NCIS:HP by MioneAlterEgo
DISCLAIMER: NCIS:LA doesn't belong to me. Neither does Harry Potter. (Don't I wish?)
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Once upon a time, imahistorian and I had a funny little conversation in which we sorted each of the NCIS:LA team members into what House we thought they would've been in at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the Harry Potter-verse. Then, the plot bunnies started whispering things like, "But what would the team say about this? How would they react?" And this little piece of borderline-crack!fic was born. It's not a crossover, just a bit of fluffy, lighthearted banter for the group. Many, many thanks to Mel for her invaluable input-without her, this story never would've seen the light of day! Lots of giggling occurred while writing this, so I hope it makes you smile, too. Enjoy!
"You're such a Hufflepuff."
"What? I am not!"
"You're so Hufflepuff it's a little scary," Nell replied, shaking her head at Eric even as her lips pulled into a teasing smirk.
"I'm a Ravenclaw. I broke the whole internet, remember? You can't be stupid and pull that off."
"Ah, but look at Hermione and Professor McGonagall. Brains alone do not a Ravenclaw make."
"So why am I a Hufflepuff?"
"You're a rule follower. You don't like upsetting anyone. You're loyal, hardworking…"
"But Hufflepuffs are nerdy."
"Sam's a Hufflepuff, and he's not nerdy."
"Sam? How do you figure? I always pegged him for a Gryffindor."
"The loyalty. He's a SEAL through and through, and SEAL's never leave a man behind. Plus, he's really disciplined and dedicated. He's respectful of other people's beliefs and views. And he doesn't like to see people left out or excluded. Even though he gave Deeks a hard time in the beginning—"
"Still does."
"—you know he still respects him and would absolutely stand up for him if the situation required it."
"Huh," Eric mused. "So, what are you, then?"
"I'm a Ravenclaw, of course."
"Humble, too."
"No brag, just fact. I analyze things for a living, and I'm right a whole lot more often than I'm wrong. It's what I do."
"Callen's a Gryffindor."
Nell beamed. "Absolutely. Brave, chivalrous, daring…"
"But he's got some serious Ravenclaw tendencies, too. He's introspective. He reads a lot. I think he quoted Arthur Miller the other day."
"He's intelligent, yes. But he's definitely the alpha male, and around here you have to have a pretty strong personality to lead. So I think Gryffindor still wins." The doors of the Ops center swished open.
"Hmm, speak of the devil," Nell chirped.
"You guys are talking about me? Should I be worried?" Callen asked, dropping a folder next to Nell's keyboard as the rest of the team filed into the room.
"Not at all. We were just discussing which Hogwarts houses everyone would be sorted into."
"Ah," Callen replied, recognizing the reference. "And where did I end up?"
"Gryffindor."
"Nice."
"Wait, what are we talking about?" Sam interjected. "Isn't that some kind of Harry Potter thing?"
"Right," Nell nodded. "It has to do with personality traits, personal values, things like that. People with similar traits and abilities are grouped together."
Sam shrugged, Kensi looked a little perplexed, but Deeks jumped right into the conversation.
"I saw the movies. I'll buy Callen as a Gryffindor."
"And you're a Hufflepuff," Nell smiled. Callen burst out laughing.
"God, he is, isn't he?"
Nell was grinning ear-to-ear, barely containing her own glee. "He's unfailingly loyal, he uses his humor to make people smile and break the ice, wants everyone to get along. Putting himself through law school indicates a willingness to work hard, and choosing to leave the practice of law to work in law enforcement shows strong dedication to the pursuit of justice. You can't get much more Hufflepuff than that."
"Wait, weren't the Hufflepuffs the nerdy kids?" Deeks questioned, a note of alarm rising in his tone.
"Not always," she defended. "Cedric Diggory was a Hufflepuff, and he was really popular and cute."
"Yeah, but his name was Cedric. And didn't he get killed off? I'm not sure I like where this is going. Why can't I be a Gryffindor?"
"Well," Callen conceded, "He does have his moments of chivalry." He pretended not to notice the faint flush of color that was rising at the edge of Kensi's collar.
"Maybe Deeks could be a Ravenclaw," Eric chimed in.
"The smart kids? Yeah. Alright. I could roll with the smart kids. I mean, how many of you guys have passed the California Bar Exam lately?" Sam and Kensi rolled their eyes.
"Eric's just trying to pawn you off on Ravenclaw because he doesn't want you in his own house," Callen snorted.
"Okay, can we just get on with the meeting? You guys can have your book club later," Kensi interrupted. Nell, Eric, Callen, and Deeks glanced around the room at one another before speaking at the same time.
"Gryffindor."
"You keep saying that. What does that even mean?"
"Gryffindors are known for being brave and daring, Kensi," Nell answered. "It's a compliment."
"Oh." Kensi stood up a bit straighter. "Okay, fine."
"Gryffindor had the hottest girls, too. Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley… Hmmm, Kensi in a Hogwarts uniform…" Deeks mused, eyes glazing over slightly before Kensi brought him back down to earth with an elbow to the ribs. "Ouch! You know, maybe you're a Slytherin. You're mean enough."
"Nah," Callen argued. "Kensi's too much of a team player. She's not self-centered enough to be a Slytherin." Kensi stuck her tongue out at Deeks, who answered with a mischievous grin.
"Callen's got a point. And much as I hate to say it, Partner, you're a pretty bad liar," he goaded. "Slytherins are known for being manipulative and devious—two things you're definitely not."
"I can be devious when I need to be."
"Sure, if you're trying to sneak the last Krispy Kreme. OUCH! Stop that!"
"So, if Kensi and I are Gryffindors, and Deeks is a Hufflepuff," Callen mused, "where does that leave everyone else?"
"Eric's a Hufflepuff and I'm a Ravenclaw."
"Of course you are," he chuckled. "And what about Sam?"
Nell tried rather unsuccessfully to hide the amusement in her tone as she answered: "Hufflepuff."
At that revelation, Deeks and Callen exploded with laughter as a look of utter incredulity settled onto Sam's features.
"Wait, I'm in the same house… group… thing with that joker?" Sam howled, jerking his chin in Deeks' general direction. For his part, Deeks opened his arms wide as though awaiting a bear hug.
"It's like we were separated at birth! Two halves of the same whole! C'mon, bring it in, big brother!"
"The only thing I'm gonna bring to you is my fist to your face. If I have to live in the same house with that clown, I'm moving. Can't I apply for a transfer or something?"
"Well, the Sorting Hat has been known to take requests from time to time," Nell offered. "If you really wanted to be in Gryffindor badly enough it's possible you could sway the decision."
"Gryffindor it is, then," Sam muttered. "Hufflepuffs, Gryffindors, Hogwarts… Who came up with these names, anyway?"
"That would be Ms. J.K. Rowling," Eric replied. "And she got paid a boatload of money to do so."
"She's richer than the queen. For real. She now officially has more money than the Queen of England," Deeks said, eyebrows arching in appreciation as he spoke.
"And with money comes power," Hetty chimed, her voice preceding her diminutive frame into the room. "And with great power comes great responsibility. Fortunately Ms. Rowling chooses to use her powers for good and not for evil, unlike some of her characters whose intentions were perhaps less than honorable. A woman with that sort of money, a public platform, and her connections could be a dangerous individual indeed if she chose to use her influence to further a more sinister agenda."
The whole team glanced around the room at one another, each processing the same thought. Hetty sighed as though vexed by their collective lack of understanding.
"The intelligence community has monitored her closely through the years. After all, she wrote a highly popular series of books for impressionable teenagers and young adults that depicted, among other things, murder, attempted genocide, and the overthrow of a corrupt government. So yes, she's been investigated. Yes, she appears to be entirely clean. And before you even ask," she continued, "I consider myself a Slytherin, and for this I will make no apologies. Traits like resourcefulness and cunning should be considered beneficial for anyone in our line of work, and I see nothing wrong with the judicious use of power as a means to an end."
Callen eyed her skeptically. "Yeah, but who determines the end?"
Hetty's eyes narrowed. "Right now, Mr. Callen, I'd say the only end with which you need to be concerned is the end of this case. Now, let's get back to the actual reason for this meeting, shall we? We have work to do."