AN: Okay, so while recently watching the "Then And Now" episode on rerun, this idea came to me. It took me a while to write, and as I've been in a bit of a funk I'm glad I was able to muttle through it, even if I'm not quite sure about how it turned out. Not sure if I have any reader's in this fandom anymore, but if you do find this story, I hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: Dawson's Creek and it's characters are not mine, I'm simply borrowing them for this story. Also, the dialog that is used from "Then and Now" obviously came from the episode and not me!
Pacey stood there in shock as he watched his older brother walk away. It wasn't the argument that left him in surprise. More often than not, encounters with Doug usually involved some kind of loud exchange. Pacey just chalked it up to being brothers - and the fact that he often tried to get Doug riled up.
But not this time. This time was different and not in the fact that Pacey hadn't been trying to get a rise out of Doug.
The difference this time was Doug's reaction. His older brother wasn't just annoyed or angry but hurt. Pacey could see it in Doug's eyes, even without the unshed tears that had been glistening there. It was a look that Pacey had only seen once before, on the ride along he had done with Doug his senior year. That time, Pacey had basically told his brother that his job was a waste of life. He had immediately regretted the words when he had seen Doug's reaction but like all the other times he had managed to put his foot in his mouth, there had been no taking the words back. A few hours later, Pacey was shown just how wrong his words were when he had met Mike. Doug made a positive difference in other's people lives through his job, in ways Pacey had known he would never accomplish.
Even what he did now, for all the glamour and prestige that surrounded his job, it didn't affect people's lives in the way that Doug's job did. Yeah, the job more than paid his bills. Allowed him to buy things for the people in his life, as Doug had not so eloquently pointed out, that he wouldn't be able to otherwise. It made him feel good.
Was that such a bad thing?
Doug had certainly made him feel as though it was. But then his brother often made him feel as if he was no good. That he was a loser. The Black Sheep of the Witter family.
Pacey sighed as he sank down on the steps that Doug had been sitting on when he had come out of the hospital. He knew he wasn't really being fair. Yes, Doug had at one time been just like the rest of the family, reinforcing Pacey's already low self-esteem but like he himself had, Doug had changed. Even with all the jokes and the hard time he gave his brother, Doug had more than once shown him support.
Doug had at least talked to him about what had lead him to embarrassing himself at Caufield's power, when his father had more than happily let him sit in the drunk tank all night. His older brother had then taken him in when life at their parent's house had gotten to be too much. Whether wanted or unwanted, Doug had provided invaluable advice over the years. Perhaps if he had bothered listening to his older brother more often, things would have turned out better. The only two members of his family that had believed in his attempt to graduate on time had been Doug and Gretchen, his brother even offering to help him study more than once.
It had been Doug who had taken the initiative to locate him after his summer job on a yacht following graduation. He had a feeling most of his family, his father included, hadn't given a second thought about it. The black sheep of the family was gone, and no longer a source of embarrassment for them. Not only had Doug sought him out, but he had found him the job at Civilization.
Doug had once told him that he had been proud of him when he had worked as a cook at Civilization. If he was honest that had probably been one of the happiest times in his short life. He had enjoyed cooking, and he had been good at it. However, he didn't think that anyone else saw the job as anything more than a way for Pacey the loser to make money. He had wanted something more prestigious in others' eyes - something he had found with his current job, as hollow as that feeling was. However, it had finally gained him his father's recognition.
And apparently Doug's disdain.
Maybe that in itself should tell him something. As good as it felt to finally get their father's nod, that feeling was overshadowed by Doug's words because he had discovered over the years that more often than not, Doug was right. Like Joey, Doug didn't always say things you wanted to hear, but he said what he thought needed to be said.
And the simple fact was, when his father had written him off, his older brother had taken him in and tried to guide him through life. Doug could hardly be blamed for the actions that had tripped him up over the past few years.
So perhaps instead of being angry with Doug, I need to figure out where he's coming from, Pacey thought to himself. What was it that his brother was really trying to tell him? What was it about his actions today that had gotten Doug so riled up?
Pacey thought over his actions since arriving in Capeside and realized that from the moment he got here, he had tried to act like he had known best. He had gotten frustrated with Doug when his brother couldn't give him the answers he had wanted, when his brother was probably just as frustrated at feeling like he was left in the dark while waiting for news from the doctor's.
Doug had been with their father when he had collapsed, which meant he would've been the one breaking the news to their mother and then everyone else after that. He was the one that had to be strong for everyone else, just as he had been doing for years. Doug was the stable one of the family. The one they all turned to when things in their dysfunctional family got a little too hectic. It was a role he had chosen to take on, but also one that he did without complaining.
Which was probably why getting the private room with a simple twenty bucks had hit a nerve with his brother, Pacey realized. And why our father wanting to see me first, when Doug had been here since this whole ordeal was like throwing salt in a wound.
And that was really what this all boiled down to. For the first time, Doug had been on the receiving end of their father's rejection. Pacey knew exactly how that felt. That rejection had been one of the reasons he had resented Doug so much during his early teen years. How could he fault Doug for feeling some resentment toward him now? Especially when like he had always been, Doug was the strong one. The one that had held things together today and would be doing so in the days that followed while, he Pacey, headed back to his new world in Boston where he at least felt important.
Pacey knew he couldn't hold his brother wanting that proverbial pat on the back from their father against Doug. It was something all kids strived for. Something he had so desperately hoped for while growing up.
And it was Doug's proverbial pats on the back that had taken the sting out of not getting one from his father these last few years. If he hadn't gotten that acknowledgment from his older brother, rare as those moments were, Pacey didn't know where he would be, nor did he want to spend much contemplating that. What mattered was that here he was, faced with the opportunity to return the favor, and once again he had only managed to stick his foot in his mouth.
Though he now saw the situation with a clarity that he didn't think he would've been capable of a few years ago, the simple truth was, Pacey had no idea how to remedy the situation. It wasn't about who was right and who was wrong. It wasn't about being 'top dog'. All his brother had wanted was acknowledgment from someone of all that he had done today.
If he put himself in Doug's shoes, Pacey realized that he would have expected the same thing himself.
Despite sitting on those steps trying to figure out how to reclaim his lost opportunity to repay his brother for all he had done for him, Pacey headed upstairs to say a quick goodnight to his father. His brief exchanged with Doug left no doubt that his brother was still hurting. Despite wanting to make things better, Pacey really wasn't sure what could be done. Knowing him, he would probably just make the situation worse.
As he turned to leave the hospital room though, his father's voice stopped him.
"Hey, Pacey. Thanks for getting me this private room."
Pacey paused. It would be so easy to take the credit, especially as it had been his doing. But, Pacey found that he didn't care about taking for the credit for getting the room as instead he saw an opportunity to give Doug that proverbial pat on the back that he knew his brother needed after the long day they had endured. Pacey didn't intend to miss the opportunity this time around.
"No, that wasn't me. Doug took care of the room. It was good seeing you, Pop. Feel better."
Without giving anyone a chance to react to his little white lie, Pacey finished his retreat from the room. As the door clicked shut behind him, Pacey felt better about how things had played out today. No, he couldn't take back what he had done, or what he had said but he hoped that letting Doug have their father's gratitude for the private room told Doug that someone had appreciated all he had done today. As for their father, Pacey didn't really care about telling the little white lie. He had finally gotten a nod from their father and nothing could take that away, but Pacey found that it didn't matter as much as he thought it had. His relationship with his brother meant more to him, and Pacey hoped he had taken a big step in restoring himself in his brother's eyes. After all, their father was never going to be the Mr. Leery type father - unconditional love and support. However, one thing Pacey finally realized was that no matter how many buttons he pushed, no matter what he said or did, or how angry he made his brother, when push came to shove, Doug was going to be there. It was Doug, and Gretchen, who understood the unconditional love of family and those were the relationships that he needed to cherish and do his best to preserve.