Author's note: Warning! This story is NOT canon. Please read author's profile before continuing, lest you be annoyed at this AU. Also, this is the fifth story in the series, and knowledge of the previous stories is assumed without summary here. Lastly, I am continuing the punctuation convention of using asterisks to denote mental conversations. Personal thoughts and dialog with God remain in italics.

Chapter 1

Kirk had become increasingly pensive the closer they got to home. One night about three days out, he couldn't sleep and went to the holodeck for a walk. Both McCoy and Spock saw him go.

"It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's bothering him. You want to talk to him, Spock, or shall I?"

"I will try, Doctor."

xxxx

Kirk was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the holodeck floor, which had not been set to any of the available programs. He turned when he heard Spock approach.

"Hello, Spock."

"Perhaps you do not wish to be disturbed?"

"Not a problem. Please, sit down." Spock sat.

"Do you dislike the available programs for the holodeck? I would be happy to write one to your specifications."

"No, they're fine. It's just that sometimes, I need a dose of reality." He gestured at the bare walls.

Spock did not reply. Kirk sighed.

"Spock, are you here because you have a problem, or because you think I have a problem?"

"As this vessel approaches our galaxy, it is natural to think of the things we are returning to."

"I thought we agreed on brutal honesty." Kirk was confused by Spock's attempt at tact.

"It was an essential ingredient in the success of our mission, yes."

"But you don't wish to live that way all the time?"

"I do not wish to pry," Spock explained. "Privacy is a valued commodity, especially in the close quarters of a space vessel."

"Are you concerned about my privacy, or have I violated yours?"

"Not at all. My concern is for you."

"Spock, I thought we were close friends."

"We have been very close, yes."

"But you're not sure you still want to be?" Kirk didn't want to assume anything.

"Jim, I will always be your friend." Spock straightened as if almost offended that Kirk would question it.

"Under my current definition of the term 'friend', there is no such thing as a topic that is too private, a question too personal, an issue too sensitive. Complete transparency makes no allowance for hurt feelings, injured pride, or embarrassed dignity. Can you tell me how your definition differs from mine?"

"I believe they are materially the same."

"Then can you explain why you are concerned about my privacy?" Kirk sighed in exasperation.

"I am sorry. It is a habit left-over from our prior association. You did not always wish to discuss your personal struggles. I would typically provide an opening for you to share, if you desired a listening ear, while not forcing you to refuse a direct question, if you did not wish to talk. Please forgive me for not adjusting myself." Spock lowered his head and consciously relaxed his back muscles.

"Of course." Kirk smiled in relief. "But let me say this. Just because I am committed to complete transparency doesn't mean you have to be. You have my permission to ask me absolutely anything, anytime. But that does not mean that I will assume the same privilege with you. You may not wish to be completely transparent, and that's okay."

"I am by nature a very private person, but with you, I wish to be transparent. However, I am not very good at it, so if you would be so good as to prod me when necessary, I would be grateful."

Kirk laughed. "I'd be glad to. Now, maybe we can start this conversation over. Why have you come?"

"I wished to protect you from pestering by Dr. McCoy."

"How so?"

"We both saw you come up here. Had I not agreed to follow you, he would have."

"But, pestering?" Kirk was confused again. There was still a great deal he didn't know about these people. He suppressed the mental sigh over the lost memories.

"Dr. McCoy has a well-known reputation for insisting that we face things we do not want to face. When we are annoyed, we call it pestering. That does not stop him however, and we put up with it, because we know he means well."

"Sounds like pestering is another word for demanding transparency. So you just gave me permission to pester you. Will you give Dr. McCoy that permission too?"

"He does it without permission. But perhaps I shall."

"If you did, I bet you wouldn't get so irritated at him for doing it." Kirk grinned.

"Possibly not. I shall consider it. Thank you."

"You're quite welcome."

"Now, since you have told me to ask, will you tell me what is troubling you?"

Kirk gave him a pensive look. "You guessed right. It has to do with arrival in our galaxy. When you first took me from the Klingons, you asked if I would want to return. These last couple of days, I've sensed the Lord adjusting me on this." He took a deep breath. "If it is possible to do, I must go back. I belong to Konti. I was taken from him by deceit. I must restore to him what is rightfully his."

"It is probably possible." Spock's reply was carefully void of all emotion.

Kirk looked at him closely. "Transparency includes the expression of emotion."

Spock sighed. "I am not angry, nor am I surprised. Saying goodbye to a friend hurts, but I will not withdraw the friendship in order to avoid the hurt. I will help you do what you must."

"I am overwhelmed. Instant understanding and acceptance is a rare gift. Thank you, Spock."

xxxx

Kirk told the rest of the crew at breakfast. The response was subdued, even from McCoy. Then he challenged them to a four-hour long marathon volleyball tournament. At the end of it, Kirk was tired, but so was everyone else, except Spock. That afternoon, they each sought out Kirk for a few minutes of private conversation. It was all encouraging. That evening they held another 'transparency discussion'. Kirk's departure was the only topic suggested for discussion. They wanted Kirk to share first.

"This would be easier if you all were angry. I could offer myself as a punching bag, and then we'd all feel better."

McCoy snorted. "You know better than that!"

"I would feel better, even if you wouldn't. All I know about the first time is what you've told me, but this time, it's my decision. No one is forcing me to leave you again. So why aren't you angry?"

They looked at one another helplessly, trying to decide wordlessly who was going to try explaining. Finally, Uhura volunteered.

"Captain-" She hesitated. "The pain is- hard to describe... But anger? Never! One of the things you have modeled for us all these years is the willingness to make personal sacrifices. I cannot think of one time when you looked at the cost to yourself and said, 'no, the price is too high.' As far as we can tell, you never consider the cost to yourself at all. So how can we be angry with you? We can't."

"I would be angry with me."

"Nae, Cap'n, ye wouldna' be angry." Scotty shook his head sadly. "Ye'd be settin' th're tryin' ta figure oot 'ow ta help."

"Which is exactly what you all are doing. Okay, maybe if I just talk for awhile. My feelings about this are pretty confused. I feel as if I ought to want to stay, and I do. These weeks of working with you have been a joy. Being part of this team has been immensely satisfying; leading it a rare privilege. You all have taken me in, accepted me, loved me, made me a part of you. The mission succeeded beyond my wildest expectations, not because of what I did, but because of what you all did."

He ignored the undercurrent of objection to that remark.

"In spite of all that, I don't really feel a part of you. Not because you haven't tried, but because our paths have diverged. You all have a place on the Enterprise. I no longer do. Perhaps it's a blessing that I don't remember it. Spock carries those memories, but to retrieve them risks his life, which would be unnecessary if I return to the Klingons.

"It's hard to explain how I feel about them. I realize it's a foreign concept that they could be my friends. I have less than a year of recent memories, more than half of which was spent with them. I remember the night I tried to share my experiences. You were appalled, even though you tried to see it the way I do. So I don't expect you to understand that Konti and Koh are my close friends."

Chekov shook his head and Uhura nodded. Kirk didn't give either a chance to verbalize their response.

"Looking at the externals, anybody would have to be crazy to choose torture and death over a civilized, safe future, somewhere in the Federation. Or even an uncertain, not necessarily safe future. I know what awaits me with the Klingons. And it's not the first time I've been called crazy." He grinned at McCoy who glared back at him.

"But whether I prefer to stay or go is irrelevant, even if I could figure out what I want. I am going because I have a moral obligation to Konti. I chose to be his slave. That was a life-long commitment. Just because my life has lasted a lot longer than I expected doesn't change things. All of which doesn't mean he'll be happy to see me. He and Koh hated the torture a lot more than I did. Most of it, I didn't care. Anyway, there's an even possibility that Konti will say he doesn't want me back. But I have to give him the option. Any questions, comments, whatever?"

Sulu jumped in. "We'll just have to pray that Konti says 'no' then."

"Go ahead, but I have to go prepared to stay. A slave has no rights, freedoms, or control over his circumstances. Surely you remember that!"

Everyone chuckled.

"Sir," it was Chekov. "If you go prepared to stay and Konti says 'no', then how vill you get back?"

"There are a number of details to be worked out. To some extent, it may depend on where Konti is."

"Cap'n, are ye plannin' ta take yer memories o' us 'n' this mission wi' ye?"

"That is a problem I have been reluctant to face. It would undoubtedly be safer for everyone except Mr. Spock if I did not. Mental surgery is never to be undertaken lightly; I will ask him to do it only if we decide it's absolutely necessary."

xxxx

Two days later they entered the Milky Way galaxy. First began searching for Konti. Kirk said his goodbyes, and he and Spock climbed to First's room. They sat on the floor in silence, but it was not awkward. Neither felt a need for words. The others were gathered in Third's room to await the verdict. Two hours went by. Kirk took a nap.

"Spock, I've found him. ETA ten minutes."

"Captain, Jim, it's time."

Kirk rolled over and stretched.

"Now if you had been Koh, you would have wakened me by running a finger down my spine."

"Indeed."

"Mm- My back is not looking forward to this."

Kirk started shedding clothes as he talked.

"With the massive scar tissue you have, one would expect permanent nerve damage."

"Is that good or bad?"

"Pain when there is no stimulus, as well as an inability to discern touch."

"Charming." This in Klingon. "Sorry." Reverting to Standard.

"Don't be."

Kirk was now completely undressed. He lay down on the floor, and gave himself the injection he'd got from McCoy.

"Goodbye, Spock. No regrets."

"Goodbye, Jim."

Spock placed his hand on Kirk's face. It was the work of only two minutes to wipe the last three months of memory. Spock withdrew, picked up Kirk's uniform, and gave a parting comment to First.

"The stage is yours, First."

Spock disappeared into the room below, and closed the floor elevator. Less than two minutes later, Kirk woke up. First would have a word with the doctor later. That dosage was supposed to be good for at least fifteen minutes. Kirk sat up.

"I thought you were eating me for breakfast. Don't I taste good?"

"Be patient. Konti will be here shortly. Then I only have to explain this once."

Five minutes later, Konti suddenly appeared. Kirk stood up. Konti stared in shock. First spoke into the silence.

"Please sit down, both of you." They sat. "Konti, I am the creature that appeared on your planet some three months ago. Everything I said and did there was for the express purpose of taking Kirk from you. I never intended to eat him, or anyone else. I required him for an urgent mission in my galaxy. Millions of lives were saved through his successful completion of that mission.

"Upon our return to this galaxy, he requested that I return him to you, rather than take him to his own people. He said you owned him, and therefore had a right to the return of what is yours. For security purposes, his memory of the entire mission has been removed. He thinks I am about to eat him for breakfast. Any questions?"

Konti was speechless as he tried to assimilate what First had said. He looked at Kirk, who grinned and shrugged his shoulders. Konti looked back at First, then again at Kirk. "Talk to me."

"My perception is that five minutes ago, he was in the process of eating me. He told me to scream; I did. Suddenly I was here. He said you would be here soon. That's all I know." Kirk spread his hands helplessly.

"Kirk, you died three months ago. I watched him eat you! It was horrible! And the scream - even knowing it was faked, it was awful. No one in that entire arena doubted that you were dead."

"I'm sorry. Can we go home now?"

"Home?" Konti stood up and started to pace. "Kirk, I haven't been home in two and a half months. He disabled my vessel the same way he did the arena. Suddenly I was here instead of on my bridge. I presume here is on his vessel. He must have an instantaneous transporter." He paused and frowned at Kirk. "Kirk, stand up and let me look at you. Turn around. Now close your eyes and think about what your body should look like. Describe it to me."

"Well, the back has the results of 240 lashes; we didn't get to the last sixty. Then there's the usual crop of marks on my thighs." He chuckled. "And then there's the extra ten lashes on the back of the legs."

He opened his eyes and looked at Konti. "Are you angry?"

"No, and I wasn't then either. Anyway, there's no marks on your legs. And your back's been brutalized by something much heavier than anything I did. So the evidence supports my version of reality, not yours. You should be used to getting your memory wiped by now."

"Not a chance." He grinned. "Adjust myself faster, maybe. Anyway, so I'm missing three months. What did he say happened? He took me to his galaxy, and millions of lives were saved. Well, I'm glad, I guess. Too bad I don't remember having anything to do with it. But something else occurs to me. Do I look any older? Maybe only three months passed here, but travel to and from another galaxy? I may have lost considerably more than three months."

"No time travel was involved," put in First.

"You don't look any older to me, which means he has incredible technology. But we already knew that. The thing that has me puzzled is why did he need you specifically, how did he know where you were, and why would he go to such elaborate lengths to get you? He could have taken you from Koh's lab much more easily. Why the elaborate show of eating you?" Konti wondered aloud.

"If I had taken him in private, you would have been blamed for his escape."

"Excuse me, but- why do you care?"

"Because he cares."

"All of which points to the conclusion that you knew Kirk from a prior encounter. You knew he wouldn't fear death. So you engineered this complex escape, complete with a faked death. And now you're bringing him back to me. Why?"

"I would have returned him to his own people. He insisted that he belonged to you. So I am returning to you your property with apologies for its unauthorized use."

"Can we go now?" Kirk interrupted.

"Kirk! What am I going to do with you?! Everyone on Qo'noS thinks you're dead!" Konti protested.

"Well, tell them I'm not."

"It's not that simple. But I've got a question." He turned to First. "If you had to wipe Kirk's memory, why are you willing for me to know as much as you've told me?"

"I have nothing to fear from you or your people."

"I thought you said- wait a minute- Kirk told you to wipe his memory, didn't he?"

"He was aware that his memory of the mission would be removed."

"And whose idea was it to do that?" Konti accused.

"It was not my idea."

Konti turned to Kirk.

"Don't tell me you wouldn't do that!"

Kirk grinned. "I can't deny it, though of course, I don't remember doing it."

"Kirk, why are you so determined to return? There's no reason why you should, and every reason why you shouldn't."

"Konti, I am your slave. I made that choice knowing it was a life-time commitment."

Konti sighed. "If I thought they would let us live and work together in any kind of normal life, I would love to have you back. I have missed you terribly. Several times a day, I hear your laugh, or I know what you would think about whatever. I find myself approaching life with that same reckless abandon. The joy is wonderful, and equally incomprehensible to those around me. I understand you more now than I ever did when you were there." He moved away as if lost in his own thoughts.

Turning back, he faced reality. "But they won't leave us alone. If you return, it'll be back to the torture chamber, finding ways to break you, and prolong your death to make you suffer as much as possible."

Kirk grinned.

"I know you don't care, but I do. I don't want that for you. So for once, I'm going to exert dominance over you. I am your master and you will obey me. You will go back to the Federation, and you will live! No more torture! As far as the Klingon Empire is concerned, you will stay dead! Is that clear?"

Kirk sobered. "Yes, it is. Do you understand what you are condemning me to? A safe, boring, purposeless existence. To live within the Federation without the freedom to be of use to them will be difficult for me. Yet I cannot be of use to you either, if I am to remain as if dead. But if you hate the torture that much, I will go. And even though I will never see you again, I will remain true to your command."

Konti stared at Kirk.

"You really do think of yourself as my slave! You would rather die than live a safe, boring existence, but you would do it simply because I told you to."

"Yes, on all counts."

"Kirk, I want you to be free. Part of what got me through these months was knowing you were free - no more pain. Before you boarded my vessel, you were known as the most formidable enemy we had. You and your ship made more trouble than any ten others combined. Honorable trouble, mind you, but everyone was glad when you were removed from the field." He shook off the memories.

"I would restore you to that life if I could, even knowing that someday we would meet as enemies. You were born for that life. It's what being free means for you. I can't make it happen, because there are things outside my control. But I will do what I can, and pray that God will complete the restoration.

"Kirk, you once did something for me that was just between us. What I'm going to do now is also just between us, because I have no way to make it public."

Konti stood up and took Kirk's hands in his own.

"James T. Kirk, I hereby release you from your commitment to me. You are slave no longer. Will you accept your freedom?"

Kirk stared at him for a long moment before grinning broadly. "Yes, Konti, I will."

Konti gave Kirk a big bear hug.

"I cannot remove the marks of ownership. There is no precedent for this situation. In my culture, once a slave, always a slave. I do not know if the brand could be removed or covered by surgery. Of course, you have innumerable other scars as well. The scars on your soul are not so easily removed."

Kirk shook his head. "I don't have any. There's no bitterness, no soul-pain. I will remember the joy, not the agony." He smiled warmly.

"I'm glad. I must tell you about the collar, however. I cannot cut it off you. It is booby-trapped against tampering. A dozen two-inch spikes would protrude from the inside of the collar before I could finish cutting it off."

Kirk grinned. "Charming. Thanks for the warning, though."

"All of which means that any Klingon you meet will know you are a slave. And I can't exactly make a general announcement to the contrary."

"Don't let it worry you. Even without the brand and collar, any Klingon I meet is likely to know my face. They'll remember I'm that coward slave of Konti's who was eaten by a monster. Should make for interesting negotiations."

"I still shake my head at what you find funny. Anyway, get this 'monster' to take you to Spock. If he found me, he can find Spock. God may restore your memory once you're out of reach of the mindsifter. But if He doesn't, Spock is your best source of data for those missing years. You spent most of them with him. He is your best friend."

"Konti, I will miss you. This is not ending the way I expected. I have no idea what the future holds. But I want you to know I don't regret anything about the time I spent with you and Koh. Please tell him that for me," Kirk requested earnestly.

"I will. Thank you for everything you gave us. We'll never forget you. And who knows, we may meet again. Now if this gentleman will send me back to my own ship, I'll try to figure out what I'm going to tell my crew."

"You could claim amnesia."

They both laughed, bid each other a final goodbye, and First sent Konti back to his ship. Kirk studied First for a moment in silence.

"I don't suppose you have any idea who or what Spock is? He's not the same species as I am."

"Be patient. You will have another visitor shortly."