I'll Take Dumb For 100
"Hello, I'm Alex Trebek and tonight we're hosting a special edition of Jeopardy. We find ourselves on the campus of Caltech where many employee groups have competed through the week for the right to appear on this show to earn money for their departments, with matching funds to go to local high schools of their choosing. Let's meet our contestants." Alex stepped from behind his podium and walked over to the first contestant.
"Howard Walowitz, engineering. It says here that you've flown to the International Space Station. Tell me, what was the best part about getting back?"
"Not having to use a zero-g toilet, Alex." The audience laughed.
"Did you have a nickname with your fellow astronauts?"
"We prefer to be professional and call each other by our given names" Howard replied.
"Only because we named you 'FRUIT LOOPS'!" yelled a member of the audience. The crowd roared.
The camera turned and picked out the person who yelled. It was fellow astronaut Mike Massimino. "Thanks a lot Mass!" yelled Howard. Alex moved to the next contestant.
"Amy Farrah Fowler, neurobiology. I'm told that you co-host the webcast 'Fun with Flags' that's seen in over a hundred countries around the world."
"Well Alex, it's available in over a hundred countries around the world. Our viewing audience is somewhat smaller" she explained.
"And how many countries do your viewers actually represent?"
"As of this month two, if you insist on counting Canada as another country." Alex gave her a dirty look but moved on.
"Sheldon Cooper, physics. The audience may be interested to know that you are the only player ever to write up a host/contestant contract on the show. Sorry that our lawyers insisted we use ours instead."
"Clearly they prefer the inferior document. I offered to make changes to theirs but they declined."
Alex stepped back to his podium. "Because this is a special Jeopardy, we're doing things a little different today. We warned our applicants before the show that we want them to think on their feet, and today's show will prove it. The show's theme will be 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', and each category will reflect a related group of real or fictional people's answers. You give us the person, character or organization in the form of a question. The categories are..."
The headings lit up across the board as Alex read them out. "'Don't count your chickens', 'To boldly go...', 'Historical birds', 'Just for clucks' and 'Egg-cellent'. Howard, you start us off."
"To boldly go for 100 Alex."
"The answer is: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before" Alex read off the screen.
Sheldon buzzed in first. "Who is Captain James T. Kirk?"
"You are correct Sheldon. You have control of the board."
'I'll take Historical Birds for 100 Alex" Sheldon chose.
"Here, I've printed up an explanation" Alex read the answer.
Amy buzzed first. "Who is Guttenberg?"
"Correct for 100. Continue" Alex directed.
And the game continued as the scores climbed for all three players.
"To create our newest flavor ice cream, Cocky Road." "Who are Ben & Jerry?"
"42." "Who is Douglas Adams?"
"Because he should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque." "Who is Bugs Bunny?"
"To fill out form CKN 7216, "Chicken crossing road deductions." "What is the I.R.S.?"
"To properly answer that question, I will be living among a group of chickens for the next 5 years to find their motivation." "Who is Jane Goodall?"
"You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?" "Who is Fox Mulder?"
"You can't cross a road with a chicken, the genetics are incompatible." "Who is Gregor Mendel?"
"To join the other chicken in the pot across the street." "Who is Herbert Hoover?"
"It was probably being chased by Nazis for its legendary golden eggs of the Qxatlena." "Who is Harrison Ford?"
"I'm sorry Sheldon," Alex told the contestant, "the correct answer is 'Indiana Jones'. Pick again."
"Because it is there." "Who is George Mallory?"
"Of those surveyed, 45% responded "To get to work", 41% said "For leisure activities", and 14% were unsure." "Who is Gallop?"
And so it went as the game continued. Most were answered correctly, with only a few missed. At the end of the first round the scores were pretty close with Amy having a slight lead. Sheldon started a lecture on George Mallory and Mt. Everest and Alex quickly went to commercial break, then cut off his microphone.
Sheldon continued the lecture.
After they came back from the break, the game went on into the second round with more chicken questions.
"This crossing will make 3.9999999997 trips across the road." "What is the Pentium chip?"
"To get to the Far Side." "Who is Gary Larsen?"
"We don't know with certainty which particular chicken even crossed the road at what place." "Who is Heisenberg?"
"To accept an offer it couldn't refuse." "Who is Vito Corlion?"
"To get a job. Thanks to GM, all the chickens have had to leave Flint Michigan."Who is Michael Moore?"
"Elementary, Watson. Careful observation of the feet reveal that it wasn't a chicken at all, but a disguised turkey." "Who is Sherlock Holmes?"
"To have a meal of Spam, cracked corn, Spam, Spam, beetles, Spam and Spam." "Who is Monty Python?"
"The crossing should only be done within a designated crosswalk. If no crosswalk is marked, cross at a right angle at the nearest intersection. Failure to cross in such a manner is ticketable offense and subject to fines." "What is the Department of Motor Vehicles?"
"Now Lucy, I don't care how much you've trained chickens, you're not gonna be in the show!" "Who is Ricky Ricardo?"
"Come down to the big top where we have three, count 'em three rings of chickens crossing roads. The world's biggest, smallest, and fastest chickens. See the three-legged chicken! See them all!" "Who is P.T. Barnum?"
"To cross or not to cross, THAT is the question." "Who is Hamlet?"
"To get to Motel 6, always the national chain with the lowest rates, where we'll leave the light on for ya even if you are a little chicken." "Who is Tom Bodett?"
"Now what if that chicken hadn't made it across? Would her family be covered? Most farmers' insurance plans don't pay for out-of-pocket funeral costs for chickens." "What is an insurance sales rep?"
"T- -et t- the -ther s-de." "Who is Pat Sajak?"
"The chicken was lucky to cross the road. Our tests have shown that the engineering of the chicken make it unstable at any speed. With only two legs, large ungainly feet and a center of gravity too far forward of the thighs, this chicken is an accident waiting to happen." "What is Consumer Reports?"
"Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?" "Who is Einstein?"
"To promote our newest ride Mr. Chicken's Wild Crossing, we will be staging road crossings across the country and on an upcoming ABC prime time special." "Who is Disney?"
"I would have sworn I loaded two chickens." "Who is Noah?"
"Who cares, next week I plan on jumping over 24 chickens while they cross Interstate 80." "Who is Evil Knievel?"
"To become part of my new extra crispy value meal." "Who is Colonel Sanders?"
"To feel the power of the Dark Side." "Who is Darth Vader?"
And a few answers later the second round was completed. Howard and Amy were tied with $7300 each, and Sheldon lead with $8000. Alex revealed the final category, "Communication" before going to the final commercial break. Sheldon complained his buzzer didn't work as well as his personal model at home.
When they returned he reminded the players they had thirty seconds to come up with their response. He then revealed the final Jeopardy clue:
"dah dah-dah-dah/dah-dah-dit dit dah/dah dah-dah-dah/dah di-di-di-dit dit/dah-dah-dah dah di-di-di-dit dit di-dah-dit/di-di-dit di-dit dah-di-dit dit/di-dah-di-dah-di-dah"
While the final Jeopardy music played, Howard wrote down an answer quickly. Sheldon started quickly but worked a long time on his answer. Amy scribbled something down at the last moment.
"Time is up players" Alex said as the music ended. "Let's see how you did. Howard, you had $7300. What was your response?" His screen was revealed to show 'Who is Samuel Morse?' "That is correct. How much did you wager?" The lower portion of his screen was revealed to show $0.
Howard shrugged his shoulders. "I didn't feel confident enough to bet anything. I don't like throwing money away."
"You do at home!" shouted Bernadette.
"Onto Amy" Alex continued. "You also had $7300. You put something down at the last moment. What was your response?" The screen lit to show 'Who is Manfred Mann?' "That is incorrect. How much did you wager?" The screen showed $0.
"I figured I couldn't beat Sheldon" she grinned slyly. "Then I got a mental block and somehow the song popped in my head" she explained.
"Now on to our leader Sheldon. You came into the final round with $8000. What was your response?" Sheldon gave a smug look at his screen lit to show 'di-dah-dah di-di-di-dit dah-dah-dah/di-dit di-di-dit/di-di-dit di-dah dah-dah di-di dah dit di-dah-di-dit/dah-dah dah-dah-dah di-dah-dit di-di-dit dit'
Alex read the response. "That is incorrect; you should have ended your response with a 'di-di-dah-dah-di-dit'. You were told to put it in the form of a question." Just as Sheldon was opening his mouth to object Alex continued. "How much did you wager?" The screen revealed $7000. "That leaves you with $1000. Howard and Amy, you are our co-champions; congratulations!" Alex made a motion to cut Sheldon's mic as he continued. "Tune in tomorrow when we visit the campus of Stanford. Goodbye!"
As the credits rolled Alex chatted with Howard and Amy while Sheldon continued to complain.
The End
A/N: I do enjoy the Big Bang Theory but Leonard is my favorite character, so I left him out of the story. Go figure. I'll put him in the next story I get around to doing for the category.
I once saw a list of reasons for the chicken crossing, but felt that it was incomplete and quadrupled the list. Fortunately for the reader I didn't put them all in. Of course Alex Trebek knows morse code; he knows everything including the fact di-di-dah-dah-di-dit is a question mark.