Disclaimer: I own nothing in the Harry Potter series and the characters you
have heard of from reading Harry Potter are obviously not mine, but others,
(only a few I have created myself so far) are not mine. Oh and all kinds of
criticism is rewarded! Please R&R even if you hate it!
Summary: Event's of the past unfold with the second war, and with it comes anguish, tears, laughter, and things left unsaid. Based around Remus, Sirius, and the past in which both hold secret from all around them.
A note: Bare with me in the first chapter, I know it's not long, but I hope it will suffice until I get the next one up and running.
Chapter one: Looking into a mirror
A pair of delicate, yet deep blue eyes shown barely visible in the darkness. He had not bothered in turning on the light for it would only truly bring him out of his daze, and then he would not be able to get back to sleep. His hair was auburn and flecked with gray, giving him the appearance of a young man aged many years in a very short period of time. His lips were thin and if he could say so himself, one of his best features.
He hadn't bothered to shave within a few day and his face showed it, sporting a thin, yet very defined jaw line. He did not want to admit it that he had looked like crap. Losing several pounds in the last week that he couldn't afford, (for the full moon was around the corner), had added to his list of problems, as if he didn't have enough already.
Damn piece of shit, I hate you. But do you? Said the soft blue eyes back to the voice which inconsequently was his own.
Kill yourself, go ahead, no one needs you on this earth.
"Stop" He heard himself say aloud, he needed to control himself, the wolf was arising and he could feel it in his chest. The full moon was around the corner and controlling himself during this time had always taken the best of his will power, and for him suicide was something that flashed his mind every so often. The week of the full moon had always made him vulnerable and weak.
Get rid of the beast, of me. No one will care, you're a monster. No one cares two shits.
His bare chest rose quickly, scars that went deep littering him now and then. His chest wasn't that hairy. He wasn't that hairy, even though it was that time of the month.
Just another myth you know. None of it is true; a lie; just like your life.
His scars ran deep; deeper than anyone could see, and years of anguish and turmoil had taught him to hide the ones that weren't visible upon his skin. Though some could see through his shield. Kris could, she always saw through his protective shield he wore to hide himself from the world that would not accept him.
Why did you have to leave? Was it that bad here? What was he kidding, yes it was, and is that bad here. Was it me? Did I not give you what you wanted? Was it Sirius, did he not treat you right? I always did, at least I think I did. What made you give up?
He ran his hand down his beaten chest, taking in all his scars, starting at his neck and ending at the cavity where his stomach lie. The soft thud of his heart could be felt against his hands, and he took a deep breath in, trying to think, but his mind was coming unfocused.
He tightened a fist, anger beyond reason was coursing through his body. He felt like ripping his heart out, tearing off his skin, scratching himself beyond belief. His breathing was laboured as he forced himself to gain control, but this time he couldn't, it had gone to far, and for once in his life he hated everything around him.
"Why! Why did you leave me Kris! I needed you and you decided to fall off the fucking earth saving James's life! He didn't give a shit! He didn't care like I did! You left me alone to burn in fucking hell!" He said as he looked straight ahead, his fists so tight that blood oozing from his hand would have fit it perfectly. "I needed you but you gave up! Why did you give up on me! Why you son of a bitch why? I never gave up on you! Was James worth dying for more than I was?" The veins in his neck were pulsing rapidly, his whole body shaking, and yet he stopped, lowering his voice to almost an inaudible whisper "Why did you choose Sirius and not me?" But his anger was back and he couldn't keep his voice down.
"James you ass why did you have to be the god damn good guy all the fucking time? Why did you have to save everyone else's lives instead of your own! Why didn't you leave Lily and Harry to die and run! I hate you; you bastard. Why did you make Sirius Harry's godfather and not me? Did you actually trust the ass? Apparently you did but look where it ended us all? You screwed up James, and you know what? It's not a first! Why didn't you let me take Harry? He would have been better off without Sirius because in case you haven't known he's been in Azkaban for the past twelve years. Do you like ruining everyone's fucking life James? Does it feel good?"
His fists were so tight now, that blood was slowly oozing from them, running down his fingers, his bare chest heaving, his eyes turning yellow as he screamed at everyone he could think of. Alive or dead, for that was what it was now, a screaming fit of anger that could not be controlled by anyone.
"Sirius, I can't stand you! You took Kris from me you fucking asshole she should have been mine because I loved her more than you did! You treated her like shit! We loved each other and you knew it but you had to keep her for yourself. Did you ever now about how she would sneak to me when you were off on your missions, for the order? You would be gone for days at a time and she would come to me for comfort, not you! You knew I loved her... you knew..." His eyes were a fierce yellow. Almost orange.
"She was the one that was okay with the fact of you and I being bi. She didn't care that you and I would make love, but you took advantage of that! You took advantage of me! And now your back and asking for my sympathy! You want me to help you with Harry, but you haven't had the decency to tell him about her! Tell me, if you loved her so much how come you haven't told him yet! Never crossed your mind did she?" He stopped again, looking at himself, at his half naked body, anger had started to rise again, a new anger. An anger for himself so strong that it couldn't be matched by any other.
"You asshole! Why do you even let people around you get to you! Nobody excepts you and why should they! Your disgusting and you should have died when that wolf bit you in the first place! Nobody ever cared for you because they left you behind! You've been shunned all your life because you're a monster and don't you see the truth in it all! You are a monster and that's all you will ever be! You'll never accomplish anything with your life because you let people fool you! You put on a show Remus and that's all you ever do! You're a monster!" He stared into the mirror, his fist unclenching as another drop of blood hit the floor in front of him. He placed his hand on his heart, feeling it beat, leaving behind a trail of blood in the shape of a hand.
It started somewhere in his chest and rose into his throat. It was canine and evil and strong, and all it wanted to do was hurt something. It could be heard in his breathing, a low growl which slowly got louder with seconds and turned into a scream of anger. He raised his fist in fury and lashed out at the man in front of him, the very man he loathed and hated and feared. He caused the man's face to shatter to pieces on the ground, and took pleasure at seeing his reflection distorted in the broken glass.
He caught a glimpse of his hand and turned it over in amazement and curiosity, taking in the newly formed scars. Laughter arose in his insides, and at first he didn't know why, but then he understood.
"You monster." He forced through a manic laugh.
"Your not a monster Remus." Said a voice from behind him. He turned around, Sirius stood in front of him watching his every move closely from the doorway to his room.
Summary: Event's of the past unfold with the second war, and with it comes anguish, tears, laughter, and things left unsaid. Based around Remus, Sirius, and the past in which both hold secret from all around them.
A note: Bare with me in the first chapter, I know it's not long, but I hope it will suffice until I get the next one up and running.
Chapter one: Looking into a mirror
A pair of delicate, yet deep blue eyes shown barely visible in the darkness. He had not bothered in turning on the light for it would only truly bring him out of his daze, and then he would not be able to get back to sleep. His hair was auburn and flecked with gray, giving him the appearance of a young man aged many years in a very short period of time. His lips were thin and if he could say so himself, one of his best features.
He hadn't bothered to shave within a few day and his face showed it, sporting a thin, yet very defined jaw line. He did not want to admit it that he had looked like crap. Losing several pounds in the last week that he couldn't afford, (for the full moon was around the corner), had added to his list of problems, as if he didn't have enough already.
Damn piece of shit, I hate you. But do you? Said the soft blue eyes back to the voice which inconsequently was his own.
Kill yourself, go ahead, no one needs you on this earth.
"Stop" He heard himself say aloud, he needed to control himself, the wolf was arising and he could feel it in his chest. The full moon was around the corner and controlling himself during this time had always taken the best of his will power, and for him suicide was something that flashed his mind every so often. The week of the full moon had always made him vulnerable and weak.
Get rid of the beast, of me. No one will care, you're a monster. No one cares two shits.
His bare chest rose quickly, scars that went deep littering him now and then. His chest wasn't that hairy. He wasn't that hairy, even though it was that time of the month.
Just another myth you know. None of it is true; a lie; just like your life.
His scars ran deep; deeper than anyone could see, and years of anguish and turmoil had taught him to hide the ones that weren't visible upon his skin. Though some could see through his shield. Kris could, she always saw through his protective shield he wore to hide himself from the world that would not accept him.
Why did you have to leave? Was it that bad here? What was he kidding, yes it was, and is that bad here. Was it me? Did I not give you what you wanted? Was it Sirius, did he not treat you right? I always did, at least I think I did. What made you give up?
He ran his hand down his beaten chest, taking in all his scars, starting at his neck and ending at the cavity where his stomach lie. The soft thud of his heart could be felt against his hands, and he took a deep breath in, trying to think, but his mind was coming unfocused.
He tightened a fist, anger beyond reason was coursing through his body. He felt like ripping his heart out, tearing off his skin, scratching himself beyond belief. His breathing was laboured as he forced himself to gain control, but this time he couldn't, it had gone to far, and for once in his life he hated everything around him.
"Why! Why did you leave me Kris! I needed you and you decided to fall off the fucking earth saving James's life! He didn't give a shit! He didn't care like I did! You left me alone to burn in fucking hell!" He said as he looked straight ahead, his fists so tight that blood oozing from his hand would have fit it perfectly. "I needed you but you gave up! Why did you give up on me! Why you son of a bitch why? I never gave up on you! Was James worth dying for more than I was?" The veins in his neck were pulsing rapidly, his whole body shaking, and yet he stopped, lowering his voice to almost an inaudible whisper "Why did you choose Sirius and not me?" But his anger was back and he couldn't keep his voice down.
"James you ass why did you have to be the god damn good guy all the fucking time? Why did you have to save everyone else's lives instead of your own! Why didn't you leave Lily and Harry to die and run! I hate you; you bastard. Why did you make Sirius Harry's godfather and not me? Did you actually trust the ass? Apparently you did but look where it ended us all? You screwed up James, and you know what? It's not a first! Why didn't you let me take Harry? He would have been better off without Sirius because in case you haven't known he's been in Azkaban for the past twelve years. Do you like ruining everyone's fucking life James? Does it feel good?"
His fists were so tight now, that blood was slowly oozing from them, running down his fingers, his bare chest heaving, his eyes turning yellow as he screamed at everyone he could think of. Alive or dead, for that was what it was now, a screaming fit of anger that could not be controlled by anyone.
"Sirius, I can't stand you! You took Kris from me you fucking asshole she should have been mine because I loved her more than you did! You treated her like shit! We loved each other and you knew it but you had to keep her for yourself. Did you ever now about how she would sneak to me when you were off on your missions, for the order? You would be gone for days at a time and she would come to me for comfort, not you! You knew I loved her... you knew..." His eyes were a fierce yellow. Almost orange.
"She was the one that was okay with the fact of you and I being bi. She didn't care that you and I would make love, but you took advantage of that! You took advantage of me! And now your back and asking for my sympathy! You want me to help you with Harry, but you haven't had the decency to tell him about her! Tell me, if you loved her so much how come you haven't told him yet! Never crossed your mind did she?" He stopped again, looking at himself, at his half naked body, anger had started to rise again, a new anger. An anger for himself so strong that it couldn't be matched by any other.
"You asshole! Why do you even let people around you get to you! Nobody excepts you and why should they! Your disgusting and you should have died when that wolf bit you in the first place! Nobody ever cared for you because they left you behind! You've been shunned all your life because you're a monster and don't you see the truth in it all! You are a monster and that's all you will ever be! You'll never accomplish anything with your life because you let people fool you! You put on a show Remus and that's all you ever do! You're a monster!" He stared into the mirror, his fist unclenching as another drop of blood hit the floor in front of him. He placed his hand on his heart, feeling it beat, leaving behind a trail of blood in the shape of a hand.
It started somewhere in his chest and rose into his throat. It was canine and evil and strong, and all it wanted to do was hurt something. It could be heard in his breathing, a low growl which slowly got louder with seconds and turned into a scream of anger. He raised his fist in fury and lashed out at the man in front of him, the very man he loathed and hated and feared. He caused the man's face to shatter to pieces on the ground, and took pleasure at seeing his reflection distorted in the broken glass.
He caught a glimpse of his hand and turned it over in amazement and curiosity, taking in the newly formed scars. Laughter arose in his insides, and at first he didn't know why, but then he understood.
"You monster." He forced through a manic laugh.
"Your not a monster Remus." Said a voice from behind him. He turned around, Sirius stood in front of him watching his every move closely from the doorway to his room.