Hello, I pulled a muscle and it stings. It rained with clouds so thick that it seemed like nighttime. The hail was bigger than my pinky toe's nail, but smaller than my index finger nail. I am pissed off. Why aren't you?
Rule 1: Don't piss me of
I like this. Even though any other person would be angry, I'm not. I am the man who made the Atasuki so famous, made innovations to instant ramen, hell! practically made instant ramen, and stalled the Kyuubi long enough for the Yondaime to come and seal it away into Naruto. But I didn't give a damn if the paparazzi were chasing me.
Oh yeah. Hi. My name is Koji. Just Koji. KGB as a joke since no one here really knows what that is. Yep, that's me, bored back then and not as bored now.
Maybe you want me to start from the beginning, eh?
Alright, alright, alright. So you must want to know where I started. I'm the same age as Neji. I lived L.A. actually, before it was blown up by like a twenty-kajillion megaton nuke.
Well, how did I manage to do all those things then? Simple, twelve-year coma. Yeah, it sucks, but oh well.
So one day me, still twelve years old, walked out of my dad's house on the second story balcony. Then I still realized that there was a war on this beautiful day, bright, no rain, slight breeze, the only thing that ruined it was the fact that there was a back spot in the sky.
The war by the way was like the Cold War, fear of ICBMs. So then, the idiots running the country were ready and willing to fire a nuke at those guys on the other side, not fearing what they might do back.
"Hey Pops!" I shouted.
"What is it?" my old man shouted back. Y'know, when I think about it, he was a good dad, strict and lax at the same time. He never questioned where I was going; he even bought me a foldable knife, but he always made sure I never did anything stupid. Like the time he first brought me to the gun range. Man, he got pissed off whenever I had accidentally pointed the gun at anything that wasn't a living thing. I mean PISSED OFF! He had ranted on about it for the next couple of days! He had a lot of patience, sure, but once past the line… the only I can think of as worse is a very scary, very painful, very bad thing.
"What's this?"
"What's what?"
"Come here."
"Okay, what is it?" He stumbled out of the couch and went to the balcony.
I pointed to the black dot in the sky and he said he didn't know. Heck, he even joked about it saying it might be an H-bomb, ironic isn't it?
So then I walked into the garage to work out and train more, not that I had anything better to do. Somewhere in between my knife-nunchaku-kicking training (weird but overall a great way to utilize a great way of attacking) I was suddenly dragged into a white room by something. But this white room had only a DVD player, two chairs, and a big-ASS plasma screen.
"Hello."
"Whutthefuc-"
"None of that please."
This guy, who appeared out of nowhere; snuck up behind me; said "Hello"; and apparently, dislikes me cussing, just came up. He had light-brownish hair; he was wearing a white long sleeve shirt, black pants, and the most expensive shoes and watch I have ever seen.
"Okay, what exactly am I doing here again?" I questioned him.
"You're about to die."
"Riiiiiiiiiight. So what am I doing here?"
"Looking over highlights of your life."
"Gotcha…"
"Here we go."
He skipped my birth, my first, second, and so forth until my twelfth birthday party, my "Best Day of my Life" (a.k.a. the day I won an XBOX 360 from Mountain Dew), until two days ago, where something happened.
"D-dude, why you stopping here?" I said with a worried look on his face.
"Well, before we continue to see what you had done to Josey, your girlfriend, we shall see all your sins." He replied as calm as ever. "You went to fight clubs where you made your wealth in dirty money and you made anyone who pissed you off have a living hell."
"Okay."
"Seventh Grade, Patrick, he threw racial slurs at you. Not only did you give him a black arm from all the bruises, you use a public computer to use on him for the next month. He didn't get any sleep and almost went insane."
"I remember that! That was hilarious! He droned in class, drooled on his notebook, oh it was classic. But I only kept it on for two weeks out pity."
"Eight Grade, Phillip, he kept on calling you posse follower, crude names for 'not brave', and the self-appointed 'pimp' of the class. You didn't hurt him physically but, you cancelled his magazine subscription and put his cell phone number on posters saying 'free queer phone sex'.
"Oh yeah, his cell phone was ringing in class and when he answered it, it was a gay guy sounding like he was already having an orgasm.
"And then finally, your masterpiece, Rebecca, you called her the most annoying and most lazy person on the face of the earth. You put her AIM in gay chatrooms. Tricked her neighborhood friends into thinking that his phone number was actually a random, desolate, payphone number. And subscribed her to different gay porno magazines with the 'bill me later' option."
"He was on the verge of mental instability. A classic."
"And now your fight nights, you had attacked a total of 40 people, with 39 knock outs. You lost once."
"The son of a bit-"
"Hey!"
"-gun used bottles, chairs, plates, everything."
"He got you with an electrical wire."
"No. He had thrown one of his buddies at me I just shoved him over to the side and thenthe guyput me in a chicken wing."
"Then that's when he K.O.ed you?"
"No. Even though he had thought he had me taken out along with his friend, he was only half right. We fought until we reached the high bidders room where his boss handed him a gun."
"You were how old?"
"Twelve, why?"
"You beat them how again?"
"Don't underestimate me."
"But still."
"Okay, fine, I studied no charge under some gang members then beat them up after I had to hold back a lot to make them feel superior."
"How long were you doing this?"
"About a year, before you showed up."
"You must have got a lot money for this."
"Yep, that's how I bought my boot knife and my nunchaku."
"And now you must sit down and meet my good friend, Bob."
Then suddenly, two big arms just wrapped around me and just held me tight to the chair.
"In case your wondering I put your little night with Josey on every website I could find." He said.
"Whum va fuch? Fuch yuz fuching fuch!" (What the f? F you fing f!) I squirmed around so much that Bob was having a lot of trouble holding I, and Bob was a mammoth.
"Until you stop moving, Bob here will have to hold you down."
So I stopped moving and realized something, it WAS a nuke. How stoopid can I be, the War, the black spot. SHIT.
"Since you and the rest of the world are about to explode, it's really not going to matter now is it?"
"Okay, so, am I going to Heaven or Hell?"
"Most likely Heaven, but-"
"I going to Heaven, you ain't got nuthin, cus you are stoopid. Na na na na naa!" I sang this until he got soooooo pissed off that he had to get Bob out and put me in a half nelson.
"BUT you could extend your life span by a lot."
"Huh? How?" I questioned as I got Bob off of me, those fighters in the clubs like the half nelson.
"Because of the conditions, you could die, or you could be whisked off to another universe. Your case is one out of infinity."
"You're confusing me."
"I could make it so the nuclear energy would make the energy holding you to this world be destroyed and then you would reappear in some random universe."
"And why don't the other nuclear victims choose this option?"
"Two reasons. One, because you alone happen to be in the spot of the most nuclear energy, so no one else has been given the opportunity to do this in all of history. And two, because the way you will die then is the most painful way imaginable." (A/N And I have a pretty sick imagination)
So I thought it over, I will die in the most horrible way ever, or, I could do something that no one else has done.
"I wanna try it."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, who else can say 'They survived a nuclear missile and was taken to some far off universe.'?"
"Okay", he pulled out a contract and a pen, "Sign…herehereherehereherehereherehere and here!" He seemed to have randomly pointed to some spaces, but! Before I had signed the largest space I read the fine print, ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT. It said:
"He/She who signs this will be taken to his/her universe of choice. However it must be an existing universe lest they wish to die in paperwork. Also, we will not be held liable for what may happen to the signer."
"Oh, and your final sin is having underage sex." Hearing this I forgot what had happened and just sputtered out excuses like crazy.
"OH! Th-th-that! The guy we met, he… uh… used a drug on us both see, and he had poisoned the drinks at the club and- "
"And underage drinking."
"Oh that, uh, just ignore that part, and the sex thingy, just uh, dah, pfffft, I don't know, ignore that part too," gosh I was pathetic.
"Whatever now choose your universe!" After saying this, an impossible amount of names popped up out of nowhere.
"Okay, I want a place with comedy, romance, action-"
"Comedy, romance, action."
"Angst, horror, my likes and dislikes-"
"Angst, horror, likes, dislikes."
"And ninjas!"
"And ninjas! NINJAS?"
"Why not?"
"Eh, alright."
Looking at it, there was only so few left, so, being the lazy and bored man I am, I threw a quarter from my wallet into the air and let it land on one of the selections.
"'This universe has all the mentioned above and ninjas,'" I read. "This one!" I pointed to the one next to it by accident.
"Aright, now, choose a natural gift, such as naturally strong, smart, etcetera."
"I want to be…" I thought about this for a couple of minutes. "…Self-sufficient."
"Huh? Okay. Now, any special abilities?"
"Surprise me."
"Gotcha. Now, off you go!" He started to make a lot hand seals and just took out piano wire and cut his thumb. "I'll serve as you're guide!" he shouted through the winds that were starting to build up around him and me.
"Wait! You're going to go with me?" I shouted back confused.
"Yeah! Don't worry about it!"
Then darkness, no TV, no white room, no DVD player, no chairs, no Bob, no fancy guy, just darkness.
"UGH!" That's when I hit ground a few minutes later.
"I swear I will kill that that stupid mutherfu-"
"Hey I'm still here." That guy was still here.
"Hey wuzzat! Where are you?"
"I'm here, like I said, 'Don't worry.'" He was the voice in my head. Just peachy.
"Fine, whatever. Now, where am I?" Looking around I saw a sign.
"Looks like a gate."
"Naw, it's Pluto! Of course it's gate!"
"Let's see if we can go in!"
"Okay fine, can you just poof away right now, or somethin'?"
Little did I know that the "Chunin Selection Exams" were going on, so security was tighter than normal.
"Who are you?" two guys draped in black with kunai just appeared out of nowhere, seeing it for the first time is cool.
"Whoa! How'd you do that?" I was an idiot to say this, ugh; I want to shoot myself for that line.
"I said, who are you?" he tried to sound forceful, but compared to what those guys said at the fight clubs, that was the most shittiest attempt at trying to make me back down, EVER.
"Ooooo, 'Who are you?' Hahaha. That was nothing kid. Those toys are shit to me."
"We are chunin of Konohagure. You are not allowed to enter without permission from the Hokage."
"Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me." I tried to walk past when one of them threw a kunai at me and cut my shoulder.
"Oh you stupid sun-of-a-bitch." I said to him, "Suck it." Then the sucker punch to the nose, and the suplex to the other guy.
I had barely seen the other guy before he went off to tell his superiors. So before the two could get up from the shock (surprise attacks, very useful), I got their equipment and ran for the forest.
Me: YOSH! There it is. Next chapter:
Rule 2: Don't even try it.
Flames are welcome by all means, to cook the chicken.
And I'll only say it in the first chapter: All characters copyright their respected onwers.