Failure.
Everything he did, everyone he tried to help.
Ruined, tarnished.
He broke all that he touched.
He could not save her, couldn't even see what was playing out in front of his very own eyes.
He should have, though. Should have connected the dots sooner, should have figured out that the alchemist's smile was not one of a father's love but a greedy husk of a man looking at his next fortune. Should have, could have. Did not.
The rain pattered off his skin, matting his clothes and chilling him but the youth barely felt it, a thousand miles away from his body and drowning in an off kind of sorrow. He looked ahead, with the water splashing into his eyes and saw not the present, but the sequence of events that carved their way into his memory.
/Chimeras. Screeching, alien things stuck inside metal cages, foreign and grotesque. A circus exhibit of power and seemingly limitless control/
If only it was just a stranger, an innocent, nameless face that held no recognition. Maybe then it would not have hurt so much.
/Blood. Everywhere, ingrained onto the brick in a twisted silhouette./
He remembered how thick the smell was, rotted and dense, filling his lungs and his minds even as the downpour washed away the goriest parts.
/His proud smile, something not quite human glinting in his eyes./
Remembered the way Al had halted behind him, metal clunking loudly as he gasped in a particularly stinging horror.
Remembered how they stood lost boys standing in the midst of a crime scene. What a sight they must have made when the military arrived for damage control, with their calculating indifference and grey attitude
His world had gone fuzzy after that and he slipped out of consciousness periodically, catching fragments of muddled conversation.
/The skull is cracked…as if it was blown apart from the inside….
…Just like the others…./
Edward lowered his face against the rain, tears staining his cheeks. Another thought lingered in his head, dark and vicious and manifesting.
"You're no different than I am! You thought you could do it, so you did! You couldn't help but try it even if it was forbidden! In fact, because it was forbidden!"
/Tears and blood and oh god what have I done AlphonseAlphonseAlphonse mom I'm so sorry I tried I only wanted to see you again thiswasn'tsupposedtohappen forgive me please forgive me/
Was there a difference between them?
The boy shivered, the cold finally registering after what seemed like hours of sitting on the steps outside of headquarters. Faces that were slightly familiar filtered into his vision as they passed him. Everyone knew what had happened, sympathy bleeding into their expressions whenever he was in sight. He wanted to snap at them, to tell them to go shove their pity down someone else's throat and leave him alone. He imagined looking similar to a wet dog out there, alone while the sky seemed to mourn with him.
He knew he should start heading back, but the thought of spending the rest of the evening with his brother and air full of unspoken words and regrets made his flesh crawl and his eyes burn.
He saw something from the corner and turned. He was met with the sight of black boots and the standard blue military uniform. Looking up, it was the Colonel himself.
"You'll get ill sitting out here." Mustang's voice was flat and disinterested, if not slightly annoyed.
The other scowled and looked forward again against the rain.
"Why do you care?"
The man only raised his eyebrows before answering. "You're useless to me if you're incapacitated."
Edward glared, staying where he was seated and showing no intentions of getting up just to spite him.
They stayed like that for a few moments, with Mustang staring at the child and the child not meeting his eyes, until finally the older of the two sighed tiredly and started back up the stairs. He turned, dark eyes signaling that he expected the older Elric to follow, and entered the massive building.
Surprisingly, he did. He ran towards the alchemist, catching up to him as they headed to his office. The short journey was quiet, neither of them saying anything as they stepped into the spacious room.
Roy sat behind his desk. It made him seem powerful, asserting the control his rank possessed with every move he made. It bothered Edward to an extent, at just how high the man in front of him held himself, and he wondered why he even decided to come instead of going back to Alphonse.
"Fullmetal….."
The Colonel's tentative words brought back his attention. An awkward pause proceeded before he nodded his head a bit, silently telling the man to elaborate.
"Let it go."
His voice this time was sharp and direct. It demanded and ordered and left no room for objections or rebuttals as it got his point across.
The youth stood there, blank eyes focusing on a single target. His loose fists curled and his brows furrowed with a thinly veiled rage that would not stay covered for long, but the other was a smart man, expecting the anger and the red blooded temper that stained his subordinate's personality.
A wise man is never correct every time though.
Instead of an outburst, he was met with a tremor. A shaking mass of sunlight hair and steel at the foot of his desk.
"How can I?"
Edward looked up, his face weary and tired His body was tense with a weight that made it painfully clear that he knew anguish decades beyond his years.
The one who balanced the heavens atop his shoulders in order to pay for his sins.
He had a million and one answers, all bullshitted and fake, but they were attempts to move on and get over situations like these. To dwell on the past was a dangerous thing, especially in their line of work. How many isolated nights did he waste trying in vain to find ways to take back the blood and the flesh and the smoke that still lingered in his mind to this day before he was crumbling down and near the brink of instability?
The Hero of Ishval tainted crimson
Soundlessly, Roy stood up from his chair and gently maneuvered Ed to the couch at the side of his desk. The boy didn't resist, only let himself be placed, all while staring at him with sunken eyes that were too hollow to leave Mustang undisturbed. The Colonel then sat next to him and silence lapsed between the two. Finally, he put a single hand on Fullmetal's shoulder.
This time the message was clear without the use of words or commands.
"I understand."