Just something we thought up when we were bored….I know May sounds older, but that's because I was writing the words and didn't have to give her names, places, or spellings, I could just write it out. She sometimes gets everybody so mixed up…
*You shall also be warned, this has much stronger language that our previous fanfics, although May's ears are covered at all appropriate times.
Mack: Hello many faithful reviews and readers of my masters May and Jay! *waves* Today my creators are going to review the anime Hellsing and its characters!
*crowd cheers wildly*
*May and Jay walk out and sit in comfy chairs*
Jay: So…hi there.
May: Ooooh…shiny lights…*glossy eyed*
Mack: Right then. First thing- *holds up flashcard*
"PLOT and REVEIW"
Jay: All the time.
May: I help!
Mack: No, the plot of Hellsing.
May and Jay in unison: Ohhh…
*Jay leans back and takes comfortable pose, as if preparing to talk awhile*
Jay: Well, Hellsing is pretty dang good. We're introduced to this world of government conspiracy, where a chain-smoking (it has to be said) lady knight has a *plugs May's ears* bad-ass vampire that kills his own kind. *unplugs her ears*Now, there are many Animes out there that have a good plot, but not a good end. Hellsing is not unaffected. At the very end, when Integra has aged to be a 50-year old woman, Alucard reappears and they and Seras share a moment of "welcome back", completely discounting the fact that once Integra dies (as no heirs are mentioned in manga, OVA, and probably not the anime either) Alucard is free to wreak his nutjob havoc upon the world with absolutely nobody holding him back. As mentioned several times, the seals are bound to the Hellsing bloodline, one that after Integra will kick the bucket has completely died out. Thus, Alucard will be free to do whatever he so pleases. Those in the audience with any amount of exposure to his idea of fun, please take a moment to start writing your wills.
May: But can't somebody do the magic thing on him again?
Jay: Well, possibly. Personally, I don't think so, as they say, once bitten, twice shy, even Alucard will listen to reason (very rarely) and stay away from anyone with that sort of ability. Plus, Section 13 and pretty much every other agonistic force out there has been decimated, theoretically it may be possible that there is no one left alive who knows how or has the mental, physical, and possibly magical (since the ritual was never outlined) strength to do so.
May: She could lock him in the basement again.
Jay: She's not stupid, she knows eventually he'd get out and be pissed as Hell, not to mention bored out of whatever tattered shreds of sanity he still has left. Sure, she could bind him there, but again, there's the risk something or someone about a hundred years later will accidentally free him, and the same problem arises. But anyway, this is not to complain about the theoretical ending and continuation of the plot, we're talking about what went on!
May: I thought we were complaining about it.
Jay: Uh…there's going to be some of that too I guess. May, take the stage.
May: Gotcha!
May: Well, the Hellsing OVA/Ultimate is about Alucard, who listens to Sir Integra and goes and kills vampires. The vampires he kills are fakey cheap ones, and he is very disgusted by them. When he was out on a mission there was this vampire and…um…
Jay: I'll take over. Folks, I obviously skipped that part when showing May the OVA, because she is only eight. Can't show that kind of material around her. Vampire catches her, threatens her, and then Alucard-
May: Right! Thanks big sis. Anyway, so Alucard shows up and then blasts all the zombies-
Jay: Ghouls.
May: Whatever. He blasts all the ghouls *glares at Jay*and asks if the Police Girl is a virgin. She mumbles and the vampire shouts at him, and then he shoots her through the chest and him through the heart and then-
Jay: I like it too, but too much detail. Should I pick up?
May: Sure. But I get to tell them about some of the others.
Jay: Yup. Anyway, so Alucard turns Seras (Police Girl) and she starts working for Hellsing. She is sent on her first mission, and then we encounter the Vatican and Judas Iscariot. Hoo-boy, this is where May and I get into some disagreements.
May: He is not!
Jay: Don't start that again, I have had it by reader review and picture evidence that ANDERSON IS FREAKING TALLER THAN ALUCARD!
May: Lies! All lies!
Jay: Anyway, we encounter Alexander Anderson for the first time. We'll save our opinions of him for his chapter in this fanfic, but he and Alucard strike up an immediate rivalry. Plus they (Anderson) both just hate each other's guts. Alucard is indulgently amused and bored enough that he likes the idea of the paladin being the one to defeat him. (Also an explanation saved for his chapter) Then the fact that Alucard is like a freaking vampire cockroach (you kill him but he won't stay dead) is revealed, as well as a mysterious and shadowy group pulling the strings to the host of FREAK vampires attacking the country. Next, we see their long reach as a group of ghouls and two chipped vampires attack the mansion, killing all the men except the Round Table gang, Integra, Seras, Walter, and Alucard. Nobody kills Alucard!
May: Mom said a unicorn could.
Jay: O.o …No comment. Anyway, they hire a group of mercenaries called the Wild Geese (and you don't need me to tell you who they are beyond that) and promptly send Alucard, Seras, and Pip off to South America (Brazil) to find out more. Upon arriving, they are attacked, and Alucard does his thing and kills everything in the building before being challenged by a Millennium vampire. They do battle, Alucard *plugs May's ears again* kicks his ass, *unplugs* and they all go back to a meeting just in time to hear the Major declare war via tiny TV. They're called in because Rip van Winkle stole the navy ship, and Alucard is sent to dispatch her, which he does. He is then stuck on a ship for most of the rest of the next couple episodes, and the Battle for London commences. Everybody and their aunt pitches in, and most of them (all) die at some point or another. Now, for the actual review instead of summary.
May: You missed the last bit with the Major and everything.
Jay: Of course I did, don't want to spoil the very ending do we? Anyway, this anime has a lot of gory, bloody action, interesting characters, and a lot of factions. My rating (and May's) is a whopping 9.0 out of 10. Why only a 9 you ask? Well, because of the violence. Nearly every scene and certainly every episode has a death or a fountain of blood and ick. Now from a personal POV, this doesn't matter. But for many, so much blood and death is an extreme put-off, and they do not get to see how truly awesome this anime is. I myself have been forbidden by our parents to show May any more Hellsing clips until she is very much older. She is very unhappy about this.
May: Yeah! I WANT TO WATCH HELLSING!
Jay: Anyway, another thing that many people have been wary about is Nazi involvement. Millennium, to be specific. Sure, the symbol shows up in a lot of places, but very rarely do they actually call themselves Nazis, usually saying "Last Battalion" or "Millennium". In fact, from a certain angle, if you squint your eyes and plug half of your right ear, they do not consider themselves true Nazis, more inclined toward the whole "Waffin SS" approach. Anyway, they are not true "Nazis" in my book, because although they belonged to the group known as the Nazi party, they did not discriminate via religion (Jewish and Jews) and were merely world-hating sociopaths. This is infinitely more fair that being Jew-hating sociopaths, because they did not care who they were killing, where as the true Nazis killed Jews and other such people because of their fanatical belief in the Nazi regime. Millennium just liked killing, and they hate everyone equally.
May: Hellsing, remember?
Jay: Right, sorry, distracted there. Anyway, Nazis, kinda turns people off, okay done there. But Kohta Hirano did not even mention Jewish hatred in the Nazi party, focusing instead on Millennium's leader, the Major. (And Doc too I suppose) Now we get into the good stuff, namely why this anime is the best thing since sliced bread.
May: And Soul Eater.
Jay: And Soul Eater. That goes without saying. But Hellsing. Is. Freaking. Awesome! First, we shall start off with the characters and factions. We get this nine-foot tall vampire voiced by Crispin Freeman who is both legally and obviously INSANE, coupled with his (and forgive me for this blondes, but it has to be said) dumb blonde fledgling who is actually more intelligent than she seems, lead by their scary-principal-of-doom-person-who-will-kick-your- ass- *plugs Mays ears again*-and -eat-your-guts-for-breakfast-scary-army-sergeant-m aster Integra, and Walter, who is the typical Ye Olde Butler, monocle, black hair and suit, shiny wire filaments of doom that he wields with his gloves and slices through anything, just a normal, average butler. And those are only the first Hellsing characters. There's Pip and the Geese too!
May: Frenchie braid-guy!
Jay: Yes, the Frenchie braid-guy and his merry men! They are tough, potty-mouthed (on occasion), and very good at shooting things. These assorted freaks make up the Royal Order of Protestant Knights, Hellsing. Obviously, this is usually where the action's at. But it doesn't stop there! Hellsing's rivals, Vatican Section 13, The Iscariot Agency, are also a prominent part of this anime. It is led by one Enrico Maxwell, who is a snotty, fanatical, pansy. Sorry, but he is. Way more cool is Alexander Anderson, the Paladin, Father Anderson, Judas Priest, the Regenerator, St. Guillotine, *stops reciting from memory and looks it up* Executioner Anderson, Bayonet Anderson, Off with Its Head Anderson, Dust to Dust Anderson, the Angel's Dust, the Bayonet Priest. This guy has a lot of nicknames, but he deserves them! *plugs May's ears* Close behind Alucard in badass-ery, this guy rocks! *unplugs May's ears*Also in this organization is Heinkel Wolfe and Yumie/Yumiko how-ever-you-spell-her-last-name.
May: I like him!
Jay: Who?
May: You know, "I wanna shoot her!"
Jay: That's a girl. Sorry, I didn't know there was a Crona in Hellsing either. (inside joke/phrase)
May: Oh…
Mack: Moving on.
Jay: Right! And then we have Millennium. By all that's freakish and unholy, here are some whackos. We have your standard 1,000 chipped vampires combined with the "Werewolves", an elite squad of super-vamps. (Zorin, Rip, Schrödinger, Captain, ect. are all part of this squad, although Captain is the only actual Werewolf) To quote p. 14 of the fifth book in the manga, said from a chipped vampire: "Ve're now numbered among the monsters. But before them, ve must look like mere rookies. They are the Werewolves. The Warmongers." They are all equally not cool and cool, and shall be discussed in their respective chapters. Led by the Major and (possibly and hinted at) created by Doc/Dok, this is a force to be reckoned with, an army of suicide soldiers and sociopath leaders.
May: Who?
Jay: Remember all the soldiers in the scene when the Major comes off the zeppelin?
May: Oh yeah…
Mack: When is she allowed to watch Hellsing again? This is getting tiresome…
Jay: When I find a good enough blackmail for my parents, that's when.
Mack: *sighs heavily*
May: Hey! I can hear you ya know!
Jay: I can hear you hearing me. I just don't care.
May: Hey! *tackles Jay out of chair*
*siblings proceed to fight each other across the stage and through the halls*
Mack: Well folks, stay tuned for the next chapter and hope I can call them off before we end up just having to do a May or Jay. *runs off to collect his bosses*