Give me a reason
It's taken months, many tears, many screams and fights to get Arizona in the wheelchair for longer than a hour. She'd use it to get to and from the bathroom, but other than that, the unwashed sheets and tear stained pillows was her only surroundings.
She heard life happening outside the bedroom walls, the cries of daughter and of her wife. Her wife. Callie. Calliope. She couldn't look at her face too long, for once eye contact happened she saw who she used to be in her wife's eyes, the woman she believes she'll never be again. That Arizona died in the woods, she didn't get on the plane back home to Seattle.
It had taken everything, tolls on their relationship, fights that amounted to only blame and the harsh truth that Arizona wasn't dead so she needed to stop acting like it.
As Arizona sits in her wheelchair waiting to speak with her Physical Therapist, she thinks about the last fight she had with Callie.
It was the same fight they had over and over again. Callie would yell "Get up, if not for me or for you for our daughter"….
Choking back more tears than humanly possible Arizona yells "You promised to not take my leg and you broke that promise, you broke me".
Callie shakes her head while trying to clean up the bedroom, forcefully picking up clothes off the floor, Arizona's tear stained clothes, she thrashing them into the laundry basket, not having this fight go on any longer. "We aren't doing this anymore, you aren't dead Arizona, you are alive -.
Arizona cuts her off "You don't understand, how could you-
Callie cuts her off this time and throws down the basket. "I understand that Mark is dead, he isn't here anymore and he never will be again, but you, YOU are here".
"Not all of me is" Arizona whips off the sheets to reveal the image that still burns Callie's eyes, not because she can't stomach the look of it, because she can't handle the blame, that blame that Arizona believes is only reserved for Callie, not for the accident not for the plane crash, but her.
Arizona covers her leg again, not able to stare at it for too long. "You promised me." The words come out soft whimper instead of the screams Callie is used to hearing accompany that phrase.
Callie takes a moment and a breath before coming over the side of the bed an sitting beside Arizona.
The blonde does her best to scoot away from her and flinch away and cross her arms around herself as Callie goes to lay a hand on her arm. "Arizona…look at me"
The blonde just closes her swollen eyes.
"Arizona, I did make a promise to you and I didn't break that promise and never will break it."
Arizona now opens her eyes and gives her wife a very quesionting and baffled look. "What are you talking about? I asked you to save my leg…"
Callie silences the blonde now by every so gently cupping the side of the blondes face and wiping away the stray tears from her face with her thumb. Arizona is still so taken back that she doesn't flinch to this touch, a touch that sadly she has grown numb to.
Callie notices that the once blue vibriant eyes still don't light up to her touch they way they ever used to and maybe that never will but she never giving up, she takes a deep breathe and beings to speak "…Arizona, I promised to love you, to stand beside you for the rest of our lives together, to be there for you in sickness and in health, till death do us part." Arizona rolls her eyes to this, but Callie goes on anyways "…it was that promise that first promise that trumped the second one, because Arizona it was either loose your leg or you."
Arizona has now been answering all the questions she has about her accident and what her body feels like to her now. Callie has been sitting next to her, chiming in on about her post op notes and about the prosthetic leg Arizona has been fitted for.
The blonde has been biting at the bit to find out when they are going to get out of this damn office and in a gym. Even though she can't even really wrap her brain around the intense physical conditioning and training she is going to have to endure, she at least wants to be finally doing something other than laying in bed.
Riley Perkins, the young thirty something Physical Therapist, looks over her notes one last time and says "Okay well I think that's all we have to do for today".
Arizona turns to Callie with a "are you kidding me" kind of look, Callie just shrugs.
"Wait a minute. That's it? You just wanted to hear about the accident and the surgery and the new leg? No actual PT is going to be had? Not even some strength training exercises for me to do at home?" the blondes asks with irritation.
"Actually, I do need one more thing from you before you leave today.." Riley hands her a piece of paper. "…I need you to write down at least twenty reasons as to why you want to get out of that chair and walk again".
Arizona's irritation only grows from this request "And this list is going to do what?"
Riley looks at Callie and then back at Arizona "Dr Robbins, you are going to fall, you are going to fall a lot during PT. You are going to be so exhausted because you will be using muscles inside of you that you never even knew existed, your going to have to dig deep just to get out of bed in the morning and some days you will even refuse to even get out of that chair, some days you will think it's hopeless. So I ask all my patients to list me reasons as to why they want to get up an walk again, because I find that if you don't have a good reason to fight and get up again – you won't"
It's been two days now since the meeting with Riley Perkins PT and Arizona is about to set foot in the gym this afternoon.
After the morning Callie just had with Arizona. A morning full of no eye contact, no kind words and only more distance. Callie had thought the maybe with Arizona finally realizing she an actually walk again some day that maybe their relationship would finally be making steps forward as well. But as Callie helped her wife get into her clothes for the day, not even a small smile was cracked or a thank you whispered, not even a small graze of the hand or touch was offered.
Callie has come to the Hospital early to talk with Riley and she has just vented about this morning and her thoughts about her role in Arizona's rehab.
Callie takes a long breath "…so all in all, I guess I just wanted to know what I can do, what I should be doing to help her."
Riley takes a much need breathe after absorbing an emotional and unexpected rant from the emotionally and utter exhausted brunette. "You do know that I'm a Physical Therapist right? Not an actual Therapist, Therapist."
Callie nods and bows her head in a sort of defeat.
Riley with a sigh "Dr. Torres, "
"Callie." the brunette corrects.
Riley nods "Callie, It's required of your wife to seek counseling while in rehab and I do strongly suggest the same for you. You are going to need someone. She is going to lean on you, she's also going to push you, push you away at times and close at others, and you need someone to help you stand and stay standing so she can do that same."
"Right. I know I will be talking to someone for me. And she's strong, she so strong. I know she can do this. I just don't know if we can do this, because I'm losing my wife more and more everyday and I just need some kind of confirmation or hope even that I'm not going to lose her for good…" Callie tries to hold back the tears but can't.
Riley lays a hand on the woman's shoulder "I wish I could do that for you, but until I start working with your wife and seeing how she responds the rehab, there's isn't much I can tell you at this point…"
Callie hangs her head defeated for what feels like the hundredth time today " I understand."
"But I can tell you this, your wife did fail her first assignment…" Riley reaches into her pocket.
"Seriously? She couldn't even make a list?" Callie says in frustration and hopelessness.
"Well, no. She made a list…it's just that I asked her for twenty reasons…." Riley opens up the paper now and glares at it before handing it to Callie.".. she only wrote down two".
Callie stands confused for a second and then sees in big letters the two reasons Arizona wrote – For my Wife. For my Daughter.
Callie reads this over and over again and absorbs the words and the feelings that it sends from her head to her heart and tears, happy tears, begin to form in her eyes.
"Hang in their Callie" Riley throws her wink and heads down the hall.
Callie stands there and smiles and holds the paper to her heart.