Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any associated characters. This is a work of fanfiction and as such I make no money from writing this
A/N: This one-shot is part of the Resurrection Universe, however it can stand alone. If you are reading Resurrection then please note it does contain spoilers and should only be read after Chapter Two: An Old Friend. This is the story of Inoue Orihime.
A note on names and Japanese: Names will be written in the traditional Japanese style of writing (surname, forename) and include appropriate suffixes etc. There may also be the occasional word/words in Japanese such as "hai" which means "yes".
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tenyson: In Memoriam
To Have Loved
It's been too long since I saw you last; since I really saw you. I see you all the time in my memories of those days; in my dreams, but it's not the same. I cannot feel your presence anymore. I want to be able to feel you again, feel your warmth. It's funny in a way to talk about your warmth as I am sure that people would automatically assume that you are as cold as you act. But I know different.
The window by the futon is left open each night. Strange I know, but as the gentle summer breeze softly caresses the back of my neck, I can imagine that you are there beside me. I can imagine that it is your warm breath that I feel. I can imagine that you are holding me to you. I can imagine that you will never let go. That is all I have left of you now; memories and imaginings. I would give anything to see you, to feel you again after all these years.
I should let go of these feelings that I have for you, but I can't. Is that selfish of me do you think? Hai, I suppose it is but maybe this time there is nothing wrong with being selfish. I don't think I ever have been before, not really. Maybe it is that that's bothering me. Or maybe it is all the regret I have stacked up inside of me because of what happened to you. What I did to you.
I didn't try to stop you from killing Kurosaki-kun for his sake, not really. I know how it must have appeared to you, there in that tower, but I swear that it was not the reason. In fact all of my actions back then, sixty years ago could be seen as trying to save him or escape from you. I didn't want to escape from you. I wanted nothing more than to run to you and hold you, to somehow take you away from there, but I knew that you wouldn't leave with me if I asked you. That was not the only reason though and it seems that I have been selfish before. Why? Because I did not want to hate you. It is foolish I know but in that moment I could not help but think that I could end up hating you for doing what you had to do. And yet now there is this small part of me that wishes that I hadn't stopped you, that I had just let you do what you had to, because I know now that I could never hate you. What does that say about me I wonder? That I would sacrifice someone that I held dear for you? No, it is not you that I would have hated but myself. I hate myself for having these thoughts but they cannot change anything, cannot change the truth. I killed you. I have come to accept that in reality it was not Kurosaki-kun that did it, but me.
That is something that I will have to live with forever for it seems that I have barely aged in sixty years. I've watched those that were once dear to me leave to never return or remember me again. I've shut myself off from those who try to understand and help. Friends. I've been the worst sort of friend to them and still they do nothing but try and help me, but I can't face them as me. The one that they know as their friend no longer resides in my heart because I gave it away sixty years ago. Something makes me think that this is my punishment for being selfish and killing you. I would gladly suffer for several lifetimes like this if I could just speak to you one more time, just tell you what you have done to me.
"Maybe we messed her up on the inside."
That's what Grimmjow-san said to him. I know what Kurosaki-kun thought when he said that was wrong, but he was right really. You did mess me up on the inside and I would not change that for anything. You messed me up so well that I fell in love with you. You messed me up so well that it was not for Aizen-sama that I existed but for you. I feel like it's still true, that maybe if I go back there I can bring you back. That maybe if I could turn back time, if I could have reached you then I could have stopped you from leaving.
"Are you scared?"
That was what you asked me. And I wasn't for the most part, I was just scared of losing you. I was scared that I would never see you again even in my memories. I was scared that you would leave for good.
You once asked me what a heart was. I tried to tell you then how I felt but instead I feel like I pushed you away slightly. A heart, the connection between two people cannot be seen, it can only be felt. You never let yourself feel anything because you couldn't see it. But as you reached for me, I knew then that I hadn't pushed you away. I had brought you closer and created the heart that you so longed for, even if you would never admit it.
"Are you scared?"
Yes, I was scared. I was scared of losing you. I was scared of losing my heart, the heart that you held in your hand, that you had been holding without realising it. I was scared of so much but the one thing that I wasn't scared of at that moment was you. I can never be scared of you, especially now, for I will forever have your heart in my hands, Ulquiorra.