Totally okay

If there is one thing about his life that Isak is truly grateful for, it's having Jonas as his best friend. Because Jonas has got to be the best best friend in the history of best friends.

Isak is sure of it.

And thus, he is ever so glad that he never developed a crush on said best friend.

Because if he had, then he would never have told Jonas about possibly maybe not being completely entirely straight back in the summer before their first year at Nissen.

And then his life would have sucked. Isak just knows it.

But Isak hadn't developed a crush on his admittedly awesome and - in Jonas' own words - 'very crush-worthy' best friend.

Instead the revelation of his possible non-straightness came about in a rather boring fashion in the middle of a conversation with the guys from middle school. They were talking about the girls in their class and their respective cup sizes.

And while Isak could talk tits with the best of them, imagine his shock at suddenly realizing that he honestly couldn't have been less interested in the topic itself.

He would rather have talked about the guys' asses.

...

The fuck?

Thankfully, he had the 'I'm the biggest player on the planet' deal down to an art and safely made it through the discussion of who would rather hook up with whom.

Despite utterly freaking out on the inside.

He went home and freaked out there for a while.

After that the evidence just kept piling up. Now that he had realized that he might possibly be not entirely straight, Isak became conscious of the fact that his eyes tended to follow other guys around the room, that he could sort the boys in their class by eye color, could tell you which of them had the hottest ass or the nicest hands.

Watching movies, he tended to repeat the scenes with shirtless guys rather than those with mostly naked girls.

He could even tell you the names of male porn stars which was apparently 'the gayest thing ever' according to the internet.

And a rather brave 'research' binge made it very clear, that he did in fact get turned on by gay porn.

Fuck.

He spent the next few weeks staring at girls, doing his best to find any of them attractive.

He didn't. At all.

The longer he stared the more he started to question just what was supposed to be attractive about them in the first place.

Instead his eyes always seemed to stray to the guys standing with the girls.

At this point, Isak was truly freaking out.

It didn't help that his life sucked in general. What with his Mom's raving about the apocalypse and the fact that some days she didn't even seem to recognize him anymore. And his father was spending less and less time at home. Not like Isak was any better, spending as much time as possible away from home.

And now having to hide that he wasn't in fact as normal as he had previously thought, always worried that someone would figure it out somehow, and so desperately afraid of the reactions of the people around him.

Isak felt like he was drowning.

So, he started dragging Jonas to every single party he could find - not that his best friend was complaining - so he could get endlessly wasted and just forget for a few moments.

And then came the day that suddenly made everything at least a little more bearable.

It was a normal Friday and they were going to a party at Daniel's place later. It was the last party of the school year and Jonas' parents were conveniently out of town, so the two of them went to his house for pregame.

Having no parental supervision at all for once, they had started drinking right after getting there after school and by now they were more than a little wasted. The party wasn't supposed to start for another two hours.

Both of them were on Jonas' bed, Jonas lying down and Isak sitting at the foot of the bed, leaning against the wall.

His best friend was drunkenly ranting about some psycho-shit Ingrid had pulled this week. Isak didn't say that she was kind of right to be jealous considering Jonas was had hooked up with Eva. He just nodded along emphatically, always on his best friend's side.

And while he was watching Jonas rant about his recently so complicated love life, Isak suddenly realized that he wasn't attracted to his best friend at all.

Huh, that was a relief.

Which he immediately told Jonas.

"I don't think you're hot." Isak said emphatically, feeling elated and grinning stupidly.

Jonas rant ground to a halt, as he immediately protested. "Hey! What the fuck, man? Of course I'm hot!"

Isak shook his head, trying to get his point across. "But I don't think you're hot."

"Well, duh, man. It's not like you're gay." Jonas rolled his eyes.

Silence.

Suddenly, Jonas was sitting up, staring at him intently, though wobbling slightly from side to side.

"But it would be totally okay if you were! You know?"

"Yeah." Isak paused. "Totally okay?"

The last came out like more of a question than a statement.

Jonas fell back on the bed. "Yeah, man. Totally okay."

Isak didn't remember much else of the night. They just kept drinking in Jonas' room and never actually made it to the party.

But the next morning sure was awkward.

Isak had been panicking internally ever since waking up and remembering that he had pretty much come out to his best friend last night.

But Jonas so far hadn't mentioned it and now Isak wasn't sure whether to be relieved that maybe Jonas didn't even remember what Isak had said. Because that would mean Jonas didn't know. But also that Jonas didn't know.

Dammit, he was giving himself a headache.

Then, while they were eating left-over pizza for breakfast, Jonas suddenly looked up.

"So, who is the hottest guy in our class?" He asked casually.

And Isak's heart just stopped.

Jonas remembered. And Isak knew that he hadn't clearly said he might be less than straight yesteraday, so he could still avoid it, could simply pretend he didn't know what Jonas was talking about, deny remembering yesterday, or laugh at Jonas, tell him he had completely misunderstood, or tell him he had just been joking.

There were countless ways to deny what he had implied about his sexuality yesterday.

But Isak was just so exhausted.

Exhausted from his parents' constant fighting, his mother's episodes, his doubts about his own sexuality, always doubting whether someone might be able to just tell somehow that he maybe wasn't entirely straight. And so exhausted of always being afraid about people's reactions.

He hadn't really been sleeping for weeks now. And he was just tired of having to hide everything, having to act like he was fine.

And the only place where he never had to pretend to just be alright was his best friend.

Jonas was his safe place.

So, Isak gathered what little courage he had, looked at his best friend and said, "Pfft, we don't have any hot guys in our class."

Jonas looked affronted. "What about me?"

Isak raised his eyebrows. "You?"

"Yeah, me! I'm totally hot." He exclaimed.

And at the easy banter, some of the tightness in Isak's chest finally released.

He pretended to look his best friend over, before saying, "Hm, maybe a little."

Jonas pumped a fist in the air like the dork he was. "Yes! I knew it!"

Then Jonas seemed to have another thought, quickly turning back towards him, "Have you ever had a crush on me?"

Isak choked on his water. "No! You?! No, no, no, no, no."

Jonas was looking even more affronted now. "What do you mean 'no, no, no, no, no'? Am I completely unattractive or what?"

"No, but just... no." Isak was grinning, helplessly fond of his best friend and his antics.

"Hey, I'm totally cursh-worthy!"

Isak snickered. "Crush-worthy? Really?"

"What? I am." Jonas sniffed imperiously.

Isak snorted.

There was a pause as they continued eating. Then Isak just couldn't help himself. He had to ask.

"So, we're okay." He knew his insecurity was showing, but dammit this was his best friend. He was allowed to be insecure with his best friend.

Jonas looked at him seriously. "Totally okay."

And that was that.

After that, nothing really changed. Being home still sucked and school was coming ever closer. They continued going to parties, Jonas fought with Ingrid and hooked up with Eva.

While Isak had always been a little jealous of Jonas' girlfriends, it was only because he simply didn't like having to share his best friend with anyone. Hey, he was an only-child, he didn't like sharing, so sue him!

Isak didn't come out to anyone else - having no interest in subjecting himself to teenage bullshit on that front - and Jonas was always there whenever Isak just needed to rant or get shit off his chest.

Jonas finally broke up with Ingrid and got together with Eva, who Isak had always liked better anyways.

So, all was good on that front.

Their first year at Nissen started and the only real difference compared to the holidays, was that he now had to set an alarm again and parties were only on the weekends.

Life was alright.

Isak started hooking up with girls at parties again. And of course, Jonas asked about it the first chance he got.

"So, Sara?" His best friend was looking rather skeptical.

Isak tried to explain that he very much liked hooking up with someone but there wasn't a single guy at Nissen he would be willing to come out to the entire school for.

He finished with, "Kissing Sara is nice."

Jonas snorted. "Yeah, if you think kissing a girl is 'nice', then you're definitely not bisexual."

Isak rolled his eyes. Jonas now thought himself an expert on sexuality after extensively researching the LGBTQ community. And now, his best friend had made it his mission to figure out whether Isak was entirely gay or maybe bisexual or pansexual or any of the other many diverse denominations out there.

Not like Isak could help him on that particular quest. Because he had never really been attracted to anyone in particular. He honestly had no idea.

And in another a rather intense conversation with Jonas about being proud of his sexuality, Isak had finally lost his patience with his best friend, telling him that he just didn't want to deal with the repercussions of coming out when he didn't even have anyone he was attracted to.

"Look, I don't care what they think. Not really." Isak was saying exasperatedly.

Jonas was watching him skeptically.

Isak felt like he had been repeating himself for hours. "I really don't. But that doesn't mean, I want to deal with the shit that comes with being gay in school. Not if there is really no reason to come out in the first place."

Now, Jonas was looking thoughtful. "So, you're saying that if you were actually attracted to anyone, then you might come out."

"Exactly." Finally! Isak thought.

Jonas was clearly realizing that Isak was getting annoyed with being constantly pestered about coming out of the closet.

He hesitated. "Look, man. I'm not trying to pressure you or anything. It's just that you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself, you know?"

"Yeah, man. But, you know, you're the only one at school whose opinion I give a fuck about. And you already know. I couldn't care less about everyone else."

Now, Jonas was grinning goofily, waggling his eyebrows.

Isak rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah."

He sobered again, saying seriously. "But there is always a few homophobic assholes anywhere you go. I just don't want to deal with that shit until I have to."

Now, Jonas looked thoughtful.

Isak learned that their conversation had prompted his best friend to go on another research binge. Jonas came up to him the next day at school, grabbed his arm and pulled him to aside from their group.

"You're not telling until it's worth it?" There was far more understanding in his best friend's eyes than before.

"No, I'm not." Isak confirmed.

Jonas gave a single emphatic nod. "Okay."

They turned to walk back to the group.

Isak watched his best friend, who was a little wide around the eyes. Jonas had clearly found some of the same shit Isak had found when looking into homophobia in high school. Teenagers can be beyond cruel and mob mentality sucks.

"You okay?" Isak asked before they reached the others.

Jonas looked over at him for a few moments, before confirming. "Not totally, but okay."

Another hurdle taken and Isak now had his best friend supporting his decision to stay in the closet for as long as he pleased. He really had the best friend in the whole damn world.

Thankfully, Isak's reputation as a player had somehow transferred over from middle school to Nissen and thus, no one ever even thought to question his sexuality. Although, how he got that reputation in the first place, he honestly had no idea.

But there were rumors out there of him hooking up with several girls, most of which Isak didn't even know. Jonas was the only one who knew that none of the rumors were true but whenever asked about Isak's 'player ways' he just grinned and gave some bullshit answer, not confirming anything but making it sound like the rumors were in fact true.

Jonas really was the best best friend in the history of best friends.

Although, Jonas also made sure to rib Isak about it as much as possible.

Isak the player.

Who had hooked up with a grand total of three girls in his entire life.

Jonas thought it was hilarious.

Sometimes Isak feels like shoving his best friend down a ravine.

Halfway through their first year at Nissen Jonas' relationship with Eva was getting strained.

To his bemusement, Isak was repeatedly being pulled into their drama from both sides.

And while Isak knew he could be an ass about other people's feeling, Jonas' absolute support over the last months had not only made Isak appreciate their friendship even more but also friendship and loyalty in general.

And then Eva told him about hooking up with Penetrator Chris.

At first, the only thing Isak felt was red-hot anger at her cheating on his best friend - despite knowing that Jonas didn't really have the best track record either - but he could also see that Eva was already being hard enough on herself about it and didn't need Isak to tell her just how shitty of a move that was.

Instead he asked. "You only hooked up or was there anything more?"

Eva was looking slightly wide-eyed, guilt pretty much pouring off of her. "No, nothing more. Just hooking up."

But Isak had to be sure. Because this was his brother they were talking about. "You sure? Because if there was something more, if there were feelings involved, then it would be much worse."

"No, really. It was just hooking up." She confirmed hastily.

Isak was trying to think. He knew he had promised Eva that he wouldn't say anything to Jonas and that was his mistake. It also kind of sucked of her to ask for such a promise with something she knows will either be a hit to his friendship with her or with Jonas. But she clearly had no idea, just how much more Jonas' friendship meant to him. There was simply no way he was keeping something like this from his best friend. Promise or no. Even if it cost him his friendship with Eva.

But if Isak was the one to tell him, it would also probably be the end of Jonas and Eva's relationship. It would definitely hurt Jonas far less, if he didn't hear about Eva's hook up from someone else.

So, he started carefully.

"I know you feel like shit and I get that you regret it, but I honestly think you should tell Jonas. Even if it was only a kiss. I mean if it was me and my girlfriend hooked up with someone else but it didn't mean anything, I'm not sure I would even want to know about it."

Eva was nodding emphatically, clearly agreeing with that assessment. Isak actually felt somewhat sorry for her, because he knew that she and Jonas had something real and this might really fuck it up for good.

"But still, this is high school. I mean the chances of this staying a secret are pretty much nonexistent. Someone might have seen you or maybe Chris will tell someone and then Jonas will hear it from someone else. And that will be even worse than hearing it from you."

Isak really hoped he was doing the right thing here. He actually believed what he was saying but he also knew he was biased. He wanted Eva to tell Jonas, so Isak wouldn't have to. And he would. There was no way he wouldn't.

Eva was looking crushed, clearly having hoped for a different sort of advice. But she still nodded.

"You're right. I'm sorry for pulling you into this. I know that isn't fair of me either."

"It's fine. We are friends, so you can always come to me." He assured her. Endlessly glad that she seemed to be agreeing with him.

And apparently, Eva had taken Isak's advice very seriously because Jonas showed up at his house that very same evening.

"Eva hooked up with someone else at Halloween." Were his greeting words.

Isak just sighed. "I know."

He waved Jonas inside, who started ranting even before Isak had closed the door.

"She hooked up with Penetrator Chris of all people. And you know what her reason was? Because she was jealous of Ingrid and thought we had been hooking up! And she said it like that's a reason. I mean if she wants to hook up with someone else, fine, but don't pin it on me. I never blamed anyone but myself for the shit I pulled on Ingrid with Eva! And why that asshole of all people? If she had to hook up with someone why not someone decent?"

Jonas seemed to finally be running out of steam.

Then he paused.

"What did you mean with 'I know.'?" He asked suspiciously.

Isak sighed again.

"Eva told me earlier. At the skatepark. I told her to tell you instead of me."

Jonas looked completely stumped for a moment, before exploding. "She told you? And you didn't tell me?"

"It was literally four hours ago. And I told her to tell you. If she hadn't I would have told you. I didn't say it, but I had given her three days to tell you, after that I would have."

There was silence. Jonas was frowning at him.

"I just figured it would be better coming from her instead of anyone else." Isak asked more than stated.

Jonas blew out a breath and threw himself on Isak's bed.

"Yeah, probably." He admitted. "Still sucks, though."

"Yeah."

Some more silence.

"Thanks, though."

Isak just smiled slightly and asked, "Soccer or blowing shit up?"

"Blowing shit up. Please!"

Isak reached over for the controllers.

Two hours of explosions later, he glanced over at his best friend.

"You okay?"

Jonas grinned, though it didn't entirely get rid of the tension in his expression. "Right now, totally okay."

Everything was good for a little bit and then his life went to shit again.

His dad left.

And Isak was alone in taking care of his unstable mother. He doesn't think he would have made it through that without Jonas there for him.

Pretty soon, he was spending most nights over at his best friend's place. Thankfully, Jonas' parents liked Isak and had known him long enough to realize that something wasn't quite right in his home. They were happy to have him over.

But then, there was the night where his mother completely lost it, screaming obscenities at Isak, throwing things at him, calling him an abomination, the devil, and whatnot. And he just couldn't take it anymore.

Isak just walked out.

But it was also the night Jonas had Eva over to have dinner with his parents. And that was something Isak just couldn't intrude on.

So, Isak just wandered the streets before finally ending up in some kind of bar.

People kept buying him drinks and he just didn't give a fuck right now.

And then the weird gangly dude he had seen hang around Noora, told the older guy who had been buying Isak drink after drink after drink to get lost. He took Isak home and let him crash on his couch.

And the kollektiv was awesome.

After staying there for the weekend, he asked whether he could simply stay. At that point he didn't care if he had to crash on the couch or on an air mattress in a closet. He simply couldn't stay with his mother anymore. She had been getting so much worse over the past months and his father simply refused to make her go to get help.

And Isak just didn't have the strength anymore.

Thankfully, the Eskild had another solution.

Isak only went back home to grab some of his stuff.

That was how he moved into the kollektiv.

Living away from his parents, makes everything easier.

Suddenly, Isak doesn't dread going home every day, doesn't dread leaving his room for the kitchen or the bathromm, doesn't dread getting up every morning and running into his mother, simply because there is no way to know how she would be doing that day, hour, minute.

It takes him about a month before his conscience makes him call his father to work something out.

They come to an agreement with his father sending him rent money and the two of them switching off visiting his mother on the weekends.

All in all, when their second year at Nissen is about to start, life is alright again.

That is when Isak sees him in the cafeteria.

Barely into their second year, Isak is sitting with Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus in the cafeteria, talking shit as usual.

And then, glancing around the cafeteria while listening to Magnus spout one of his wild stories, he sees the hottest guy to ever grace the earth just casually sprawled in one of the chairs across the room.

Isak stares helplessly.

And he doesn't know what sort of expression he is currently wearing on his face but when Jonas glances over at him to share another eye roll over Magnus' dramatic story telling, his best friend does a double take.

And then the guy looks over and Isak is so flustered that instead of his usual calm reaction when caught staring of raising an eyebrow, he glances away. Feeling caught.

He knows he is blushing.

And Jonas is still staring at him, his mouth slightly open.

Thankfully, his best friend has enough self-control not to immediately glance in the direction of Isak's stare. Instead Jonas leans down to get something out of his bag at his feet and manages a remarkably casual look across the cafeteria.

Isak is still grateful that the hot guy isn't looking in their direction anymore.

His best friend turns back to the group, acting completely casual.

But Isak can tell Jonas is slightly wide around the eyes and doing his best to fight the grin trying to spread over his face.

The little shit.

They leave for their next lesson and Isak does his best not to glance in the hot guy's direction again.

He also doesn't see him anywhere in the halls for the rest of the day. Not that Isak is spending an absurd amount of time glancing around, hoping to catch another glimpse. He's not.

When the day is finally over and Isak is fighting with his locker again to get the books he needs, Jonas is suddenly there.

His friend is slightly breathless as he leans in close, saying quickly but quietly, "His name is Even and he just transferred from Elvebakken for his third year. He doesn't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. At least not here at Nissen."

Isak stares at him wide-eyed.

Jonas grins at him.

Has he mentioned that his best friend is the best best friend in history?

Then Jonas seemingly can't help himself anymore, crowing with a shit-eating grin, "Oh man, I don't think I've ever seen you blush before, bro!"

Isak huffs and rolls his eyes.

His best friend is also a little shit.

A/N: I'm not sure whether I'll continue this or expand this in any way. I have too many plot bunnies clotting my brain right now and I'm just trying to get rid of some of them to help me with writing. ...although, this was astoundingly easy to write, so I might actually come back to it. We'll see XD