Kingdom Hearts Lost Levels Volume 2: Tournament Decides

The Netherworld…

A lawless world filed with vicious monsters.

The number of Netherworlds has expanded with the rise of demons powerful enough to rule such worlds… the Overlords.

The crowning of a new Overlord is a rare and momentous occasion. Who decides when someone is powerful enough to claim a title so lofty?

Only those who prove themselves worthy can dare to be so ambitious.

Scene – The Netherworld

No self respecting Overlord could live an appropriately opulent life without a towering castle replete with gothic flourishes in the décor, a few man-eating gargoyles, and at least one torture device in every room. Despite being relatively young for an Overlord (having just turned 1000 a few centuries ago), Laharl was no exception to any of these rules. His lavish castle overlooked a scenic lake of fire and brimstone, his real estate was worth at least seven trillion of the local currency, HL (pronounced "hell" as in "HL to pay"), and he had a Warbucks, an Unsafeway, and a Bennigan's within walking distance. Truly, it was an antiparadise.

At least, it would have been quite the place for a demon to live if annoying things didn't happen there all the time. Most recently, the big fuss was over his head vassal, Etna, running off and taking her explosive penguin servants, the Prinny Squad, with her, all over an unmarked bowl of pudding and only returning after the two of them got caught up in the struggle against a resurgent Overlord Zenon. Before that, the late King Krichevskoy died in an attempt to fight off Tyrant Baal (a real Overlord's Overlord), resulting in a struggle for the throne and an assassination attempt on then-Prince Laharl by Flonne, an Angel Trainee from Celestia. While Flonne (usually referred to by Laharl as "that damn Love Freak") won over the Prince's heart and taught him the lessons his late mother never got the chance to, she found herself retitled Fallen Angel Flonne and kicked out of Celestia after she, uh, kinda helped Laharl out on an invasion that cost dozens of angels their lives, all to stop the nefarious plot of Archangel Vulcanus. Why Seraph Lamington, leader of Celestia, couldn't spot Vulcanus's evil a mile away and stop him before things blew out of hand, no one knows, but that's how Flonne ending up living in pseudo-bliss together with Laharl. This completely ignores the subplots of the feud between Etna and a demon named Maderas, a narcissistic Dark Adonis called (rarely) Vyers, some zombies who kept coming back to unlife when Laharl cut them into pieces, and a spunky crew of intergalactic heroes and their robot sidekick.

Life in the Netherworld was pretty rough and rocky, so no one was surprised in the least to find a starship made out of Gummi blocks crashing through the upper atmosphere, then careening through the lower atmosphere, then crunching through the roof of Laharl's castle and right into one of the bathrooms. No one was surprised except for Flonne, who was trying to take a bath at the time.

"Go-go-go-fo-fo-tron! Fight mo' foe, you Go-go-go… fo… TRON!" Flonne sang while staring through a mountain of bubblebath at the Gofotron program playing on her miniature bathroom television set. Nothing made bathtime quite so fun for her as the daily episode of Gofotron, what with the action, and the robots, and the justice, and the heroism, and….

CRASH!

Her ceiling collapsed.

"Gofotron, is that you?" she called up to the object poking down at her. "For real? Ooooooh, it's just like the show! I knew if I sang your theme song loudly enough you'd eventually come. This is the happiest day of my life!"

About a dozen mostly unrelated thoughts rushed through Flonne's head at once before fizzling out and leaving her lying down in her tub with a big dumb smile on her face.

"Gofotron?" she asked again. "You look different on television. I hope that doesn't mean you're being piloted by the crew of Gofotron: The Next Generation. I'm a Gofotron: The Original Series only kind of girl, but I suppose I could make an exception. Gofotron: TNG hasn't even revealed the secret identity of Secret Angel Princess Princess yet. Ooooh, will I be the first to find out?"

A hatch opened up on the side of Gofotron, and a boy who looked about Flonne's age (but was probably about 1500 years younger) climbed out. He looked almost human, but he had hair that would look wild even on the most carefree party demon and feet that would have been more at home on Pringer X than someone his size. For some reason, he carried a gigantic key in his right hand.

"Secret Leader Weatherman, is that you?" Flonne asked. "Geez, this new crew sucks compared to Gofotron: TOS. You're too scrawny to be Lodoze, some I'm guessing you're Secret Leader Weatherman. Are you going to introduce me to Secret Angel Princess Princess?"

"Who?" said the boy. "I don't know any of these people."

"The other pilots of Gofotron. His left and right legs, Secret Ops Sysop and Silent Sneaky One, his left and right arms, Snorfy Snorf Snorf and Secret Angel Princess Princess, and Lodoze, a.k.a. Secret Flaking Napstich Napstich, who is nuts."

"I honestly have never heard of any of those guys," said the boy. "My name is Sora, and my ship is a Gummi Ship, not Gofotron. I'm pleased to meet you, though."

The boy held out his hand in a greeting. Flonne thought for a moment and then stood up to shake it.

"I'm sorry for the misunderstanding," she said. "Sometimes I get a little wrapped up in my shows. I really thought you were Gofotron. I guess that's what I get for watching television in the bath, and…."

Suddenly, the reality of the situation hit Flonne like a half ton Prinny bomb. Her face went deep red, and flames shot up in her eyes.

"What are you doing spying on an innocent young girl while she's taking a bath?" she screamed at Sora. "Do you have any idea how naked I am right now?"

Before Sora could answer, she wound up her left arm and delivered a powerful uppercut to Sora's chin, sending him flying up through the roof (leaving another hole that the Prinnies would have to fix later) and into whatever room happened to be above her on the next floor. Before Sora landed, Flonne had time to slip into a bathrobe and Prinny slippers.

"That's better," she told him. "Really, you shouldn't invade people's privacy like that. It might upset them."

"So I've gathered," said Sora, rubbing spot of purple swollen flesh where his right eye used to be. "As I said, my ship crashed, and I might be stuck here in this world for a while. I was kinda hoping the inhabitants would be friendly, but Donald didn't think so, judging by the name and all the human skulls we saw outside before we crashed."

Flonne blushed again. "Um, really? Human skull? No, those are probably just Prinnies, and you'd really have to ask Etna about them. She's not in charge of this Netherworld anyway. That would be Overlord Laharl and me, Fallen Angel Flonne."

Flonne accented speech with a flick of her red forked tail and an innocent giggle. Sora inched away.

"If you've crashed here," said Flonne, "you should probably make yourself comfortable. I can't just let random strangers stay in the castle, but I suppose I could let things slide a little if you became my vassals. Does that sound agreeable to you?"

"I guess so," said Sora. "Your vassals?"
"Sure," said Flonne. "You see, I don't have any vassals of my own yet."

She added under her breath, "I used to, but they keep getting themselves killed."

"That sound like an easy job," said Sora. "I think we'll take it. Donald, Goofy, get out here! We're vassals now!"

The hatch on the side of the Gummi Ship opened up again and two more figured climbed out. The first was an uncoordinated doglike creature with a funny hat and pants about three sizes too large. The second was an angry duck with an even funnier hat and an expression on his beak that could bake a ham at fifty yards. Neither looked as if he knew particularly well what it meant to be a vassal.

"Flonne," said Sora, pointing at the newcomers, "I'd like you to meet my friends, Donald and Goofy. You guys, say hello to our new boss, Fallen Angel Flonne."

Goofy frowned. "Now just what have you gotten us into this time, Sora? I sure don't know what it means to be a castle, but if it means I have to stand still all day and let a king live inside of me, I'm not sure I like the idea."

Donald hit Goofy on the head with his fist. "Vassal, not castle, you dolt! We're vassals."

"You mean that stuff you drink at Christmastime?" said Goofy.

"That's wassle. We're vassals."

"You mean that stuff you put in your car?"

"That's gasoline. We're vassals."

"You mean that actor?"

"That David Cassidy. We're vassals."

"You mean that rock group with the flutes?"
"That's Jethro Tull. We're vassals."

"You mean that song by Dennis Leary?"

"No, we're vassals."
"You mean that object for using magnetism to launch things into space?"
"That's a mass driver. We're vassals."
"You mean where they dump all the garbage? A trash hole?"

"That's FOX Network. We're vassals."

"You mean where JFK's real shooter hid?"
"That's the grassy knoll. We're vassals."

Flonne stared at her three new vassals and decided it would be best to let Sora do most of the talking. "Are they… always like this?"

"Are you kidding?" Sora replied. "They were having almost this same conversation just a minute ago, only it was about the word orange. That's actually why we crashed. Between Donald's speech impediment and Goofy's brain impediment, it's a wonder anything ever gets said."

Flonne laughed. "I'm sure they'll make wonderful vassals. Now, if we may, let's get ready for the initiation ceremony."

Flonne reached behind her bathtub and pulled out a bow and an arrow with a heart-shaped tip. "For you to be proper vassals, you should be reincarnated into more powerful classes. So, off you go! Remember that you're doing this all for the power of Love!"

"Wait!" said Sora. "I don't think it works that way with us. Right Donald? Goofy?"
"No, that's Dennis Hastert. We're vassals."

"Never mind," said Sora. "We're happy the way we are. We'll still serve as vassals as best we can, whatever that means."

Flonne put down her bow. "Aw, I keep forgetting the basics. Story characters don't reincarnate into other classes, anyway. That's just generics."

"Whatever that means," said Sora.

"Your first task as vassals is upon you, then," said Flonne. "First, you need to put on a blindfold because I'm not done with my bath yet. Second, you need to stand next to the television and turn the volume down when the commercials start."

"Why can't you just use the remote?"

"I'm taking a bath. If it falls into the water, I could electrocute myself." Flonne giggled.

"Fine, fine," said Sora. "It looks like a commercial is starting right now, so why don't I…."

Flonne looked over at the television. Indeed, she saw a commercial, but the contents of that commercial caught her attention.

For a limited time only, get your very own Gofotron action figure with each Evil Meal at McBurgles, the television said. Be the first on your block to collect all 666 of them!

"I can't believe it!" Flonne shouted. "Last time they had that special, it was during the time when the actor who plays Secret Angel Princess Princess was on strike for more money and they temporarily killed off her character, so I was only able to get a figurine of her replacement, Secret Cranky Office Temp. This is such good news! Oooh, let's go to McBurgles as soon as my bath is over. It's not far. It's just over next to the Sea of Gehenna."

Sora's face went pale, as if he'd never heard someone so excited about a promotional deal before. He remained in that shocked state clear through the remainder of the McBurgles commercial an on into the next one. The next commercial, however, proved to be even more interesting to all parties involved.

A muscular man with wavy hair took center stage on the screen. He eyed the camera for a moment, picked at his teeth with his finger, and then smiled. When he was sure everyone recognized him, he introduced himself anyway.

You scum have probably heard of me already, he said, but for those who haven't, I am Zetta, the Badass Freaking Overlord. In case you haven't heard, there is no one else quite like me in the entire multiverse, and with Overlord Zenon turned into toast, I'm need a new person to refer to mockingly as my Number One Challenger. You know that that means, kiddies. I'm hosting a Netherworld Battle Tournament. If you think YOU have what it takes to be the next Badass Freaking Overlord, come and sign up at 1-666-ZETTA-HL. That's 1-666-ZETTA-HL. Bring your best, too, 'cause there's no one quite like the original!

Sora stared at the screen. "That has to be where the Keyhole is. I know it. Donald, Goofy, you agree?"

Donald cried, "No, that's Sarah Vowell! We're vassals."