"You know, just because I suck at breathing doesn't mean you have to" Delphine took in a deep breath she hadn't realised she was holding and smiled sadly down at Cosima. Laying in that hospital bed seemed like the furthest thing away from where Delphine had expected her life to be. She had moved to Toronto so she could pursue her dreams, become a world renowned surgeon and finally make her god damn mother proud. Yet here she was clinging to the emaciated figure of her once vibrant and lively girlfriend.
Cosima had been sick for months, it started with a small cough, it was winter it seemed like nothing. Then one day Delphine came home from work and her entire world shifted.
6 months ago
"I'm home, ma chérie". Silence. Usually Cosima was there at the door arms frantically waving while she explained something exciting that happened to her that day, but today only silence greeted Delphine at the door.
"Cosima?" Delphine stalked through their one bedroom apartment. Maybe Cosima was just having a nap, she did have that nasty cough, maybe she is just sleeping it off she thought to herself as she moved towards the back of the apartment and towards their bedroom. As she entered Delphine noticed the shower in their en suite was running and she smiled to herself. She tried to push the door open but for some reason it wouldn't move.
"Cosima?" no answer. "Cosima? Chérie are you in there?" still nothing. Delphine tried the door again this time harder. She managed to push it just enough that she could see through the crack. Her heart started racing and she pushed the door enough that she could squeeze through, dropping to her knees she manoeuvred the weight of her seizing girlfriend onto her side.
"You're okay, I have you. Everything is going to be okay. Shhh, shhh." She whispered as she tried to dial 911 with her free hand. "I need an ambulance, my girlfriend she is having a seizure." Slowly the panic began to subside as the doctor within her took control.
"she was seizing when I arrived, but from then it lasted about 2 minutes. She is conscious but appears to have no awareness of her surroundings, her trachea is filled with blood " Delphine recounted as quickly as she could to the paramedics as they loaded Cosima onto the gurney and into the ambulance.
"I'M A DOCTOR" she shouted as they wheeled Cosima through a pair of double doors and away from Delphine.
"ma'am, let the doctors do their work, come on I will take you to the waiting area" the nurse carefully guided Delphine by the arm to a small grey room, "the doctors will come and talk to you when they know more, please take a seat". The room was too small, and the lights were too bright. Delphine paced, realising she should probably call Sarah, or Felix, someone, anyone.
"hey, um I'm here for Cosima Niehaus" Sarah stated awkwardly to the bored looking receptionist.
"Yeah, er, Mark, can you take these lot through to the waiting room, they are with the French woman" a male nurse took the rag tag group towards the waiting room and opened the door ushering them inside.
"What the fuck happened Delphine" Sarah asked, unsure whether to be angry or terrified.
"Come on love calm down, let Delphine explain." Siobhan gestured calmly to Delphine encouraging her to fill in the gaps.
"I came home and she was just on the floor in the bathroom, I couldn't open the door, she was blocking the door and she was having a seizure, there was a lot of blood. So much blood" Delphine tried to explain. Suddenly noticing the dried blood on her hands she began rubbing, trying to get rid of the remnants of what had just happened.
"You must be with Ms Niehaus? I'm doctor Dierden, Cosima is awake and responsive now if you would like to see her". He looked more like a Calvin Klein model than a doctor but Delphine didn't care, as long as she got to see Cosima was okay. "I will just go get the results from your MRI and CT scans Cosima and then we can discuss what went on here, okay?" Dr Dierden said as he left the room.
"Aye, aye captain. Hey, guys. Could someone pass me my glasses, still blind as a bat over here" Cosima joked as her family entered the room.
"Your glasses, merde, it all happened so quickly I didn't even think I'm sorry chérie" Delphine spoke quickly lowering her eyes in shame.
"Ah don't worry about it, this new perspective makes even Sarah's hair look good". Sarah threw a death glare in Cosima's direction while simultaneously smiling at the fact her sister seemed to still have her sense of humor.
"So as you can see here there seem to be some masses on your lungs, kidneys and trachea Cosima, that would explain the cough you said you had for the last few weeks. Currently we can't identify them so I would like to schedule a biopsy in order to see whether they are malignant. I would also like to keep you in over night to ensure you didn't suffer any adverse effects from the seizure"
Present Day.
"what're you thinking about?" Cosima nudged Delphine out of her daze.
"Nothing, I think I am just a little tired." Delphine tried to mentally shake herself to stay present.
"oh yeah, totally, me too. Would it be alright if we tried to get some sleep?" Cosima smiled wearily. Delphine started prepping the cot next to Cosima's hospital bed, "could you stay here until I fall asleep?" Cosima asked so quietly Delphine almost didn't hear her, she knew Cosima hate being seen as weak so she climbed back into the bed and slowly stroked her girlfriends hair as she fell asleep.
2:31 AM
"You're okay, I'm here. Je 'taime, je t'aime." Delphine whispered as she rubbed her girlfriends back and held a tissue in front of her mouth. Cosima was coughing again, the hacking kind that made her entire body shake and her breath wheeze afterwards. Delphine kept rubbing slow circles on her back long after the coughing fit was over, cradling Cosima in her arms as gently as she could. She didn't move until she was certain Cosima had fallen back to sleep. Eventually she moved herself back onto the cot and finally let herself go, the tears fell hard, she bit down into the quilt to try and muffle her sobs. This was so far from where she thought her life would be.
4 Months Ago
They had been in the hospital too often in the past 2 months it almost felt like a second home now. Cosima had been for test after test and yet the doctors could still not find a reason for the polyps on her organs. Her cough had gotten worse, she coughed up blood almost every time now and she was exhausted all the time.
"So you found a stem cell donor, but this will only be a treatment? Are we talking trying to just extend my life now instead of a cure?" Cosima pushed, clearly annoyed and exhausted from the lack of answers. She wasn't sure how long she could keep this up, constantly being poked and prodded. Suddenly Delphine took her hand and with one look Cosima knew she would fight till the end, looking over at the hope in her girlfriends eyes Cosima knew she was doomed.
"The stem cells are a treatment plan yes, but with the extra time we can try to find a cure Cosima, this is your best bet I'm afraid. We would like to start you on a course of high dosage chemotherapy for a week prior to the stem cell transplant. You will have to stay in the hospital for the duration of this. I would like to get this started as soon as possible, so I have scheduled you in for 2 days from now, Monday, if that is okay" Dr Dierden replied solemnly while pretending to flick through his notes, he hated giving bad news it was never something he excelled at.
The drive home was quiet, neither of the women quite knew what to say so they sat there silently holding each other hands as if it was the only thing tethering them to reality.
"will 4 sets of pyjamas be enough? How many books do you want me to pack? In fact, you can borrow my kindle that way you can read whatever you want" Alison buzzed around frantically throwing anything and everything into a duffel bag and into the car.
"Alison, chill okay. We are only a 20 minute drive from the hospital, if we forget something someone can come back and collect it, no biggie" Cosima waved her hand to hurry Dlephine. "Come on Del, Alison is gonna burst an aneurism if we don't leave in the next 10 seconds" Alison Huffed as Delphine and Cosima eventually climed into the car, 10 minutes late. "Always kinda late so always kinda sorry Ali, you know this."
The first three days were fine, Cosima was hooked up to a central line and life seemed to go on as normal. Delphine had taken the week off so that she could be there as much as possible, she had a cot set up next to Cosima's bed, Cosima almost had to force her to go home and have a shower. Sarah, Felix, Alison, Siobhan and Helena came to visit in the evenings with tales of how their days had been and what they were going to do that night. Everything was fine, a little boring being cooped up in a hospital all day, but fine nonetheless.
Delphine was finally back in the car and on her way to the hospital, Cosima had practically forced her to go home and shower. She had to admit she did feel much better now, her hair seemed to have a little life in it again, and she could smell Cosima's soap she had used on herself. Pulling up in the parking lot she felt a little bit guilty at having taken so long, so she hurried back to into the building and up to Cosima's room.
"How are you feeling chérie?" Delphine asked placing a soft kiss on Cosima's forehead.
"I'm okay, yeah, okay." Cosima faltered slightly lifting her finger up to her lips and swallowing roughly a couple of times. Delphine pulled her chair up next to the bed and lightly stroked Cosima's dreadlocked hair, as she pulled her hand away her face fell staring at the clump of hair that fell easily from her girlfriend's head.
"Del, bowl. Pass the bowl" Cosima suddenly blurted pointing at the sick bowl on the rolling table by the bed. Delphine moved as fast as she could and just managed to catch the first round of vomit. Cosima's body convulsed as she emptied the contents of her stomach into the small bowl, the entire time Delphine kept a strong arm around her back gently soothing the smaller girl. Once it was over Delphine gently laid Cosima back into the pillows on the bed.
"I think I'm dying" Cosima managed weakly, eyes searching Delphine's for signs of strength.
"Non, non, I won't let you. Just rest chérie, just rest" Delphine said with as much compassion as she could muster.
The next 3 days followed in similar fashion, Delphine tried to keep positive. She promised herself she would stay strong for Cosima.
3 Months Ago
Walking around the supermarket it was as if the last 3 months of their lives had been a dream. Cosima was staring intently at two bottles of red wine.
"Which one should we take? Or should we just get both? Yeah, we'll get both" her tongue poked between her teeth as she placed both bottles into the basket in Delphine's arms and winked mischievously at her girlfriend.
"I'll get it" Felix shouted as the door to his loft echoed the knock on the other side. "Ladies, please come in" he gestured to where the rest of the family were gathered around his coffee table already in varying states of intoxication.
"Cos, finally, what took ya so long, I've 'ad a shot poured out for ya for like 20 minutes" Sarah slurred as she draped her arm around her sister and practically poured the alcohol down Cosima's throat and dragged her to where Alison, Helena and Felix were now sitting.
"It has been a remarkable recovery so far hasn't it" Siobhan said quietly sitting next to Delphine who had awkwardly perched on the other side of the room while watching her girlfriend frantically explaining something to others, hands flailing in wild gestures.
"Uh, yes, quite remarkable. Dr Dierden thinks it could work for up to a year from tests they have tried" Delphine replied downing her whiskey and marvelling at how alive Cosima looked.
"Make the most of it love, life is short and love like that doesn't come around that often, another drink?" Delphine nodded and Siobhan patted her shoulder and moved to the kitchen to pour them both a whiskey, the wine long since forgotten.
Suddenly Delphine felt herself being tugged into a standing position.
"Dance with me" Cosima twirled herself pulling Delphine closer to her and wrapping her arms around the taller woman's shoulders as a song started to play.
I know you've read between the lines
I don't wanna fight this
I like this
I shut you out a thousand times
Almost can't describe it
When we kiss
Delphine lazily wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's waist swaying slowly to the music. The whiskey left a warm feeling in her stomach, but the heat in her chest was completely down the smaller woman looking into her eyes as if nothing else in the room existed.
Colors ignite, I'm flying tonight
And god I just can't look down
Scared to death you'll be gone if I hit the ground
"I love you Del, Like I really love you" Cosima was now resting her head against Delphine's shoulder.
"What ever happens, I want you to know that I love you, I have loved you since the moment we met." Delphine could feel every nerve ending in her body, the entire room felt alight.
"Je t'aime, I love you too Cosima. I will never leave you ma chérie"
I'm gonna give you every part of me, oh
I wanna let you in this heart with me, oh
You fit my broken pieces perfectly
So I'll follow, I'll follow
I'll follow.
As the song finished Delphine pulled Cosima into her lap on the sofa. As she nuzzled her girlfriends neck she thought to herself how the hell did she manage to get so lucky to love and be loved by such an amazing woman.
Present Day.
Cosima woke feeling the constant pain in her temples, reaching for her glasses she looked to her right to see Delphine still blissfully sleeping in the cot by the window. For a while Cosima just laid there and watched her girlfriend's even breaths. She hadn't seen Delphine look so calm in a long time, the constant furrow of worry in her brow was gone. Sleeping she seemed so peaceful so blissfully unaware of what was happening in their lives. Cosima wished to just stay in that moment forever. Unfortunately Cosima didn't seem to have much luck in the wish department because in that moment Delphine's eyes fluttered open.
"Morning sleepy head" Cosima smiled and shifted herself into a sitting position.
"Were you watching me sleep?" Delphine mumbled, voice still full of sleep.
"Not like in a creepy way, it was totally endearing though"
Delphine slowly stretched her arms high above her head, her t shirt rising slightly to reveal a small band of her toned abdomen causing Cosima's breath to hitch slightly and resulting in a small coughing fit. Delphine was up fast and right at Cosima's side smoothing her thumb over Cosima's hand.
"I have to go into work today, but Sarah said she would stop by soon and stay with you until I return" Delphine's voice was full of guilt, she hated leaving Cosima, but she had obligations to fulfil. Since Cosima had relapsed Delphine took a less demanding research role at the DYAD institute, dreams of being a surgeon shelved for the moment. She hoped with the advanced equipment at the DYAD she may be able to make a breakthrough in finding a cure for her girlfriend, so far she hadn't had much luck but she was still hopeful.
"Yeah, you go get yourself ready. Wear that power suit I like, I wanna think about you while you are gone" Cosima winked as Delphine chuckled and moved to the bathroom to get ready.
"Is this the suit you mean?" Delphine sauntered out of the bathroom, her blouse was completely unbuttoned revealing a black laced bralet.
"Er could you put some fucking clothes on. All for sexual freedom an' that but not in front of me ye?" Sarah turned away leaving Delphine to turn every shade of red known to man. Quickly doing up her blouse Delphine grabbed her bag and kissed Cosima good bye and only slightly waved to Sarah.
"How you feeling Cos?" Sarah asked frankly as she plonked herself into the chair next to Cosima's bed.
"Honestly, I have felt better" Cosima admitted as she readjusted the cannula in her nostrils and struggled with the pillows behind her. Sarah stood, gently moving Cosima forward and arranging the pillows so she could sit more comfortably.
"I don't think we could do this with out you Cos, like I don't know what we would do." Sarah gripped Cosima's hand feeling slightly embarrassed at her sudden outburst of emotions.
"You'll be fine, I did kind of want to talk to you about that though. If they can't find a cure, like if I die, I need you to promise me something" Cosima was scared, Sarah could hear the desperation in her voice.
"Cos, don't talk like –
"No Sarah, If I die I need to you promise me that you'll watch out for Delphine. She doesn't really have anyone else, I need you to promise me that she will be okay." Cosima's voice was shaking, allowing herself to think this way was killing her almost as much her own damn body.
"She'll always have a place with us Cos. Always" Sarah couldn't look her in the eye, the thought of losing Cosima was inconceivable. They sat there in silence for a while, the air thick as if having said it out loud made it so much more real.
2 Months Ago
"Amsterdam? When did you decide this? Were you going to tell us or were you going to just swan off in, in a puff of pot smoke?" Alison was pacing and shaking her head.
"Ali, we are only going for a week. It's not like we are moving to the Netherlands" Cosima smiled as she packed another jumper into her case.
"Del and I just need to get away, the two of us for a bit, you know?" Cosima hated the guilt trip she was playing but she did really want to get away for a bit. She loved her mismatched family with all of her heart but she just needed some alone time with Delphine. Plus she had promised to get Delphine baked one day and from the way her life had gone in the last 4 months there really was no time like the present.
"Oh sweetie, I know. At least let me give you a ride to the airport?" Alison offered Pulling out her car keys and gesturing the women to load their suitcases into her boot.
"You know we have 8 hours to kill, the mile high club has always kind of been on my bucket list Del" Cosima nibbled on Delphine's earlobe as she unbuckled her seatbelt and walked slowly towards the toilet.
"Cosima, open the door it's me" Delphine whispered and Cosima dragged the taller woman into the cramped space. Cosima started kissing Delphine's neck gently, working her way down to her collar bone slightly nipping at her skin.
Delphine pulled their lips together slightly more forcefully than she intended, Cosima's mouth tasted of breath mints. Unbuttoning Delphine's blouse Cosima resumed kissing her collar bone and slowly moved down to her breast. Teasing Delphine's nipple with her tongue Cosima felt her body react, Delphine's nipples erect Cosima continued to kiss down Delphine's abdomen.
Delphine had to bite onto her knuckles as she felt Cosima's hand slip between her thighs. Cosima slowly thrust two fingers inside Delphine, purring at how wet her lover already was. Cosima thrust her fingers in and out while her tongue suckled and swirled on Delphine's clit.
Delphine could feel the pressure building, looking down she locked eyes with her girlfriend as she melted into the euphoric bliss of her orgasm. Cosima stood Placing her own fingers in her mouth and sucking.
"Your turn" she smiled wickedly as Delphine pushed her against the wall and returned the favour.
Amsterdam was beautiful, Cosima had never felt more alive. Walking over every canal holding Delphine's hand was the definition of perfect in her eyes. The pot probably helped.
Every night that week they dined out at fancy restaurants, drank at bars hidden down side streets and fell into bed in the early hours of the morning totally wrapped up in each other. It was as if they were different people with different lives. It was as if Cosima was never sick, they were just two young lovers free to explore the city however they pleased.
Present Day.
Delphine was tired. Her and Scott had been working on Cosima's cure for over a month now and still they seemed to be getting nowhere. Staring at another failed trial she threw her laptop off the desk and swore angrily.
"Hey, Delphine we'll get it. Another failed attempt just means we are closer to figuring it out. Look we can set the next one up tonight and tomorrow morning we'll see, it could be the one" Scott tried encouragingly.
"MERDE, I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY MORE NIGHTS WE HAVE TO JUST SEE IF IT'S THE RIGHT ONE SCOTT" Delphine shouted, immediately regretting is as Scott flinched at her raised voice.
"Sorry Scott, I know we have to keep trying, but it's too slow." Delphine pulled out her phone and quickly sent off a text to Dr Dierden telling him that their latest gene therapy trial had failed.
"Could you set up the next trial, I am tired, I think I am going to call it a night" Scott nodded as Delphine picked up her bag and left.
Delphine pulled into the hospital car park and turned off her engine. She sat there staring at the steering wheel trying to compose herself. "Be strong for Cosima" she whispered as she climbed out the car and started towards the building.
"Hey, I missed you." Cosima sleepily whispered as Delphine entered the room. Sarah had texted telling Delphine she was leaving a few hours ago when Cosima had fallen asleep.
"I missed you too" Delphine gently kissed Cosima's forehead. Cosima shuffled in the bed to make enough room for Delphine to slide in next to her.
"No luck today?" Delphine shook her head, she hated feeling like she was letting Cosima down.
"Non, I am hopeful for tomorrow though" she tried to keep her tone light, not wanting to let her personal doubts creep into her voice.
Cosima felt smaller in Delphine's arms, she had lost even more weight. Her once strong body was betraying her and Delphine felt so helpless. Gradually Cosima's breathing deepened as she drifted back to sleep, the constant wheeze worried Delphine.
"I'm going to save you, I'm going to save you even if it kills me" Delphine threw that promise into the universe hoping that somehow, she could will it into existence.
"I know. And I love you" Cosima whispered back as she nuzzled closer into Delphine's chest.
1 Month Ago
It started slowly, Cosima slept in in the mornings a little longer than usual. Her appetite dwindled slightly, nothing out of the ordinary. Delphine had just started work at the DYAD institute, offered the job with the promise of being able to work to find a cure for Cosima. She was working long hours, she wasn't home as much, she didn't notice Cosima had started to nap in the afternoons, Cosima didn't tell her either.
"Delphine, your phone is ringing. It's Cosima" Scott shouted from the other side of lab. Delphine rushed over latex gloves still covering her hands.
"Delphine, can you come home. I don't feel so great" Cosima's voice was shaking, it sounded like she had been crying. Delphine hung up, immediately shouting to Scott that she was leaving and to continue working.
She was sure she was breaking some traffic laws, but she had to get back to Cosima. Something was wrong she knew it. Throwing the handbrake on Delphine jumped from the car practically sprinting back into their apartment. Cosima was laying on the sofa her lips tinged red with blood, her whole body was shaking.
Delphine stood stock still, flashing back to the image of her girlfriend on the bathroom floor all those months ago. She shook herself back to the present, moving slowly over to Cosima's side.
"What happened" she said as she gently smoothed her hand over Cosima's now feverish skin.
"I felt a bit dizzy, so I laid down and then I started –
Cosima interrupted herself as her body was wracked with a coughing fit worse than before. Delphine Grabbed the box of tissues from the coffee table and gently propped Cosima up as she coughed slathers of blood into the tissue in Delphine's hand.
-"coughing" Cosima wheezed out the rest of her sentence, shut her eyes tightly and brought her hand to her chest in pain.
"I am going to get a thermometer and a cold cloth to try and cool you down, you seem to have a pretty high fever. Try to stay on your side in case you cough again chérie"
Delphine's hands were shaking as she soaked the cloth under the cold tap. It's too soon, she shouldn't be sick again, it's too soon. She kept repeating it to herself in her head.
Delphine wiped Cosima's forehead clean of sweat. Cosima's eyes were still tightly closed and her breathing was shallow.
"Cosima, open your eyes for me okay. Keep breathing, Keep breathing." Delphine whispered as she dialled Sarah's number.
"Sarah, we need to get Cosima to the hospital are you close"
"Yeah I can be there in 5 minutes, S is with me"
Delphine kept dabbing at Cosima's brow and soothingly telling her it would be okay.
"Shit, Delphine what's happening" Sarah stood worriedly in the doorway.
"She has high fever and her breathing is very labored, can you help me get her into your car?" Delphine was trying to stay calm but her voice was shaking.
"Just keep breathing, you're going to be okay. Je t'aime." Delphine repeated this over and over again as she held Cosima's head in her lap in the back of Sarah's car.
"We need a gurney, and Dr Dierden now" Delphine demanded as she carried Cosima almost limp into the emergency room.
"I've got her Delphine. I need a 6.5 intubation tube and…" the rest of Dr Dierden's sentence was cut off by the closing of the doors. Again Delphine, Sarah and Siobhan were ushered into the grey waiting room.
Suddenly Delphine crouched over the trash can in the corner of the room, emptying the contents of stomach. She felt a strong hand on her back.
"She's gonna be alright, Cos is a fighter. She is gonna be fine" Sarah spoke confidently as she guided Delphine to a seat. She couldn't think straight, how had she not noticed. There must have been signs. Her vision blurred and she realised she was crying, Sarah wrapped her arms around Delphine's shoulders practically holding the taller woman upright.
Present Day.
Delphine woke blearily to the sound of her phone ringing.
"Mon dieu Scott, Quelle heure est-il? erm, what time is it sorry"
"5 AM, sorry to wake you but I think we have a break through" Scott spoke so quickly Delphine almost thought he'd said they'd had a break through.
"Delphine, I think we cracked it. We will need a few weeks to be sure I think. But Delphine it's working" Scott's excitement sparked Delphine into life. Practically jumping from bed she threw on some clothes and left Cosima a note.
1 Month Later
Sarah Paced frantically listening to Delphine and Dr Dierden explain how the cure was going to hopefully work.
"So you are saying, it might work, like we have waited this fucking long for her body to maybe just give up mid cure?" Sarah angrily shook her head.
"It took a while to perfect and gene therapy is a relatively new research field, these things can have complications. And yes Cosima, your body is under a lot of stress right now, introducing something new may cause your body to reject and attack itself" Dr Dierden explained as gently as he could.
1 Month and 1 Week Later
Delphine sat holding Cosima's hand. Cosima had been in a coma for a week now, her body fighting hard to repair itself.
"Chérie, I know you can hear me. Come back please come back to me. Je t'aime" Delphine could see her tears dropping onto Cosima's limp hand. She hadn't moved from Cosima's side for the whole week, she was so tired but she knew Cosima was in there fighting to come back to her. She knew.
2:31 AM
Delphine woke to the feeling of her hair being smoothed down. She nuzzled closer to touch. Suddenly aware of her surroundings she sat bolt up right her eyes met with the bright brown ones she had come to call come.
"Sorry if I woke you. I love you too Delphine, I love you too".