Why is life so unfair?..No sorry that should be why is my life so unfair? Everyone in the square seems so happy except for me. The only friend I have is a bottle of vodka...a full bottle of vodka if I'm lucky. Then I'll be chucking it up afterwards and feeling really bad the next day. Then Mum just says your throwing your life away Lauren you don't want to end up like Billy do you. Sometimes I feel that nobody really cares about me, Abi is loved up with Jay, Mum and Dad are really happy, Whitneys' got Tyler and Lucy's with my cousin Joey. Not that I'm jealous people. Not me. He's the most fittest boy in the square that I'm close to. l can tell him everything. In fact I tell him things that I don't even talk to my friends or Mum and Dad about.
I'm sooo lucky to have him around...
He's my cousin. My cousin Joey. Right. I can't think of him in any other way can I? No...I can't. Ok.
"Lauren are you getting up today or not. It's nearly 1.", Mum yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
Today I have a major headache, and I really don't wanna get up..well not just yet anyway. I can just about hear Mum saying to Dad about my drinking every night at R&Rs'. He's too soft towards me, maybe that's why I'm such a wildchild. Where did I get that from I wonder? This dysfunctional family that I'm part of you dope!
"Look at the state of you, Lauren. I really don't know what I'm going to do with you". Mum says as I walk into the kitchen.
"Oh thanks a lot, I said. I don't have to listen to this y'know. My life is bad enough as it is, so pardon me if I'm Miss Droopy draws all the time!", I stormed out the front door and headed towards the park and nearly bumped into Joey.
"Careful Lauren, you almost caused an accident. Joey said while he held me firmly in his arms so I didn't hit the pavement. That would've been so embarrassing on my part.
I looked at him- his eyes OMG! I could so drown in those brown eyes. His eyes are just bloody beautiful just like the rest of him.
Must stop thinking like this!
"My knight in shining armour saves the day again!", I replied sarcastically. He was still holding me and I pulled away pretty fast because I was having these sensations that I had never felt with any other boy before. How weird is that...
"What's wrong, Lauren. Tell me", Joey asked me. He really sounded concerned about my life. What life? Did he really care for me for me that much?
We sat down on one of the benches in the gardens. I looked at him and thought your my best friend...my very best friend. I just wish we were more than that. Oh for fucks sake here we go again...I'm just getting carried away now.
"The usual stuff. How I'm just throwing my life away...no job, always drunk. Abis' so perfect, why can't I be more like her. Same old story Joey." I must've bored Joey to death. I just put my head in my hands and sighed.
Joey took my hands from my face and held them, he was gazing at me so intensely, as if he was searching for something. "Lauren, don't put yourself down like that. Your gonna be ok. He tucked a strand of hair away from my face. He was so close I thought he was going to kiss me.
Just imagine being kissed by those lips..the touch..the.. Joey kiss me now!...I want you to...
"You think so do you! I stood up quite suddenly. Joey looked hurt and shocked. Right now I didn't care. How do you know. So just go to Lucy and have your love fest. I"ll take care of myself ok. I don't need you or anyone! !"
Well I'm gonna get wasted tonight. Another night at R&Rs' it is. Woo hoo!
Watch out world Laurens' gonna get wild tonight. Who cares about tomorrow. ...not me!
I watched Lauren storm off, why was she always hurting so much? We really do get on well with each other. She knows she can talk to me about anything. She's a very special girl. Always looking out for me and I would do the same if she was in trouble or needed help.
There is something special between us. I've always sensed this connection, but today it just clicked. I'm not quite good at explaining things when it comes to girls, but when I hold her it feels so right. I know she can feel it too. I can see it in her eyes every time I look at her. I just want to kiss her...own her... is that so wrong to care about someone that much ...someone like Lauren...my cousin like that. I want her so bad it hurts. I just wanna be there for her, protect her from a world she hates. I'll make it right by her. I don't give a stuff what everyone says so they can just jog on. It's just a matter of time.
The first time I saw Lauren in the square, I knew there was something about her- then she introduced me as her cousin, Uncle Maxs' daughter! Great! But that doesn't matter. I think she's jealous of Lucy and I being "together", I've seen how she looks at her everytime we're out, now that she's mentioned it that's proof enough for me. She shouldn't punish herself like that.
So here I am in my own crazy world with another drink, quelle surprise! Joeys' working today like I really care! Why is he watching me for? Oh look there's a hot boy in the corner, I'm gonna say hello. Oh and he's a got a friend...Joeys' still watching me...Well he can stare if he wants. He's not my Dad. I can look after myself! I'll just give him a smile, oops he's not looking happy. Well he's not going to ruin my evening.
"Hi, what's your name?
"Ollie, what yours?", asked the blonde haired blue eyed boy.
"It's Lauren, and I'm havin' a great time tonight!" I replied. Ollie put his arm around me. This is getting heavy but I just smile at him. Joey is know glaring at us big time. Why doesn't he just mind his own business for God's sake.
"Wanna go somewhere private?", whisphers Ollie in my ear.
I'm watching Lauren with this blonde boy, I'm not liking the scene at all. She's out of it. I'm going to break this up before it's out of control.
"Oi, get off her right now. I turn towards the blonde boy's friend,"You as well mate." They leave the club without causing any problems. Now I'm left with Lauren who looks at me in disbelief.
"Err, what d'think you're doing Joey? I was enjoying myself there. You've ruined it. Thanks mate". I so cannot believe what Joey just did. I try and walk away but he grabs hold of my arm.
"No Lauren. I was saving you from trouble. You have to be careful about boys like them. I'm taking you home. Come on". I looked at Lauren, she looked really vulnerable now. I put my arms around her shoulders to steady her, she wasn't pleased because she was muttering curses under breath.
"Since when did you turn into my dad? I asked. "I'm responsible for my own actions. I don't need you". Joey doesn't say anything and looks at me. He's probably thinking "what a dope"...yeah you're right. I'm so out of it, I don't know what I'm doing or thinking. "I mean you think you're here to save me or what?"
"I'm saving you from yourself, Lauren". He replies tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and I look into his eyes. I seem to get lost in a moment and I hear a voice somewhere distance...
"Lauren, are you ok?", It's Joey how can I NOT remember. I just smile weakly.
My head feels funny,I feel so safe in Joeys' arms and he smells gorgeous tonight. He opens my front door and we go into the living room where we sit down on the sofa.
"Thanks for walking me home tonight Joey." He touches my cheek. His touch sends shivers up my spine and I feel like
Lauren looks at me very strangely, then suddenly she kisses me. When she tries to pull me down on top of her I let her go. "Lauren, stop it".
What the fuck have I done...oh my God. I can't...I shouldn't have done that!... I'm getting out of here..How am I gonna look him in the eye after this. I hear the front door shut. It's Mum. I bet Joeys' giving her the lowdown of my wild night out! Jeez, my head is banging. I just want Joey to be my friend. Why can't my life be simple. FML!
Lauren kissed me last night. It felt right. Different in a good way. She felt something too. I could see it in her eyes. I have to know otherwise it's gonna drive me crazy! Why does it have to be so complicated.. I think I'm falling for her. I can't help myself. She feels so right for me. I know it.
For the past few days I've been avoiding Joey. I so want to forget what happened. It was a moment of madness as I call it. I'm a wildchild remember..I hope he's forgotten about it the whole thing too. I'm not reafy to talk to him just yet.
"Lauren!", I hear my name being called by a familiar voice. I pretend I didn't hear and start walking faster and faster almost speed walking! Go away please, I can't look at you, cuz it reminds me of what I did. It was so wrong of to feel that way-but it felt so right! God, I have to get these sick thoughts out of my head.. When I'm near him I'm so afraid of losing control...then we might have a situation again and...I can't have feelings for my cousin...it's wrong. I hate myself for feeling like this! Uh oh, too late. I feel his arm on my shoulder, and he twists me around to face him, his eyes bore into my own as if he wants to possess me...
"Lauren, we need to talk". I say to her. She looks at me trying to act dumb. She can't fool me.
"Talk about what?" , she asks.
"Ok, no time for playing games. About what happened a few days ago."
Lauren rubs her forehead looking confused. She's pretending she's forgotten.
"Stop acting like you can't remember Lauren, I was there. I just want to know whether you feel something for me". I am getting a bit frustrated now and grab hold of her arms. She winces in pain.
Ow!, Joey you're hurting me. I don't remember a thing, 'cept being drunk and you were there to take me home...my minds gone blank...I don't know what happened next. I don't remember anything. I swear to you. .
She gives me an innocent look, it's not going to work with me. I can see right through her.
"You kissed me Lauren, so don't deny that it never happened! I just want her to admit she has feelings for me like I do for her. Don't give me that look, your eyes are telling me everything!" I was so close to her that I could her feel heart racing and her breathing became heavy. I looked into her eyes, and she seems to get lost in mine. I lean in for a kiss...
"No...we..didn't...Joey. That's it. I turn my face away. I don't want to hear anymore of this bullcrap. Just leave me alone". I try and free myself from his grasp, but he's much stronger than me. He pins me against the wall in the alleyway, frustration written all over his face. I look down at the ground. He lifts my chin up, his eyes boring into mine...My heart starts beating faster and faster and I feel like I'm on fire. "Let me go Joey." I find my voice sounding very hoarse "I can't...do...this...with...you...". I'm struggling to breathe now. I can't think of you as anything else...your're my cousin, that's it! I struggle with my words... I walk away, but again he pushes me roughly against the wall.
"What the hell do you think you're doing Joey!"
"Yes Lauren, I know where cousins, but I do have feelings for you why can't you see that! I punch the wall beside her and she turns her face away. You do feel something for me don't you?... I gently caress her cheek with my thumb. "You do remember what happened that night Lauren. Why are you denying that you don't want this? She tries to get away again but I pin her against the wall which gets me even closer to her. Her scent is driving me crazy! I just want to touch, taste and feel every part of her. I'm that close to kissing her...
God what the hell am I doing here with Joey, I wish I'd never got myself in this mess. I have got to be strong otherwise there's no going back. He's way too close for comfort. I've got to do this...um sorry Joey it's the only way...I stamp on his shoes, he stumbles backwards and I make my get away. I hate myself doing this but I really don't have a choice. I run towards the playground. If he hates me even more for doing this, then he has Lucy... (bitch) to go back to. I'm so bad...I'm jealous of my own cousin being with my bgf! What's wrong with me...?
Ouch my feet, why'd you did you that Lauren?. She's in denial I can't... 't let her go that easily. I see her heading towards the playground-I get closer ...she's driving me crazy. I just want to talk to her about us. She turns around and sees me and behind her is the wall. She steps back I move forward, until the gap closes between us.
Lauren looks at me...frightened. Why would she be?. I wouldn't hurt her...
"Joey, don't please. Your my cousin for crying out loud...I can't do this with you...You have Lucy and I.. Joey comes closer inches away from my face he touches my cheek and tucks my hair behind my ear. I know he's gonna kiss me, so I turn my face away, he just can't take the hint. I struggle to push him away, I'm losing this battle, cuz he grabs my face in his hands and kisses my lips, they feel sore and bruised but yet I like it..this is ecstasy...pleasure...crazy. Joey smiles in between kisses... "You...don't effect me Joey, I say gritting my teeth. You don't effect me at all, I raise my voice pushing him away...
"Oh really, Lauren, ?". So when I touch you, tell me you don't feel anything?, I caress her cheek and kiss her neck . She shakes her head. "Liar", I chuckle. She bit her lip. So sexy...I draw her even closer into me. Kissing her ears, neck and shoulders. Her body responds to my touch...we fit. I know we can make it work. I know what she wants... She wants me to mark every part of her!
This is wrong...so wrong...it's sick. I must resist...I must resist! I finally find the strength to bite Joeys' tongue...hard because he stumbles backwards in shock. I don't know my own strength sometimes. High five Lauren. Before Joey has time to recover I quickly run home, and I hear Uncle Derek say where's the fire?". I shut the front door and head straight to my room. I hear Joey calling my name. Why can't he leave me alone? FML!
Bloody hell Lauren doesn't know her own strength sometimes! I feel battered and bruised all over. I know she wants me, but she's just running away from her feelings. She's too scared to admit that whenever I'm near her a fire burns deep inside her. I can't let her go that easily. No way! I'm going to make her say it. She can't hide from me forever...not in Albert Square anyway!
Oh why is it so hard to be me. I can't get Joey out of my head for the right reasons. Ever since that second encounter with him I am ready to become a Nun! I just can't have anything to do with Joey at the moment. I've been through a lot since living here like you cannot believe...and now Joey... aaaahhh! It's been so hard avoiding him. I've been pretending to be asleep or have a headache when visits us, or I go up West when I'm going out...Everyone at home thinks it's strange, but I can't tell them it's because of Joey. Alice is amazin', she tells me Joeys' been asking about me a lot, I just say that I'm looking for a job...me Lauren Branning yeah I know...it's the only excuse I could think of...She said that was great news, wish she had some artistic talent. Maybe I could go round their house to show them my work. Not if Joey's there!
Well people, what a great start to the week I'm having everyones' gone on holiday and I'm home alone. Brilliant.. I can do what I want with who I want with one exception. Mum said that Gran may come around to see how I I'm eighteen I know how to look after myself I said. I could go to the salon to help if I was bored...no way I'd rather be bored at home...sleeping. They said they would be back at the weekend and they left me a number to call in case of emergencies. My life is full of them...so what's new? I'm gonna call Alice over for a girly chat I think. I hope she's free. "Hey Alice, how are you?. I'm fine. I hope you can come today. I need someone to talk to. Ok. You can. See you then". I'm so looking forward to seeing my second favourite cousin.!
When Alice told me that she was going to see Lauren tonight, I said I'd go, well obviously I haven't her seen for a while since we kissed. I can still remember her taste...I want more than that. Anyway I said it will quite a surprise for her to see me, so Alice said fine. This time I have to know how she feels about me. She has to tell me.
Alice is here bang on time too! I open the door, "Hi Ali.. What the hell are you doing here?, I look outside the door, "Where's Alice?". I am sooo not happy right now. He has ruined my day once again.
"I said that I'll make a surprise visit instead", Joey said whilist grinning and looking pleased with himself! !
"Yeah, bloody big surprise!", I retorted back..
I hadn't noticed that he had shut the door behind him, damn!. So it was just me and him alone...together. This is gonna be awkward. "Well, I don't have much to say, except you have totally ruined my plans for today Joey Branning once again!"
He was walking towards me very slowly, I stepped backwards. "What're you doing Joey?"
"I just want to talk about us, Lauren". Joey said.
"Can't you just stand still and talk?. I was getting very uncomfortable now. Why does he affect me that much. Yeah, there is no us. Your're sick. Do you know that". Oh no...before I realised my back was against the kitchen wall...Joey was still walking towards me...looking very serious. Obviously this "ting" he had in head about us was taking control of him. "Ok Joey...just stop". I said. I almost grabbed hold of his arms. This is too much for me.
My mouth is dry, I need some water or something else...
Lauren got herself some water and sat down on the kitchen stool and looked at me in disdain. I could sense she was uneasy about how close I was to her. "Look Lauren, I do care for you a lot, a hell of a lot. When I'm around you it feels different, your the only girl that I feel good around, and that kiss we had the other day just proves it, but I want you to say it"
"You want me what, exactly". she replied
"You know what, Lauren. I know you have feelings for me, but you just keep running away. Why are you in denial. Your mind says something, but your body tells me something else! I know you want me Lauren, I can see it in your eyes everytime I'm around you. But you're just run and hide. I only want to take care of you but you won't let me in. I know you have been through a lot. Why won't you let me help you." She has anger and hurt in her eyes. She then jumps up from the stool and slaps me around the face...hard
"Oh God, I'm sorry Joey. I didn't mean to hurt you"!, Lauren looked up at me, she had tears in her eyes. She looked so vulnerable now. "I'm scared. Really scared".
"Scared of what?", I asked.
"Of how I you. In fact I hate myself for feeling this way about you". We're cousins for fucks sake. I just can't take it being around you. I don't know if I can handle it. Being around you makes me confused and angry, I don't know whether to hate your or...everytime I'm near you it drives me crazy and I dont know whether I can do it anymore...Joey
I went over to her and kissed her, she turned her face away and stood up to walk away. I grabbed her arm and pulled her closer towards me. I looked at her which seemed like ages and kissed her again. This time she didn't struggle. She pushed me against the wall, moaning with pleasure everytime I kissed her, welcoming my tongue into her mouth. She wrapped her legs around me while tearing my t shirt off my back...
"Joey, Joey don't stop, I want you...I want you to fuck me senseless now. ", she moaned and gasped in between roughing up my hair and biting my ear and raking my back with her nails. I could getting hot with ecstasy, she couldn't hold all her pent up emotions any longer. She needed me. I was so relieved to know how she felt about me, we are Soulmates and we're gonna stay together forever.
We found ourselves in Laurens' bedroom and that's where we continued getting hot and wet with each other. Favouring every touch every emotion as if it was our last. It felt so good.
The moment Joey started to kiss me, I couldn't control myself. For time I was hiding my true feelings about him, my cousin Joey now my soulmate. Freaky I know..But I guess you can't help who fall in love with. I'm in love with Joey. I love you Joey.