WARNING: This fic isn't really a crack fic but it may seem like one at times. I don't own KH2 or Square Enix. So basically whatever is in this fic isn't true. No matter what I say.
In the wonderful fantasy of gummis and ships, Sora defeated the Organization XIII, killed Maleficent, defeated countless enemies, saved many worlds and people. The truth is… well it's not true.Square Enix really had no idea what they were doing when they made the game. You have no idea what they did to create this game.
Xemnas is the owner of a major corporate firm that manufactures mushrooms. He claims he had nothing to do with the little incident with the opium and the magical mushrooms he manufactured.
Xigbar works in the same building as Xemnas – only as a janitor. He smokes constantly and keeps his hair extra greasy so he can fit the part. He also wears suspenders.
Xaldin is the (not-so) happy owner of a meat shop. Everybody says the sausages are extra good. We'll leave that issue at that.
Vexen is a worshipped god after is trip to Easter Island. He has no idea how much he resembles the Tikis. The natives love him – So do the tourists and their cameras.
Lexaeus is a fat ass who lives at home drinking beer and watching football in front of the T.V. Pretty soon he's gonna have to move out because he doesn't have a job. What he does have is a pot belly.
Zexion is part of the Mafia. Not much else is known. The heads of our informants got blown off when they tried to pry further. Quite literally too.
Saix serves pudding in an old folks home – hairnet and all. He was last seen scratching the face off of an old lady who claimed they were engaged.
Axel is a high school English teacher. The girls drool after him and are constantly at his beck and call. He loves it and now and then he is found flirting with the French teacher. Who is quite male.
Demyx used to be a hobo. He was found in a box on the side of the street and he now lives in a church as a priest. He has no idea how he's going to tell them that he's an atheist.
Luxord currently is in jail, serving fifteen years just because he drank some beer. Of course some meaning ten gallons. Oh and is it too late to mention that he flashed the queen?
Marluxia is a Pokemon fan. You can find him with a pokeball at all times. He also has been seen at night with different ladies. Just so you know – he uses LavaLife.
Larxene is a punk. She let her hair grow out and she died black streaks into it to show her 'independence'. She listens to Marilyn Manson and has had at least four abortions.
And Roxas was a figment of imagination.
Ansem the 'Wise' was actually a librarian who collected stamps and erasers.
Xehanort has his own talk show where he is constantly told to shut up and is thrown tomatoes and eggs from the audience. The only reason why they paid for tickets is to throw stuff at him.
Maleficent owns a brand of cosmetics called Be'witched. They claim that they don't do animal testing in the factories but…
Pete is a tax collector and beats up people for their lunch – I mean their tax money.
Oogie Boogie is a D.J. at a dance club in upper Manhattan called Shivers. He calls himself the Boogie Man.
Jack Skellington and his girlfriend, Sally, live in the basement of their landlord, Finklestein, with their dog Zero.
Lock, Shock and Barrel are currently in daycare.
Santa Claus is a myth.
Winnie the Pooh is a book.
Leon is a bar tender somewhere in Arizona. He has a fetish for yogurt.
Cloud is a major part of the gang wars in New York.
Cid is a technician in Wal-Mart. He lives with his ten year old adopted daughter Yuffie. She's adopted because he's incapable.
Aerith is a vegetarian.
Yen Cid has a set toy trains that he constantly plays with.
Merlin is a pedophile who looks at Google porn.
Mickey, Donald and Goofy star in the House of Mouse at 12:00 in the mornings.
The moogles are terrorists.
Sora is a gawky teenager with bad acne and plays children's card games. Riku is an egotistical ladies man who rips out the hearts of girls. Kairi is a bitch by day and a hooker at night.
Similar fates were met with the others.
And now you're probably asking yourself – what has the world come to?
Well guess what?
The heartless and the nobodies all banded together and formed the tea party association.
To be continued