A/N A sort of epilogue for "Some memories don't dim"...

It should be easy...I care for him...He is the most gentle man I have ever known...He has broken down all the barriers I thought would be with me for life...
No, he hasn't just broken down my barriers; he has smashed them to tiny pieces. Pieces that are too tiny to ever rebuild...and maybe that's a good thing?

But it's also terrifying.

I want him.

I can almost feel it; I've spent so much time imagining it, in private moments. All the pleasure I felt was consigned to my barely remembered past, is once more a possibility.

He can make me feel...like the woman I once was.

There was a time those words were enough to bring tears to my eyes. Like those words were unwelcome reminders of loss, of pain. A memorial, of sorts, to a woman lost to the ravages of time and horrors best forgotten, or at least hidden away.

Now those words, "like the woman I was", mean something new. They remind me how far I have come, how the woman I had buried and mourned, wasn't dead at all.

Now, when I feel like the woman I was, I feel victory, I feel strength, I feel hope. The despair it used to bring forth has been replaced by hope. If I can feel like the woman I once was in some ways; I can feel like her in more ways, with some effort.

I can allow Rafael to lie between my legs, I can allow his mouth to pleasure me in a way that was so unthinkable such a short time ago...this was harder for me to contemplate than taking his hardness into my mouth, but yet I have achieved both.

I can only laugh out loud, I have done so much more than achieved them, I really enjoy both activities. My bedroom is more alive than it maybe, ever was.

We enjoy each other. We laugh, we share so much pleasure, both of us delighting in the other's pleasure almost as much as our own.

He puts no pressure on me. Not once has he tried to progress things through that final barrier. Not once has he asked for intercourse. It still scares me...I can't let the images of the past go, they still haunt me too much...

But so do the images of Harris shoving his penis at my face...as long as I live, that image, those feelings, will never leave me. But yet I can look at Rafael, I can feel desire as I look at his hardness right in front of my face...I'm not sure how that happened? How did I get to that point? How did I break through that fear? How did I get into that position for the first time?

I wrack my brain trying to figure out how one barrier still remains intact, when all the others have been so easily smashed through.

The fear seems so much stronger at night, in darkness it seems all powerful, but his gentle touch is enough to force the army of fear and doubt into retreat when I feel his arms wrap gently around my waist, and I have a flash of brilliance. The other fears weren't smashed through that "easily", it's just the second I have declared victory, the fear starts to dissipate, until I can't believe it was ever so great in the first place.

Every tiny step was so hard fought.

But the man whose arms are wrapped around me, stood with me, never pushing, content to allow me to feel my way along, always willing to help when I stumbled or asked for help.

The first time I took him into my mouth, I was scared but...I wanted to feel him, to taste him, I trusted him, maybe more importantly...I trusted myself...

"Rafael...I want to have sex with you...but I'm still scared...I don't know how to break through this final barrier..."

He turns me over so we can look each other in the eye as we have this discussion. There is no embarrassment between us. We can talk about anything. We have worked so hard, researched and reached out, so that we can talk like this.

"Liv, there is no pressure on you...we can enjoy each other so much already...tell me what scares you, when you are ready we can approach it any way that puts you at ease..."

And just like that, I know how we have come so far, we've worked hard, we've had more than our fair share of tears and failures, but the goal has stayed steadfast. We want to be together, we want to enjoy each other physically...

"I fantasize about how you will feel as you enter me, how my body will stretch around you, I want to feel it, I know you would never hurt me, and how pleasurable it would be...but I'm still scared...and I know I would be more scared, more stuck in the past, if you were to be lying over me, it would just be too close to...bad memories..."

I try, but can't quite keep my tears at bay, but his fingers gently stroke them away, understanding them for what they are: progress.

"...but I don't want to be on top of you either...somehow it would feel the same..."

He nods softly, his features showing his intense concentration.

"So maybe we lie side by side..." he gestures to the position we have become so accustomed to talking in.

"That way you don't feel like everything is on you...we can both control penetration..."

He takes my hip and gently moves my upper leg onto his. He is dressed only in boxer shorts and I am in a pair of panties and a t-shirt, but there is no awkwardness as he gently rocks his hips against me, his hand gently cupping my butt, urging me to move my hips towards him.

I can't help the smile that spreads over my lips.

I nod softly, my hand stroking his cheek gratefully, my lips meeting his momentarily.

"And when you feel ready, before we attempt this...we will have spent time pleasuring each other...you will want it...we will use extra lubricant, I don't want to hurt you...and we will go so slowly that your body will adjust gently...and we will enjoy every sensation, every tiny movement...and we can stop at any time..."

Those gorgeous green eyes that can tell a whole story silently, are gazing deep into my soul, as they confirm his words.

My leg is still hooked over his, as he pulls me tight to his chest, his arms wrapping around me.

"But that will all happen when you are ready Liv..."

That's how we have overcome so many hurdles, with tears and fears dispelled by soft words and courage, and the knowledge that we know the steps we will take, so we can open ourselves up to the experience when it presents itself.

As I lie in his arms, I realize that I felt this fear, this doubt, at every escalation of our relationship, but as I feel my body react to his, I can't help but feel it won't be very long before this, too, seems like an unfathomably, indistinct, fear, when I let it go and trust myself.

I suppose the fear hasn't gone anywhere though, it needs to be there, it has good reason to be there...but it has maybe, become too big. It has lost its true use; it has gone from protecting me, to paralyzing me.

I couldn't see that before now...I have wasted some of the life I was so lucky to escape with, on being afraid to live.

"Rafael...I've been so afraid to just live...I've allowed the fears to build up...to where they weren't just protecting me, they were caging me."

I see him swallow deeply, tears pricking at his eyes.

"You are so unbelievable Liv..." he whispers.

"It has been so hard...it still is, just so hard...I know I should leave it behind me. I know that I was so lucky to get this chance, a chance that not all women in my position get. Lewis could have killed me..."

I hate that the tears leak out, despite me fighting them.

"But he didn't...I can't pretend the damage he did, didn't happen...I can't undo it...the marks he has left, not just the visible ones...they're real...they hurt...I hurt...but I won't let HIM, THEM, win...I'm so lucky...I have so many people willing to help me, I have you..."

There was no question in my statement, no doubt, but he nods with a smile, his hand resting softly on my heart, clasping my hand tightly.

"Lewis is dead. Harris is dead. The men who hurt me are gone. There are so many people who don't have that luxury. Too many men and women have to try to live with their monsters, to work with them, to see them at family events, to share their children's lives with them..."

"Please Liv, don't compare yourself to anyone...your pain is no less..."

I kiss him gently, cutting off his words.

"I know...it's hard not to, but I'm not...I guess I'm just realizing how lucky I am...it sounds strange to say...but if I had to face HIM, even just sometimes...how could I move forward? How could I ever feel safe?...Thank you, for being here, for supporting me...for being so patient with me..."

"You don't have to thank me Liv...ever...I love you...I should be thanking you, for taking such a huge step in trusting me..."

I know my face falls slightly at his words. I can see his worry. I take a deep breath and try not to cry. I hate the tears.

"I still have nightmares...sometimes..."

He nods softly, confirming that my attempts to hide them have been unsuccessful.

"There are still bad days...there probably always will be..."

He nods, "You are so incredibly strong Liv..."

"And you help so much Rafael...I don't feel weak when I need your help..." Our bodies are still intertwined, and I allow my hand to run down his back, trying to pull him even closer.

"It's time to get up off the mat...I don't want life to pass me by...I want to enjoy all it has to offer...I want to enjoy Noah's childhood...I want to enjoy spending time with you...I want to enjoy you..."

I bite my lip slightly, my teeth scraping across it as I fight down the fear that bubbles up.

I lean in and kiss his lips softly, wrapping my arms around him, until the need to breathe forces us to break apart, and my head moves to lay gently on top of his, allowing our hug to be even tighter, our bodies even closer...

"Te quiero también Rafael..." I whisper into his ear, and for a second I think that maybe fear made my words too soft to be audible, and I wonder if I can push the words out again, ...when I feel him nuzzle into my neck, when I feel his tears slowly slip onto my skin I know he has heard me, and he has understood me. He has understood how deep my feelings are for him, and how hard those words were for me to whisper.

In that moment, I realize how much my life is now in my hands, how it finally feels like I have found some of the control I've struggled for...who knew it would come by laying myself open, by making myself vulnerable?

The fear is not gone but I'm emboldened by all the realizations as I lean back.

My hands cup his face, softly wiping away his tears, looking him in the eye, "The words terrify me, a lifetime of fears is fluttering away in my stomach, a part of me is telling me to run, to protect myself...not to ever give anyone that much ability to hurt me...but as much as I try to deny it, I do..."

I shrug my shoulders, taking my lip between my teeth again...

"I probably won't ever say it enough, I probably won't ever say it as often as I should, because I do mean it...Rafael Barba, I...love you..."