He would gladly live through it all again if he was given the choice. Gilbert would face the heartbreaks if it meant that the future would be filled with their laughter, the dark days of his past would be noting but annoyances on the way to what was a bright and comforting present. He didn't even have to think about it, because he already knew that he would try it again if he could.
And he was going to until he got it right.
Gilbert would keep living his life over again until he managed to save Mathew. He simply couldn't understand why each and every time it was him and not Gilbert that died. The only thing that kept him from collapsing over the now cold body in a mental break down was the single driving thought that had brought him back time and time again. Save him this time. Gilbert leaned down and kissed Mathew gently on the forehead, almost picturing the quiet boy's indigo eyes flittering open, laced with surprise and affection. But they didn't.
Gilbert couldn't even count how many times he had relived this day anymore. He knew that there would be a celebration the night before and the brand of shirt that Mathew would wear as he left the house. Gilbert remembered that phone call that would spark and argument and he remembered apologize far too late. He knew everything there was to know about the day Mathew died, no matter when or how it occurred he knew. And as he slowly moved the empty shell of a person off of his lap and placed it on the ground, Gilbert knew exactly where to find little white wildflowers that he would make into a crown before leaving.
He wouldn't give up on a happy ever after, not for all the money in the world. He would rather die than stop trying to save Mathew. Gilbert didn't want to even think about giving up on the one person that continuously gave and gave and gave to the world without expecting much back. People like Mathew were rare and to let one slip through was a crime Gilbert wasn't willing to commit.
Gingerly resting the crown in the fluffy blond waves that had been braided and dyed and long and short but always unmistakably Mathew's, it didn't matter when he met Mathew or what he was dressed like, Gilbert would always recognize him. Gilbert knew that he would find him on the day before his brother's birthday, every single time he found him on that day. Gilbert would get to relearn everything that he had grown to love and care about concerning the boy in front of him.
He knew that he had to leave soon or he would risk breaking the cycle, but leaving Mathew like this never got any easier.
He closed his eyes briefly, doing his best to shut out the memories that danced behind his eyelids. Each death bleeding into the next, shot, stabbed, run over, drowned, all equally as horrifying, and yet unique in the levels of terror and pain they caused.
He took a deep breath and looked at Mathew for what would be the last time in a long, long time. He desperately tried to force himself to remember the way that his hair framed his face and the one little cowlick that curled up strangely. He etched the design of his glasses into his brain and recounted the squares on his plaid shirt.
Knowing all the while that it was futile. He wouldn't remember the cycle until he had already reached the end of it. He wouldn't recall that Mathew wore this particular shirt on the day that he died until Gilbert was holding his corpse in his hands, begging him to come back. It was a vicious cycle, and one that he continued to go through until they lived past this godforsaken day.
He brushed Mathew's cheeks softly with his thumb, before standing quietly and turning towards the grass behind him. He closed his eyes and stepped as if dropping into a crack in the earth that went straight down to the core. His mind slipping in and out as the wind rushed past him and he tried to focus on remembering as much as he possibly could. The drop down stole a memory from him every time he blinked. Just before hitting the void and losing everything, Gilbert began to cling desperately to anything that he could inside his mind. He could see blond hair and mesmeric eyes. He stared kept his eyes open as wide as he could to prevent losing the little details and searched desperately for name, coming up with just one before his conscious faded out.
Birdie.