Rating: PG-13, but if it needs to be higher tell me.
Warning: Self mutilation (as clichéd as it is)
Summery: Sirius' point of view as he observes Remus about a few weeks after his death. One-shot, slash.
A.N./ Urm … Written about a year ago. I was going through a rough time, I'd say. Well, I hope some of you like it, even if it is just a bit dismal. If you like it, please review.
Remus Lupin stirred in his sleep, the moonlight illuminating his honey-silvered hair and his pale flesh. The lines on his face had temporarily disappeared in a moment's peace. He lay there in his cream colored sheets; his scarred chest bare, rising and falling peacefully. I watch him with an overwhelming ache I thought I could never experience, even through the thought of Peter betraying us all and James and Lily's horrible deaths and Azkaban itself combined, shredding my soul.
He is so beautiful, he always was. I silently weep, fully knowing I cannot hold this enticing creature in my arms like I had only mere weeks ago. I remember the nights we would just lay together, basking in the love of one another. Remus was my only salvation in that retched house. He had moved out of there the day I had died, going to the small cottage his parents had left him in their will. He only returned to Grimmauld Place on business. I'm so very glad that he is out of that hell hole.
I'm not a ghost, not really … I am dead, yes, but it was prematurely. So, in a sense, I'm stuck behind the veil until I can let go of what I have left. And I don't want to do that. Yes, I want to go on and be reunited with my best mate, but I just can't leave the thought of Harry and Remus. I love them more then I can possibly fathom. Harry, in most points of the word, is my son. I have died for him. I love him. And Remus is my mate, my beloved ...
Since I can't let them go, I'm confined to watch them from the distance of my star. I watched as Harry, out of desperation and rage and sorrow, find my mirror, and smash it to pieces. The thought tore at my heart, tugging it horribly. I watch Remus every night cry bitterly to the stars and the moon, utter despair racking his body with sobs. Yet I cannot let myself be known. I cannot show them that I'm here, wanting desperately to comfort them … No, I haven't found that loophole just yet.
A movement distracts me from my thoughts. Remus lifted his left hand from his side subconsciously placing it over his heart. Tears rimmed his eyes, anguish flashing across his face and he writhed in the sheets. I hold my breath, watching the figure of my lover intently. Remus whined painfully. His mouth opened, his cries forming into one word.
"… Sirius … Sirius …"
We both sob.
Hours later he stirs again when the sun bleeds onto the sky's pale flesh.
He works on some paperwork for the Order, but it clearly upsets him and he pushes it away angrily wiping the tears from his amber eyes. He gets up, tidying the already clean room, idly wasting time for an hour or so.
An idea flashes across his eyes, bringing slight comfort to their blankness. My heart soars with the light of his joy, even if it were for a mere moment. He dashes to the washroom, and my heart falls as I realize what the joy was for. His daily ritual … the one I dread, I loath, I hate.
In the hazy confinement of the one room compartment Remus sits on the cool floor, removing his shirt gracefully and tossing it beside him. The muscles on his back glide beautifully in the rapturous flesh and I ach to feel them move upon my own once again. Crossing his thin legs, he pulls a small object out of the pool of warm cloth and holds it out to gaze upon. The thin blade of his stubble razor glistens in the rays of the cruel, blazing sun that peers through a crack in his tattered dark curtains.
A harsh beam fell across his blank eyes, pupils constricting in its merciless waves of light. I yearn to shade him with my warmth, my love. To hold him in my arms and weep into his shoulder … I yearn for a lot of things I don't deserve, too much in fact. He always gave me everything I wasn't worthy of. His forgiveness, his patients, his emotions, his love, his body, his soul … I didn't deserve any of it. I don't deserve to watch him here now, his memory searing through my veins.
Oh Merlin.
He runs the blade lightly across his scarred wrist as a thin line surfaced slowly to the pale skin. He watches it pucker, tiny dots of blood appearing on the perfect line. It tries to heal in vain before he runs the blade, deeper, across it for a second time, his soft flesh swallowing the tip of the metal razor. Blood swells from the open wound when he fully removes the blade from the sensitive flesh, skin weeping his pain for him. He sighs softly as numbness fills the thin abrasion. He continuously runs the blade across his arm … down his side … over his thigh, tearing my favorite pair of blue jeans as his blood soaks the slashes in the cloth and flesh.
His face changes rapidly from numbness to anger and he throws the razor across the room, smudging the wall with his blood. His chin drops to his chest, his tears blurring before him. He chuckles and slowly lifts his head. He looks around him, laughing bitterly, tears flowing down his cheeks.
"This is you Sirius! For you, my love. For you, you selfish … selfish …" he cries out to me, choking on his words before he weeps into his bloody hands. "… Oh god … Come back Sirius … I love you … please come back …" he sobs in his desperation.
No! Please Merlin, I don't want this! Not for Remus. Please, not him. He doesn't deserve to feel this.
Miraculously, minutes later Tonks comes to visit him. She knocks on the door as he sat there, rocking back and forth, his sanity gradually slipping with every passing emotion. "Remus? … Are you there Remus?" Tonks calls from behind the door. He didn't so much as look up. The absence of his reaction worries her, Merlin bless her soul, and she enters on her own.
She gasps at the sight.
Remus sits curled with his slim arms wrapped around his long, lean legs. The fresh wounds litter his sides, thighs, and arms. The long, thin razor induced slashes drips crimson life out of my already pale and delicate love. It hurt to watch the blood trickle and pool around him from the multiple lesions. Tears silently fell from his amber eyes, staining his pale cheeks with streaks of mingled blood and tears. But oh Merlin, he still, even then, was beautiful.
"Oh my god! Remus, … what the hell?" Tonks yells, running to him, falling next to him. Remus mumbles something incoherent, staring of into space where I wait unnoticed. Tonks touches his shoulder and he lashes out, pushing her away. She fell fully to the floor, looking utterly dazed. Several tear crystals of crimson blood flew in the sudden action from his wrist onto the white cotton of his shirt that lay abandoned beside him. He stops abruptly, watching the drops land and spread out, thin veins reaching out to the fabric. The sight makes him smile and me weep.
Tonks scrambles up to him and grabs his face from both sides, forcing him to look her in the eyes. His eyes, once luminance and vivacious, were now dull, his soul dead and vacant. Tears streamed down Tonks' face as she realized: Remus was losing his mind.
"Remus … Come back! Oh Remus … No!" The drained expression still taints his gorgeous face. She grits her teeth, jaw locked, angry tears flowing down her young face as she recoiled from him. A sharp clap stung the silent air of the small room, the home we were to share when we had graduated from Hogwarts. Remus looked at her dazed, the angry red mark clear on his cheek. A sob escaped her throat as she grabbed his shoulders, shaking him roughly.
"Sirius wouldn't have wanted you to be this way!" she cried as he lay limp in her hands.
It was the first time someone had spoken my name to him since that night, and that alone lifted some of the dead in his striking eyes. Blinking, he looked up to her, sanity returning in him. "Sirius," he whispered, "Sirius."
Tonks wept, "Sirius wouldn't have wanted to lose you in yourself …" After a long moment of staring at her in pure bewilderment, he lowered his eyes, surveying the scene before him. "Oh Merlin," he muttered, staring at his blood stained hands. Then he fell into warm black velvet unconsciousness.
/n/
"Good morning, love …"
Remus shifted in the warm sheets, lips parting slightly and eyes squinting shut as he tried to concentrate on his sleeping. He groans, seeking more of the warmth in the sheets and the pressure of my body against him. He snuggles so close to me that it is almost just too much to bare. He presses his weight against my side and slides a protective arm over my chest. It makes me so … so …
His eyes shoot open, realizing what he is doing. His gaze darts around the warmly lit room, but rest upon me. "Oh my god!" he shouts, backing away from me wild eyed, voice shaking. I feel a pang of hurt, but ignore it. He just doesn't understand the situation.
"I'm wounded, Moony. I don't look that bad, now …" I smirk in mock pain, sitting up in the soft sheets. Emotions varying from shock to confusion to joy to love and everything else outside and between combined flash across his face. I want to touch him, to hold him, to …
"Your dead!" He cries out in frustration. I can't help but look crestfallen.
"Yes- well …" I mutter, averting my gaze from his own. Merlin, I'm not worthy of the chance to explain everything to him.
"I … I don't understand." The hurt in his voice makes me want to die all over again. I would die a million times to avoid the expression in his voice at this moment. I slowly look up at him, our eyes locking instantly. He shakes his head slightly, his brain calculating the situation hastily in his eyes.
"This has to be a dream … or- or something …" he says awestruck. I smile softly at him, trying to reassure him of everything. I don't think it worked.
"Well, technically … I suppose it is. It's my opportunity to- to explain my actions. And, well I just …" Why am I babbling like a fool? He cuts the train of words from my mouth when he asks such a horribly simple question for an unbearably difficult answer:
"Why did you have to leave, Sirius? …"
Tears stir in my eyes as the emotion I feel becomes violently evident, "Merlin I love y-"
"No Sirius," he says coldly, backing away toward the end of the large bed, "Answer my question, you selfish, malevolent, vile dog." Emotion chokes his word and tears bloom on the edge of his eyes.
"Moony … please- I," I beg, reaching my hand out to him, crawling toward him. He growls and looks at me repulsively, backing even further way from me. No, my love … I just- I …
"Answer. The. Question. Sirius." He spat at me in his dead voice. The last time I've heard him this way was the first time I betrayed him, the first time I let him down. If I could take back the incident with Snape, I would. And, Merlin, I thought I had learned my lesson the last time- looks like I never will, or, at least, never would have.
"I'm such an idiot, …" I say, defeated in every way possible.
"No shit …" he growls, his voice so deadly that I thought it was something out of a nightmare. No matter how much I try to tell myself any different, my Moony, my love is, in fact, a dark creature. And here I am, asking forgiveness from a pitiless beast. The wolf is upset with his mate's absence. I scoff inwardly. I'm so tragically dense.
"I was so foolhardy. I thought I could do it all. But … Remus, I am so sorry. I did not want to leave you, and had no intention of doing so. I loathe myself for every error I've wronged you. I am your mate Remus … please- I … I love you so much, and the pain I feel as I watch you everyday grows with your every movement. Because your movements are suppose to be shared with me. Remus…"
I fall before him, sobbing pathetically. What has happened to me? I'm not this way. 'You are way out of character, Black,' I curse myself profusely. I hold my breath, trying to hold the sobs and tears back as I burry my face in the sheets that surround us. He shouldn't pity me. He is probably so revolted at this whole circumstance. Probably wondering why he even joined with me in the first place. I've put him through hell too many times to count. How can I be such an idiot? Idiot. Idiot. Idiot!
I tense as I feel him place a warm, shaking hand on my back. "Sirius …" he whispers. Oh Moony …
"Please Sirius stop. I-I love you, please." he says hoarsely. I look up at him with blurry eyes, trying to catch my breath. "… Remus I-"
"Shh …" he whispers before gently kissing me. My heart bursts with an overwhelming joy I thought I had lost forever. And when he woke up, he was alone.
But not entirely...
He knew I was waiting for him. Impatiently waiting, but still. We both had a sense of newfound peace.
So is this a happy ending?
I ponder this thought, sitting and talking with James. He seems to have mixed feelings about it. Maybe because I didn't do a proper job of raising his son. Even though he lies about it, I can still tell he's upset with me.
Remus is doing better now. Yesterday he saw Harry off the Express. I'm afraid Harry isn't doing much better, though. But they will soon see me again. And I rejoice in the simple fact of rejoining with my mate.
Until then …