Title: His Daughter's Tears
Author: Caera1996
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy, Joanna
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Please. Is this even necessary?
Summary: Jim comes face to face with the reality of his responsibility.
"Daddy?" The childish voice cut across the quiet conversation Jim and Bones were having in the sitting area of the doctor's quarters. Both men turned towards the doorway where Joanna was peeking around the edge.
"Baby," McCoy said, holding his arms out to her in a clear invitation. "You're supposed to be asleep." The 7-year-old hesitated, her gaze sliding to Jim uncertainly. He gave her a gentle smile, and she shyly looked away. McCoy and Jim shared a look. She was usually a little timid, and she just hadn't warmed up to Jim yet. After another moment of indecision, Joanna ran across the room and into her father's arms. She pushed her face against his shoulder, arms around his neck. She held on tightly, and McCoy could feel her trembling. Jim watched a slightly more concerned look pass over his face.
"What's the matter sweetheart?" He asked, pulling back to look at her face.
"I had a dream," she said. After a moment, she amended…"A bad dream."
"What about darlin'?" Jim smiled as he watched the pair interact. He never saw the doctor look more at peace than when he had his little girl in his arms.
"I don't know," she said quietly, which McCoy knew meant she just didn't want to talk about it.
"You know," McCoy said, cradling her head against his shoulder, "telling someone else about your bad dream will make you feel better." He felt her grip his shirt in her little fist, and she turned her head, regarding Jim steadily for a moment, her hazel eyes uncharacteristically serious. Jim met her gaze until she looked away again. She stretched her body a little, indicating she wanted to whisper in her father's ear. He obligingly craned his neck slightly, and Joanna cupped her hand over them as she spoke too quietly for Jim to hear what she was saying. He could see McCoy's eyes, over the top of Joanna's mahogany curls, and he saw the love move over and make room for confusion and amusement.
After a couple of seconds of this clandestine communication, McCoy nodded and said, "Sure, sweetheart." Jim watched as McCoy shifted
Joanna off his lap and onto the chair as he stood up. "I'm going to go check up on some patients. I'll be back shortly."
"Bones?" Jim said, obviously confused by this turn of events. McCoy turned to him and leaned over slightly.
"She wants to talk to you about her dream."
"Me? Why?"
"Hell if I know. Don't say anything stupid…she's seven."
"Bones…" Jim trailed off uncertainly, looking past him at the little girl sitting in her father's chair. She looked so tiny…he'd never been in charge of anything so tiny before.
Bones smirked at him. "You'll be fine, kid."
Jim watched as McCoy walked out of his quarters, leaving Jim alone with Joanna. The little girl sat quietly, keeping her eyes averted. She was very still…and though Jim knew almost nothing about kids, he thought that her stillness looked out of place on a seven year old. After a couple of seconds, Jim decided he better break the ice.
"So, your dad said you wanted to talk to me." Joanna nodded, but didn't say anything. After a beat, he tried again: "Well, I don't think he'll be gone long…" he trailed off, and after another second, Joanna finally looked up at him.
"Daddy doesn't like riding in ships," she said quietly. Jim gave her a small smile.
"Yeah, I know."
"I heard him talking about it before…everything bad that could happen to people when they go into space." She looked away again, as she said this, and Jim thought maybe he understood.
"Hey, you're safe here. The Enterprise is a strong, safe ship—"
"Not me," she cut Jim off. "I'm only on the ship for a little while…just today and tomorrow, and we're not even going anywhere…we're right over Earth."
"So, then what…" Jim stopped as Joanna took a deep, shaky breath. Oh, god, please don't cry, he thought desperately.
"My daddy. He's in the ship all the time…and so far away. What if something bad happens to him?" She looked up at Jim, tears shimmering in her eyes.
And just like that, there it was. In this one little girl's fears was the embodiment of every doubt that Jim had about himself, his ability to captain his ship, and keep his crew safe. Intellectually he knew that every one of the more than 400 souls on the Enterprise had someone somewhere hoping and praying their loved one would be safe. Parents, children, spouses…all waiting for that next communication reassuring them that the youngest captain in the fleet hadn't gotten their loved one killed yet because of a miscalculation, an error in judgment, or just plain bad luck. Intellectually, he knew it, lived with it, and did his best to work with it. But actually seeing it, right in front of him, in the tears of his best friend's daughter, made it connect with him so profoundly that for a moment he didn't have the breath to speak.
The little girl was wringing her hands together, obviously upset, and in a gesture lightyears more paternal than Jim Kirk ever imagined he would be, he opened his arms to her the way Bones had done just a few minutes before. After a moment, Joanna slipped off her chair and went to him. Jim pulled her into his lap and stroked her hair gently, feeling her tears wet his shoulder.
"You know your daddy is my best friend, right?" Joanna sniffed.
"Yes," she whispered.
"He's also a very important officer on this ship, the ship's doctor…he helps everyone else if they ever get hurt."
"I know."
"Well, I wouldn't be a good captain if I let anything happen to my best friend and ship's doctor, now would I?"
Joanna didn't answer, but Jim felt her shake her head no.
"I'm not going to lie to you Joanna. It can be dangerous in space, but there's lots of things we do, and lots of things the ship can do, to help protect us. I promise you that I will do everything I can to keep your daddy safe for you."
Joanna pulled back to look Jim in the eye.
"Do you swear you won't let my daddy die?"
Don't say anything stupid…
"I swear that I will always do my absolute best to keep your daddy safe." That was it. That was all he could do, even though Joanna was asking so much more. It was all he was capable of, and he didn't want to promise anything else. Because, oh god, just in case…
Joanna searched his eyes for a few seconds longer, and Jim held her gaze unflinchingly, trying to project as much reassurance as he could. Joanna finally looked away, sighed, and her little body sagged against his chest as the lateness of the hour and the long day finally caught up with her.
"Okay," she said quietly, resting her cheek on his shoulder. "Thank you." Jim gave her a little squeeze.
"Do you feel better now?" He asked.
"Yes," she replied sleepily.
"Do you want to go back to your bed?"
"No."
McCoy came back a few minutes later to Jim holding his slumbering daughter, stroking her hair gently. Bones looked at Jim, a question in his eyes.
"I think she just fell asleep." Jim said in a whisper. Bones reached down and relieved Jim of his daughter, carrying her back into her room. When he came back out, he surveyed his friend. Jim seemed a lot more…weighed down…he supposed was the best description, than he had earlier.
"Everything all right, Jim?"
Jim looked up at him – his best friend, his ship's doctor, and most importantly, Joanna's father – and offered him a small smile.
"Yeah…just…don't ever die, okay?"
Bones looked over to the bedroom where he'd just lay his daughter. "I'll do my best," he said quietly.
Jim nodded. Me too, he thought.