhhfffuck! You bastahd," Ok, wasn't expecting that. Damn, that was embarrassing... One hit and you're on your ass, Raphie-boy? The thought made him want to spring to his feet, but SHIT god he felt like puking!

Above him, Leo stared. His eyes darted from his own hand back to the turtle sprawled below him.

Second thoughts, Leo? You sick martyr.

And the younger guaranteed it wasn't the sight of blood dripping from his mouth or the sound of him struggling to get air back in his lungs that made the slighter turtle instantly regret his actions. Pff! Raph knew his brother better than anyone. Leonardo was mean... meaner that anyone ever gave him credit for, their fucking hero.

No, Fearless was just upset that he'd been caught losing control... just like he had that night on the roof.

A/N: to be continued ;)