You often encounter fanfiction stories in which Elbereth and Manwe have a child. If said story is the Mary-Sueish kind, the child is usually a beautiful girl. Well, I decided to write a story of my own about just such a beautiful girl – but trust me, this is NOT a Mary-Sue. It's HUMOUR. ;)

Her name was Lallaith Ellerina. But that name was rarely used, because it was way too long for it's owner to remember. Everyone called her Lallie, or 'stupid little chit'. She answered to both.

She had been hard at work all day, her occupation being to annoy her parents to death. She did her job REALLY well – her whiny voice really worked for her.

"Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommie!"

With a long-suffering sigh, Elbereth answered "Yes Lallie?"

"My brain popped, mommie! I wanna marry LEGGY BOY!"

Elbereth rolled her eyes. "Why on middle earth would you want to do THAT?" It came out sounding rather sarcastic.

"Well, for one thing, he's REALLY handsome..."

Elbereth rolled her eyes again. She had heard this from her daughter quite a few times in the past – ALL mothers in the Tolkien universe heard it regularly from their daughters! It was beyond annoying. Elbereth decided to go for sarcasm again.

"You've GOTTA be joking, dude! The handsome one is HALDIR! You've got SERIOUS brain issues, man!

Lallaith stared blankly at her mother for a few moments, but recovered quickly.

"But... but... Haldir's March Warden of Lothlorien! I wanna have someone who can devote their entire life to me! Like you, mommy!"

At this, Elbereth's annoyance turned to indignation. "Excuse ME, miss, but I DO have a life you know! And it's not devoted to dancing in circles around YOU! And besides, Leggy's a prince, so he'd have even LESS time for you!"

"Who CARES about that? I wanna be a PRINCESS!" Lallie gushed, waving away her mother's argument.

"Lallie. In case you haven't yet noticed, your father is MANWE. Do you know who Manwe is? He's basically the king of all Middle Earth! That makes you princess of Middle Earth! And believe me, Middle Earth is MUCH bigger than puny little Mirkwood!"

"Well, I don't care about being a princess, then!" Lallie said defiantly. "I wanna have a handsome young prince for a husband... and he has to have golden locks and deep, melting blue eyes... like Leggy..." swoons

Elbereth was desperate to shut her daughter up. Otherwise she wouldn't have said what she did. "OK, OK! I'll think about it! But really... umm... if you ask me, being single is MUCH more fun!" Even when she said it as convincingly as she could, it wasn't very convincing. But the stupid little chit bought it.

"Well, that's because Manwe's UGLY!"

Now, we all know about Elbereth and Manwe's undying love – so none of you will be surprised that at this statement, Elbereth EXPLODED.

"EXCUSE ME YOU STUPID LITTLE CHIT! GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW! I'LL NEVER AGAIN CONSIDER YOU MARYING LEGOLAS AS AN OPTION – now GO!

While any other child would have run screaming before Elbereth's fury, Lallie remained quite unmoved. Probably because she wasn't smart enough to understand that Elbereth was even angry.

"No! I don't wanna go to my room! I wanna marry Leggy!"

"You ARE going to be punished! If you won't accept going to your room, them I'll send you to Rivendell – for a century!"

Lallie sniffled. And sniffled. And sniffled. And finally burst out crying. "WAAAAAAAAAAA! I don't wanna go to Rivendell! Elrond is SUCH an ugly old BORE! AND he's FAT! I wanna go to Mirkwood! I don't wanna end up like another one of those Mary-Sues!"

As Elbereth's anger was already getting stale, she decided to be nice. She could afford to be nice, now that she was going to be away from Lallie for the next hundred years! What a treat! "Mirkwood it is, then!" She said, and waved her hand.

Lallie disappeared.

"NOOOOOOooooooooo..."

IN MIRKWOOD

In the woods there was strolling an elf, with golden locks and deep, melting blue eyes. Yup! You guessed it! Legolas Thranduilion, prince of Mirkwood.

And yes, you guessed it again – chance had it so that he stumbled upon Lallie. ' That's interesting! Yes... that's VERY interesting... well, the natural thing to do, upon seeing a beautiful damsel in distress, is saving her, of course.'

And so, the foolish little elf walked right up to Lallie and offered her his hand. "How can I help you, lady?" He had NO idea what he was getting himself into.

At that precise moment, a hoard of giant spiders burst out of the trees. Lallie jumped into Leggy's arms and sat there, trembling. Suddenly she noticed who it was she was sitting on... and the gushing began. "Oh, Leggy... you're my HERO..." NOW Legolas knew what he had gotten himself into, and tried to backpedal fast. He shoved Lallie off with a grunt, and said "sorry, lass! I only help damsels in distress for a profit! Now... if you'll excuse me..." And he started backing away from her (as well as from the spiders).

As a last resort, Lallie appealed to the Goddess. "MOMMIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SAVE MEE!" And what do you know? A shower of gold coins poured over Leggy, bouncing off of his head and various other body parts.

Leggy was starting to get VERY nervous. "Well... umm... there are only 99 coins here! I only save damsels for 100! Once again, you have my sincerest apologies." And again, he started creeping back.

"MOMIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Another coin came shooting down from the sky... unfortunately hitting Leggy straight in the head, and knocking him down."

Legolas groaned. And GROANED. "Now I'll HAVE to save her!" Without bothering to get up, he whipped out his bow and shot all 15 spiders at once.

But he couldn't bring himself to shoot the only one whom he really wanted to get rid of, so Lallie jumped on him, producing another groan.

"Leggy... you're my HERO!"

NOT GOOD.

"Umm... NO WAY, GIRL! Shove off! I ain't your hero!"

Lallie just sat there, gushing and drooling.

"Wow. I'm THOROUGHLY freaked out." It seems that at that moment, Legolas, who had faced orcs and goblins without so much as blinking, finally found his fear. He turned tail and RAN.

But his pursuer was quicker, and soon Lallie had him tackled to the ground and was drooling again. "Leggy, you have been declared MINE throughout the kingdom of the Valar... um... what was it called again?"

Legolas was panicking. "VALINOR? You're from VALINOR? AAAAAAAAA! I have bloody GODS after my skin! SAVE ME! MANWE!"

A piece of paper floated down from the sky, which Legolas numbly picked up and read.

It said:

"Dear Leggy,

You have NOT been declared Lalaith's. However, you HAVE been chosen to protect her during her stay in Middle Earth, and to teach her some manners while at it. Have fun!

Love, Elbereth and Manwe"

Legolas was STILL panicking. "Believe me, I WON'T! NOOO! This is NOT happening! I'm saddled with a stupid little chit who keeps drooling on my shirt, and I have to teach her MANNERS!"

Lallie was still drooling. "Chit? Stupid? Little? Ooh..." swoons

All Leggy could do was say something indistinct and start edging away from her.