Disclaimer: I do not own Revolutionary Girl Utena.All hail Be-Papas/Chiho Saito/Kunihiko Ikuhara because they have the honor of creating the cast of characters I adore.
I wish that I could see her once more. I can't imagine living life without her. In the end… well, I am here. Alive. She is there, condemned. And I don't think I can live with that knowledge. The next time the nurse appears to check my vitals, I wonder if I'll tell her not to bother. For saving me, isn't worth it. I don't deserve to go on. After my pretend games of princely protection doomed someone else to eternal suffering. I'm no better than Akio.
She shuddered at the thought of that man she came so close to loving.
I don't think I really even knew enough about love to say that I was in love with him. I didn't really mean it. He turned on the charm and I fell for his tricks. Until the very end, I was falling for his schemes and believing his lies. What made me so stupid? Ha, my "prince". The love story I had convinced myself of since I was a small child. The personal delusion I used to get through life. And destroy someone else's.
Someone else. Why can't I bring myself to even say, to think, her name. Anthy. God, that hurts. Like pouring alcohol on a fresh wound. A hurt that I need.
The machine attached to Tenjou Utena began giving off a series of annoying beeps. It would take several minutes, possibly half an hour, for a nurse to appear and silence the machine. She braced herself internally to be able to withstand the shrieking noise.
It's the same way I used to ignore the alarm clock's persistent beeps when Himemiya and I shared a room. I would faithfully set the alarm each night, but it was Anthy who would wake as the first sound was emitted and shut the blasted thing off. Then she would tiptoe over to where I was hiding under the covers and gently wake me. In reality, it was Anthy who was my alarm clock, not the electronic device that displayed the time. I was always happy when I woke up. Anthy.
I think she prayed for my strength during the night. All the nights I was sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the waking tragedy lying next to me. She wanted to believe in me, so she prayed that I would have the strength to turn into the real thing. A real prince. But in the end… I failed her.
Interrupting her train of thought, the nurse appeared in the doorway. She sprinted over to the side of the hospital bed where Utena lay, and punched a series of buttons on the machine positioned nearby. The noises stopped.
"Vital Signs, Ms. Tenjou."
"Oh, um, go ahead."
"Always so polite. We sometimes fight over who gets to take you for the day, as your such a compliant patient."
"Thanks. I was wondering, could I have a drink of water?"
The nurse beamed at her fondly, "Of course, I'd be happy to get you anything you need." The nurse grabbed the pitcher of water and poured what amounted to a mouthful of liquid into a paper cup that a child would consider small. She added a colorful bendy straw and held the cup close to the side of Utena's pale face. "Be careful not to dribble on your bandages, we've already redressed your wounds today and I know you wouldn't want to go through that again, Ms. Tenjou."
"Yeah," she took a sip,"Thank you," Utena added gratefully.
"Well, if that's all you need I'm going to finish my rounds." The matronly nurse grabbed the remote to the television and put it close to Utena's hand.
"Just in case, although I know you never call for anything. Bye deary, oh, another doctor is coming in this evening to read your report. He makes his rounds in the middle of the night, so I'm warning you to expect the minor disturbance."
"Who's this new guy?"
"He will determine whether or not you will be able to walk."
Yes, I remember being told that my spinal cord was damaged. I couldn't move my body at all yet, so I wasn't sure whether I had lost the ability to walk. It was possible. They told me to be hopeful, because attitude was the most important in being able to regain my functions like a normal human being. They pressed on my feet everyday to make sure I wasn't loosing feeling. And during the times I was awake, drifting between sleep and medicine induced trances, I would press on my heart. To make sure it was still beating. It always surprises me when I feel that it's still there.
I'm worthless. I failed her. Anthy. I watched her drop away after I promised that I wouldn't leave, that I would accept the challenge, that we would escape! She's till in her cage, in her coffin, and I… I am here in mine. I don't care if I walk again! I don't care if I can't move and all I can stare at is the blank white walls and the lone clock. I don't care!
I look down at my hand. It feels so bare without that ring. I can't remember clearly, whether it is all the pain killers or all of the magic surrounding the duels. My ring is gone and I don't know how it happened. I suppose I am afraid to ask the hospital staff if they removed it when I was admitted. I have a feeling it was gone long before I arrived. That would confirm my worst fear, because the ring was all I had left… left of her.
"This ring will lead you back here one day." I remember now, what I had forgotten for so long. I wasn't wearing the ring to meet a prince on a white horse who would save me. The ring was a symbol of my promise to free Anthy from her torture. All that time, my daydreams were full of engagements, kind princes, and regal smiles. But there were pieces of the dream I did not see until that final duel, until after I arrived here.
I think that, if the ring is here, in the hospital with me, I will be able to feel connected to her. Anthy, in her ghostly chamber, stuffed with pins, her dead eyes crying out in pain. Would the ring lead me right back to Anthy? Oh God, Anthy!
The shame, the pain, the excruciating regret didn't matter. Utena fumbled with the remote, searching with bleary eyes for the "call nurse" button. She pressed it several times.
AN: My very first fanfiction! feels you all shuddering Will continue regardless of reviews. Fanfiction is entertainment and the author's personal fantasy, I enjoy imagining so let me know if you've enjoyed reading. And what could be improved if you have the chance. Thanks.