Okay so this is a story that I've been working on in my head I don't know how it will turn out.
I've read other story's that are similar but I wonted to give it a shot.
DISCLAMER: I don't own svu or any of the characters. To bad.
This story takes place after undercover I may use parts from Trials and PTSD but I may change the story line a little. This story is mostly about Olivia dealing with what happened. But, it's also going to have some things about fin and how he felt after it was all over. And eventually it will be Olivia telling Elliot what happened maybe some E/O later on. So read, enjoy, and review.
Elliot had taken Harris away. I was now standing face to face with Malinda.
"How'd you know to ask Ashley about the mole?" Malinda asked
"She remembered" I lied hoping she wouldn't hear it.
"but you couldn't' have know she was right" she replied
God I didn't wont to talk about this I could feel the beginning of tears forming in my eyes. I tried to just look and the floor once I was a little surer of my voice I said.
"I saw it when he had me in the basement "
my heart was pounding and the tears where treating to fall I couldn't go through this right now. I just wonted to go home and shower and shower until I couldn't fell him touching me any more.
But Malinda's next question almost sent me tumbling over a fine line that I was barely holding on to.
"Olivia…Did he rape you?" it felt as though I had been stabbed in the heart I cold feel my heart aching in my chest.
The answer was No but it didn't mean that what he had done was any less invasive or traumatizing.
I couldn't seem to find my voice to answer her. So I walked away before I said anything else. I knew it would come back to get me she would think I had been raped and wouldn't understand why I hadn't answered her. The tears stared running down my face I could see Harris in my mind. Feel that feeling of absolutely no control. I walked out of the morgue as quickly as I could. She ran down the halls I couldn't breathe. When I got out side I began to sob my hole body aching. I got in her car and drove home.
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It had been four months since the undercover job at Sealview. I hadn't talked to anyone not Elliot or fin. And I had only seen Malinda once since then. She hadn't said anything which I was grateful for because I had been with Elliot and of al the people in the world he was the one person I didn't won't to tell he knew me well enough that him knowing what happened at Sealview could harm are partnership and worse are friendship. Even though she hadn't said anything she gave me a very worried look I don't know if she was worried about me or if the look was about the young woman laying on the metal table in front of us.
That had been about two weeks ago we had finished the case with ease and had only been doing paper work since. Yesterday I was talking with Elliot and all of the sudden I saw all of these short flashbacks about being in the basement. But I wasn't just seeing it I could feel it. I must have been acting strange because Elliot reached and grabbed my arm and I came out of it but I was still in shock. My heart was pounding harder and harder I pulled my arm away from Elliot and walked to the restroom's could feel Elliot's eyes on me but I just keep walking. When I got to the restroom I washed my face and got my self back together.
Today we had worked a case involving one of my old rape cases I felt horrible but what mad it even worse was that I had another flash back I played it off as just jumpy when Christopher's case agent showed up but that wasn't it I could feel Harris standing in front of me my hands cuffed to the door and not being able to do a dam thing. I don't know what I'm going to do I'm so jumpy and the flash backs are getting more and more often. I found a number for a therapist that I hoped could help I had an appointment later after my shift.
"it happened four moths ago I was um working undercover in a prison….and the male guard tried to rape me" I was nervous rubbing my hands the
Therapist was looking straight at me but I was having a hard time making eye contact it was hard enough admitting it to a stranger but easier then admitting it to a friend.
"and I was I was okay at first and then….I've started reliving it……I just feel really jumpy and I can't sleep…and I feel very out of control." why am I doing this.
"And the thing is that I wasn't even raped." it didn't make since to me I couldn't explain it to my self and now I'm sitting here explain it to a shrink
"Olivia, you were sexually assaulted "
"yea he came so close and there was nothing I could do to stop him… he had a weapon….and he completely over powered me….and I never should have let him take me down there…'cause I know better then that…." I could feel that over whelming feeling welling up inside of me again. It was all my fault. And I knew it.
"Rape victims often blame them selves. You know how misplaced that blame is." The shrink said
"I know I know I know that here. I've told that something to a lot of women."I reply thinking what a line it was because for them it wasn't there fault…but me I know I know better then that. I never should have gone down there and I never should have let him get so close.
"But now I...…I feel…I feel like I don't deserve to be here…. But I feel…I feel like…he stole something from me…………………and I….I need help….dealing with it."I could feel the fear swelling in my chest, the tears in my eye.
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We just finished a case captain told me to take some time off. I don't know what I'm going to do I was going to work to keep things normal. But nothing is normal standing up here on the roof looking out at the city my arms folded across my chest I feel like nothing will ever be normal again. I herd the door behind me open I couldn't get my self to turn around and see who was standing behind me. I didn't wont to because I didn't wont then to see the tears that were spilling down my cheeks felt the hand on my shoulder and I flinched away involuntary.
"Liv" the voice said it was Fin my guardian angle big brother.
I didn't reply. I couldn't trust my voice I just stood there staring out at the city.
"You alright?" I could here the worried in his voice.
"Yea" I said quietly I raised my hand and wiped the tears away
"You wanna talk you know I'm always here for ya?"He said caringly
"Yea I know, Capt. won't me to take some time. I don't think I can."
"What really happened in that basement Liv?"
"Fin….I can't "I said as the tears spill down my face I start to sob he takes me in he's stronger arms and held me as I cried.
"Its okay, its okay, everything's going to be fine" no it wasn't.
"I'm so scared Fin. I….I don't wanna go home I don't want to think about it anymore. I just wont it to go away."I cried, trying to contain my sobs.
"I know I Know"
Once I had stopped crying pulled away from him and looked at him face to face.
"Fin…..Thank you" I said looking straight into his eyes.
"For what?" I could see fin was confused he didn't know how close I was in that basement that night. How if he hadn't have come just then what would have happened.
"Fin you were there you saved me" my bottom lip quivered trying to regain some control of my self.
"I should have kept a closer eye on you nothing should have happened it shouldn't have gone down like it did. I'm sorry"
"You never have to tell me that you're sorry. You were there when it mattered; I would trust you with anything. And I didn't always feel like I could completely trust you but in these last few years you have sown me that I can trust you and I do with my life."Fin hugged me tight.
"You won't me to drive you home or go get some coffee?"Fin asked
"Coffee sounds good"
COFFEE*COFFEE*COFFEE*COFFEE*COFFEE*COFFEE*COFFEE*COFFEE*COFFEE*COFFEE*
We were sitting across from each other in a coffee shop about a block and a half from the precinct.
We sat quietly as we sipped on are coffee. I had to say something to Fin he had just watched me Fall apart .I couldn't have him going around telling people I was emotional unstable and that I was in the middle of a complete break down.
"Fin…."I started but didn't quit know the next words.
"yea" I looked up from my coffee first just a little then I looked him in the face I needed to be stronger again I couldn't be this week if I was going to do this job.
"You can't tell anyone about anything I've said or anything I say from here okay?"I was worried that word might get back to Cregan and I'd be seeing a department shrink twice a week for the rest of my career,
Not something that I would look forward. That would be the best case scenario. I could lose my job or end up on desk duty forever.
"I…..I don't …I don't know if I can promise that." his word cut deep. I told him how much I trusted him and no he's saying he wont have may back.
I stood up and walked away from the table we had been sitting at
I left my coffee where it was. stepping quickly out the door into the brisk New York night I started walking not in any real direction just away, away from Fin away form my thoughts, and away from that coffee shop.
"Liv….Olivia" I herd fin shot from behind me.
"What…..What do you wont from me." without realizing it I had started to cry.
"Oh Liv I'm sorry" fin said reaching out and touching my arm I jerked it away.
"Don't touch me"
"Liv calm down."Fin said but I wasn't in the mood I didn't need a lecture and I really didn't wanna talk about it.
Fin reached out and grabbed my arm tightly then every thing about what had happened in the basement came rushing back I could feel My chest constrict, my heartbeat increase and my breathing became shallow I couldn't move.