A/N : After I published "Study in Pink" parody I got many requests to continue with next two episodes... So I did. :D This is 'Blind Banker', sit back and enjoy. I don't know if it's as much fun as the first one... PLEASE COMMENT!
CHINESE MUSIC: (Plays softly)
TEAPOT: I'm a little teapot!
SOO LIN: It's our eastern, Chinese wisdom, that you make tea…
BRITISH VIEWERS: And you drink it. Oh, how wise those Asians are! (raising cups, pinkies up)
SOO LIN: … and you pour all it over a teapot, because drinking water with dried plants' parts is stupid. How you all could be fooled that we drink this stuff is beyond me.
NICEGUY: I want to be a teapot, so you can pour yourself all over me. No, wait, that's not it. I want to pour myself all over your teapot…. No, that sounded even worse. I think I'm in lesbians with you.
SOO LIN: Niceguy, you should know that I consider myself married to my teapots, and while I'm flattered by your interest…
NICEGUY: So, it's official now?
SOO LIN: As the old Chinese Master says: "No bloody way in hell!" (stalks off)
NICEGUY: Damn. I've got a girlfriend now! Hooray!
VIEWERS: Ha, ha, ha! This time I KNOW it's 'Sherlock' and I'm not tempted to check if it's really it. No, really! (casting a sidelong glance at TV schedule).
SOO LIN: La, la, la… Oh, there's some dramatic music in the background. I'm too pretty to be killed, if it's some horror movie, so I'll check what is this all about….
DRAMATIC MUSIC: (plays louder and louder)
SOO LIN: (takes the drape off the statue) AAAGH, NAKED WOMAN, AAAAAAGH! Oh, look, yellow paint. How nice.
SHERLOCK
BLIND BANKER
CREATED BY 'SO WHAT' MOFFAT AND 'THINK GAY' GATISS.
STARRING BENEDICT 'THOSE $#%% CHEEKBONES' CUMBERBATCH AND MARTIN 'THOSE %#^& JUMPERS' FREEMAN… AND A FEW GUYS YOU MIGHT RECOGNISE FROM FIRST EPISODE.
Shortened by MILWAUKKE MEG
CHIP'N'PIN MACHINE: Are you British?
JOHN: Of course I am!
CHIP'N'PIN MACHINE: Then I shall TAUNT you, because I'm French! You're a son of a silly person, and you can't even scan dairy properly. I'm laughing so hard at you, ha, ha, ha!
STRANGE ARABIC MAN: DIE, INFIDEL, DIE!
VIEWERS: Now that's what I call an entrance… Wait. What the… ?
MOFFAT: WHAT THE… ? (flipping through script)
GATISS: Wow. I wrote this? (flipping through script)
CHIP'N'PIN MACHINE: Oh, no, no, no, you're NOT buying lettuce. I know the ones like you, you'll chop it, when it should be torn. It's a crime, I'm NOT allowing you to spoil the finesse art of cooking!
STRANGE ARABIC PERSON: DIE, INFIDEL, BY THE POWER OF COOL SWORD.
BENEDICT: Er, guys? Some help, maybe? This man wants to kill me. And the sword is a bit sharp on the end that is poking me. Help?
MOFFAT: (flipping through script) Don't be such a baby, take it like an ACTOR!
CHIP'N'PIN MACHINE: You really think, you very unwise person, that I shall let you go so easily? I snicker at you, and I spit on your British bankcard! Now go, before I taunt you again!
JOHN: Wait! You're bad to humans! And a machine must preserve humanity, so if you're bad for humanity, you must self destruct!
CHIP'N'PIN MACHINE: Oh, no! No! I must self destruct immediately. … FOOLED YOU! Now run, before I think of something more than a cool name for my machine labour party Skynet.
BENEDICT: LOOK! THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK!
STRANGE ARABIC PERSON: Where? … OUGH! (while being dragged out of the set) Wait! Is this 'Indiana Jones 5: Last ad – denture' set?
MOFFAT: Nope.
STRANGE ARABIC PERSON: Damn. I must have taken a wrong turn in Germany. Do you know how to get to Hollywood?
GATISS: Try other side of the Atlantic, strait ahead, turn left when you're passing big green lady with a burning stick and when you'll miss by inches a space shuttle turn right… And we've got to make that epic fight canon, Moffy.
SHERLOCK: I'm completely innocent, no strange, Arabic guys here. I'm just sitting, innocently, not fighting… Reading…
JOHN: Yeah? And I fought with chip'n'pin machine… You've got some cash? I need to buy a AK-47 and a flamethrower, go back to the shop and…
SHERLOCK: Considering that you're just my flatmate who moved in not so long ago, I'll let you take my card. And I'll even tell you my PIN. And my account number. And the passwords that Mycroft gave me that activate nuclear missiles on Cuba. And my bra size…
SHERLOCK: … and your new computer password. 'John123' is just insulting.
JOHN: Listen, Sherlock, could you lend me some cash? I destroyed the damn machine, but the shop owner was French too, and he didn't want to let me have my wicked way with this lettuce and…
SHERLOCK: We're going to the bank!
JOHN: Wow, that was unexpected. To think that you actually listened to me speaking….
JOHN: … is, as always, a proof that I'm an idiot.
SHERLOCK: Ah, Sebastian! I brought my friend, so that you know I'm not a sore loser and can make one.
JOHN: I'm his colleague, and he IS a sore loser.
SEBASTIAN: I hate you Sherlock, I bullied you at the Uni, and it's a bit sad that you had no life and had to get off on our sexlife. I'm laughing IN UR FACE, creep.
SHERLOCK: I'd like to tell you to take a long excursion to very tropical and dangerous places that are swarming with alligators, but you've already done it twice this month…
SEBASTIAN: So, we had some laughs at you, now down to the business. For the sake of good old Uni times we all miss, come and help me. Someone broke in and painted our founder yellow.
JOHN: And you want to know who did it?
SEBASTIAN: What? No, it's actually better now! We just want to fire somebody, but our security consist of a lesbian, Jew and a Hindus, so we need a reason, imagine that. Now, have a cheque, we've got a lot to spare here in the bank.
SHERLOCK: I don't need your blood money!
SEBASTIAN: It's a fee nothing more!
JOHN: Forgive him for he knows not what he does. (snatches cheque) By God, with all those money I could buy a BIGGER flamethrower…
VIEWERS: Yay! Whack – A – Sherlock!
SHERLOCK: You see me, now you don't. Now you see me, now you don't! Now you think you don't see me, but you do!
ORDINARY WORKERS: Okay. Either he's new in the job, or he works here too long.
VOICE OVER: Mr Holmes didn't master the art of not being seen. On the other hand, Mr. Watson is doing well so far… Obviously, the office is his natural hiding habitat.
SHERLOCK: Yellow graffiti is obviously a message from Hong Cong. It's big, so we're talking about something Kong, and yellow clearly indicates yellow Asian peril! And Hong Cong almost rhymes with Van Coon, so we're going to talk to him and give him an offer he can't refuse!
JOHN: You think he has a horse?
SHERLOCK: Nah, but I bet he has a secretary.
SHERLOCK: Hello! I'm a very strange looking man you've never met in your life, who speaks as if he was high. Can I use your balcony to break into your neighbour's flat?
MS WINTLE: Sure. You need chisel and a bag, maybe? I could also lend you a balaclava.
SHERLOCK: Something's off. And it's not the fridge, it's most certainly on…
BOOK-LOVING VIEWERS: (pausing the film at the stack of books) "Kickboxing", "Antiques", "The secrets of codes", Simon Singh book… He did it, whatever IT is.
JOHN: Let the right one it, Sherlock!
SHERLOCK: Oh, look, closed door, lets break it down… Aaaand what's behind the curtain number one? Oh my, I won a dead body! Hooray!
VIEWERS: HOORAY! At last something interesting!
SHERLOCK: Well, as much fun as it is, this body is not even a bit helpful.
DEAD BODY: (shamelessly continues not being helpful)
NOT!LESTRADE: Hey, you! This crime scene is too small for the two of us!
SHERLOCK: Hello, officer anonymous, where's Lestrade? They couldn't replace him after just one episode, could they?
VIEWERS: Yeah, where's Lestrade?
SLASHERS: He's where Mycroft disappeared to, probably… Hm… THAT'S AN IDEA.
NOT!LESTRADE: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire the only good comeback, or has he another?". And the question you should ask yourself is not "Where's Lestrade?" but "Do I feel lucky?". Well, do you, punk?
SHERLOCK: You're so DIM, MOCKing you will be like attacking toddler with a burning katana.
GATISS: (to Moffat) Your naming jokes are getting stupider by the minute. What's next, 'Anus Arse'? (pause) I don't like that smile of yours, Moffy.
DIMMOCK: This was suicide, because I don't like you very much, and my right hand is itching to suicide YOU, amigo.
SHERLOCK: The problem is, Dimmy, he's left handed because of completely random things that no one cares about, and he shot himself with right hand. No one normal could do it.
JOHN: (coughing) Well, you see…
SHERLOCK: Stop applying common sense and logic to my gues… deductions, John! Listen, Dimmock, the guy either shoot himself in somewhat probable way, or was murdered by someone who can walk through walls and leave no traces– and which you think it is? Right, second one is correct, you just won a full of understanding glance form Dr Watson.
SEBASTIAN: Ha, ha, ha, what a great joker I am!
SHERLOCK: Your employee was threatened and murdered.
SEBASTIAN: What a great joker he is! Ha, ha, ha. Now the truth. (silence on Sherlock part. Skips a beat) No. You're shitting me… So let's go to toilet.
SEBASTIAN: I'll just rattle off some things you could probably find in the phone book, because I don't really know any Van Coon… Except he was working with money. In a bank. Original bloke, he was.
JOHN: Let me ask some pointless questions, so we can pretend I'm running after Sherlock for some reason.
SLASHERS: We just call it LoooooVE. (tsk'ing at John's naivety)
SEBASTIAN: Oh, look, my secretary found on google that you were only joking. So, I don't care who painted those yellow signs, who killed who and why, just find me a reason to fire somebody! Hey, I can fire Van Coon for killing himself! Fun!
SHERLOCK: The police is, as always, putting believable and quite logical theory over my crazy and not understandable ramblings. Will they ever learn, and eventually read the TV Tropes? No matter now, I'm sulking so take this camera off my face!
FAT GUY: I'm running, I'm running fast! Those damn doors!
FULL-OF-SYMPATHY VIEWERS: Oh, those horrid moments when you really need to go to toilet…
FAT GUY: Where's my blanket that I can hide under, so this monster won't get me?
SCARY PERSON OFFSCREEN: You should have taken your towel. Now die.
FAT GUY: Damn. That was one book I didn't read. GHAK! (dies)
SHERLOCK: Nope. Not here. Still sulking.
SOO LIN'S BOSS: You, Niceguy, go and give ridiculously high prices for those ugly vases no one would otherwise buy.
NICEGUY: That's my new girlfriend's job, she's Chinese, so she knows all about Chinese things. And karate. Oh, definitely karate. Hey, babe, it's your… Babe? Where are you?
SOO LIN'S BOSS: Bad news, she dumped you, her job and those pots she obsessed about. And it's your fault, by the way, I'll just drop it on you LIKE A BOSS, yeah!
NICEGUY: What? No, she wouldn't get scared of her boyfriend, I'm going to stalk her some more.
SHERLOCK: Still sulking, find yourself someone else to show.
SARAH: Wow, this is one hell of CV. You made it up yourself? And you're a soldier…
JOHN: And a doctor.
SARAH: (checking 'the best and most manly occupations for your future husband' list) Damn! 1st &2nd base covered simultaneously. But I'm not certain yet… Wait: "fought with the Skynet"? We're destined to be together.
JOHN: That would be wrong on so many levels…
SARAH: I'll give you the boring job you're hideously overqualified for.
JOHN: … but who am I to question mother-son kink?
SHERLOCK: I still should be sulking, but I'll show you mine indifference instead. Pass me a pen, you invisible, ignorable man.
EPIC NINJA PEN THROWING: (happens)
VIEWES: Rewind… Watch. Rewind… Watch. Rewind… Gosh, I need a .gif with that. Rewind…
JOHN: I've got a girlfriend.
SHERLOCK: You went to look for a job.
JOHN: Well, I got a job too. One was a side effect of other, really, and I'm not entirely sure which is which.
SLASHERS: …! Not a girlfriend!
SHERLOCK: Look, there was another mysterious death by a hidden ninja crouching murderer. The windows were shut from inside, the doors too, and there was no water on the floor so he didn't hang himself.
JOHN: … He was shot, not hung.
SHERLOCK: Exactly. I'll make a detective out of you! So let's get down to business to defeat the Yard.
SHERLOCK: Did they sent me good cop, when I asked for bad? John, be a bit more … forceful, next time, now I'm the bad cop, you shut up. Dimmock, I'm your burning shrubbery that speaks words of wisdom.
DIMMOCK: NI!
SHERLOCK: More shrubbery?
DIMMOCK: You're on.
SHERLOCK: He resembles that insect-like X-Man, Cyclops.
DIMMOCK: You mean Spiderman.
MARVEL FANS: Why are there no Spiderman/Sherlock crossover yet?
SHERLOCK: Don't be too wise, Dimmock, Or I'll throttle you like Khan did.
DIMMOCK: It was Darth Vader.
SHERLOCK: … For that I'm taking first book I see, just to mess with your evidence.
SHERLOCK: Look, accidentally he borrowed this book the day he died. How funny, let's see what interesting books he missed. Hey, 'How to evade Chinese mafia when they're after you' section.
JOHN: Look, some vandals wrote strange yellow signs on shelves where our victim probably never looked.
SHERLOCK: It's very significant, so I think we need cut to the next scene.
SHERLOCK: Let me tell you again what we know, so even American viewers can follow.
AMERICAN VIEWERS: HEY!
SHERLOCK: Help me, Graffiti Guy, you are my only hope.
GRAFFITI GUY: Oh, it's yellow, and by the smell of pixels on your phone I can tell you exactly what paint was used. And it's yellow. Helpful?
SHERLOCK: Nope. But if you see any signs like that, let me know.
GRAFITI GUY: The only signs I see are those that we should relocate our bodies swiftly to more hidden and farther location.
JOHN: What?
POLICEMAN: He meant 'RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE'.
JOHN: Oh. OH. (pause) OH! Oh, you mean… He wasn't museum worker? You're not going to arrest me, are you?
SARCASTIC VIEWERS: One can wonder how he operates. 'Oh. OH. OH, So THAT was the liver! How strange!'
NICEGUY: She disappeared, she was murdered, she is a member of Yakuza, she's one of Charlie's Angels! I don't know, but she didn't resign! She wouldn't leave me!
SOO LIN'S BOSS: She was just spooked by a stalker. And when I'm speaking of stalker, I mean YOU. And I'm going to tell you this LIKE A BOSS.
NICEGUY: What stalker? Me? I was just sitting under her door and peaking through the windows once. Okay, so maybe it was 200 times… OH NO! I never got to ask her if I can call her Knives. Or if she knew the history of Pacman.
JOHN: I'm trying my best at sarcasm.
SHERLOCK: I'm almost fazed.
JOHN: I'm trying my best at shouting at you.
SHERELOCK: That's not working either.
JOHN: … I'll try to take off my jacket.
SHERLOCK: You are really hopeless today, you don't succeed even at this.
JOHN: Crap. But now I posses your magic power of summoning a cab! HOORAY!
CAB: (is summoned)
STRANGE CHINESE LADY: (vanishes)
VIEWERS: Wow. It's Matrix out there.
DIMMOCK: This… Friend of yours is…
JOHN: Throw your best, Not!Lestrade, I've been in the army and I can take it!
DIMMOCK: … is not nice.
JOHN: Now I'll have to duel with you to defend the honour of my Not!Boyfriend, die!… Wait, 'not nice'? That's it?
DIMMOCK: Hey, this scene is here solely for a purpose of giving me two more lines, not my fault I can't think of anything wise to say. Don't look at me like that! Just take this notebook and leave me to think of some witty remarks for my next scene.
SHERLOCK: Let's play patience with those tickets!
SECRETARY: Am I… Am I doing okay? Right? Talking to you… I'm doing good, am I? And what you think? Is this ok? Really?
SHERLOCK: Change of plans. I'm playing patience with YOU.
SHERLOCK: JOHN! I'm completely not surprised that I bumped at you in the middle of London, now let me tell you how genius I was to track our victims to this place, but now I lost track of them, so you must play stupid to boost my ego so I can deduce with my massive intellect... Not listening to you, la, la, la, not listening.
JOHN: They went to 'Lucky Cat'.
SHERLOCK: Okay, I'll bite. How can you deduce that?
JOHN: Fat Guy wrote it in his diary. IN YOUR FACE!
SHERLOCK: ... That's cheating and it doesn't count. I'll tell Mummy.
MOFFAT: FEEL THE CHINATOWN, DO YOU FEEL IT?
VIEWERS: ... No?
CREEPY CHINESE LADY: Buy a Lucky Cat.
JOHN: Nope, thank you.
CREEPY CHINESE LADY: Buy a lucky cat, or I'll smash your head with it, chop your arms off, and sell your body to restaurant nearby so they can make Dim Sum.
JOHN: Huh?
CREEPY CHINESE LADY: I said 'your wife will like it'. (mumbles) Yeah, I'll force feed her with 'beef' made out of you myself.
GENERE (ALMOST) SAVVY VIEWERS: She has too many lines to be a minor character. I wonder...
JOHN: Look, those SIGNS!
GENERE (ALMOST) SAVVY VIEWERS: That's it. She's the killer. I'm sure.
SHERLOCK: So actually those are Chinese Wingdings! They were invented in 2000 and are used by internet freaks...
JOHN: Why are you repeating to me everything that Creepy Chinese Lady told us ten seconds ago?
SHERLOCK: Look, those letters! Let's mess with the price tags!
JOHN: Why didn't we ask the Creepy Chinese Lady about it?
SHERLOCK: John, John, John. We're too cool for this.
STRANGE CHINESE LADY: (Is not too cool to disappear suddenly)
JOHN: Oh, look, my Chinese dish! Is it beef?
WAITRES: Yeah, 'beef'. You can call it that.
SHERLOCK: Our victims were smuggling Chinese art. They travelled to China regularly, and they could stuff big, delicate and distinctive vases into their luggage and claim they brought them from London in the first place. Genius.
JOHN: But it doesn't make sense to kill them, if they delivered the packages.
SHERLOCK: Stop poking logic-shaped holes in my deductions. Maybe it's Chinese for 'thank you very much'. God, life is boring with only two mysterious deaths on our hands... Let's break into some flat now, just for the fun of it! ... Oh, look, conveniently opened window just in front of fire-escape stairs. Geronimo!
JOHN: I hate you. You know I'm too compact - sized to reach the rail. I'll wait on the front, in case someone didn't notice we're breaking in.
ANTI-BURGLAR VASE: I'll kill you! Stand like a man and take it! I'll pour water all over your feet, you overgrown carbon-based lifeform! I'll drop myself on your feet, and feet of that someone who is already here! BUAHAHAH!
SHERLOCK: SHOUTING WHILE BREAK – IN IS GREAT! YOU SHOULD TRY IT, JOHN.
JOHN: WHAT? OPEN UP SO I CAN HELP YOU IN ROBBING THIS FLAT!
SHERLOCK: BY THE RUMPLED RUG I DEDUCE WE'RE LOOKING FOR SMALL, ATHLETIC, ASIAN MAN, WHO WORKS IN THE CIRCUS AND...
JOHN: (to passers - by) Sorry for this shouting, but my friend is robbing a flat and not letting me help him, the prat.
SHERLOCK: ... and he's standing just behind me. I just remembered I'm allergic to being strangled.
JOHN: I'll stand bitterly outside that door and try using my sarcasm. And I'll conveniently forget I'm rubbish at it.
SHERLOCK: Oh, look, I'm alive. I'm alive! I'm... stupid. And I don't know what hurts more – throat, or my stupidity...
JOHN: So, you found something, genius?
SHERLOCK: ... Would you believe that stupidity?
SHERLOCK: When did you see her last?
NICEGUY: Well... Let's see. Yesterday. She brushed her teeth, then went downstairs to eat cereal (takes out a notebook), at 8.30...
SHERLOCK: What was the last thing she touched, so I can get John to sniff for her?
NICEGUY: The Teapots, look in...
SHERLOCK: LOOK! Secretly hidden message painted on a white sculpture that stands in the middle of the room! How wickedly well concealed.
NICEGUY: Oh my, I didn't see it here!
GRAFFITI GUY: Running around the city and searching for Sherlock Holmes is fun, going to Baker Street and waiting is for llamas. Oh, thought I'll meet him immediately. Good news, I found the same signs that you showed me.
JOHN: I'd gladly show you where the court is.
SHERLOCK: Lookie here, a piece of yellow something under big, colourful picture in a place where everything can get painted over in a minute after it was left. Yup, that's our message. Come, John, we're going to collect them all! We'll walk around the London till we find them!
JOHN: ... Did you ever see a map of London, perhaps?
SHERLOCK: Deleted it, why?
JOHN: No reason. Let's walk around.
SHERLOCK: Message, good message, come to your daddy! C'mon, I've got tuna! Lots of yummy tuna!
MESSAGE: Just for that, I'm showing myself only to John Watson.
JOHN: I found a message! I FOUND IT! LOOK! (pointing at black wall) Oh. It was here, Sherlock, it really was.
SHERLOCK: Right. There was entire wall covered in signs, and when you turned around to call me someone sneaked here and painted it all black, so that I can't decipher it.
JOHN: ... Yes.
SHERLOCK: Completely reasonable. AND that gives me reason to do THIS... (grabs John and turns him around in very memory - aiding way) You spin me right round baby, right round...
JOHN: Either kiss me, or let me go; I think I'm going to puke from all that 'round like a record' motion.
SHERLOCK: To kiss you while you're vomiting? No way, go your way from now on.
SLASHERS: Awww... Too bad. BUT I NEED A GIF OF THAT TOO! HETEROSEXUAL MY ASS. Or, rather, don't.
SHERLOCK: So, you remember the pattern, or should I hypnotise you and show my highly sophisticated...
JOHN: I took a photo.
SHERLOCK: You're cheating again! I WILL tell Mummy.
SHERLOCK: Numbers come in pairs, just like you and me should.
JOHN: Sleep. Bed. I want bed now.
SHERLOCK: Not NOW, John, keep your raging libido in check. We're off to find Soo Lin.
JOHN: I really think I'm sleepwalking.
SHERLOCK: NICEGUY! TALK! TALK! Where is Soo Lin! ANSWER ME DAMMIT!
JOHN: She's in danger, we want to help her, really, relax. You want coffee? Tea?
SHERLOCK: YOU'LL TALK!
NICEGUY: I don't know, I stalked her, her friends, her family, she probably was kidnapped by pink haired girl who is madly in love...
SHERLOCK: You made complete mess out of this reference. Nevermind, one of the teapots was USED. Talk about strange kinks.
SOO LIN: Out of the Bat Cave! Let's do the job I'm not paid to do in a place I'm not supposed to be! HOORAY!
SHERLOCK: Boo!
SOO LIN: Gosh, if it wasn't for this teapot I'd karate chopped you! But... Don't hurt my teapot, pleas, Mr Creepy man, have MERCY!
SHERLOCK: (in extremely eerie way) Hello. (normally) John say's I should be nicer, did I do well?
SOO LIN: My lifestory is really tragic. Really, really tragic in a very dramatic way. My brother wants to kill me, because I stopped smuggling for a Chinese gang, and I've got 'ANDY' written in permanent marker on my foot.
SHERLOCK: I'd cry if I cared at all.
JOHN: I'd cry if I wasn't sleeping.
VIEWERS: I WILL cry if nothing happens soon.
SHERLOCK: It's very nice, but what can you tell us about the code?
SOO LIN: Well, there was a man in America who made Microsoft and then...
SHERLOCK: Just decipher it!
SOO LIN: I can't, I'm Chinese character and I should talk in riddles. So there's a book...
LIGHTS: (go out; probably were too bored to watch it any longer)
SHERLOCK: Oh, there's a killer up there! I'll go and say hello! (runs out)
JOHN: Those saviour vivre lessons were a mistake. But we'll sit here and wait for our doom. (skips a beat) On the other hand, you stay here and wait for your doom, I'm going to run after the man I DO NOT LOVE at all. Not a bit. Or, on the other hand, I'll hide behind this pillar. 10 minutes of sleep, at last!
SHERLOCK: And I'll run in random directions!
KILLER: Yes, you do just that, thank you. (kills Soo Lin)
SOO LIN: (well, she's killed)
VIEWERS: ... That's it?
JOHN: I'm a bad cop now! You're an idiot, Dimmock, I'll wave my finger IN YOUR FACE. And it has nothing to do with me feeling guilty after letting the girl die while I was sleeping under the pillar.
SHERLOCK: I'm always a bad cop, so I'll prove to you we're having information you don't, and that you're an idiot. All victims have 'ANDY' written in permanent marker on the soles of their feet.
DIMMOCK: Okay, but how do you suppose we check it?
SHERLOCK: Hello Molly, I'm usually a bastard, but when I saw you today I immediately thought... Just insert a compliment here, I cannot be bothered to think of one.
MOLLY: Oh, you're so nice, and manly, and I love you...
SHERLOCK: Good. Now to the business. Show me Van Coon and Fat Guy.
MOLLY: I can't because...
SHERLOCK: Insert here more stupid compliments. Oh, and I'll give you a puppy-look.
MOLLY: Oookay... But...
SHERLOCK: Superb, show us his feet while risking troubles at work, and I'll smile at you nicely. See, Dimmock, I'm either physic or genius, in both cases I want books from their flats.
DIMMOCK: What for?
SHERLOCK: For your little head to explode from thinking about it. (leaves)
MOLLY: For future reference: feet fetish. I'll have to research this. And start wearing sandals.
SHERLOCK: In case someone didn't catch this earlier, it's connected to the antiques.
VIEWERS: Really? What a surprise!
SHERLOCK: Ah, Time to embrace our inner librarians, John! Let's shuffle through this books in most chaotic manner ever!
DIMMOCK: Oh, oh, can I help, can I, can I? Please, please, pretty please?
SHERLOCK: Weeell...
DIMMOCK: Please? Cherry on top?
SHERLOCK: NO! I don't eat on cases! Leave, you son of your mother! Leave before I think of some more insulting insult... That can take a while, actually.
RECEPTION: Sorry to keep you waiting, but we've got a new doctor and he doesn't know how to use a comm... But we're having too much fun laughing at him to tell him how to do it.
SARAH: As a boss, I'll go and tell him that you're laughing at him. No use in spoiling your fun, is there? John? Are you sulking that much...?
JOHN: (snoozes)
SARAH: Awww... He cried himself to sleep, how cute. I think I'll be strong, independent female character and ... and I'll do his job just to get asked out. Damn hormones.
SARAH: So... Your girlfriend tiring you in the night?
JOHN: Naw, my boyfriend. No, not my boyfriend. He's not my boyfriend, not at all. It was a book event. With my flatmate in a middle of the night! Yeah, we were...
SARAH: Yup, that just about justifies you sleeping at work. I should fire you, and I should give you a disciplinary...
JOHN: Want to go out tonight?
SARAH: HELL YEAH, forget the work and sleep tight on your shifts! Damned hormones.
SLASHERS: No. I didn't see this. I'm hallucinating!
SHERLOCK: We're going out tonight. Just you and me, candles, vine, soft accordion music...
JOHN: Sorry, you're late. I've got a date already.
SHERLOCK: WHAT?
SLASHERS: WHAT?
JOHN: It's when two people go out with each other and have fun.
SHERLOCK: That's what I was suggesting, you dim-witted prat!
SLASHERS: C'MON John, you know you want it! YOU MUST! YOU MUST! THINK OF ENGLAND! Think of us!
JOHN: La, la, la, I'm not hearing you, not hearing you! I'm going out with Sarah...
SHERLOCK: BUT WHY?
JOHN: I am her boyfriend, Luke.
SLASHERS: !
SHERLOCK: We'll see... Hey, I'll be strangely supportive, no hidden catch, really. Just go to the Chinese circus with her, because it's completely not connected with the case we're having, not at all.
JOHN: No bloody way in Hell, I'll think of something nice myself! I will not ...
JOHN: ... go to the circus, because I'm already in it. Two normal, straight tickets, please.
GATISS: Remind me, why are we setting him up with this 'Sarah' character?
MOFFAT: (extremely serious, really) To give a clear message to viewers that both John Watson and Sherlock Holmes are straight, heterosexual men who are not together and are not dating.
GATISS: Oh, sure. (skips a beat) OH. OH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Moffy, you joker, for a while I really thought you were serious! HAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA. So, when is Sherlock coming?
TICKET – SELLER: Sorry, we've got three tickets for you.
JOHN: I'm not that fat!
SHERLOCK: Hello John. Hello woman with a name I cannot be bothered to remember, I'm Sherlock, John's boyfriend.
SARAH: I'm Sarah, John's girlfriend. Let the better one win!
SHERLOCK: Woman, to even out our chances I'd have to chop off my legs and arms and fall into pit full of lava. And get asthma. And listen to Justin Biber. Now run to restroom, so I can talk to John about serious matters. ... You seem a bit irritated, John.
JOHN: A bit...? With you here my chances with her are just about zero... (Sarah comes back unnoticed) AND I WANT TO GET LAID! (spots Sarah) Oh, Sarah, how nice, did I tell you about my take on Plato's philosophy?
FEMALE VIEWERS: Smooth, Watson. (facepalm)
MALE VIEWERS: So that's how you get women form three continents. I'll have to try shouting "want to get laid" next time.
JOHN: My eyes! They BUUUURN! It's not a circus, it's... ART! It hurts!
SHERLOCK: Remember, we're here to catch Spiderman, not to have fun. We could have fun, if you didn't take this woman, I'll rub it in your face. And now I will stare at you in VERY meaningful manner.
JOHN: I didn't take who? Ah, right, Sarah is here too, I forgot, I was too occupied with throwing you appreciative and heated glances.
CHINESE ARTIST: (Are doing strange things in slow motion)
SHERLOCK: Oh, let me whisper in your sweet ear the life commentary, because unlike some I know how to use google. And I'm not showing off, what gave you the idea? And now poof! I'm gone with the wind, to search through dressing room in which they must store all incriminating evidence! Yes, here's yellow paint, here's a mirror... And here's strangely dressed man who tries to kill me!
JOHN: Look, Sarah, a Bird-Spider! Let's stand here and watch him with jaws dropped, while I try to connect him with the murders! Wait... Wait.. Hooray! I succeeded! OH MY! They want to kill Sherlock! NOOOO! (Gets kicked)
CHINESE ASSASSIN: (standing over Sherlock) Now you die...
SARAH: NO ONE BUT ME CAN KILL MY BOYFRIEND'S BOYFRIEND! TAKE THAT YOU LOOSER!
DIMMOCK: I was thinking hard about good one – liners and I think I've got one: you're over, because we've got to pay for overtime!
SHERLOCK: ... That's it? You were not appearing for five scenes just to come up with something like this?
DIMMOCK: Hey, it's not my fault that I appear for the sole reason for appearing and I have no character! I'm not Lestrade, for God's sake!
VIEWERS: That is painfully obvious. Why do I get this strange feeling this won't be my favourite episode?
SARAH: It was fun, but I'll go now and leave you alone to fight organised crime. I've got a limit set on beating with wooden sticks Chinese clowns and I've used my share for another fifty years. Besides, I want to live.
SHERLOCK: Yes, please go, before I help your face to become very intimate with the pavement. And pavement likes it rough, I assure you.
JOHN: No, please stay, I want to piss Sherlock off... Besides, nearly dying can be as much fun as watching East Enders and shooting cabbies!
SARAH: Now that I'm your girlfriend, I've got to feed you up, don't I?
SHERLOCK: Oh God. Random unaired episode reference.
FOOD: This is Food, if you hear this message, that means I'm out. Try contacting your housekeeper or starve to death.
MRS HUDSON: I'm you landlady, not housekeeper, but I'll bring you something to eat... so you will invite me to this orgy you're having today, you naughty boys!
SARAH: So, you're solving puzzle for a living?
SHERLOCK: I am (sound of thunder, horse's neigh) CONSULTING DETECTIVE, I solve CRIMES. John on the other hand sometimes solves puzzles and gets stupid rings. And this is extremely sophisticated code I am breaking, so please kindly check if you're not by any chance in Peru.
SARAH: Oh, Wingdings! And they form words!
SHERLOCK: ... How do you know that?
SARAH: It's written on this piece of paper you've thrown away.
SHERLOCK: Oh, good, I feared that you might have a piece of brain after all. And while we were running around the gallery in nice circles and other useless patterns Soo Lin started to decipher this because, clearly, she was running with the un-ciphering book all the time.
GERMAN TOURISTS: Ja, das ist die Baker Strasse wo Sherlock Holmes gewohnt hat! Schau, seine Denkmal läuft! … OW! Hay! Clock it!
SHERLOCK: Sorry for knocking out of your hands a book that almost everybody here owns… Wait. I've see it now, and in a form of convenient flashback too! That's it! The book! I've got two copies of it in my flat, but GIVE ME THAT BOOK!
GERMAN TOURISTS: But whyyyy?
SHERLOCK: … Because you lost BOTH World Wars.
SARAH: I hate Chinese gangs, I hate getting almost killed on my dates by Chinese, and I hate Chinese circus.
JOHN: So, should I order Chinese takeaway?
SARAH: Oh YES! Nice to think that at least now Chinese won't try to kill us.
DELIVERY GUY: CHINESE SURPRISE! BONK ON THE HEAD FOR TWO. Ropes and chopsticks are free in our offer.
MRS HUDSON: Oh, how nice, form all this commotion I can tell the orgy is going on great!
SHERLOCK: JOHN! I did it! You can leave this lady of yours and help me PIN this gang! JOHN? JOHN! NOOOO! They stained our windows! OUR WINDOWS!
GENERAL SHAN: Now let me pour on you some of my Chinese mumbling. And by the way, you're Sherlock Holmes. You've got a card of Sherlock Holmes, cheque for Sherlock Holmes, tickets for Sherlock Holmes, and we spotted you shouting this name in completely un-sarcastic manner.
JOHN: Wow. You really did an online 'deduction for dummies' course. With the keyword being 'dummies' here.
NON-BRITISH VIEWERS: Wait, what about… HA! Not having ID sucks now, doesn't it? Ha, ha, ha, I laugh in your face, so does my life–saving ID!
GENERAL SHAN: We tried to kill you several times, Mizter Holmes, and we didn't succeed. What does it tell you?
JOHN: That you're completely rubbish at it?
GENERAL SHAN: Yeah, sadly. So we won't put a gun to your girlfriends head, but we'll place her in front of very unstable and overthought killing machine that might not be as interesting as one in "Barbarella" but it is exactly as functional! Tell me: where is the pin?
JOHN: You've never seen this movie, did you? Nevertheless, I know nothing and I can tell you nothing… Except for the fact that I would wet my pants in fear, if I wasn't too scared.
VIEWERS: John… Where's your BAMFness? WHERE IS IT, TELL ME NOW! Please. I'll cry.
SLASHERS: This … woman drained him of superBAMFness! It must be it! KILL HER SHAN!
GENERAL SHAN: And I like to ramble, and ramble, and nobody listens to me, right? So, to the point: YOU ARE MIZTER HOLMES!
JOHN: I AM NOT! DON'T INSULT ME!
SHERLOCK: HE'S NOT, DON'T INSULT ME! What would you say about me, John? That I'm devilishly beautiful? Stunning? So bright that light bulbs are self-combusting from envy? So witty that I can never spot it's end? So…
JOHN: So megalomaniac, that I don't know whether to kiss you, or shoot your damn ego?
GENERAL SHAN: Nevermind which is which, I took online course in shooting and I want to try it out!
SHERLOCK: Was it 'Shoot like Stormtrooper' course?
GENERAL SHAN: Of course!
SHERLOCK: In that case I can move freely around, not minding you at all. Hooray! Ah. Sarah. I'll untie you and you'll run from here, because your body would somewhat spoil the romantic atmosphere of my tete – a – tete with John… Or maybe I won't, because I'm still allergic to choking. Ah, not much of an loss, is it?
JOHN: Sherlock's in danger! OH MY, I'VE GOT MY BAMFNESS BACK! IT'S HERE!
VIEWERS: About the bloody time.
JOHN: Ah, if I kick this machine slightly up… Okay. (kills Chinese Spiderman, saves Sherlock… and Sarah, accidentally) Wow. Second episode and my second victim. And Sally was worried about Sherlock's murderous tendencies… But if this continues, I'll retire to some nice, murder-less place like Midsomer, to have quiet, normal life.
SARAH: (cries in understandable shock)
JOHN: Don't worry, Sarah, on our second date I'll take you to a pool, how about it?
SLASHERS: THERE WILL BE NO MORE DATES, YOU MORON.
DIMMOCK: I hate you, Holmes.
SHERLOCK: Just do as I say, and you'll get promotion in no time. In ten years they will finally give you a brush to wash those public toilets you're cleaning now.
DIMMOCK: And I hate your comebacks.
SHERLOCK: Van Coon took a pin.
JOHN: He should have taken a hint about not crossing Chinese gangs, instead. But how can you tell?
SHERLOCK: Because of my brain, and it turned out in my patience with his secretary.
JOHN: (again practices the art of not being seen. It must be the office. )
SHERLOCK: please tell me you had an affair with your boss.
SECRETARY: Well, he dated LIKE A BOSS! He bragged much about his abilities and left entire work for me. He never loved me! He was so mean, and stupid, and I hated him, and…
SHERLOCK: He died for a pin that is worth 9 million pounds and which he bought for you… and you tell us here that 'it wasn't serious'. I wonder what would he do for 'serious' relationship.
SECRETARY: …AND I LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART! I ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS BESTEST.
JOHN: Oh. And I failed at invisibility.
JOHN: So, what did we learn from today's episode?
SHERLOCK: That you shouldn't order Chinese takeaway? Oh, and that we accomplished nothing in entire episode.
SLASHERS: That dating a woman is BAD for a BAMF! man?
BRITISH VIEWERS: That ID card is sometimes useful?
RACIST VIEWERS: That we shouldn't trust Chinese and steal books from Germans?
GATISS: That we need more innuendos?
SIGNIFICANT AND IMPORTANT GRAFFITI: (Doesn't appear at all)
RANDOM ACT OF VANDALISM: (happens outside)
GENERAL SHAN: I'll talk to you, Mysterious Criminal, in this irritating manner.
MYSTERIOUS CRIMINAL EVERYBODY KNOWS IS MORIARTY: Your talking is seriously unnerving me.
GENERAL SHAN: … But I like to ramble slowly… thoughtfully…
MYSTERIOUS CRIMINAL EVERYONE KNOWS IS MORIARTY: You're using so many irritating dots that I'll use one of mine.
SNIPER: (conveniently hidden, probably with generous usage of paint, on the wall in front of Shan) Whee! LASER POINTER FUN TIME!
FIN
SHOT: (almost manages to surprise someone)
VIEWERS: Nice. Just… Nice. It was fun. LET'S WATCH STUDY IN PINK AGAIN! And let's wait for next episode, it will be better. (while keeping fingers crossed)
A/N: COMMENT! COMMENT! COMMENT! PLEASE!