DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER AND DO NOT INTEND ON MAKING ANY PROFITS FROM THIS.

Aye, I've finally managed to do something with this sinful piece of shite. Enjoy!

Chapter 1-

Harry Potter looked around the Great Hall, more than slightly confused. Still, because the author of this story couldn't be bothered with a couple of paragraphs introducing the books and why they're reading them, Harry was thrust into this world of confusion. Umbridge, as she was the one who had gathered the books, got up and smiled.

"Hem hem, I would like to expose Harry Potter!" Harry snorted and shrugged. Fuck it, let the woman ruin everything she believed. Honestly, reading the books would do more good than bad for Harry. Of course, they'd have to skip the whole of the third book, but Harry was pretty sure there were at least two rational people in the room.

"Okay, well, since no one has any objections" Fudge said, from his chair at the head table. How he got there, no one knows. Well the author does, she just can't be bothered to explain it… Anyway! Apparently, no one recognised Dumbledore as the HEADMASTER of the school when Fudge walked in.

"Okay, so Chapter One"

(They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters. Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister, but they hadn't met for several years; in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister, because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be)

"Albus, my good man, remind me again, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE THE POTTER SPAWN WITH THESE CUNTS?" Snape screamed. The entire hall looked at him awkwardly. Albus rolled his eyes and frowned, probably quite annoyed with how stupid Snape was.

"It's really not that hard to understand. Which part of blood wards do you not understand? I needed a living relative and as Voldemort made sure, Petunia was the only one, bitch."

(As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road, he watched the cat in his mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive - no, looking at the sign; cats couldn't read maps or signs. )

The Twins and Lee were up next, jumping up and screaming

"MCGONAGALL THAT'S YOU MATE" Everyone stared at them, it wasn't rocket science, literally everyone had figured it out, but these motherfuckers had to go and ruin the croaks of Umbridge.

"Yeah, no shit Sherlock" Bill proclaimed from their right, how he got there, no one knows, but here he was. Oh, and for future reference, the whole of the Weasley clan was here, as well as Remus Lupin, Tonks, Shacklebolt, Amelia Bones and Snuffles. Why there were here, people could only guess and most would guess that they were there to thicken the plot, they were right.

"Right, so now that we've established that the twins and Lee are probably missing a couple of IQ points, can we get on with it? "Umbridge again

(his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. )

"You know, considering our whole safety depends of muggles not knowing about our existence, we're remarkably shit at going incognito."

The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard yes, their son, Harry "Mr. Dursley stopped dead. Fear flooded him. He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it

"I wish he had died" Harry muttered, but you know, magic and all that, so everyone heard it. Snape glared at him, sneering in distaste at his existence.

"Potter stop being so angsty, no one cares about your teen melodrama." Draco and his mini-death eater crew laughed in appreciation, no one else did.

"Fuck off Snape, they kept me in a fucking cupboard and Dudley routinely beat me up, it's not melodrama its pure disgust."

"Lol you fucking what mate?"

"Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last! Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"

"Incognito shit right there" Professor Flitwick said, which was confusing considering most people thought he had said it, and to clarify, what he did was the opposite of Incognito.

The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed. Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt

"Uncanny resemblance to Dumbledore" Lee exclaimed. There was a round of facepalming.

This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.

"Oh whoops" Lee smiled apologetically

"Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right, " she said impatiently. "You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no - even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news.

"We're not completely incompetent, you know? In fact, muggles are more advanced than witches and wizards in many ways!" Some random muggleborn child shouted that one out.

"Yeah! We don't even inbreed anymore! Unless you go to America, but you know, still."

"We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop? "A what? "A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of" "No, thank you, "

"Sir, you're rather addicted to them. I reckon you need some help."

"Ah, my dear Harry, you would be correct."

"It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs.

"They were rather nice earmuffs" Madam Pomfrey commented from the head table, shrugging.

"is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters."

"Lily and James... I can't believe it... I didn't want to believe it... Oh, Albus... "Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder. "I know... I know... " he said heavily. Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on. "That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potter's son, Harry. But - he couldn't. He couldn't kill that little boy. No one knows why, or how, but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke - and that's why he's gone

The hall was full of people sobbing, even though no one had really cared for the past decade and a few years, oh well.

"His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter. ""A letter?

"Sir, I respect you as a teacher and a mentor, but, what the fuck were you thinking?" This was from Snape, because apparently people saw this as an opportunity for him to become Harry's best friend, when in all honesty, he probably would have left the hall by now.

"Oh fuck off Snape, you're no better, terrorising children because you're too caught up over Lily's rejection." Remus snapped back.

"Hagrid's bringing him. ""You think it - wise - to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"I would trust Hagrid with my life, " said Dumbledore. "I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place, " said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence"

"I'd trust you with my life, Hagrid." Harry said, before pausing in thought. "In fact, I already have, I guess." At this reminder Ron shuddered, fucking spiders man.

Young Sirius Black lent it to me.

The dog whined.

"Why did the dog whine?" Fudge asked

"Don't know, maybe he's bored?"

"OR MAYBE IT'S SIRIUS BLACK?" The Order all stiffened and searched for places to exit, no one noticed the shifty behaviour though and Percy Weasley laughed.

"Minister, stop embarrassing yourself. The day that dog becomes Sirius black is the day my family welcomes me back" The rest of the Weasley family looked at each other in horror, this would make the whole accept Percy again thing a lot more awkward then it needed to be.

""Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found,

"Wow let the geezer cry mate, you sure did several paragraphs ago!"

"Detention you little fucking wank stain"

"Wow"

He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!

"Who made that stupid name up?" Harry wanted to know because damn it was annoying, like just use Harry Potter, no need to make up random titles. It's like calling Voldemort You-know-who, just call him something like Mouldy-shorts if you're that afraid.

"Dunno mate" Ron muttered. "Bit shite isn't it?"

A/N: You know I didn't really change much, but ah well.