AN: This one is kinda dark and angsty and is pretty harsh on some characters because I was raging after some stuff in season 3. Consider yourself warned. And of course it's a bit crack too, because that's my favourite kind of fic. Enjoy!
Fitz jammed his hands in his pockets, ducked his head and kept walking. What did it matter if he got soaked through with the rain? Nothing mattered anymore. Ever since Jemma's wedding, the world seemed to have lost its lustre.
He barely ate but he never felt hungry, he was tired but he couldn't sleep, he worked crappy IT jobs because the landlord wouldn't accept 'I don't give a fuck' as a reason not to pay rent.
That wasn't to say he wasn't glad for her, really he was, but that didn't mean he could work side by side with her every day, knowing that he hadn't been good enough, that she'd found someone better, someone who meant more to her than he ever could.
So he was taking a break from SHIELD, re-evaluating his life, and the really sad thing about it all was that without his job, he found he had nothing. There was no life to re-evaluate, just a great, empty void where his care factor used to be. And even if he went back, SHIELD was so unrecognisable from what it had once been, he felt like a brain surgeon sticking plasters on kid's scraped knees. There was so much more he could be doing.
He fished the key out of his pocket and unlocked the door to his small apartment. It wasn't much, but it was home. He supposed... Glancing around at the sparseness, the stack of discarded tech, he sighed. Life was not what he'd thought it would be. Back at the academy he'd had such high hopes, he never could've imagined the sum of his life would amount to this drab corner of mediocrity.
Crossing the worn carpet, stepping onto the cold kitchen floor, he pulled the fridge open to find it bare except for half a pint of milk past its use-by date and some limp celery. He really should go to the store. Later. When he could be bothered.
He headed into the bedroom and began to peel his sticky, rain-soaked cardigan off and that was the last thing he remembered before a sting in his neck and the sweet mercy of unconsciousness.
xxx
When Fitz woke, he was in a cell. It was small but clean and comfortable. And the really tragic thing about it was that it was probably furnished nicer than his apartment. There was a soft bed, a nice desk, a comfy chair.
He didn't know who would bother kidnapping him, he hadn't been with SHIELD for months, as far as intel went he was way out of the loop.
"Anything you need Mr Fitz?"
He looked up at the sound of the polite voice. The guy sounded more like a butler than a jailer. He looked like hired muscle though. Bald head, black clothes. "Boss wants you to be comfortable."
"And who might that be?" Fitz enquired. He doubted he'd get an answer but it was worth a try.
"He'll come see you when he's ready. There's nothing I can get you?"
"Could you maybe just leave the key? That'd be helpful thanks."
Amazingly he thought he saw a smile flicker across the guys face. What kind of a prison was this?
"You'll have to talk to the boss about that and you never know, he might just be in the mood to give it to you."
xxx
The cell was not sophisticated, no poly-tectic walls or biometric locks. It was bricks and mortar, and it was strong. There was no way Fitz was breaking out of it anytime soon.
He knew too, that no one was going to come looking for him, he'd made it pretty clear that he didn't want any of the team to contact him, no one would even know he was missing.
Strangely though, he couldn't complain. Apart from the fact that he was a prisoner, his host, whoever that might be, was making his stay as comfortable as possible. He had regular and varied meals, books on a whole range of subjects. The people he interacted with were always polite, and he'd never even been threatened, let alone harmed, in any way. There was always fresh linen for the bed and his clothes, both the ones he'd come with and new things he'd been given, were regularly laundered. It almost felt as though he were being wooed in an odd sort of way. Not romantically, but he did realise he had a certain skill set and way of thinking that others might find valuable, the question was, who's eye had he caught? The question was an intriguing one.
Kebo's familiar shadow signalled his approach. He unlocked the door and held it open.
"Boss wants to see you."
xxx
A familiar voice filled his ears, sending a wave of uneasiness through him.
"How has Kebo been treating you? I told him to get you anything you needed."
The HYDRA insignia left no doubt about what was going on here.
"Ward..." Fitz should have known.
Ward flashed him a smile, as sincere as those ones back when Fitz thought they were on the same side, had appeared to be. There was no doubt that Ward was a brilliant liar.
"It's good to see you, Fitz."
Fitz couldn't say the same.
"Why am I here?"
"Because I want to help you. For a while there, I was lost too."
"I don't need anything from you!"
Ward arched a brow.
"You need it from someone and I'm not hearing any other offers. Haven't I taken care of you?"
Fitz couldn't deny that, so he chose to remain silent.
"Don't you remember how great we were as a team? What that camaraderie felt like?"
"Of course I do, but you betrayed us. Y- You tried to, to, to kill me!" Why now of all times had his stutter decided to resurface? He hung his head in embarrassment. Silence was definitely the better option.
"True," Ward agreed, ducking his head, catching Fitz's eye, a soft smile playing at his lips. "But I failed, didn't I? You were too smart for me."
What was happening here? Was Ward proud of him for making it out alive?
"I know how you've been living and it's such a waste. Wouldn't you like to be part of a team again? Do something useful?"
"You- You want me to... to work for you?" Fitz asked in disbelief. Ward must have gone completely crazy.
"No," Ward answered, still smiling that same unsettling smile. "I'm asking you to work with me."
Suddenly, he saw the situation for what it was. Emotion aside, he could use this. The team had been working on finding Ward for months, and now here he was, not only within reach, but handing Fitz the opportunity to see his operation from the inside on a plate. It was his chance to do something real for SHIELD, as an individual. To prove to everyone, including himself, that he didn't need Jemma. That he wasn't defined by his relationship with her.
Nervous excitement combined with reckless determination, coursed through him but he was out of practice with emotion. It was a long time since he'd felt much of anything.
He clamped his hands together, willing them to stop shaking.
Ward was waiting for an answer. Fitz lifted his head, took a deep breath, looked Ward straight in the eye and concentrated on getting his words out in one go.
"What would you need to me do?"
xxx
As far as tech went at HYDRA it was pretty much non-existent. Considering their new head, Fitz wasn't surprised.
He went back to his apartment, escorted of course, gathered up all the junk he'd collected and used it to start a tech division, which consisted of exactly one operative; himself.
He had enough bits and pieces to create a network, three whole computers in total, and they had internet access. That much at least put them in touch with security systems and databases around the world, allowing questions to be answered quickly and accurately.
It wasn't much, first semester academy stuff, but Ward was impressed. It made HYDRA much more functional.
Fitz was sure Ward regarded the hotchpotch set up with much more admiration than it deserved.
"If we could buy some new processors, I could get this running much more effectively," Fitz pointed out. He didn't know what the financial situation was, the base was pretty modest, but there always seemed to be cash when they needed it.
"I like this," Ward said, "you've had to work for it. Anyone can buy new stuff, this takes effort."
"It's true it wasn't easy," Fitz agreed. Getting this level of functionality out of such dated tech was rather challenging. One he'd quite enjoyed, now that he thought about it.
"Nothing worth having is. Good work, Fitz," Ward praised. And Fitz had to admit the appreciation was a welcome change.
xxx
The plan was working in part, he was becoming an important member of HYDRA but he still wasn't privy to the grand plan. Ward didn't share any details other than need to know stuff. Fitz would have to step up his game, try to recreate something of the friendship he'd once imagined them to have, if he was going to learn anything useful.
He wondered what Ward did for fun. Looking back on their days together at SHIELD he couldn't actually remember Ward ever relaxing. He was always the same serious person, never allowing himself to let go. Well maybe they could figure something out.
He found Ward studying a schematic for a defunct HYDRA base which Fitz had managed to get his hands on.
"Feel like taking a break?"
"Excuse me?" Ward frowned, looking up from the plan, as though the concept had never occurred to him.
"Wanna get out of here for a bit? My brain is fried."
Ward watched him thoughtfully and Fitz had to fight the urge to fidget under the scrutiny. Had Ward figured him out?
Eventually Ward relaxed, leaning back, crossing his arms and giving Fitz one of those smiles.
"What did you have in mind?"
Well there was an obvious flaw in the plan.
"Umm... I... Ah..."
Ward's smile widened and he grabbed his jacket.
"Come on, I know a place."
xxx
The place it turned out was a dive bar. A great place for recruiting Fitz supposed. Cautiously, he took a seat on the rickety old bar stool.
"Whiskey. Two." Ward ordered.
"Ah, I don't..."
"Sure you do," Ward insisted, sliding the glass across in front of him. "You're Scottish."
"Oh okay," Fitz agreed, picking the drink up. This was his idea after all and Ward was possibly letting his guard down, one drink wouldn't hurt. He glanced around the bar, taking in the other patrons, mostly big guys, a few girls too, and every single one of them, male and female, looked like they'd be able flatten him with one punch and not bat an eyelid over it. Being incapacitated in any way didn't seem advisable.
"Relax," Ward encouraged, "no one here would dare touch you when you're with me."
With me...
Fitz tightened his fingers around the tumbler and threw the alcohol back in one swallow. It burned, making him cough.
"Atta boy," Ward grinned, clapping him on the back.
Through watering eyes he noticed that Ward only sipped his own drink.
"I missed this," Ward offered. "Hanging out with you guys."
"Really?" Fitz always thought Ward looked like he'd rather drink dirty dishwater than spend any time with them.
"Sure. You guys were like family. Well no actually, I hated my family. What do you call people you actually care about and like?"
"Friends?" Fitz supplied.
"Yeah, I guess you were my friends."
Fitz thought Ward might still be a little confused about the meaning of the word. Friends didn't leave friends for dead on the ocean floor.
"You don't believe me," Ward observed.
"I haven't forgotten what you did."
"Your problem is that you think friendship is the most important thing."
"What could matter more?"
"Duty. Loyalty to a cause."
"You'd never put a person before the cause?"
"I didn't say that. But that wouldn't be friendship, would it? That'd be something else entirely. Just look at what Simmons did to you. She certainly showed you the difference."
The statement jarred him, knocking every word from his head, he couldn't think of a single thing to say.
Ward flashed him a grin.
"Come play a game of pool. We'll see if aim or angles are more important."
Ward got up and moved across the room, Fitz followed because he didn't want to be left alone in a place like this.
As he crossed the room, he felt calculating eyes on him, he knew he stood out as prey amongst this crowd.
"You can break," Ward offered, handing him a cue. Fitz took it with a shaking hand. He knew he had to play, not only pool but whatever else this was that was playing out between them now. Refusal might be the losing move.
Fitz leaned over the table to take the shot. He could feel the room pressing in on him, all eyes watching. Not because of the game, but because of who he was with. He willed his hands to hold steady while he took the shot. They didn't. The sound of the cue ball sending the rest of the billiards scattering rattled through his skull. He just needed a minute to gather himself.
"Excuse me," he said, laying the cue down and heading for the bathroom as fast as he could without actually running.
In the relative privacy of the restroom he took a deep breath and tried to steady his hands, gripping the edge of a rust-stained basin. As he looked around at the grime and graffiti, and then his own startled expression in the mirror, it occurred to him for the first time to really question exactly what he was doing. He was Leo Fitz, rocket scientist and SHIELD agent, and he was nice. He wore cardigans and loved prosciutto sandwiches. He didn't hang out in dive bars, playing pool with the head of HYDRA. He didn't drink whiskey and he didn't have to deal with criminals ogling over him. Maybe it was time to pull the pin on the whole thing and go back to what he knew.
A cubicle door opened behind him. In the mirror he saw the guy look him up and down, and didn't think quick enough to drop his eyes before they made eye contact.
"You looking for something?" the guy offered. Fitz quickly shook his head. Drugs, weapons, sex. Whatever it was, he didn't want it.
"Selling then? That's a really pretty mouth you've got there. Ten bucks to suck me off."
"N- No." He shook his head in disgust.
"Twenty then," the guy said, grabbing Fitz and shoving him into a cubicle. He was not strong enough, or skilled enough, to fight his way out of this.
"I said no."
"Maybe I'll fuck you, then you can pay me for the pleasure."
He couldn't let this happen and he knew Ward would never stand for it.
"Help!" he shouted. "Help!"
"Shut up," the guy ordered, clamping a clammy hand over his mouth, jamming him face first up against the filthy wall, heavy body pressed against him, pinning him there. His attacker smelled of stale smoke and sweat, and Fitz could feel the hardon through his pants, pressing against his arse. He wanted to vomit.
Suddenly the pressure against his back was relieved as the attacker was yanked back.
"Don't you know who I am?" Ward demanded.
"Some dipshit who thinks he's a big shot. What's this got to do with you?"
"He's mine."
"He was in here waiting for a job. Fair's fair."
"That's not true!" Fitz exclaimed.
"Apologise," Ward commanded.
"I-" the guy went to argue but Ward silenced him with a punch to the face.
"I said apologise."
A bloody wad of spit at his feet was all he got in reply. Ward's next blow was a kick to the guy's kneecap. Fitz saw the leg bend back unnaturally, heard the scream of agony as he fell to the floor, clutching at it. Ward grabbed the guy and dragged him closer.
"There he is," he said, grabbing the guy by the hair and forcing him to look up at Fitz. "I won't ask again."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he babbled. "It was a mistake. I didn't mean it..."
"Do you accept?" Ward questioned.
Fitz's first reaction was to say yes, just to get this horrible, snivelling person away from him, but then something occurred to him. A dangerous thought he had to test. How far would Ward go for him? Here was a way to find out.
"No."
Ward looked surprised for a second but that was quickly replaced by sadistic approval.
"Too bad," he shrugged.
"I... Wait. What?" the guy said, increasing his struggle to escape, he was smart enough at least to have sensed the change in the air. It didn't matter what he did now though, he was done. Ward promptly smashed his head into the tiled floor a couple of times and it was finished.
In the bloody aftermath they stared at each other, neither one exactly shocked but both of them a little in awe. They'd found an unlikely middle ground.
Ward wiped his hands and pulled out his phone.
"Kebo, I need a clean-up down here. Right now." He hung up.
"This happens a lot?" Fitz wondered.
"Not exactly like this," Ward answered, extending a hand. Fitz took it and stepped over the pooling blood, ending up very close to his saviour. He looked up into hard, unrelenting eyes.
"I'm a special case then?"
"Yes you are."
xxx
The first thing Fitz did back at base was take a shower. He wasn't too upset, somehow he'd known that Ward wouldn't let anything truly horrible happen to him, but the guy was filthy and he wanted to wash all traces of him away.
Ward was waiting for him, freshly showered too, when he was done.
"How are you feeling?"
"Okay," Fitz answered, because it was true.
"You're not as delicate as I remember you being."
"Lessons learned and all that," Fitz shrugged.
Ward frowned like the idea didn't sit well with him.
"I taught you some of those."
It was a statement, not a question but Fitz answered anyway.
"Yes, you did."
"I never meant to hurt you."
"It doesn't matter now."
"Yes it does. I need you to know it wasn't personal."
"I'm not sure that makes it better, being nothing but collateral damage."
"You were, are, more than that. Why do you think I didn't just put a bullet in your head? I knew you'd figure a way out of it but the attempt had to look genuine. You've tried to kill me too."
What did Ward want from him? Fitz had nothing more than co-operation to give.
"I'm serious Ward, I don't care about any of it anymore. Let it go."
"Don't say that."
"What?"
"That you don't care. You can't not care."
Fitz sighed. He knew what Ward was saying but caring hurt too much, left him too vulnerable.
"It's too hard. It takes too much, it gives nothing back."
"What if that didn't have to be true anymore?"
"I don't see how..."
Ward took a step forward.
"You really can't see it?"
"See what?"
"This," Ward said, reaching up and laying his palm against Fitz's cheek.
Then Ward was kissing him. Soft and slow, just a teasing test really.
All Fitz knew was that a willing mouth on his sent an undeniable thrill through him, and the fact that it felt like anything at all was enough.
Ward pulled away, searching his face, Fitz didn't know what he was looking for, or what he had to give in return, he said the only thing that sounded in his head.
"Don't stop."
It all became sensation and feelings of immediacy after that.
'Take this off', 'touch me here', 'do it harder', 'do it faster', 'do it now'.
He ended up on his back, Ward above him, thrusting in hard and deep, until Fitz couldn't hold on anymore and he saw stars.
Ward followed, coming inside him, then he was slipping out and strangely, unbelievably, pulling Fitz into his arms, spooning in behind him, wanting even more after they'd already done everything. Fitz felt the press of lips and scratchy stubble against the bare skin of his shoulder, he was too wrecked to care, Ward could do whatever he wanted. It wasn't like Fitz would be able to stop him anyway. As he drifted off to sleep he wondered just how far undercover operatives were supposed to go, and the last thing his sleepy mind came up with was that no one had ordered him to do anything. He'd come up with this crazy plan all on his own and as far as plans went, disturbingly, he decided it could be a lot worse.
xxx
He never went back to his own bed and the secrets began to flow. And the thing was, there weren't that many of them. Ward was basically a megalomaniac, building an organisation to do whatever he wanted them to do. He had no greater goal, only an idea of loyalty to HYDRA and a list of people he wanted to get even with. Most of Fitz's old friends were on that list.
"I could bring you his head on a plate if you like," Ward had offered once, talking about the astronaut Jemma had married. Fitz had refused because surprisingly the thought of Jemma and her husband didn't worry him much anymore.
It got him thinking though, about gifts and such. So early one morning, he offered a thought to Ward.
"They retired the bus. She's just sitting in a storage facility gathering dust."
Ward lifted his head from where he'd been pressing lazy kisses to Fitz's chest.
"Well that's no way to treat a lady."
"What if I went back? Walked in there and flew her straight out?"
"Back to SHIELD?" Ward said, a shadow descending over him.
"I could load her up before I leave. It'd be better than hosting bareknuckle fights for a box full of second-hand guns."
"How long would you have to be there? To earn back that kind of clearance?"
Ward was looking for an excuse to say no.
"I wasn't exactly planning on doing it by the book. What don't you like about it?"
Ward gave him a look as though that should be obvious.
"You, there, without me."
"Don't you trust me?"
"I think we're looking at this from different angles. I love you. I can't protect you in there."
"I don't need protection from my... Wait. What? Did you say love?"
"It kinda sounded that way, yeah."
"Why?" Fitz gaped.
Ward frowned.
"What do you mean 'why'? Why does anyone love anyone? Because they do."
A declaration of love was the last thing he expected or wanted. Getting out of here felt like a necessity now. Ward gazed up at him with far too much affection.
"Then I really think I need to do this. For us."
xxx
A burner phone and a call put in from the other side of town. Didn't mean Ward wasn't right beside him though.
"Jemma, it's Fitz."
"Oh Fitz, it's been so long. How are you?" Hearing her voice actually made him relax a little, it was so familiar and safe. No risk of her falling in love with him.
"I..." He had no idea how to answer that. Ward watched him so intensely as he spoke to the woman who broke his heart. At least she had her new husband to occupy her, Ward had no distractions. "I'd like to come back in."
"Fitz, it's so good to hear you say that. I've missed you terribly."
"I've missed you too, Jemma." That much was true. Lab work wasn't the same without a partner to share his discoveries.
"The rest of the team will be pleased too."
"How soon do you think I...?"
"Right away, of course. You never should've left."
His eyes connected with Ward's who looked like he had no intention of ever letting go. Maybe she was right.
xxx
That night, it wasn't how he wanted it. He wanted it hard and fast and to leave him wrecked but Ward wanted the opposite. He took his time, teased and petted, until Fitz couldn't stand it anymore.
"Please," he begged, "no more."
"You want me to stop?"
"No, no," Fitz shook his head. "Just fuck me now. Please."
Ward climbed over him and lined himself up.
"Anything you want, baby."
He pushed in slowly, still taking his time. Buried deep he leaned down and dropped soft kisses on Fitz's face until Fitz couldn't stand the sickly tenderness anymore. He wrapped his legs around Ward, digging his heels hard into the small of his back.
"Please..." he begged, tears rolling down his face.
"Okay," Ward finally allowed, drawing out, thrusting back in, picking up a faster rhythm. It was better but still frustrating, with enough of a pause between strokes to leave Fitz a whimpering mess each time. It was hard to tell which of the two of them he hated more in that moment.
He clung to Ward, using that silent rage, digging his fingers hard into the flesh of his muscled back to urge him on.
Fitz finally got what he wanted when Ward was close to done, the pace speeding up as he chased his own completion, all coherent thought left him, and he was reduced to a mass of boneless sensation.
When he came back to himself with Ward lying heavily on top of him, panting against his collarbone, a moment of hyperawareness overcame Fitz. He was in the midst of HYDRA headquarters and he'd just let Grant Ward fuck him senseless. And he had no idea what any of it meant.
Ward lifted his head, face flushed, eyes alight with a fierce possessiveness.
"I love you," he said, brushing a hand over Fitz's forehead and leaning down to press a firm kiss to his lips. "And one day, you're gonna believe me."
Believing it wasn't the problem.
xxx
Fitz wasn't sure how he felt about the whole situation. When he'd left SHIELD it was supposed to be a temporary thing, him getting away to mend his broken heart. Not that anyone actually said it, but they all knew. So he was going back, like he'd originally planned, but so much had happened in between. He had a new association now, and a whole new plan to follow.
"Whatever happens," Ward said, pulling him close, holding him firm, "make sure you come back to me."
Fitz nodded, because under the circumstances, it was the only thing he could do.
"But I'll come get you if I have to."
Fitz wondered if that was supposed to sound as threatening as it did.
When it was time for him to go, Ward kissed him one last time.
"I love you."
"I know."
xxx
Everyone was so happy to see him. They'd missed him. He was such an important part of the team. They hoped he was here to stay.
Only one of them noticed how altered he was. Not Jemma, who was so desperate for things to be the same, who's guilt made her almost impossible to be around, but Skye, no Daisy, the one who despite her alien DNA, had always been the most human of them all.
"Nothing's like it used to be," he confided, "no matter how much I want it to be."
"Just because things are different, it doesn't mean they can't get better. I should know," she told him in that matter of fact way of hers. He wished he could share her certainty.
xxx
Daisy was right of course. It took a little while, but things got better. They tracked Inhumans, they helped them. Made a real difference in people's lives. Everyone stopped treating him like he was made of glass, though he couldn't remember whether that was before or after he stopped flinching every time Jemma mentioned Will's name.
They hung out, they played video games, and sometimes he even laughed.
Everything was back to normal, except normal didn't feel right anymore.
He snuck out and risked a phone call. He was the one that did most of the monitoring anyway, and it would be simple enough to erase this call from the scanner log.
Ward's voice was tense when he answered.
"Fitz. Are you okay?"
I don't know...
"Yeah, of course. I just..." What? What was he even doing?
"It's tough, isn't it?" Ward acknowledged. "You care when you know you shouldn't."
It was as though a weight lifted, knowing he wasn't the only one to struggle with where his loyalties lie.
"They're just like they always were."
"I know. Having second thoughts?"
"No. No of course not. I just needed to hear your voice I guess."
He could almost hear Ward smiling through the phone, happy that Fitz needed him.
"Call any time you like."
How about never again? He was saved from suppling an awkward answer by the sound of approaching footsteps.
"Someone's coming. I have to go."
"Remember I love you."
"Okay, bye." He hung up.
"Fitz?" It was Jemma. Fitz had to work to pull his mind from one place to the other. Here he was just good ol' reliable Fitz. With Ward he could be more honest.
"Oh hey Jemma," he answered, stuffing the phone back in his pocket, and doing his best to sound casual.
"What are you doing out here?" she asked with a smile.
"Just getting some fresh air. That problem was doing my head in."
"Fitz..." she said, her tone implying that she knew he was being untruthful. "I wouldn't expect you to remain loyal to me, I'm married now. If you've found someone else I want to know all about it. I want you to be happy."
"It's... It's not what you think."
"You don't have to hide anything from me, Fitz."
That, he knew, was not true. What would happen if he just unloaded on her right now? Told her that he was fucking Grant Ward, had shared a bed with him every night? Not because he was in love or anything as wonderful as that, but because he needed to feel something, anything, even the guilt and the disgust and sometimes the ecstasy too, because Ward was good at fucking when he wasn't getting all caught up in the love side of it. She'd go running straight to Coulson and turn him in, that's what. He couldn't trust her.
"Leave it alone Jemma, you're not my best friend anymore."
The statement shocked them both, stunning them into silence. Tears welled in Jemma's eyes. He hadn't meant to make her cry.
"Jemma, I..."
"No, you're right Fitz. It was silly of me to think we could go back to how things were."
She walked off and as he watched her go his fingers itched to pull the phone from his pocket once more.
xxx
The lab was icy, but in a way it made things easier. Without Jemma right beside him he could make little changes to inventories, hiding weapons on paper and then seeing to the physical removal later. Some orders he even managed to reroute straight to storage. Tech supplies that he could use to build whatever Ward decided they needed. It would leave SHIELD short of supplies too. Ward would like that.
Daisy was the main obstacle, she noticed the tension, well the others probably did too, but she was the one that was bold enough to confront him about it.
"What happen between you two?"
"She married someone else."
Daisy gave him an unimpressed look, and to be fair he knew he was being a jerk.
"If you don't talk to me I'll tell Coulson you need more therapy."
"Dirty tactic Johnson."
"So you gonna spill or do I have to take this to the big guy?"
"Fine," he submitted, there was nothing much to tell anyway. "I told Jemma we aren't best friends anymore."
"What?" she frowned, unbelievably somehow genuinely surprised by that. How tolerant did people think he was? "But you guys are like this neat little sciencey duo. You're Fitzsimmons. You're a package deal."
"No we aren't," he snapped. "And her name isn't even Simmons anymore."
xxx
Fitz had to get out of here. Pretending was getting harder and harder.
This would be it, he realised. If he went through with this plan, he was committing to Ward, there would be no going back to his old life.
Theoretically, everything was ready, but once it was done the decision was final. The consequences irreversible.
There was only one person who had any hope of laying his doubts to rest. Only one person's assurities he sought.
He dialled Ward's number.
"I need to do this soon."
"I'm ready whenever you are. I've secured us the place in Utah. See you there in a few days."
"Tell me it's going to be okay. That I'm making the right choice..."
Ward could interpret that however he wanted.
"What you were, what you might have been, none of it matters. The only thing that matters is what you are. Who you are right now."
"I don't know who that is..."
"I can't tell you that, but I can tell you that it's a conscious choice. Decide who you want to be and do whatever you have to do to make that happen."
He wanted to be loyal. He wanted a purpose. He wanted to mean something to someone. He wanted to be good and to be worthy.
"Who do you think I am?"
"I think you're the person who brought me back to life. You can do this, baby. I know you can."
But most of all, ridiculous as it was, he wanted to be loved.
"Okay. See you soon."
xxx
Once upon a time Fitz had believed in such a thing as true love. He'd believed that by being devoted and faithful to Jemma, in the end she would realise they were supposed to be together. He wasn't so silly now. Once he'd believed love was wonderful and special and magical, now he knew all it meant was allowing yourself the potential to be hurt. It was a suffocating, inescapable prison. It was pain, not joy.
Loving Jemma had crushed him, being loved by Ward was destroying him.
"Uh-oh," Daisy said. "I know that face. Penny for your thoughts?"
Of all the people here, she was the one he trusted the most. The one he knew would at least try to understand.
"Love's funny, isn't it? I mean, it isn't what I thought it was."
"It's complicated, I'll give you that."
"It hurts. So much more than I ever imagined it could. Why do we think we want it so badly?"
Daisy gave him a sympathetic look, there wasn't much left to say, everyone knew how heartbroken he'd been over Jemma. Daisy being Daisy though, opted to look on the bright side.
"You know what I know about love? I know that when I was going through terragenesis there was one person who sat with me and defended me. One person that was willing to stand by me no matter what. I can't even tell you how much that meant."
"You're my friend."
She gave him a smile.
"Love isn't a feeling, it's action. It's making the tough calls and standing by the people you care about no matter the cost."
She was saying love came at price. Question was, what would the price be and was he willing to pay it?
xxx
Could he really do this? SHIELD was doing good things. Daisy especially was working incredibly hard to help her people. She'd always been good to him, he didn't want to hurt her. Really though, all he was doing was stealing a plane that nobody used. Oh and the guns. And the tech supplies. SHIELD or HYDRA? Friends or... Something else entirely?
He threw the switch to open the hangar.
"Hands up Fitz," came May's cool voice. He turned to find her with a gun trained on him.
"I really hoped it wouldn't come to this," Coulson sighed, acting all hurt and disappointed. Fitz wanted to smack him in his smarmy mouth for acting like he actually cared. But he reined his anger in and played the best card he held. His innocence.
"Thank you. Thank you," he sobbed. "You finally noticed." It wasn't hard to shed some tears, and they would never know why he was really crying.
xxx
Now he sat in the chair he'd seen so many others in before, Ward included.
"Why'd you do it, Fitz?" Coulson asked.
"I just... It was the bus. We were happy there."
"See, now I know you've been having a really hard time since Simmons was rescued and I could almost believe that's all there is to it, if it weren't for the weapons and the tech. Who have you been talking to? Simmons said you sounded intimate. If you've been coerced into anything, now would be the time to-"
"What would she know?"
"She's your best friend."
"No she's not! That's in the past."
"So where does your future lie, Fitz? Who are you working for now?"
"I'm not working for anyone."
"So there is someone."
"I'm done talking to you."
Coulson gave him a sad look, like he couldn't believe things had turned out this way. Fitz wasn't exactly happy with the situation either. He wished Ward was here to make things better.
xxx
Well he was screwed now. There was no way SHIELD was going to let him go. Even if he could convince them it was a mental breakdown, they'd hold him on psych grounds so he didn't hurt himself or anyone else.
He hated to think of Ward waiting for him, with no way of knowing why he hadn't come.
He missed Ward, his faith and his assurances. The way he appreciated and protected him. How he didn't judge. How he always gave him what he needed. How he loved him like no one else ever had.
He knew now he returned those feelings. He hadn't been able to admit it before, for fear of losing it, but now that it was beyond reach he could appreciate it for what it was. He'd never had a chance to enjoy any of it because he'd been too busy worrying about getting hurt again. All he could do now to honour those feelings was keep quiet. SHIELD knew Ward was out there but that was it, they didn't know he was still determined to rebuild HYDRA, they didn't know any of the details. He hadn't been able to give Ward the acknowledgement he deserved but he could still give him this much. A chance to fulfil his potential, to become the leader Fitz knew he could be.
xxx
They all took a shot. One at a time. May tried to scare it out of him, Mack tried to be oh so reasonable. Daisy came to his cell, as a friend not an interrogator, he hadn't told her anything. Lying to her was part of the price.
"We can help you, Fitz."
What was it she thought he needed help with? The most helpful thing she could do was forget to lock the door. She never did.
xxx
Coulson was the worst. He'd sit there silently, that shit-eating smirk on his face, just waiting. Waiting for Fitz to crack. For his guilt to get the better of him. He'd be waiting a bloody long time if he thought that was gonna happen. Fitz felt no guilt for trying to take something back from the organisation that had chewed him up and spit him out. All his loyalty lie with the person who had liberated him from his lonely, meaningless existence and brought some purpose back into his life.
Judgement wafted off of the older agent. Fitz wasn't the only one to blame. Maybe he could hold a mirror up and have Coulson take a look at his own disgusting actions.
"You say you only want to help me..."
"That's right. We've been through a lot together."
"If you knew, why wait so long?"
"I guess I didn't wanna believe it."
"Yeah right. You just wanted to catch me red-handed. Prove you were smarter than me."
"That's what you think?"
"That's what I know."
"Man, what happened to you, Fitz? You've changed..." Coulson said it as though his transformation was a bad thing. Fitz disagreed, he'd never felt more certain or assured.
"Someone decided to put me first."
xxx
It was a week or so later when he heard the commotion. Boots on the ground, gunshots and explosions. One so close it ripped through his cell, Ward materialising out of the smoke.
"You came," Fitz choked out. He hadn't been sure, he'd failed after all.
"I told you I would," Ward said, grabbing his hand to lead him out. Fitz knew they had to get out of here fast but he had to say something now before it might be too late.
"There's something I need to tell you..."
Ward turned and flashed a smile at him.
"Let's get out of here first. Then we'll discuss it in detail."
"Okay."
Seconds later he had the chance to prove his feelings. Ward shoved a gun into his hand and told him not to hesitate. It was life or death now, us or them.
Out in the corridor they ran straight into Jemma. Since her stint in space she'd learned a thing or two about defending herself. She aimed a handgun at them.
"Fitz? What are you doing?" she gaped.
"Drop the gun, Jemma," he said.
He didn't want to shoot her, but he would if it came down to a choice. He was sure of that now.
"Ward?" She stared in disbelief.
"You said you wanted me to be happy. That I didn't need to hide."
He knew she never meant this, but he wanted her to think about the hypocrisy of her statement.
"It's not too late, Fitz. We can still fix this. Choose the right side."
The shots sounded simultaneously. The bullet from Fitz's gun, barely grazed her right arm, Ward's aim was better, he'd hit her in the left shoulder, her weapon clattered to the ground.
Fitz stared at her shocked face, unable to think, until he heard the command to run. Then he and Ward were going, racing towards freedom.
xxx
Just when he thought they'd made it out, the world began to shake. Ward was thrown back hard against the wall, hands clawing at an invisible force which was trying to choke him.
"No!" Fitz shouted, uselessly trying to help him, they couldn't lose each other now.
He looked around to see Daisy, hand outstretched, determination written on her face. He knew the history here, but he also believed she was his friend. He had to try.
"Daisy, please. Remember when we talked about the price of love? About standing by the people you love no matter what?"
The admission made her pause to consider and he watched her fight an internal battle. Loyalty to a friend or loyalty to a cause, then she dropped her hand, the attack ceasing. He'd never been so glad she was a rule breaker.
Ward dropped to the ground, shaken and breathless, but otherwise unharmed.
"I see him again, he dies."
Fitz nodded and dragged Ward up, he couldn't ask for any more than that. She had always been a good friend to him and he wished he had time to thank her properly before he disappeared for good.
xxx
Safe at last, weeks of lies and deception and guilt crashed down on him.
"Come here," Ward said, pulling Fitz into his arms.
"I failed you," Fitz sobbed into his shoulder.
"No you didn't. I couldn't be more relieved."
"What?" Fitz sniffed.
"Tech, guns, planes, there's plenty more out there. Loyalty is much harder to come by. You stayed true. That's what matters."
"Because I love you," Fitz offered, it was the only explanation he had.
"I know," Ward said, squeezing him tighter, "I know that now."
xxx
Fitz liked it rough. Hard and fast but Ward hoped this time he'd let him savour it, take his time and show his true appreciation, because Fitz was beautiful and he deserved to be adored. It wasn't just his appearance, or his intelligence, or his naivety that made him so captivating, it was in the way he'd been broken and put back together again. Ward couldn't be sorry for the part he'd played in it, the result was too enamouring.
"What were you saying earlier?"
Something had changed while Fitz had been away. Fitz looked at him differently than before. It was like he'd dropped his guard, like he was finally allowing himself to feel the connection between them.
"I love you... I love you... I love you." Each declaration was punctuated by a kiss, pressed softly against his skin.
"Why?" Ward asked, echoing a question Fitz had asked him once. Fitz obviously remembered too, and gave him a little smile. It was the first real one Ward had seen from him in a long time.
"So many reasons. You don't judge, you let me be who I am. You support me and protect me, and every time you look at me I can see how much you want me. Mostly though, I think it's because you saved me."
Fitz leaned down and kissed him on the mouth then, slow and deep, and it continued like that, Fitz taking charge but not rushing things, taking pleasure as well as giving it. It was still good sex, but it was different. It was both of them, right here, in this moment, wanting exactly the same thing. Emotionally as well as physically. Ward knew Fitz didn't just mean being rescued from SHIELD when he talked about being saved.
They finished together, and this time it was Fitz moving towards him, tucking himself into Ward's side, curling an arm around him to keep him close.
Ward wrapped this amazing person up and held on tight. He'd never felt more at peace. Or more certain of himself and his future.
"I feel like I can do anything with you beside me," he admitted. "There's no limit to what we can achieve."
Fitz lifted a hand, bringing it to rest over Ward's heart, looking right into his eyes. It felt incredible to finally know they were in this together, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
"That's because we're a team."
Ward smiled and moved forward to kiss Fitz again, because that was all he'd ever wanted.
AN: I've been wanting to write something for these two for ages so I'm quite happy I finally managed to post this. Thanks for reading :)