A/N: Takes place within the events of the fifth season episode 'Payup'.
The darkness of the locker room was a reprieve from the jarring reality that was assaulting the lab and all its occupants. The filtered air of the NYPD crime lab had suddenly felt suffocating, her lungs choking on what air had been available. In a moment of weakness, the young woman had allowed her mind to wander and the events of the last two days hit her surprisingly hard. Her chest had felt like it was caught in a vice, the panic of her carefully schooled mask becoming unplaced causing her to seek refuge.
Lindsay Monroe or Messer—she still wasn't sure what to call herself, had not felt this overwhelmed in a long time. Feeling a tear run down her cheek, Lindsay couldn't stop the smile that graced her lips. That was a lie, she was a new mother after all—overwhelmed was part of her daily vocabulary. Wiping her eyes futility, Lindsay amended it had been a while since these feelings had been related to her professional career.
Leaning against the locker, Lindsay slid down to the floor as a new onslaught of tears streaked down her face. Wiping her nose and taking a shaky sigh, Lindsay silently willed her emotions to come under her control. To stop the crying, the haze of memories that seemed to be replaying in her head. To stop feeling. The young woman needed her brain to function properly, so she could help with the investigation. She needed to help find the bastard that had done this to her colleague, her friend.
It did not seem right that such a good cop and a wonderful person had met such a needless death. It brought into focus just how fragile her own life was; her new life with Danny and her brand new baby girl. Lindsay could not imagine dealing with Danny's death, the thought of raising their precious Lucy without him. A chill caused her to involuntarily shiver, jerking her whole body. A sob escaped, causing her to stifle it with her hand. Lindsay brought her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself. Suddenly feeling the need to know her baby girl was okay, she pulled her phone out of her pocket.
Quickly finding the correct number, she waited impatiently while the phone rang seemingly forever. The staccato dial tone was eventually interrupted and an older woman's voice greeted her ears.
"Hello?" Danny's mother answered sweetly, a sigh left her lips and a sad smile formed.
"Hi Fran. I just wanted to check on Lucy. How was she this afternoon?" Lindsay asked, trying to hide the fact she had been crying moments before. She swiftly dabbed tears with one hand, her other occupied with keeping her phone at ear level.
"She's fine Lindsay honey, sleeping as we speak. She took the breast milk in the bottle fine. And for the last time, it's Ma. Are you okay dear?" she asked, noticing Lindsay's distress. Covering her sorrow with a small laugh, Lindsay quickly answered.
"I'm okay...just wanted to check on my little girl," Lindsay explained. "Well I have to get back to work...," her voice drifted off, her mother in law giving her a disproving sigh.
"Be careful and give Danny my love."
"Of course. Thanks Ma." Lindsay bid her good bye and closed her phone. Staring into the shadowed room, she mentally tried to pull her mind back together. Twisting her phone anxiously in her hands, Lindsay's thoughts were momentarily aglow with pictures of her beautiful daughter, helping to buoy her dismal outlook.
"Lindsay?" Her friend's familiar voice echoed into the locker room, the closing of the door ensconcing them in her temporary refuge. The sharp tap of Detective Stella Bonasera's shoes headed toward her, stopping a few feet away. Lindsay's gaze remained at her feet, her hand working at wiping her running eye makeup. "Hey Kiddo," Stella greeted quietly. To Lindsay's surprise, her friend leaned heavily against the locker, sliding down beside her.
Silence settled between them, neither quite sure how to break it. There was a big elephant in the room and neither one wanted to acknowledge it. Lindsay sighed shakily, taking the opportunity to lean her head back against the locker.
"I needed a moment; it all kinda hit me ya know...," Lindsay explained, bringing her hands together and resting them on her knees. "I can't even blame it on pregnancy hormones anymore," Lindsay added with a wry laugh.
"You don't need to blame it on anything Lindsay; you're allowed to feel those emotions. Angell was one of the team—a damn fine cop and a very good friend," Stella's own voice hitched momentarily, a long pause and then she resumed. "We haven't had the time to think about the situation yet—we're all running on adrenaline at this point," Stella's thoughts drifted to her boss and best friend Detective Mac Taylor.
His calm exterior was for the benefit of his crime lab and the other NYPD officers that were looking to him. He was a natural leader and it was during these events that his skills were desperately needed. Stella had known him long enough to see the signs of stress Angell's death had caused him. Signs everyone was displaying, Mac just happened to be a pro at hiding them.
"The whole situation, it just brought forward my own mortality. Danny and I just started getting things right between us. Now we have this beautiful baby. I can't imagine doing it without him...," Lindsay admitted, a fresh tear trailing down her cheek while hoping it wasn't visible in the shadows. Her maternal instincts were now in overdrive at the mention of her daughter once again.
"Lindsay...,"Stella began, placing her arm around her friend's shoulders, "As awful as this situation is, one benefit is it helps us take stock of our own lives and what is important. Makes us remember who and what our time should be devoted too. Jess would not want us to stop living; she would want you to enjoy Lucy and your husband. Take advantage of Lucy's god-father, go out for a night with Danny," she finished, squeezing her friend's shoulder tightly. This elicited a small chuckle from Lindsay.
"Do you think Mac is up to that challenge?" Lindsay asked truthfully, giving her curly haired friend a smirk.
"After all this blows over, Mac would relish the opportunity to look after your wonderful bundle of joy," Stella stated with a smile. "Besides, I promise to help just in case Mac's in over his head," Stella reassured. The thought of Mac being solely in charge of a several week old infant was an amusing thought but Stella knew it would be wonderful medicine for him. Mac may be a Marine but newborns were a whole other ballgame. Giving Lindsay one final squeeze, Stella withdrew her arm and settled her hands on her knees.
Silence again followed, Lindsay feeling herself now more centered and able to focus. It made her wonder just how Stella managed to stay so calm and collected in these situations—often times she served as the rock for the whole team, even Mac. Lindsay vaguely wondered when Stella allowed her own walls to drop and find her own emotional release. The younger woman felt guilty she was unable to offer that opportunity to her friend, knowing that right now Stella's priority was finishing the investigation and finding Jess' killer. Her thoughts then drifted to their colleague who was most affected by Angell's death. Finally raising her gaze from the floor, Lindsay looked to Stella who gave her a reassuring smile.
"How do you think Don is going to handle this?" she asked, hoping he would not be like Danny after Reuben's death and push everyone away. That had been a turbulent time for both Danny and herself; a time she did not want to repeat any time soon. Stella gave her a thoughtful look.
"I dunno Linds; you know how stubborn Flack can be. I'm just hoping he realizes his friend's are here to help. The best we can do is try to be there for him and offer our support," she reasoned, stating what Lindsay already knew. The younger woman nodded her head in agreement.
"I'm hoping he will listen to Danny, they are best friends," Lindsay answered as she slowly rose from the spot on the floor, Stella following suit. Her colleague merely cocked her eyebrow, her Grecian features displaying her uncertainty. Dusting off her trousers, Stella offered some encouraging words.
"Don may not be ready to listen at first but persistence pays off. Eventually he will want to let someone in, believe me I know," Stella said knowingly. Lindsay understood that Stella had been Mac's lifeline after 9/11 and that it had taken a long time before Mac had been ready to move on. This time Lindsay offered Stella reassurance, placing a warm hand on her friend's arm.
"Well, all I really want now is to go hold my little girl and hug my husband," Lindsay admitted with a sad smile as she watched Stella give her an envious look.
"Enjoy them. Give Lucy a kiss for me," Stella instructed with a warm smile, watching as Lindsay made to leave.
"Of course. We're still meeting at Sullivan's tonight right?" Lindsay asked, turning to Stella.
"Yes. I think Angell would approve," Stella replied, Lindsay not missing the moist look in her friend's eyes. The younger woman nodded, giving Stella what was meant to be a reassuring smile.
"Later."
"Later Kiddo," Stella answered, watching as she exited the locker room. The detective looked around the empty locker room, allowing herself a small moment of pain at her colleague's death. Taking a steadying breath, she tugged on her shirt and fluffed her hair. Making sure her 'mask' was back in place, she left the locker room in search of Mac.
The cityscape passed by unnoticed as they braved the suppertime traffic to Danny's parents. Lindsay had begrudgingly allowed Danny to drive only after he began brokering an argument and she had been too tired to fight back. Neither party really wanted to make war with each other when it felt like the city was at war with them. He drove in silence and Lindsay could tell by the set of his Jaw that his feelings were running barely contained. Even after her talk with Stella, her own raw emotions still ran freely.
Lindsay looked up as the vehicle came to a stop. She smiled involuntarily as she recognized the house number as Danny's childhood home, welcoming the fact that the drive had taken less time than originally thought. Turning to her husband, she reached over and squeezed his hand.
"All I want to do is hold her so much right now Danny," she stated honestly, watching as he turned off the engine and met her gaze. His strong hands enclosed hers, flashing his trademark smile. "I know one bright side to this whole situation...," she mused.
"Oh yeah? What's that?" Danny drawled tiredly, watching as Lindsay—his wife – looked sheepishly to the floor before resuming eye contact.
"It just reinforced how much I love you and our daughter. How much I need you in my life. How lucky we are to have our beautiful healthy baby, our friends, our health, a home and a job."
Danny chuckled at this, causing Lindsay to glare at him. "Danny, I'm being serious," she stated disappointedly.
"Nah...That's just a lot to be thankful for babe. I'm just glad I made the top of the list, ya' know?" he retorted with some of his usual humour. Lindsay punched him jokingly.
"Daniel Messer," she stated warningly.
"Ah not the Ma voice, come on Montana," he pleaded as they exited the truck. He rounded the driver's side and met his wife on the sidewalk, her giggle greeting him. Wrapping his arm around Lindsay, she pretended to protest a moment before returning the hug. She rested her head against his chest for a moment, enjoying it for what it was- a snapshot of their life.
"You two planning on staying there all night or wha? Your daughter is waiting...," Danny's mother's voice interrupted the moment, causing both of them to look to the doorway. Fran stood holding their daughter protectively against her chest.
"Come on Ma? You spying on us?" Danny complained as they headed toward the house, hand in hand. Lindsay smiled and realized she would have it no other way. Family was her refuge.