Equal Opposites
Ralph. Natural born leader and all around pretty-boy. Not the strongest, but cloaked in an aura of confidence that made him ineffably…alluring. I remember even at thirteen, just on the cusp of adolescence, I admired his careless energy and charm, marking him as an equal. Equal but opposite, more's the pity.
Our first days on the island were bright and lively as we explored in blissful camaraderie. I remember our elation at reaching the top of Castle Rock where we lay in a heaving pile under the sun: my head on his stomach, his arm draped over me in a sub-conscious half-hug. We grinned at the cobalt sky, high on life. At length, the midday sun began to sink and we climbed down the rock, traipsing back along the beach, arms linked. Simon wasn't exactly the greatest conversationalist, so Jack and I began a small chat over his head. It wasn't really about much – we had done the whole 'Hi, I'm Ralph, I'm from Exeter Prep' thing on the way over – so we began categorizing the other boys on the island and reviewing our first day. Jack soon began an impersonation of Piggy, slowing his walking speed drastically and circling his eyes with his fingers. Kicking his voice up an octave he began, "There's Johnny and Maurice and Sam'n'eric…Oh no! Which is Sam and which is Eric? Oh dear, its simply too tiring for me to remember. I have assmar" and here Jack spat the word with disgust. "And my Auntie told me not to tire myself out…oh oh oh…"
Jack ended his performance with a theatrical swoop down to the sand, landing on his back with his hand over his forehead and a pained expression on his face. Simon and I were in stitches beside him, laughing like loons! In an attempt to assuage my conscience and back Piggy up, I reminded Jack that he had found the conch. "And he had the idea of using it to call meetings, when he remembered one on some guy's back wall. Apparently he used to blow it and then his mum would come." I stopped short suddenly and began giggling again. Jack and Simon looked at me sideways before the elder suddenly cottoned on. Between laughs he gasped out, "do you think he even realised?" And that set us off again.
The next weeks passed in a dream: tag on the beach, climbing trees, and water fights in the lagoon. Of course, somewhere between the games we built huts, made a fire and organised forages for fruit. Me and Jack, Jack and me, we became friends over those weeks, and more.
It was in the evening after an especially tiring day. The two of us were lounging around the lagoon, marvelling at the sky as it shifted from hazy pink right through colours unnamed to settle in a velvet blue. It was like our own private cinema. The other boys were still round the fire and we were alone for the first time since we got here. We had our feet dangling in the water, having long since given up on shoes and shirts, when I felt Jack's foot brush against mine.
"Do you think we're missing anything?" He tilted his head towards me, red hair falling infront of his eyes and obscuring them from view.
"Well of course! We're missing our lives…new movies and games, my older brother's birthday must've happened by now–"
"Not that stuff! I mean, well yeah, but…you know…" He paused, turning away embarrassed. "Girls…and…kissing and all that sorta stuff. I mean they always made such a big deal of it at home, and Charlie acted larger than life when he finally went out with Penny."
Charlie was his older brother, the source of majority of Jack's knowledge, wellspring of all things good and holy, ultimate idol and human reincarnation of God. In short, Jack thought the sun shone out of his arse. Regardless, he was obviously the source of this latest bout of insecurity and I knew from previous experience that one had to help Jack sort out his problems quickly. They tended to make him…irritable otherwise, to put it mildly.
"Come on, there can't be that much we're missing. I mean, its only kissing, right?" He looked at me uncertainly, brow creased in thought. Suddenly his face was inches from mine.
"Can I?"
I stared into his eyes. I had to admit I was curious too, and after all, if you can't kiss your best friend then who can you kiss? I gave a small nod and puckered my lips slightly. He moved forward and our noses bumped rather abruptly. We let out a nervous chuckle and he tilted his head to the left before trying again.
It worked that time, and his lips brushed against mine, cracked from the sea air but surprisingly soft and pliant. It was short, barely a second long before he pulled back and questioned me silently. Jack's a boy. So what? I kissed him again in reply, longer this time, with more assurance. Experimentally I licked his lower lip, pushing against it slightly. In return he opened his mouth, and I swept past his teeth. Our tongues slid against each other, stroking and circling. And then I realised suddenly, horribly, what I was doing. I was kissing a boy.
A boy.
The thought burned in my mind, arresting all movement. Numbly I felt him move away, registering his searching look with blank eyes. Then finally life returned to my body and I streaked across the beach, scattering littluns in my haste to disappear in the trees. Eventually, lungs burning, skin scratched and bloody, I collapsed to the ground, leaning against a rotting log. What was I thinking? Was I thinking? How could I even entertain the notion of, well, you know, a BOY! Wasn't that some sort of a sin? I knew it was a terrible thing at any rate – normal people just didn't do things like that. I remember last year Michael told me about how his brother came home beaten up by the other boys in the grade. I later found out that he'd "finally been caught being abnormal with that Finnegan boy and got what he deserved." I saw the ugly looks and heard the names they called him: pansy, poofter, pillow-biter. Obviously he had done the unacceptable, and I had just done the exact same thing. But you liked it. It was wrong.
Then again, I was on a deserted island and its not as if I was expecting Jack to up and, er, do that, so if I forgot myself for a bit, then that was excusable, right? Anyway, we were just…experimenting and it wouldn't go anywhere. Neither of us were going to do anything more, and no one had seen. It could be our secret and none of the other boys need ever know about it. We would be fine, we could continue like normal people and put that – mistake, mistake? Mistake. Behind us.
Calmer now after I had had the chance to think about what I'd done, I hiked out of the jungle in search of Jack. The skies had begun to drizzle rain, leaving the island damp and miserable, and I found him soaking, brooding in the doorway of the last hut. I sat down beside him and waited, watching the clouds gather above us. At length he turned to me and said quite calmly, "talk". It was my cue to explain, and although I had walked over here with that purpose in mind, I found myself unable to form any words.
"I…I need – want. I mean, I was just, and then I thought that, and so I went looking-" Jack gave me a look and I hastily shut up, took a deep breath and pulled myself together. "Right, well. About what happened…"
By the time I had regurgitated every rationalization that had come to me in the jungle, I was feeling thoroughly justified. Confident of my explanation, I looked up to see how he had taken it.
He was staring into the distance, mindless of the water dripping on his shoulders, thinking of something. I never found out exactly what.
I glared out at the water in disbelief. How could he have missed the issue so completely? How?! Here I was biting my tongue, waiting for an explanation as to why he ran off like a skittish girl and he gives me this? Explanations for our kiss and assurances that we can put this "mistake" behind us? "Don't worry because no one saw and I won't tell"?! Denials and regret and not so much as a hint of an apology for dashing off and leaving me! Doesn't he get it? I don't want to forget it happened; I want to know why he doesn't feel the same. It's only fair, hell, only polite to explain yourself when you leave someone that abruptly. He even sat there for ten or so seconds just staring at me, obviously not realising my minor panic attack, despite being less than an inch from my nose. Who does that boy think he is? Rattling on about what he wants to say while staring at his knee. Not even giving me the courtesy of looking me in the eye while he blithely ignores my feelings on the matter.
Speaking of those feelings…I'm not ashamed of what I did. I don't think its weird, or freakish, and just because other people say different, that's not going to change! Rules were made to be broken, and they already have been – simply by being out here, not having adults everywhere or going to school or bothering with appearances, we've changed the rules. So what's one more? Why do we have to restrict our actions to fit a society that knows nothing of us and is in ruins? Our lives have been flipped on their heads, what's to say that the old ways still apply, and if they do, who's going to enforce them?
He knows the answer just as I do, no one. No one will enforce them because no one can. A society takes cooperation and obedience to a leader in order to function, remove either and it comes tumbling down around your ears. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing.
After all, what was so great about our old life? I discussed it with Simon last week and he gave me my ideas, all dressed up in the right words. He talked about "the rules and restrictions everywhere, politicians playing public sympathy to their own ends, and prejudice followed by violence; how everyone lived in the small confines of what was allowed, what was deemed 'correct' by the majority, with no regard for the minority." I say it sucked. Especially if you were the minority. That's why I like it so much out here. We're away from all of that mess, given a clean slate to make our own way. You get what you work for and if someone opposes you, then may the best man win. Everything is so much simpler without constantly having to check your actions and words to make them socially acceptable.
So why does Ralph refuse to understand? He's watching our little civilisation fall to the ground, yet he won't adapt to this wilder life, won't follow the old saying: 'when the going gets tough, the tough gets going'. He seems bound by our old life – unable to make a stand and see his own opinion for everyone else's views. Or perhaps he's unwilling to crawl from behind the safety net of being 'normal' and step away, create a new life to accommodate something new, something that could blossom into a great thing. I always knew he wasn't the strongest of our group, but I hoped, maybe, he would be strong enough.
But no. He's no different from the rest. He could be tempted and forget for a fleeting moment, but no more. I don't want that. I don't want to be with him and constantly wonder when he will turn on me. And when he does, I don't want to be looked upon as the snake that lured the golden boy off his perfect, pre-approved track into darkness. I am not dark, or abnormal, or evil. I am simply the chance at something new, at a different approach to life altogether. And on this island, my way rules supreme; if Ralph is not with me then he is against me.
May the best man win.
Equal Opposites was inspired by William Golding's The Lord of the Flies which we studied in class. In this piece I tried to take the main stances of the characters and apply them to an alternate problem. In the novel Ralph is the voice of order that tries to uphold the rules and regulations of democracy while Jack ignores them and revels in the freedom granted by their dislocation from the world. In the novel, the reader identifies with Ralph and Jack is painted in a dark light as he brings about anarchy and destruction, however in my piece I have reversed the roles slightly. Ralph becomes the uptight boy that refuses to change, clinging to the old prejudices and views of the majority of society, while Jack discards this and is more open. Although it looks at a more controversial topic, I think I have successfully added more depth to the characters by presenting an opportunity where Jack has the more suitable view instead of automatically being cast as the villain.
The plot is loosely followed, beginning with them as friends and this conflict possibly leading to the rift as opposed to Jack's hunting obsession; while the idea of them being homosexual is supported by the scene at Castle Rock, as well as a mention of Ralph looking appreciatively at Jack in sweaty grey pants (although that was not mentioned in this piece). Although Jack in my piece becomes more reasonable, and possibly more intelligent than he is portrayed as in the book, I found that it was necessary in order to clearly convey the conflict of views.
Yeah, so that was my creative english coursework :D Review pretty please, I'll love you forever...