At Your Side

Part One. Wash.

It happens so fast that he's caught up in a whirlwind with the events. So fast. And it's just as fast that everything grinds to a halt and he's thrown into slow motion grainy detail. Worse. Everything that had been blurred over before – the harpoon and the Reavers and the running like hell once it was over – is remembered in slow motion grainy detail where before it had been a blur. Like a nightmare that you couldn't quite remember. You know what happened, it's just the details aren't there. It's all detached.

It hits him in the middle of the night more than a month later. He's waking with a gasp and he can remember it all. So hard he loses his breath. It's just a simple few words that are stuck on repeat in his head.

Zoe is gone.

He's been sleeping in the huge double bed alone. Arm flung out to the side like trying to seek something that wont be there anymore. He remembers that he hates sleeping alone, always has. And just like that, he can't sleep anymore. Life slows down and he spends most of his time remembering. Whether he's in the too large, too empty, bed trying to sleep or on the bridge trying not to crash them.

Two weeks pass - two months since it's happened - and apparently he's not hiding it as well as he thought. He jokes and smiles and pokes fun at Jayne like always. It's not enough though because their ben tian sheng de captain is walking onto the bridge with arms crossed.

Mal doesn't bother to beat around the bush. "Need to know where your heads at, Wash."

Wash raises his eyebrows. "Right where it's always been, sir." He gives Mal a smile. "Square set on my shoulders."

Mal doesn't look amused or appeased. "We got a job tomorrow, Wash, and I need you here." And he's not saying here on the bridge. But focused, ready, to help.

Wash knows he's gaping a little. "Me?" Mal keeps a steady gaze on him until Wash is nodding. "I'm here." Mal looks relieved then and Wash wonders just when the hell he managed to become the right hand man. And how he didn't notice that change either.

He supposes that he can understand. Wash doesn't go with them on the job, Mal takes Jayne. It doesn't matter what Wash is now because he'll never be a fighter. But Mal comes onto the bridge and they talk. About the take and about the strategy. Wash learns a lot and Mal learns Wash maybe knows a lot more about any of this stuff than he lets on. Mal doesn't question it, just looks grateful for it.

But Wash is a decent replacement, not a perfect one.

It's good to have something else to think about but there's still those weeks where they all just stagnate in the middle of space. More often now since they have the heat of the Alliance on them. And Wash still can't sleep at night. It makes him even more inclined than usual to argue with Mal. Zoe never argued with Mal.

They always had had volatile tempers around each other and it doesn't change just because Zoe is out of the picture. Zoe never really is out of the picture anyway.

They're arguing again. Over some simple strategic point but can Wash really help it if he'd rather Mal took the cautious route instead of the 'face them head on' route?

"Rutting hell, Mal, if you would just listen to me for one-"

"It ain't up for discussion." Mal's hitting the end of his patience. "This is the way it's happening. Seems to me you should try takin' a page outta your wife's book and stop arguing." As ground out as the words are, Wash can see that Mal instantly regrets them.

It doesn't matter. Four months passed doesn't do anything to lesson the sting. Mal is shaking his head, apologizing but Wash doesn't listen. It's all down to slow motion again as his composure cracks and he's pulling back and punching Mal in the face.

He's yelling. Mal has no right to be mentioning her like that. Or mentioning her at all. It's his fault, it's Mal's fault. He lays into him again and it hurts his knuckles. It hurts more when Mal fights back. He's not one to lie down and just take a beating.

Wash's head spins and he can see Simon from the corner of his eye. Seems like it takes the doc a year to make it across the galley to them. Then a firm hand planted to his chest is pushing him back and he nearly stumbles. Simon doesn't stay with him, eyes on Mal, both hands on the captain's shoulders as he speaks lowly. Wash can't make out the words, his head still spins and his blood roars in his ears. He shakes his head and regrets it. Mal punches with iron fists.

Mal's eyes are flicking to him and Wash pulls himself up, like holding himself ready. Truth is, he feels a lot more like falling over and he wonders if he managed to do anything to Mal at all. Mal doesn't move towards him again though, just looks away and then walks away.

Wash watches before dropping his eyes to the floor with a defeated breath. This isn't how things were meant to go. Things just can't keep going smooth.

"Wash?" He's almost forgotten that Simon is still there. He doesn't bother to look up because he knows the doctor will look worried or pitied. He doesn't want to see the evidence that he's letting it all get to him and now everyone knows. "Come with me."

Simon's arm is gentle at his elbow as he leads Wash off to the infirmary.

"I want you to start taking these."

Wash looks up with a bit of shock when there's a bottle of pills placed in front of his plate to look at Simon. He frowns, gaze switching from Simon to the pills, back again.

"I'm not crazy." Even if he thinks that might not be true. Both he and Mal have been walking around for the last few days sporting several bruises that say otherwise. Mal hasn't approached him since then and Wash doesn't know whether to be thankful for the distance or irritated by it.

Simon smiles at him. "They're to help you sleep."

"I've been-"

Simon holds up a hand to stall him. "I'm a doctor, don't lie to me." He's still smiling, all types of calming the way doctor's should be.

Wash takes up the little bottle and studies it. Simon sighs after a short moment and settles into the chair next to his. The smile fades but the shadows of it are still there. "It doesn't mean that you're...crazy. There's nothing wrong with needing a little help."

"And you're offering to give it?" His eyebrow lifts unsure

"You're allowed to worry about me but I'm not allowed to worry about you?" He alludes to a day ages ago and Wash smiles with an amused shake of his head.

"Whatever you say, Simon."

He's still smiling when he takes up the pills and takes his exit.

The pills sit untouched for days before he gives in and takes them. They let him sleep without dreams. They also mean that he wakes up every morning alone. Always with an arm thrown over to the side - Zoe's side - searching.

He thinks that he should take Simon up on his offer of help. But every time he gets close to the infirmary, he loses his nerves and walks away. He doesn't want to talk about Zoe. He doesn't want to make it into something that real, something that he has to face.

He doesn't really want to face Mal either anymore but that's another thing he suspects he doesn't have a choice over. The ship isn't that large and, though they've done a good job of avoiding each other so far, they can't stay out of each other's ways forever. He didn't think that would be because Mal come up to the bridge to find him though.

The bruise that had been under Mal's eye is mostly faded already. Wash never could hit very hard and he's impressed he managed to bruise Mal at all. Not to mention guilty. But his own face looks much worse.

"Thought I'd...come see how you were doing."

Wash tries to hide his surprise behind a nonchalant look. "Good as ever." He tries to dismiss everything, play it down. He wonders how much Mal sees when it doesn't work.

Mal gives a crooked smile. "Doin' pretty crappy myself."

"Didn't think I was that transparent."

Mal shrugs but the smile widens. "You pet your dinosaurs when your upset."

Wash looks down at the stegosaurus in his hands, finger stroking between the plates on it's back. He doesn't bother to stop. "Zoe tell you that?" It's a knife going through his chest just mentioning her name.

"No."

He does a double take at Mal. "That's creepy."

Mal grins at him. "Yeah." Wash keeps petting the dinosaur while Mal contemplates him. "Couple months ago you told me you were here." Wash looks at him with a frown and blue eyes meet. "Need to know if that's still true."

"I'm fine." Mal looks skeptical and Wash knows he has every right to. "I'm dealing."

"How exactly? 'Cause mostly, I just see you sulking up here."

Mal is pushing him back onto the double bed and Wash goes down without complaint. He doesn't complain when Mal is stripping them both of the their clothes or when Mal is lifting his legs over his shoulders and when Mal's fingers are making him gasp.

He has no clue how they got here. Doesn't know what they're doing. Something about showing Mal how he's dealing. Or maybe how he's not dealing. If that's the case then it looks like Mal isn't dealing either but then he's known that since the galley.

He doesn't know which of them got them in this position but he doesn't have the thought to question. Doesn't have the thought for much of anything when Mal moves like that and sends a shock of near pain to run through him. When Mal's breath pants over his lips.

"Mal..."

He wakes with his arm thrown over the side and a solid chest under it.

"What you're doing isn't healthy."

Wash tries to hide his surprise behind a confused smile. Clueless and innocent. Simon can't be talking about what instantly springs to his mind. He and Mal are careful. How they cope isn't anybodies business but theirs. Simon isn't buying that.

"Don't give me that, Wash. You know what I'm talking about and it isn't healthy. For either of you."

"How do you even know?"

"I'm a doctor, it's my job to know when you're doing something stupid," Simon dismisses and Wash bristles. Does Simon really need to insult him to get his point across? Before he can argue the point though – or just make a dignified 'Hey!' - Simon goes on. "There are better ways to deal."

Wash sighs and looks down at the galley table where Simon's found him, absently – nervously – picking at the wood with a fingernail. "Hypothetically, and just to humour you since you don't seem to want to leave me alone," he shoots Simon a glare which seems to make Simon smile, "what is a 'better' way?"

"Talking about it usually helps."

Wash gapes at him. "Talking? That's your magic solution?" He's almost angry that Simon would let him down like this.

"There's not going to be a magic solution, Wash. You need to work through it, not ignore everything by going off and...rutting with Mal."

Wash falls silent in the face of Simon's anger. He thinks it's anger. He looks down and purses his lips before letting out an almost shaky breath.

"...I miss Zoe."

Arms are around him before he can register Simon's moving and he closes his eyes.