Babysitting

by Chiharu Tanaka

I'm not even going to bother editing this because this is pure crack. My ToG crack pairing featuring Raymond Oswell is complete…sort of.

It all began on an off-duty day. It was supposed to be his well-deserved day nothing but peace and relaxation. But no, the doorbell just had to ring that morning, and he just had to answer it.

His dear cousin Hubert was at the door, holding his 6 month-old baby girl in his arms with a large bag on his back. Raymond sighed as he held the door ajar.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of having you as a guest this morning?"

Hubert Oswell, just a few months past 20 years old and just a few years younger than he was, frowned at the sarcastic tone when he said those words. It didn't matter that Hubert was once his boss (and technically still was, only that Raymond was reassigned elsewhere), Hubert was first his cousin and he was off duty today.

"I deeply apologize for coming here without informing you beforehand," Hubert began. "But I have no one else to turn to. Pascal's in the Enclave, and I have to rush to Barona for some diplomatic proceedings…"

"Let me take a wild guess," Raymond said, arms crossed. "You want me to babysit."

"Yes. I'm turning to you as a last resort, mind you - my mother has her hands full with Cheria's baby, and the last time I let Fourier babysit Amelie almost drowned. Luckily Malik was able to help just in time."

Raymond frowned. He didn't need additional reminders of the fact that Cheria was married - and that she recently gave birth to a son.

"What a delight," said the aide as he rolled his eyes. "Surely you can offer me something fair to exchange with for this…emergent favour."

Hubert gave a small scoff. "What do you want in exchange?"

"Another day off would be excellent."

"That can be arranged. I'll inform Lieutenant Reynolds as soon as I get back to the office."

"How long will you be gone?"

The blue-haired Lieutenant sighed. "Tomorrow morning, according to the schedule. I'm running late as it is - will you help me or not?"

Raymond smiled - more like a sneer, actually - as he remembered how he and Hubert used to quarrel over the most trivial of things. They were actually rather close as children, but now that Hubert had reconciled with his family…

"Alright, for my dear cousin," he said, dripping with sarcasm.

A short chuckle escaped Hubert's lips. "It's just like old times, isn't it?" he said, handing Amelie to Raymond. The aide felt awkward while holding baby Amelie in his arms, but watched as Hubert set the large sling bag down on the floor. "The formula milk and her bottles are in the bag, just follow the written instructions and you should be fine. Her clothes and diapers are also inside…" he trailed off as he saw Amelie giggling while trying to pull the glasses off Raymond's face. "You…do know how to take care of a baby, don't you?"

"Of course I do!" This was a blatant lie, but he wasn't going to admit this to Hubert. He had taken care of children before - who else was there to take care of the 10 year-old Hubert when he first came to Strahta? "You have nothing to worry about. She's safe with me."

Hubert still trusted Raymond - even after the fiasco with Cheria - because even with insane desire to beat Hubert at his own game, Raymond was still the closest person he had to a sibling throughout his years in Strahta. He knew his cousin was a good man - he just succumbed to his emotions too quickly.

"Alright. I'm counting on you."

Two hours later, Raymond was already regretting his decision. Amelie - even if she was his cousin's adorable baby daughter - with her round cheeks and big blue eyes that reminded him all too much of when Hubert was younger - she was also capable of a ear-shattering cry and it drove him up the wall.

He eventually figured out that she was hungry, and scurried to the kitchen to boil hot water when the doorbell rang. Again. Groaning, he left the kettle to boil while he tried to console the baby girl crying in his arms.

It was a sight to behold, one must admit, when the door swung open and there stood Raymond, his hair unkempt (because Amelie tossed his hair tie to who knows where), his glasses crooked as a baby girl - not just any ordinary baby girl but one with blue hair - was being cradled in his arms.

"Hubert told me to come check on you…" the visitor said, one hand on her generous hips as she looked up at Raymond. She snorted back a laugh. "Are you okay?"

Raymond's scowl deepened. "Marian," he said, glaring at the brunette as she began snickering; her dark brown eyes twinkling with amusement. "For the love of Strahta…you certainly picked the perfect time to come."

She burst out into laughter, and he had to fight off his sudden desire to slam the door right in her face. But he couldn't - not when he had his hands full shaking baby Amelie in attempt to stop her tears.

"Oh, okay…I'm okay now," she gasped, still clutching onto her stomach. She walked right into his house and took baby Amelie into her arms. "Gosh, when Hubert said you were going to take care of her, I swore to myself that I had to see that."

"I'm grateful for your concern."

"Aw, c'mon, don't scowl like that. It's no wonder the girl is crying - you have a terrifying face."

Raymond's hazel eyes actually twitched now, and he threw his hands up in the air, giving up. "Fine, do as you wish. Just make her stop crying!"

"Where are you going?" she called after him, as he disappeared behind a corridor.

"She's hungry, isn't she?!" he yelled back, and Marian merely smiled while rocking Amelie gently up and down.

"Look at your Uncle Raymond. He loves you so much, doesn't he?"

"Why did you tell him you knew how to babysit?" Marian asked, bewildered at him after Amelie was pacified with the bottle of milk and lying comfortably in her arms. "I know you well enough to guess that you've never touched a baby your entire life. You're the youngest in your family, after all."

Raymond sighed. "Hubert must have been that desperate; otherwise why would he have come to me? He could have just as easily come to you? Speaking of which, why didn't he turn to you? You certainly proved your capabilities as a decent babysitter."

"Maybe he thought I was busy at the shop," she replied, resting her head against the sofa.

"Why aren't you at your shop?"

Marian smiled. "I'm renovating. Apparently a lot of people want to polish their gems when they discovered that my list of clients included people who saved the world."

He was silent as he averted his gaze away from her. He still had lingering feelings for Cheria, but they had lessened significantly after she got married to Asbel. Moreover, he felt a little bitter that Hubert was part of that 'save-the-world' crew, and effectively reconciled with his older brother thanks to that. Not that he didn't want what was best for Hubert - but he wasn't exactly chums with his older brothers…

Marian let out a small chuckle as she placed the bottle on the coffee table and saw Amelie yawning. Like a parent, she held Amelie over her shoulder before tapping her back until she burped. "You have to let her burp after a meal," she explained. Raymond looked at her quizzically. "What? You're going to have your own children someday. Don't tell me you're so rich that you're gonna employ a nanny to take care of your kids."

"That did not cross my mind," he replied, slightly embarrassed. How was it that Marian knew all these things? He remembered how they - he and Hubert - met her while in the military. She was just a soldier, albeit female, in their platoon - a girl who was a year older than Hubert at the time from a middle-class family. Although she was tough and skilled with a sword (unlike other female soldiers who preferred to cast magic), she always felt like she was meant to do something else.

Truth be told, he was the first to notice that she had a fascination for cryas, crystals and gems in particular. She would pick them up after killing monsters, and he would catch her staring at a bright red one when she was supposed to take watch. He had off-handedly mentioned this to Hubert, intending to get his cousin to reprimand her on her daydreaming; but instead Hubert bought her polishing tools…and that led to her leaving the army for her current business, which she was a lot happier doing.

He sighed. He wasn't exactly happy in the military either. Always having to live in Hubert's shadow, always being judged by his subordinates and superiors for the mistakes he did in Lhant. He wasn't power-hungry like his uncle; he just wanted some acknowledgement - that was all!

"Raymond?"

Marian's voice pulled him out of his reverie. She was sitting so close to him now - he could hardly remember the last time a woman had been at this proximity with him. He had to admit - she was pretty. She wasn't drop dead gorgeous like Cheria was, but she was pretty nonetheless, with a slight tan and fine freckles across her cheeks from too much digging in the sun. He remembered how she used to keep her hair long in the military like the other female soldiers, but ever since quitting had snipped it to a short bob.

"Sorry, did you say something?"

"Seriously?" said Marian, a little miffed. "I was asking if you need any help with Amelie. Hubert's gonna be away until tomorrow morning, you know."

"I'm aware of that. But I wouldn't want to trouble you…"

"Psh," she replied, waving at his face. "It's no trouble at all. You and Hubert helped me out a lot while I was in the army. The least I could do is help you babysit his little girl."

At that moment, he breathed out a relieved sigh he didn't know he was holding. Having her around to handle Amelie and her unpredictable cries of terror was a heaven-sent; plus it gave him something to do that day - he could catch up with an old friend, at least.

"You've never changed diapers before, have you?"

Raymond's nose crinkled as she removed the soiled diapers. It was amusing to see him - a grown man from a well-off family react so strangely to something so normal. She instructed him on what to do - for once - on how to change Amelie's diaper. It was simple, really, all he had to do was wipe her bottom, powder it and place a new diaper on her.

And yet, it still took her fifteen minutes before he finally got it right.

She was at her wits end as Amelie picked up her favourite toy - a Pascal plush toy - and swung it around enthusiastically and laughing as she did so. Raymond was slouching on the couch - damning the gods, most likely.

There was a feeling she had when she looked at him - maybe because she felt like she had been where he was before. Lost. She had heard of his mistake in Lhant from the gossips circulating around the Commercial District, and she felt bad for him. She knew that feeling - of being somewhere and wanting to shine but unable to do so because other people were just better.

"You know, I think you'd make a swell dad," she said. Sometimes all he needed was some encouragement and praise. He was not a bad person, she believed that.

His eyebrows furrowed as he stared at her. "What in the world makes you think that?!"

"I don't know…even if you've never done it before, and you could've always just leave me to do it, you still took up the challenge of changing Amelie's diapers. You must really like her."

Raymond blushed, and turned towards the baby girl laughing next to him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think…" she continued, sitting next to him. "You secretly like children. Especially babies. I understand - what's not to like about them? They're adorable!"

"You're just putting words in my mouth now, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"And you're enjoying this, aren't you?"

She laughed. "Most definitely."

Raymond said nothing, but picked Amelie up and placed her in his lap. "I've never had the chance to have a younger sibling. The closest I got was Hubert, but he was ten years old when Garrett adopted him."

"Hmm, I bet Hubert was cute back then."

"I suppose."

It was sundown at this time, and Marian's stomach suddenly growled loudly, surprising them both. "Oh gosh, that was embarrassing," she said with a nervous laugh, holding her stomach. "Looks like I'm pretty hungry."

He said nothing, but placed Amelie in her lap instead before getting up. "I'll make you dinner then, as thanks. I'm famished, myself."

Marian smiled warmly at him. "Thanks," she said, before turning her attention to the baby. To get her mind off her hunger, she played peek-a-boo and all that to entertain Amelie, but the smell of food wafting from the kitchen eventually became unbearable to resist.

She carried Amelie and peeked into the kitchen. There Raymond stood, dressed in a blue apron of all things, stirring something that looked like pasta sauce inside a steel pot. She couldn't help but grin - he looked ridiculous, but at the same time she realised what a sweet person he was, beneath his haughty exterior. He was nowhere near as good-looking as Hubert was, and he either invoked fear or anger in the women (and men) who surrounded him, either at work or outside work…

Which reminded her; did he have friends outside work? Besides her, that is.

"What's cooking?" she asked, finally stepping into the kitchen.

"Spaghetti bolognaise," he replied, oblivious to the fact that she had been staring at him and contemplating whether or not to laugh at him in an apron.

When it was finally served, Amelie had fallen asleep (again) and Marian gently placed her on the couch. Rolling the pasta around a fork, she took a large bite and watched as Raymond nonchalantly ate his own portion. Her eyes widened, and she turned to him sharply.

"This is incredible!" she exclaimed so quickly it didn't make sense the first time.

"P…Pardon me?"

"I said, this is incredible! Gosh, this is the best spaghetti bolognaise I've ever tasted! Where'd you learn to cook like this?"

"I've taught myself, over the years at home. Why?"

"Damn, I can't understand how you're so skinny when you cook like this! Your children are going to be plump little rich kids," she said, before laughing. "You, having children. Aha, that's priceless."

"Marian, you are honestly the only person who can compliment and insult me in one sentence."

"Why thank you, I live for that privilege. But seriously, you should teach me how to cook. My little sister can't stand my cooking - she says it tastes like sand."

"You have a younger sister?"

"Yeah. She's only ten. Large age gap, huh?"

"So that's how you are able to handle children."

"Mm hmm," she replied, another forkful in her mouth.

A smile crept up his lips. It wasn't a sneer or smirk or anything - just a genuine smile. Marian blinked - did Raymond 'Grouchy' Oswell just smile?!

The smile disappeared just as quickly as it appeared, as he resumed eating his meal. She gave herself a small shrug, before continuing to eat her dinner as well.

After a fiasco of having to give Amelie a bath, she was clean and fed another bottle of milk after she was dressed. Marian offered to take care of her while he took a shower - he was soaking wet from her flailing in his tub, for goodness sake.

He was out of the shower after 15 minutes, and as he approached the sofa in the living room, he noticed that both Amelie and Marian were already asleep, lying on the couch. She held the empty bottle loosely with one hand, and Amelie was snuggling against her bosom comfortably.

Raymond blushed, shaking his head - he had to get his mind off before it strayed down that path.

He gently plucked the bottle out of her grasp and set it on the table. "Marian," he said, touching her shoulder.

"Mmm," she groaned. "Five more minutes."

"You're going to end up sleeping on this couch with Amelie if you don't get up now."

She didn't respond, so Raymond shook her shoulder again. "Marian."

"Just take her," she groaned. "I'm too…sleepy."

He picked Amelie up and carried the sleeping baby into his bedroom where she would be safe from accidentally falling down. Returning to the couch, he realised Marian had not moved an inch. Did he accidentally placed sleeping powder in his pasta?

"Marian, aren't you going home?"

"Mmm."

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"Mmm."

Raymond frowned. He now realised why she was always late to morning assemblies. She was a heavy sleeper, all right. At this point, even he was too tired to argue with her, so he took a blanket from his closet and draped it over her sleeping figure.

"Good night, Marian," he said, his hand over the light switch.

No response. 'She must be dreaming away already,' he thought.

Marian woke up to the sound of knocking on the door and the doorbell ringing. Groggily, she pushed the blankets off herself and sat up. Realising where she was, she went over to Raymond's bedroom, and nudged him in the shoulder.

He woke up and frowned when he saw the clock - who the hell dare to bother him at 7 in the morning? He got up and blushed after putting his glasses on - Marian casually pulled up one of her loose sleeves back on her shoulder, and her hair was an unkempt as his was. "Someone's at the door," was all she said, before she fell onto his bed with a thud, narrowly missing Amelie by a few inches.

Raymond had to admit - she must've been such a heavy sleeper to not notice that he had woke up in the middle of the night just to feed a hungry Amelie. Because of that he barely had any sleep, and now somebody was at the door - just great.

When he opened the door, Hubert greeted him and Raymond realised what sort of situation he was in. But before he could turn back, Hubert was already inside his house.

And Marian chose this exact moment to stumble out of his bedroom in her dishevelled state.

Hubert's eyes widened in horror, as he looked at Marian, then at Raymond, and then back to Marian.

"Hubert, I can explain…"

"Well, this is one information you conveniently left out."

"Like I said, I can explain…"

"There's no need to explain, Raymond. It is expected, since you are both former colleagues and friends…"

Marian smiled as she combed through her hair and waved at Hubert. "Mornin', Hubert," she said.

Raymond's eyes twitched. "Don't just stand there and greet him - explain! This whole situation is a misunderstanding…"

"That's enough, Raymond, I don't need graphic representation of whatever relationship you're having. Where's Amelie?"

Raymond sighed - knowing that his cousin would not listen to what he had to say now - just like he always did when he formed his own conclusions. "I'll get her."

That morning, Raymond decided that he would not babysit Amelie ever again. But life was hard to predict when he decided to quit the army after 3 months since that incident. Two years later, he was a kindergarten teacher, taking care of pre-school children and teaching them things ahead like their rich parents want them to learn.

And as for his relationship with Marian, that story became the gossip that spread from Hubert, then to Pascal, who passed it to Fourier, who told Malik off-handedly, who told Richard, who told Sophie with a chuckle, who passed it on to Asbel as a question, and eventually Asbel told Cheria like it was no big thing.

Cheria merely smiled and wished him happiness in that relationship when she met him several months later, and he was flabbergasted.

His ultimate conclusion was that word travelled fast, even if originated from Hubert.

END

A/n: I don't know what the hell this is, seriously. I started with a few paragraphs and ended up with 3000 words. This is largely thanks to the fact that I vaguely remember Pengie saying that Raymond became a kindergarten teacher in her headcanon. I was wondering "why?" and this is the result, sort of. Marian ended up in this because the first time I read futatsu boshi and she mentioned both their names in one sentence and I was like OMG is she gonna ship that? But no, she didn't so I took the liberty of trying it out.

I imagine Marian to be a tough chick - she's gotta be one if she mines for gems and likes polishing them. And by her state of dress she's not really sophisticated or 'girly' like Cheria is. And I imagine Raymond must've taken care of Hubert as a kid, thanks to the Raymond & Hubert fanarts on pixiv

Okay gotta study now. Hope you enjoyed the crack because my brain is not working now welp