Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's probably not mine.
Summary: Oneshot. "Jack never thought he'd be accused of kidnapping Carter, of all people!"
Pairings: None
Setting: Season 4
Warnings: Kid fic
A MAJOR MISHAP
(AKA How Jack Almost Got Himself Arrested)
Jack turned into the next aisle of the grocery store and stopped dead in his tracks, a slow grin spreading over his face. In the middle of the aisle stood his favorite archeologist, surveying the shelf of coffee grounds with a contemplative expression. Standing beside him, looking absolutely adorable, was a little girl with golden pigtails and baby blue eyes.
Clearing his throat, Jack called loudly, "Why Dr. Jackson, I didn't know you had a daughter!"
Daniel jumped and whirled around looking like the proverbial deer in the headlights. "Oh, no, she's not my daugh— I mean, that is…" He started to babble explanations when he realized who had spoken. "Jack! What are you doing here?" His surprise quickly faded into relieved indignation. "That wasn't funny!"
"Of course it was! Grocery shopping? How goes it?" Jack asked curiously.
"Sam wants coffee," Daniel said simply.
Major Samantha Carter, Doctor of Astrophysics, 2IC of SG-1, and resident genius glared up at her teammate. In her current six-year-old state, it was less than effective. "Coffee does not stunt your growth," she argued. "Besides, once we get the device fixed, I'll be back to my normal self."
"Janet said you shouldn't have any," Daniel argued.
"Sir?" Sam pleaded, turning to Jack.
The colonel shrugged. "Look at it this way Carter: you've seen what sugar does to a six-year-old. What do you think caffeine would do?"
Sam slumped. "Oh all right. Decaf, then."
Daniel was reaching for the appropriate bag when he heard a faint ring tone. Making an annoyed face, he handed Jack the shopping basket and dug out his phone. "Hello? Oh, General, what— oh. Yeah, okay, right away, sir."
"Is something wrong?" Sam inquired, concerned.
"Sort of. No, it's not an emergency," Daniel said hastily, seeing his teammates' concerned expressions. "One of the teams found a Gou'ald tablet off-world, but the native shaman wasn't too happy about them taking it. He apparently cast a curse on it and claimed it would disintegrate within a few hours. General Hammond wants me to translate it now, just in case the shaman was telling the truth."
"Go on, then," Jack urged. "Here, Carter and I will finish up your shopping and meet you back at the base."
"Okay, thanks," Daniel murmured, and hurried out of the store.
Jack grinned and picked up the coffee (to Sam's dismay, it was still the decaf bag), tucking it into the basket. "Come on, Carter," he said cheerfully to his 2IC. "What should we buy for Daniel?"
…………
Ten minutes later, Jack was happily adding beer to their purchases (it was time Daniel started keeping some at his apartment for when Jack came over), when Sam collapsed. One moment, she was standing beside him, looking somewhat out of place among the alcoholic drinks; the next moment, she let out a single, shrill scream and fell heavily, her eyes rolling back as she passed out.
Instantly, Jack dropped to his knees and checked for a pulse. It was there, but oddly rapid, too rapid. He cursed under his breath, set the shopping basket aside, and scooped Sam up, juggling her slight frame as he fumbled for his cell phone. "This is Colonel O'Neill," he barked into the mouthpiece. "Major Carter's fainted. I'm bringing her back to the base; alert Dr. Frasier and have a medical team standing by."
As soon as he got confirmation, Jack shoved his phone back into his pocket and headed for the doors with Sam in his arms. 'Guess Daniel will have to do his own shopping later,' he thought with a hint of amusement. 'I hope he has enough coffee to last him another day.'
They had just reached the sliding glass doors when the real problem began. A middle-aged lady with a highly suspicious expression stepped in front of Jack, blocking his path to the exit. "Just where do you think you're going with that little girl?" she demanded.
"She fainted, ma'am," Jack answered impatiently. "Would you please move? I need to get her to the doctor."
"And why isn't her father taking her?"
"Her father?" Jack repeated, startled. "Her father—" He barely stopped himself from finishing the sentence with "is halfway across the galaxy right now" and instead settled for, "Her father had to leave a little while ago; I offered to take her home."
"A likely story," the lady sniffed.
"Look, ma'am, I really don't have time for this!" Jack exclaimed, barely managing not to yell. "She needs to see a doctor immediately!"
"What did you do to her?" the lady pressed. "You knocked her out, didn't you? Chloroform, or whatever it is you kidnappers use! I heard her scream!" Kidnappers? Jack never thought he'd be accused of kidnapping Carter, of all people! Now what was he supposed to do? Carter needed medical attention, and fast!
"Put her down right now or I'm going to call the police!" the woman cried.
"Oh, for cryin' out loud!" Jack thrust his hand into the pocket of his jacket and whipped out his 9mm. Yes, it was a little paranoid of him to carry a gun everywhere, but hey, this just showed that you always needed to be prepared.
At the sight of the weapon, the woman shrieked. Everyone else in the store turned to look, saw what was happening, and froze in shock and fear. Out of the corner of his eye, Jack could see one brave cashier inching towards the phone. "Ma'am, I don't want to hurt you, but I really need you to get out of my way," Jack stated in a low and deliberate tone of voice. He aimed the pistol straight at her and prayed she would move.
Unfortunately for Jack, the woman was stubbornly determined to stop him. "Shoot me if you dare!" she challenged. "I'm not letting you get away with this! The police will be here soon!"
It was a standoff. Jack certainly couldn't bring himself to shoot an unarmed and defenseless woman who was only trying to do her duty, but he had to get Sam to the base! If she died because he couldn't get past one lady…
And then, just when Jack was about to risk making a run for it, he felt the bundle in his arms stir. Glancing down, he was immensely relieved to see Sam blinking up at him. "Ca— Sam? You okay?" he asked anxiously.
"'M fine," Sam murmured. Her brow furrowed as she took in Jack's tense posture, as well as her own location. "What happened?"
"You screamed and then fainted. Scared me half to death," Jack told her. "Can you walk?"
"I think so." Sam twisted slightly and looked around. "Er…Colonel, why do you have your gun out?"
Jack set her down, making sure she could stay upright before letting go. He put his gun away and dully explained, "This lady here thought I was kidnapping you. Ya wanna tell her it's okay?"
Nonplussed, Sam gaped at the woman, who was now flushing in embarrassment. "I— I'm sorry," she stammered. "I really thought…"
"Colonel O'Neill isn't kidnapping me," Sam declared firmly. "He's…a friend of my father. He's taking me home."
"It's just a misunderstanding," Jack said wearily. "I know you had good intentions, ma'am. Now can we go? Sam really needs to see the doctor."
The woman quickly stepped aside, still babbling apologies. With a polite nod to the stunned customers and clerks, Jack took Sam's hand, and they walked outside to the parking lot.
Once they were in the car and safely away from the well-meaning but too nosy woman, Jack looked back at Sam and noticed she was examining her shirt with unusual concentration. "Carter? Are you sure you're okay?" he asked.
"Yes, sir, but…I think the effects of the device are wearing off. If I'm not mistaken, I'm beginning to grow, sir."
"Really? You can tell?"
"My clothes are getting tight, sir, and they were loose to begin with."
"Ah."
"Sir, what happened with that woman? She honestly thought you were trying to kidnap me?"
Jack scowled grimly. "Carter, I almost shot her when she wouldn't get out of the way. I thought you were dying or something."
"Oh…she saw Daniel and I when we first walked in. She commented on how we both had…ah, 'beautiful blue eyes,'" Sam recalled. "She obviously thought I was Daniel's kid. It was a logical assumption."
"But if you had really been hurt…"
"But I wasn't. It's okay, sir. Honestly, I'm fine."
"Let's wait until Doc Frasier clears you, okay?"
"Yes, sir."
The drive to Cheyenne Mountain was thankfully uneventful. When they arrived at the infirmary, Daniel and Teal'c were already there. They slumped with relief upon seeing Sam apparently unharmed (well, Daniel slumped…Teal'c just relaxed slightly).
"Sam! Are you all right?" Daniel asked worriedly.
"Yes, Daniel, I'm fine," Sam assured him patiently. "I'm pretty sure what happened was just a sign that the device's effects are starting to fade." She tugged at her pants, annoyed. "Look, my cuffs are too short already."
As Janet pulled Sam away to be poked and prodded, Daniel looked quizzically at Jack. "Hey, Jack, what took you so long? The store's not that far away."
"Er…we ran into some problems," Jack replied briefly.
"Oh? What sort of problems?" Daniel questioned, sensing Jack's reluctance to elaborate. "Traffic? It's not exactly rush hour."
"No, not traffic. Some lady…thoughtIwaskidnappingCarter," Jack mumbled.
Daniel blinked. Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Wait a minute," Daniel said slowly. "Did you just say…some lady thought you were kidnapping Sam?"
"Well, look at it from her point of view," Jack snapped. "She hears a kid scream. Then an old guy rushes out carrying an unconscious girl. She saw the girl come in with a man whom she thought was her father. Now some other guy is making off with her. What would you think?"
"How then did you extricate yourself from this situation, O'Neill?" Teal'c inquired gravely.
"He pulled a gun on the woman," General Hammond answered from the doorway. "Was that really necessary, Colonel?"
"She wouldn't let me get by, sir!" Jack protested. "She dared me to shoot her!"
The general looked tired. "Colonel, I received a call from the police station. They're conducting an investigation into a possible kidnapping."
"What? Well, fine then, as soon as Doc Frasier clears Carter, we can go down to the station and tell them it was all just a big misunderstanding," Jack suggested.
"I'm afraid that's not possible," Janet interjected.
Jack whirled around, alarmed. "Why not?"
Wordlessly, Janet pointed to the bathroom. Sam was just emerging, having slipped away to change. Although she now wore oversized hospital scrubs, it was very clear that she was no longer six. In fact, she looked to be about eight.
Jack buried his face in his hands. He could see the headline already: 'Air Force Colonel Implicated in Disappearance of Six-Year-Old Girl!'
…………
It wasn't as bad as Jack had feared. As soon as Sam returned to her normal age with no ill effects, she used the machine to de-age again and went down to the police station with Jack and Daniel. When the police saw that Sam was perfectly fine, they dropped the kidnapping charges. There were, however, some questions about where Sam had come from and who had legal custody over her. Someone noticed that Colonel O'Neill's 2IC looked very similar to the mysterious six-year-old girl. For weeks afterward, there were rumors that Dr. Daniel Jackson and Major Samantha Carter had had an illegitimate child.
Once Jack was no longer in danger of being arrested, he thought the whole thing was hilarious. Daniel hit him. Sam threatened to turn him into a kid. Teal'c raised an eyebrow at the strange behavior of his Tau'ri friends. General Hammond contemplated retiring.
But two weeks later, there was the accident with some radioactive plants that turned Jack green, and then SG-1 got stranded on a planet covered with swamps, and then the Gou'ald attacked again, and eventually, everyone forgot about Daniel and Sam's love child. Except Teal'c, because he hadn't had anything to do with it, and therefore could tease his teammates with impunity.
…………
Author's Notes:
The idea for this fic—someone thinks Jack is kidnapping de-aged Sam—was originally inspired by a scene from iamdragonrider's fic, It's All Elementary.