For the purposes of this parody, I'm using my canon paragon FemShep. This is only a parady. I own nothing.
HACKET, UDINA, and ANDERSON are all talking offscreen, while we are treated to a very pretty picture of Earth from space.
ANDERSON: Shepard will be our main character!
HACKET: Well, she is pretty awesome.
UDINA: She's an outrage!
ANDERSON: I hate you already.
Suddenly, we're on a ship, and Seth Green is the pilot.
JOKER: I get to be snarky!
KAIDAN: Why do I want fried peanut-butter and banana sandwiches?
NIHILUS: I'm an alien! Aaaaaand now I'm offscreen.
JOKER: Man, it's a good thing this isn't a Whedon production, I might actually get to live through the whole series.
WASH and AGENT COULSON: Ouch.
WHEDON FANS: Too soon!
SHEPARD: Am I a Paragon or a Renegade...?
ANDERSON (via comm): Joker! Do spaceship things!
JOKER: For Great Science, I fly the ship! Also, have some paranoia for the lulz.
SHEPARD: ...
JOKER: ...
SHEPARD: ...
JOKER: ...
KAIDAN: Uh, Commander?
SHEPARD: Paragon it is!
JOKER: Aw yeah!
ANDERSON (via comm): Shepard! Come to the communications room for plot!
SHEPARD: Sweet! But first, let's talk to NPC'S and wander around looking at stuff!
Fifteen minutes later...
SHEPARD: Wow, Dr. Chakwas is pretty hot for an old broad... Oh, hey alien dude.
NIHILUS: Humans are silly.
ANDERSON: Your mother.
NIHILUS: What?
ANDERSON: Oh look, the plot!
SHEPARD learns that the NORMANDY SR-1 is on its way to EDEN PRIME to find a PLOT DEVICE. She also learns that NIHILUS is there to see if she's cool enough to join his club.
JOKER: Candygram!
TRANSMISSION: OH GOD WHY I'M BURNING MAKE IT STOP- *static*
SHEPARD: ...wait, was that Cthulu?
NIHILUS: I have mandibles!
ANDERSON: Go shoot things. Take Kaidan with you.
KAIDAN: Nice!
NIHILUS: Not it!
SHEPARD: Aw man!
KAIDAN: Hey!
JENKINS: Wait, I have actual lines and a name? Oh thank you sweet plot gods, I'm a real chara- *dies*.
SHEPARD: (leroy) JEEEEEENNNKKIIIIIINNNSS! Oh, hey, I leveled up!
KAIDAN: ...
SHEPARD: Did you hear something?
ASHLEY: I HATE ALL THE THINGS ABOUT THIS ASSIGNMENT!
SHEPARD: Let's go save that chick in the ugly pink armor.
KAIDAN: Gogo Power Rangers!
ASHLEY: You're not an alien, so I like you. Have some exposition.
SHEPARD: Awesome.
KAIDAN: Gaaaaaay...
SHEPARD and company make their way to the dig site, where they find the PLOT DEVICE has been moved, and also there are space zombies.
SHEPARD: AGH! Zombies! In space! *kills them*
KAIDEN: Look, survivors!
ASHLEY: Let's traumatize the mentally disturbed one!
DR. WARREN: Your PLOT DEVICE is in another castle. Also, Dragon Age referrence.
MANUEL: I'm foreshadow-y!
SHEPARD: Bored now. Gimme your stuff so I can go kill things.
Meanwhile, NIHILUS meets up with SAREN, who demonstrates rule number five in the Villian Handbook and murders NIHILUS while looking appropriately sinister.
Back with SHEPARD and company...
SHEPARD: Look, more survivors!
COLE: Aliens! Attacking! Scary Noises!
KAIDEN: Yeah, we got that part.
BLAKE: GUNS! We smuggle them.
COLE: Goddammit Krillin.
SHEPARD: Guilt trip tiiiiime!
ASHLEY: I hate smugglers. I hope you die horribly.
SHEPARD: Guuuuiiiiillltt triiiiiiiiiiip
COLE: Powell has the good stuff, down by the spaceport. Now please stop judging me.
ASHLEY: No.
SHEPARD: Bored again. Let's find something to shoot.
KAIDAN: I feel sorta useless...
SHEPARD: You sure do.
KAIDAN: Hey!
A few space zombies later...
KAIDAN: Oh no, Nihilus!
ASHLEY: Oh no, a turian!
KAIDAN: He's dead!
ASHLEY: Oh, never mind then.
SHEPARD: Damn, now I'll never get to join his fancy club.
POWELL: Don't shoot me!
SHEPARD: ...You're a smuggler!
POWELL: Goddammit Krillin.
ASHLEY: You smuggling bastard.
SHEPARD: Guuiilt triip!
POWELL: I feel like I've somehow disappointed my mom. Take my stash. Also, there was another turian here and he shot your friend.
SHEPARD: Sorry wasn't paying attention. I wonder where this train thing goes...
Another bit of fighting later and we see SAREN showing off more of his impressive knowledge of the Villian Handbook.
SAREN: Let's blow up the colony after I use the PLOT DEVICE. Also, leave it here when I'm done and don't try to unplug it or whatever.
GETH: rrdle bzzchrck.
SAREN: Haha, you are so cute.
Back to SHEPARD...
SHEPARD: Ooooh, shiny buttons! I wonder what will happen if I press them randomly?
KAIDAN: You're kidding, right?
ASHLEY: That's a bomb, numbnuts!
SHEPARD somehow manages to disarm all the bombs, despite being a soldier with no training in how to dismantle what is presumably a weapon of mass destruction.
KAIDAN: Finally, the beacon. We can finish this mission.
SHEPARD: Stealing from civilians, don't care.
ASHLEY: But the plot-
SHEPARD: Lalala can't hear you over the sound of my looting.
KAIDAN: This is ridiculous. I'm grabbing the thing.
ASHLEY: Gross.
KAIDAN: I meant the beacon!
Suddenly, the beacon traps KAIDAN in green space light. SHEPARD, being heroic and main character-y, jumps in to save him.
SHEPARD: Do I have to?
KAIDAN: Hey!
Yes. Yes you do.
SHEPARD: Dammit. Hang on Kaidan, I'll rescue you!
KAIDAN: *swoons* Oh my hero!
ASHLEY: Gaaay!
SHEPARD: OW SWEET BABY JESUS THIS HUR- wait, what the hell? Is this thing trying to show me weird japanese snuff porn?
SHEPARD is knocked unconcious by the space light, and we get to see SAREN and some shadowy blue boobs that talk.
BENEZIAH: So, like, the colony wasn't, like, destroyed, and like, this human chick totally touched your beacon.
SAREN: Dammit! I hate it when other people touch my things! I'm the only one allowed to play with my beacon!
BENEZIAH: Well, damn, and here I was hoping to get, like, laid on this trip.
SAREN: What?
BENEZIAH: What?
GETH: Gddrackl chck.
SAREN: Oh! Oh. Oooohhhh.
BENEZIAH: Whatever...
Back on the NORMANDY SR-1
DR. CHAKWAS: You were unconcious for 15 hours.
KAIDAN: My bad.
SHEPARD: Yep.
KAIDAN: No, rea- wait, what?
DR. CHAKWAS: You blew up the PLOT DEVICE.
SHEPARD: Aw man, now I'm REALLY not getting in to that fancy club.
KAIDAN: We had to carry you back to the ship.
SHEPARD: Why are you even here? Don't you have... duties... or something?
KAIDAN: My overwhelming and misplaced sense of guilt kept me here until I knew you weren't a vegetable. Then I stuck around to watch you sleep. Girls like that, right?
SHEPARD: ...hehe... duties...
DR. CHAKWAS: Your brain is, as we say in the medical field, "scrambled".
SHEPARD: Oh, well that explains the snuff porn.
DR. CHAKWAS: Do share later, will you?
KAIDAN: Wha-
ANDERSON: Chakwas.
DR. CHAKWAS: Anderson.
ANDERSON: How's that frigid black hole you call a heart holding up?
DR. CHAKWAS: Better than your ability to get an erection, for sure.
SHEPARD: Oh I do not need to hear this.
KAIDAN: I need a stiff drink.
DR. CHAKWAS: I know where you can get a 'stiff' one.
ANDERSON: In your underwear drawer?
KAIDAN: My ears.
DR. CHAKWAS: Well certainly not in yours.
KAIDAN: They bleed.
SHEPARD: Yeah, I'm gonna go...
END PART ONE